I’m Trans, Here’s My Story

[SnugPeach]

Hi I’m Trans, I know I’m essentially coming into what some would consider the wolf’s den by coming here to make a post. But I’m also a strong believer in trying to help people to understand and am happy to explain my story and experiences if it helps to enhance others understanding.

I kind want this thread to be AMA but also to give a bit of backstory. Now I know some of you are going to hear the next few thing. I say an immediately just tell I’m confused or misled, but yes I have Autism. I was diagnosed at a young age, but Autism is just one part of me. Had being Autistic affected my gender? Maybe who knows, I am me, Autism is not something separate thing that it’s me.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too. I’m currently 28, have been DIYing for 1 and half years. Have everything updated and changed, Name, Passport etc. I also extensively researched everything I could on HRT over the years as the NHS system takes year and years to be seen.

During Childhood really I was I guess you could say less aware of ‘gender’ than my peers as I was for most things. I was heavily bullied at school by the boys for being ‘weird’, they’d call me ‘gay’ not that I understood what that meant but I doubt they did either, it was the early 2000s afterall. Where as on the other hand I was quite friendly with the girls, they didn’t bully me and treated me often with compassion and I’d enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately even they would get bullied from time to time for associating with me. The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things. Instead I loved working out technology how things worked, along with people. Despite being Autistic I have always been fairly sociable even if it’s been riddled with difficulties and learn curves and I still struggle with that today, but I love connecting with people and sharing feelings.

Skip forward to Secondary School and here is where a few things happen. I’m still very behind my peers in my understanding of allot of things. My feelings on my gender are neutral are based purely on fact of I am what I am because how can I not be. It did learn about Transgender people but it didn’t still click for me. I remained still extremely cautious of the boys but was more of a loner. I wanted more girl friends but the social dynamic had changed. I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff like all this stupid competitive crap and honestly a majority of time I found myself sharing my female peers feelings towards them. It was around this time I found myself more aligned with Femininity and started to self describe as a feminine-guy. But still I would be considerate and respectful towards the girls who knew saw me as a boy even if not the same. Afterall who could blame them when I myself felt the same way. My Mum taught be about the day to day struggles women deal with and I very much took that to heart. Honestly the way some of the boys acted towards girls in my class outright appalled me. I became invested in Feminism and equal rights which also spanned I to my experience with Autism and my own femininity (which had been policed just in the opposite direction, aka made fun of/discouraged). In the later years of Sixth Form I became friendly finally with people again after some therapy which also arose from me being on my own (was supported by a ta for most of my schooling, we had an autism centre in the school I went too) I grew very close to the girls in the group we would natter and gossip about all sorts. I kinda felt honoured that they considered me trustworthy enough to include in conversations they didn’t include the two other guys in. Also around this time people started asking me if I was Gay I was mostly confused, because I wasn’t Gay, Asexual yes technically (but did not have word for that yet), But not gay. I liked Women but romantically only.

Fast forward it’s university and I became a sort of shut in again. I commented to Uni and after my first year I hated the course. But my Mum refused to let me take a break or quit as by the time I’d had enough I was ‘halfway’ so her logic was to push through. Not that my degree has done anything for me. Anyway this is where feelings first started. Now in my early 20s I was finally catching up to my peers not that I’ve ever full caught up. I was fully realised as a feminine guy, however that never felt right. I also still felt outcast for this. That’s when I finally started to explore gender. Upon turning 18 I hate being called a Man and tried desperately to get people to call me a Guy as it felt less Man more neutral. So I after university came out as non-binary, I started to pass my nails get my hair dyed, But it still didn’t feel right. My Mum supported me until I bought a Jumper from the women's section. I cared deeply about my mum and her backlash was enough to push me back in the closet back to bring a feminine guy, but now my mum instead of being sensitive around my gender, it felt like she empathised my manners, which honestly disgusted me. I near had a referral for the gender clinic back here but due to this I basically let it go. One of things that made me so happy was just how unmanly I was including the fact I didn’t start growing any sort of facial hair until I was in my mid 20s and I grew and kept my hair long and it made me so so happy. Anyway back I went for a few years.

