I’m Trans, Here’s My Story

[SnugPeach]

Hi I’m Trans, I know I’m essentially coming into what some would consider the wolf’s den by coming here to make a post. But I’m also a strong believer in trying to help people to understand and am happy to explain my story and experiences if it helps to enhance others understanding.

I kind want this thread to be AMA but also to give a bit of backstory. Now I know some of you are going to hear the next few thing. I say an immediately just tell I’m confused or misled, but yes I have Autism. I was diagnosed at a young age, but Autism is just one part of me. Had being Autistic affected my gender? Maybe who knows, I am me, Autism is not something separate thing that it’s me.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too. I’m currently 28, have been DIYing for 1 and half years. Have everything updated and changed, Name, Passport etc. I also extensively researched everything I could on HRT over the years as the NHS system takes year and years to be seen.

During Childhood really I was I guess you could say less aware of ‘gender’ than my peers as I was for most things. I was heavily bullied at school by the boys for being ‘weird’, they’d call me ‘gay’ not that I understood what that meant but I doubt they did either, it was the early 2000s afterall. Where as on the other hand I was quite friendly with the girls, they didn’t bully me and treated me often with compassion and I’d enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately even they would get bullied from time to time for associating with me. The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things. Instead I loved working out technology how things worked, along with people. Despite being Autistic I have always been fairly sociable even if it’s been riddled with difficulties and learn curves and I still struggle with that today, but I love connecting with people and sharing feelings.

Skip forward to Secondary School and here is where a few things happen. I’m still very behind my peers in my understanding of allot of things. My feelings on my gender are neutral are based purely on fact of I am what I am because how can I not be. It did learn about Transgender people but it didn’t still click for me. I remained still extremely cautious of the boys but was more of a loner. I wanted more girl friends but the social dynamic had changed. I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff like all this stupid competitive crap and honestly a majority of time I found myself sharing my female peers feelings towards them. It was around this time I found myself more aligned with Femininity and started to self describe as a feminine-guy. But still I would be considerate and respectful towards the girls who knew saw me as a boy even if not the same. Afterall who could blame them when I myself felt the same way. My Mum taught be about the day to day struggles women deal with and I very much took that to heart. Honestly the way some of the boys acted towards girls in my class outright appalled me. I became invested in Feminism and equal rights which also spanned I to my experience with Autism and my own femininity (which had been policed just in the opposite direction, aka made fun of/discouraged). In the later years of Sixth Form I became friendly finally with people again after some therapy which also arose from me being on my own (was supported by a ta for most of my schooling, we had an autism centre in the school I went too) I grew very close to the girls in the group we would natter and gossip about all sorts. I kinda felt honoured that they considered me trustworthy enough to include in conversations they didn’t include the two other guys in. Also around this time people started asking me if I was Gay I was mostly confused, because I wasn’t Gay, Asexual yes technically (but did not have word for that yet), But not gay. I liked Women but romantically only.

Fast forward it’s university and I became a sort of shut in again. I commented to Uni and after my first year I hated the course. But my Mum refused to let me take a break or quit as by the time I’d had enough I was ‘halfway’ so her logic was to push through. Not that my degree has done anything for me. Anyway this is where feelings first started. Now in my early 20s I was finally catching up to my peers not that I’ve ever full caught up. I was fully realised as a feminine guy, however that never felt right. I also still felt outcast for this. That’s when I finally started to explore gender. Upon turning 18 I hate being called a Man and tried desperately to get people to call me a Guy as it felt less Man more neutral. So I after university came out as non-binary, I started to pass my nails get my hair dyed, But it still didn’t feel right. My Mum supported me until I bought a Jumper from the women's section. I cared deeply about my mum and her backlash was enough to push me back in the closet back to bring a feminine guy, but now my mum instead of being sensitive around my gender, it felt like she empathised my manners, which honestly disgusted me. I near had a referral for the gender clinic back here but due to this I basically let it go. One of things that made me so happy was just how unmanly I was including the fact I didn’t start growing any sort of facial hair until I was in my mid 20s and I grew and kept my hair long and it made me so so happy. Anyway back I went for a few years.