Then after finding out about Femboys it all came back, maybe this is what I am. But I quickly came to the conclusion again this was not right. I realised deep down I wished I where born a girl. I had thought that my childhood would have been easier if I was, the my behaviours would have been more acceptable. Which bought me great internal conflict. Afterall I’m a feminist. I adore the women in my life and my immediate reaction was one of disgust and hate for myself. How could I feel this way when I knew full well I struggle women have to deal with, the stereotypes my femininity fell into, the fact I could be a man and be all these things. I had a privilege one that I understood yet never felt, because I completely hated everything about being a man. So many parts of myself were restrained or restricted and I felt completely uncomfortable with myself. It turned out I was asexual for example because I couldn’t see myself as a man in situation like that ever. Still I spent the next 2 years fighting over all this with myself internally. I’d let my mum know and our relationship soured even more so because it. Over the course of the 2 years I fought with myself daily over my feelings, one side of me telling me what I was feeling was an offence to the women (cis and trans) I cared about. The other side in full acceptance that I did feel this way. I’d give away anything ANYTHING to have been born in a body that matched my mind. Again I don’t want to be a Male, full stop. I always have felt more female than male and why that’s something that’s not easily explained it’s just how I genuinely feel. All the acknowledgment and beliefs about you don’t have to be a girl to be feminine don’t seem to matter the logic doesn’t apply to that feeling.

Eventually with the support of some friends I finally go back to get a referral. Meanwhile completely separate thing but my Mums health was getting worse. She had Breast Cancer on and off since I was young also. I 2023 she was finally made terminal after over 23 years since her first diagnose (probably 5ish years of remission between first first and follow ups). Her being made terminal was a big wake up call for me for many things include this situation. For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her but once that eased off (she lived about a year longer than they predicted) it all came back and hit me really hard. I was training 27 at the end of year. I was miserable my body disgusted me and I didn’t want to waste anymore time wondering if HRT would help and if it would allow me to finally put to bed some of my feelings. So I started to DIY just before my 27th birthday. I felt a tonne better within the two weeks and despite the fact it’s not like a magic bullet pill that took away all my dysphoria and stuff it’s helped to insane degree. My Mum obviously did not support me which was hard and broke my heart deeply since she was the women I have always looked up the most in my life. That all it’s own story really.

Right now I’m sort of back I a bad way. Sure due to my Autism amongst other things I still have allot of mental health issues. I’ve never worked, have allot of anxiety, issues with depression but again I had these before transition and arguably they where better and being more manageable after until the Court Ruling early this year. Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?

it’s just so hard for me. I’m not even sure if what I’ve said is any good but I’ve just tried to describe best I can my experience and how I feel. I wish you all a pleasant day and please feel free to ask anything. Also apologises for any bad grammar/spelling mistakes, Dyslexic too.

Sounds like you've had a tough time of it,
Your a feminine and sensitive man,
You have no idea how it feels to be or live like a woman, as you are not one nor never have or would be one.
Get some hobbies and interests, volunteer, go for walks, get into nature,

Also, we dont need help understanding we do understand, and PPs responses may help YOU to understand further.
Good luck in all you do

I sceptical this isn’t just another plop and run

It's good for the lurkers.

No need to invest more in a thread than you feel comfortable giving.

A wise and compassionate post.

It seems you assumed that people here would hate you for being trans, is that right?

It must be quite upsetting to go through life thinking and feeling that, especially because it isn't true.

Most people have the utmost sympathy for transpeople, they also believe it is impossible to change sex and feelings shouldn't trump facts.

It must be hard to feel like you don't fit in, but to be honest most people don't, putting yourself in a box is uncomfortable and none of them will truly fit.

Being female isn’t a feeling - it’s a physical state of being that cannot be altered, copied or mirrored. Gendered stereotypes are extremely harmful and self - limiting. “I must be a boy because I like football and trucks’, ‘I must be a girl because I like long hair and nail polish’.
I’m sorry school wasn’t great for you, sadly many children who are autistic find school challenging, certainly if they were in school over 10 years ago. It’s likely your difficulties were as a result of your autism, not because you weren’t a stereotypical boy. As a teacher of 35+ years, I’ve taught many boys just like you. Most of them eventually came out as gay, whereas these days they’d come out as ‘trans’ sadly. Internalised homophobia is very real.
It sounds like your mum was doing the right thing - she knew you were male and that could never be changed. She didn’t lie to you or go along with what is, in effect, a delusion.
I hope you have someone who can support you - and I don’t mean someone who fully subscribes to the ability to change sex. That’s not support. You seem to have some issues with your mental health - there are plenty of detransitioners on YouTube that talk about their confusion growing up and what pushed them towards transition, maybe have a look at some of them. One channel is “Gender: A Wider Lens”.
Richie Herron is another detransitioners who has a great perspective on gender identity and the harm it caused him.

It’s a biological fact that you can’t change sex. I personally think that it’s a mental health problem, and if some trans gender ‘women’ weren’t so aggressive in their pursuit of acceptance, I think you’d all get more sympathy.

You’ve had a lot of empathetic and helpful replies here op. Which is more sympathetic than a GC woman would get anywhere else. Still think we are wolves?

I’m sorry you have had so much to deal with OP.

You seem to think that others not affirming your gender identity is a key factor stopping you ‘getting on with your life’. This is a perceived rather than actual barrier. I suggest you work on shifting your focus from thought to action. Try and focus on discovering who you are by discovering what activities fulfil you - and then spend time doing them.

Action is a great way of ‘getting out of your head’, quieting the noise and developing a sense of agency.

People viewing you as male does not need to impact on your day to day life, neither should the Supreme Court judgement. Whilst you are not entitled to use female only provision, the Equality Act requires suitable alternative provision to be in place (e.g gender neutral provision). If the activities that fulfil you involve spaces that do not have safe and dignified gender neutral provision, get on their case and ask for it. If you post on this forum and let us know, many of us will email and list in support of your right for this.

I expect many of the barriers you perceive as stopping you ‘getting on with your life’ are shaped by subjective internal narratives your run that feel absolute but, in reality, they are open to change. As you engage more with the world outside your thoughts, you may find that the identity preoccupations you have lose their grip on you.

I think it’s very sad you are going through so much pain op and I know the pain of bereavement, I have lost all my close family to cancer the last 10 years and l did look for a lot of distractions from the pain. I am also neurodivergent so understand how difficult it is to see life through a different lens from others.

I also know:

Starting puberty early and my periods at 8. Being teased and suffering bleeding and cramps and laughed at by school friends who were too young to understand - even I was too young to fully understand.

Being sexually abused then assaulted as a child, facing harassment as I grew older, learning to fear men for their size and strength and never trusting intentions. Being dumped after sex despite caring and trusting someone, being brainwashed “sex sells” and seeing women reduced to their sexual appeal and judged on their appearance in a way you could never comprehend.

Not wanting children, the worry of preventing pregnancy and the stigma and feeling on the sidelines for it.
Facing pressure to not use a condom because your sexual partner might “feel nothing” or want to “feel close to you” knowing that after they have cum they have no clue or idea of the obligation you would face, knowing they can walk away whilst your life will never be the same again.
Being expected to love children and volunteered or expected to babysit.
Expected if you do choose to have children to do most of the work whilst a man who changes a nappy is a “hands on dad” and a hero.

Earning less than male colleagues despite being better at my job.

Feeling I should explain I’m childfree in job interviews to secure a position so they wouldn’t assume I’d be leaving to have kids.

Being resented and spoken down to from people who have kids and assume I’m jealous or them resenting my lifestyle and freedom, losing close friends.

Getting older and facing perimenopause and finding out I have very large fibroids. Battling for years with pain, bleeding, anaemia, continence issues and incredibly poor self esteem.

Having cancerous cells lasered off and being terrified they would return.

Having a hysterectomy in my 30s and despite not wanting kids feeling “faulty” with the choice taken away.

The hormone fluctuations and going from wanting to stab someone to sobbing because my slippers are on the wrong feet, listening to men mocking the hormones saying “it must be blob week” or “fucking menopause tantrums”

I don’t know what you think being a woman is but these are things you won’t ever experience despite how feminine you feel.
Being a woman isn’t a “feeling” it’s a way of living. It’s who we are born as and we are shaped from experience and biology.

I feel sad that you are so shaken by the SC decision as it seems you are sad you can’t access women’s spaces.

I don’t want to go to my trauma groups for sexual assault and find a man there when it’d stop me attending and distress me.

I don’t want a man doing my smear when I know the previous nurses who did it understood how it felt.