Then after finding out about Femboys it all came back, maybe this is what I am. But I quickly came to the conclusion again this was not right. I realised deep down I wished I where born a girl. I had thought that my childhood would have been easier if I was, the my behaviours would have been more acceptable. Which bought me great internal conflict. Afterall I’m a feminist. I adore the women in my life and my immediate reaction was one of disgust and hate for myself. How could I feel this way when I knew full well I struggle women have to deal with, the stereotypes my femininity fell into, the fact I could be a man and be all these things. I had a privilege one that I understood yet never felt, because I completely hated everything about being a man. So many parts of myself were restrained or restricted and I felt completely uncomfortable with myself. It turned out I was asexual for example because I couldn’t see myself as a man in situation like that ever. Still I spent the next 2 years fighting over all this with myself internally. I’d let my mum know and our relationship soured even more so because it. Over the course of the 2 years I fought with myself daily over my feelings, one side of me telling me what I was feeling was an offence to the women (cis and trans) I cared about. The other side in full acceptance that I did feel this way. I’d give away anything ANYTHING to have been born in a body that matched my mind. Again I don’t want to be a Male, full stop. I always have felt more female than male and why that’s something that’s not easily explained it’s just how I genuinely feel. All the acknowledgment and beliefs about you don’t have to be a girl to be feminine don’t seem to matter the logic doesn’t apply to that feeling.

Eventually with the support of some friends I finally go back to get a referral. Meanwhile completely separate thing but my Mums health was getting worse. She had Breast Cancer on and off since I was young also. I 2023 she was finally made terminal after over 23 years since her first diagnose (probably 5ish years of remission between first first and follow ups). Her being made terminal was a big wake up call for me for many things include this situation. For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her but once that eased off (she lived about a year longer than they predicted) it all came back and hit me really hard. I was training 27 at the end of year. I was miserable my body disgusted me and I didn’t want to waste anymore time wondering if HRT would help and if it would allow me to finally put to bed some of my feelings. So I started to DIY just before my 27th birthday. I felt a tonne better within the two weeks and despite the fact it’s not like a magic bullet pill that took away all my dysphoria and stuff it’s helped to insane degree. My Mum obviously did not support me which was hard and broke my heart deeply since she was the women I have always looked up the most in my life. That all it’s own story really.

Right now I’m sort of back I a bad way. Sure due to my Autism amongst other things I still have allot of mental health issues. I’ve never worked, have allot of anxiety, issues with depression but again I had these before transition and arguably they where better and being more manageable after until the Court Ruling early this year. Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?

it’s just so hard for me. I’m not even sure if what I’ve said is any good but I’ve just tried to describe best I can my experience and how I feel. I wish you all a pleasant day and please feel free to ask anything. Also apologises for any bad grammar/spelling mistakes, Dyslexic too.

I think it must be an evolutionary mechanism. We can always spot a man presenting as female.

@SnugPeach When do you plan on looking for a job?

Because TBH I see a lot of excuses for you not to seek employment. A lot of these issues will be resolved (like anxiety etc) if you actually go out and work, and plus the income will help you to afford cosmetic surgery too (unless you expect to crowd-fund it).

I'm assuming the Supreme Court decision makes you so depressed you can't seek employment?

What sort of job do you want?

Toilets are not just used behind a closed cubicle door. There are quite a few aspects of female toilet usage that happen in the public space, or even now still occur with a toilet door jammed open.

Well from my personal experience here is a list.

I have had to use the toilet while having a pram / pushchair jammed into the door with groceries.

I have had to have my mum use the public toilet because the disable toilet was not available and had her wheelchair jammed in the door because I couldn't leave her sit to move it and shut the door.

I have had breastmilk leaks / children's vomit / food spilled on my clothes and needed to have an unbuttoned top to dry the top under the hand drier.

I have come across other women quite regularly washing out their tops or their skirts etc and drying them enough to put back on .