I definitely wouldn’t have wanted a male sonographer who wouldn’t have understood the need for dignity and for me to have control using the internal probe whilst scanning for fibroids. I wouldn’t have wanted a man doing the aftercare after my hysterectomy despite how much they felt like a woman.

When I was having cramps and bleeding and in agony I would have hated a “woman friend” pretend they know how heavy periods feel from carrying tampons “in case any girlfriends might need them”

Visiting a female GP who knows the insecurity of your breasts drooping with age and pain during sex from vaginal dryness during sex from perimenopause means you feel understood and listened to - how would a man know?

Being a woman isn’t lipstick and high heels and liking Taylor Swift or preferring “girlie films” to “action movies” it isn’t gossiping instead of football or being a hairdresser instead of a plumber. These are gender stereotypes and have nothing to do with biological sex. Being ND I understand not fitting into societies boxes and labels but if you don’t quite fit the description of a cat it doesn’t mean you should try to become a lion no matter how much you have in common.

If you truly respect women then take all this into account and stay out of their spaces. Don’t be like the man who made me cancel my swimming membership because using a third space “invalidated him” he was making an active choice to distress women out of pure selfishness.

Some people say about men being able to use women’s toilets as there are cubicles and you have “privacy”. Then you read threads about women making themselves ill because they won’t poo at work or even at a long term partners in case a man hears.
Most women won’t poo with a male in a cubicle next to them so you are preventing them from using the facilities they are attending them for.

I agree there should be 3rd spaces but if not you are saying you won’t use the men’s because of the risk to you. You are one person part of a small percentage of people who is probably built similarly. Why would you want to put a larger group of people at risk for yourself? Are you that selfish really?

You obviously haven’t been brainwashed into the female submissive “be kind” role - but then most of us are brainwashed from birth and don’t see it as a choice.

We are women because we are born that way with no choice. We accept the hand we are dealt which isn’t always easy but we know we can’t change it.

I'm sorry to hear of your personal struggles. You've had a rough time of it especially with your mum's worsening illness and passing. My heart goes out to you. It's very difficult to know how to deal with grief especially when there were tensions that were unresolved.

Identifying as trans might seem like a way to make sense of your dissonance with the world, and perhaps gives you a sense of belonging that you have rarely felt in life, but, you also come across as very conflicted about all this.

It sounds like logically you are aware that identifying as a woman doesn't really make sense and is at odds with your feminist understandings, but at the same time it's helping you deal with overwhelming emotional pain and isolation, and perhaps gives you a sense of control over your life.

I'm concerned that long term, however, this isn't going to give you the comfort and stability you need.

Have you considered take a break, I think they pay for your story?

You sound like a thoroughly decent intelligent man.
I really hope that you are reading the replies to your post.
You have been betrayed by aggressive TRAs and false teaming with those who have same sex preferences. I wish you the best and hope that you can make something of your life.

It's clear from your post that you need therapy not a gender change.

fully agree.

Op it started in primary school for you - it’s a shame that society doesn’t champion more ‘sensitive’ boys. Nor the thoughtful sensitive autistic boy.

I would strongly suggest reading some of the Ritchie Heron’s writing. (Though I think he’s re writing some of them https://tullipr.substack.com/archive?sort=new)

Dr Az Hakeem’s work / writing would also be relevant. He’s done many interviews and written a book. He describes young men like you over and over and over.

I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life

This sentence alone shows me that you have no idea what being a woman is like

Superb post.

You sound like a thoroughly decent intelligent man.

Thoroughly decent intelligent men do not falsify their documents, destroy single sex spaces, reinforce harmful sex stereotypes or demand other’s uphold their fantasy.

There is a lot of female socialisation at play in this thread.

This is why I will never be able to get my head around why on earth as a society we didn't focus on breaking down gender stereotypes instead of affirming these souls who feel "other" because they don't fit in a box so they have created the non binary and trans boxes.

Men are men and women are women. You don't have to grow a beard and play football. Just because you paint your nails and grow your hair, it doesn't make you a woman.

I am all for non binary, I can really get behind a rejection of gender stereotypes

‘non binary’ is just another way gender stereotypes are reinforced by trans ideology. It is the idea that you are special or different for not identifying with sex stereotypes like other people. It relies those harmful stereotypes in order to be something else. No one is an anime caricature, but everyone is either male or female.

You would find much more peace with yourself if you stopped trying to explain to the world why you are something you are not. You will not be able to convince everyone of something that is not true. You need to find a way to accept that you are a guy; one who simply has different interests to what you understood, growing up, to be interests of boys and men. There is nothing wrong with liking different things and feeling more comfortable is a more feminine environment, it's very understandable.

Women having our own rights under the Equality Act was always going to upset you because you were constructing a narrative in your head that we shouldn't have them because you wanted them too. You are only thinking about this from your own perspective, and that is your problem.

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you have had such a tough time. I am not very knowledgeable so I hope this doesn’t offend you but my main issue with trans ideology is that it seems to be trying to force us backwards into strict gender roles eg if you like wearing make up then you must be a woman, whereas most of us have spent our lives trying to break down these barriers.

i hope you’re able to reach out to loved ones for support.

I hope you are able to find peace and live your life as you wish, and I wish you well.

I’m autistic and never felt right as a girl. Hang around with the boys until we aged out of that and I wasn’t upset at bullied for being different. I’m so glad I didn’t learn about trans until I was well into my 20s because I’ve never felt right I’ve always wanted acceptance and to change. But that’s not about my sex. You are born the sex you are you cannot change that. I hate female clothes make up the housework, I like DIY and other male stuff. I do everything ‘male’ by the trans definition. But still a woman. Just like you can do anything you like legally that’s feminine and still be fine as a man!

my advice is get a job or volunteer you need to get out your own head. And to be blunt half the female experience is misogyny and sexism, yes you gave experience of bullying but having men paid more, talk over you, get praise for BASIC care tasks while it’s just expected from women? You have not lived in the real world of work and parenthood and have no idea what that’s like for women. If you like female’ clothes go for it. The comments earlier about feminism being about destroying the boxes were spot on. Men can do their nails and wear dresses! Most women don’t care what you wear and look like but we want our single sex spaces safe and we want the prizes and funds and crime stats for women to actually be for women. If you were female brained you would care about this stuff not be so self centred that that’s irrelevant when it comes to your comfort because you are the special call of people- that’s so very very male.

I think I know.
Didn't someone on the Trans Reddit board have a pop at Mumsnet (I'm sure I there is a thread about it somewhere on here). I think they were threatning an infiltration to provoke a response that they could then report in the hope of getting Mumsnet shut down.
Colour me cynical, it all seems rather contrived.

I am another who wishes you all the best OP. I hope that you continue with the support for your mental health, I do wonder though whether have a therapist who affirms your identity or is neutral and seeks to support you through the many issues you are facing. For example bullying, bereavement, your study/work situation.

Like others I very much understand from reading your post that you feel the need to label yourself. This is something that my teen feels strongly, too. It took me and their dad years to reduce that need in our child. I pointed out to them that as a woman, I didn’t fit into sexist stereotypes. Their dad is not that stereotypical either. Now they have found a group of friends of both sexes that appreciate them for who they are, and what is great is that none of those friends fit sexist stereotypes either.

No boxes. Boxes have walls that might feel comfortable for a while but really do block your view of the world. And really can be a struggle to get out of. And labels can be just as bad as boxes.

From reading your post, it comes across as if you really do understand that you are not a woman. Why do you think that living with that false categorisation will make you happy? For many people, that falsity in their life will harm their mental health.

I think it is fine to explore gender. That doesn’t mean believing that you are something that you simply will never be. Surely you understand that you cannot change sex. That extreme body modification will still never change your sex.

Women and girls are not just hormones and body parts that you can acquire. I think you know this.

I’m sorry you have had a difficult time and I’m sorry for the loss of your mum.

My worry for people like you is that you will spend your life desperately trying to be seen or accepted as a woman. Many people will do this for you out of kindness, but many won’t. Please don’t allow your happiness and wellbeing to hinge on the perception of others. A significant proportion of people will always see you as what you are: a man. I think life will be more comfortable for you if you can reach an acceptance of what you really are, rather than desperately hoping everyone will eventually see you as female because that just isn’t going to happen.

Also, HRT means Hormone Replacement Therapy. When women take oestrogen and progesterone in menopause (or for other medical reasons) it is HRT. In your case they are cross-sex hormones, not HRT.

I wish you well, and I wish you peace in yourself.