I have friends who have miscarried in toilets and needed assistance and for that to be female people to make it more comfortable.

Some female person have not experienced these issues, that doesn't mean it is not happening. Dealing with these issues is uncomfortable and can be quite humiliating. But at least, in a female only toilet, it is a little better because we expect it to be only female people in there and some will have been in that same situation.

You, @SnugPeach , might just want to pee. But maybe it is time for you to actually understand that the female toilets have a purpose that is not just for you to pee and feel comfortable. Other options are available.

Now, some women who don't want to cause you distress or who have been privileged not to have these experiences themselves will probably tell you that these experiences don't matter. Perhaps you need to stop believing the platitudes that people tell you and gain greater understanding of female people's lives.

For your AMA

Tell me please, why should I have to self exclude from the spaces that are designed expressly to suit my needs that are actually not rare because you choose to use the toilets that are not there for you and that the law has said clearly you should not be accessing?

Insight into what?

Well you should not be using women's toilets. The one time I found a large male person who identifies as a woman in the female toilets I said absolutely nothing but I was fucking furious. I couldn't have made a scene because of where I was, and I know he was trans because he was high profile at the time. I didn't consent to sharing my toilet with him. He just assumed. That to him probably means 'using female toilets with no issue' because no women have the guts to tell him to fuck off out. Yes, now we can do so knowing we have the clarity of the law behind us, and that's AWESOME. You panic knowing women can legally challenge you in the woman's loos. Which we were always legally allowed to do, but many providers didn't understand that. You panic because you know women don't want you there and you fear being called out on your imposition on women's spaces. So STOP imposing. Use the men's. Nothing bad will happen to you and you'd be living with integrity and courage.

@SnugPeach I thought by sharing my story it could help or be insight to help start conversations.

It's done that, and then some. at this stage you are not just coming across as an entitled male, you are coming across as a pervy encroaching entitled male. Stay out of the women's loos, they are not for you.

It's time for that manly man comes to share his manly views pic again, if anyone has it handy....

I use the women’s toilets and have been doing without issue for the last year or so.

It is not about you. Women’s spaces are for women.

So you decided to believe in something that was not materially real rather than coming to terms with your reality?

And you think that this is you living authentically? Do you see the dissonance in that position?

Do not use female single spaces.
No matter your intentions or behaviour you are harming women and every girl who encounters you there.
If you don’t understand why that is, you are a grossly selfish and entitled male.

Again, do you think we don't know why men like you prefer to identify as women? Do you think we can't use our imagination or empathy or life experience to understand your position? We know it already. Were you hoping to change hearts and minds?

????

Stop using women's toilets.

I’m more at peace now. But with what’s happening in the media. The Supreme Court ruling it’s making life more difficult. Since the ruling I have had a breakdown and gone back into Therapy.

The Supreme Court Judgement clarified what they Law said and has always said that women as a sex class have rights and those rights encompass spaces, services and sports free of all males. Why would women having their rights in Law clarified lead to you having a breakdown, do you not believe women are deserving of spaces, services and sports free of males?

Now I’m saying this as my genuine feelings even know I’m aware most of you will likely not like this reponce. I use the women’s toilets and have been doing without issue for the last year or so.

You do not and cannot know that this has been without issue for other women. I can tell you categorically it is an issue for many, many, women so much so that many self excluded from spaces and services that were designated for their use because they could not be confident that males would not be in those spaces and services.

I got direct to the female toilets by female and male staff when visiting places. I have never felt safe around men to begin with in the past but I feel giga unsafe.

Newsflash - women feel unsafe around males in their single sex spaces however those males identify or whatever those males believe about themselves, but that thought or consideration never enters your head does it?

It’s also embarrassing for me to be put in position where I am essentially immediately outed by being forced into some ‘third space’ again when I said prior I just want to get on with my life, that’s what I meant.

A third, or actually fourth as the third space is for those with disabilities, space designated Gender Neutral/Unisex or whatever is not outing anyone as it can equally be used by anyone of any sex.

I’m not trying to come into any space and invade. I just want to pee in peace quietly, maybe run a brush through my hair at the mirror and get out.

You are and have been invading women's spaces whether you want to admit it or not. Women want to do the above without the prescence of males, again how about you consider that?

Now I’m in a position where I feel like a target and I’m just waiting for somebody to attack me for simply existing. It’s only gotten worse and worse and worse as time goes on.

Numerous transwomen use male facilities without any issues whatsoever, join them.

You don’t think if I could literally rip myself open and change every fundamental part of my DNA that I wouldn’t? Ofc I would.

You can't and you need to accept that.

when people say ‘there are 2 sexes and infinite personalities’ you are exactly who they are speaking to.

You are unique. You are you. You are a feminine man not confined by rigid adherence to society’s gender norms. Live it, embrace it. Be yourself absolutely and learn to live the way you are.

but you are and will resolutely always remain a man. Nothing wrong with that. It is who you are- it is what makes you, well you!

A question: how many of your friends were trans before you transitioned?

R.e. toilets and so on, the vast majority of women on here seeing a transwoman would not say anything and leave. That doesn't mean that we haven't identified your biological sex.

Even if you are pointed to the womens that doesn't mean you "pass", many organisations had unlawful policies that transwomen have the right to use the women's facilities.

Many women are rape survivors, be triggered by your presence and may have panic attacks or be frightened by you. We want spaces free from biological men for the exact same reason you seem to expect to use them.

Personally I am particularly angry about someone using women's facilities when there is a gender neutral option. It isn't "outting". People use them for all sorts of reasons.

I have never felt safe around men

Women are not human shields for men who feel unsafe around other men.

“Wolf” equals “bitch”? Since when?! Wolves in western culture are typically male-coded, from the Big Bad Wolf to “The Wolf of Wall Street.”

Fair enough if you didn’t like OP’s comment about “the wolf’s den,” but claiming “wolf” is a clear synonym for “bitch” is just silly.

I got direct to the female toilets by female and male staff when visiting places.

So, soon you will be directed to unisex (single users) toilets, where you will be safe and able to do what you need.

And no-one ever died of embarrassment.

You don't need to change your DNA. If you'd been born female the chances are you'd have hated that too. I'm not going into details but (just for one example) most women dislike having to manage periods and for autistic women it can be really bad. And the whole social thing is so much more complex for girls... with autism you would probably have decided you wanted to be male instead because your life would have been so much better.

Have you ever look at your appearance and thought I don’t like this I wish my hips where wider or my cheekbones less defined. That in a way is a form of Gender Dysphoria,

The HRT I take is real medication that you can Google and see is the real deal.

Sometimes the fags I buy look the real deal, until I light one and then it's obvious they are knock offs and I'm smoking God knows what. But at least I can tell after one inhale of smoke they are dodgy.

Can you tell if you've got dodgy knock off hormones in decent fake packaging or the real deal?

I will say again. And ask again. (With an edit coz I can’t copy it all and there’s some things I want to say)

I’ve had a breakdown because I was raped by a man, an ex partner .
he used my female sex and socialisation to harass, stalk and sexually assault and rape me. He also tried to strangle me during sex and as part of the rape.
why are you more entitled to be in a single sex space where there is therapy available for that trauma than I am? You are not of the female sex and you can access other provision. Why are you entitled to push me out of a space that you are not entitled to be in? You being in that space - with your male body - means that I can’t go there. I can’t access that therapy because you with your male body terrify me when I am at my most vulnerable because I don’t know you but I recognise you as male and my body goes in to flight mode. I have panic attacks regularly in mixed company with men I don’t know. I can’t socialise as I used to. Why should you be able to access a safe space that is legally allowed a sex exemption so that I can get help and support?

I tried to attach the pic but my phone is playing up...

That's not gender dysphoria. I have body parts I don't like, it doesn't make me a man or in denial about being a woman.

No. That is body dysmorphia.