I’m Trans, Here’s My Story

[SnugPeach]

Hi I’m Trans, I know I’m essentially coming into what some would consider the wolf’s den by coming here to make a post. But I’m also a strong believer in trying to help people to understand and am happy to explain my story and experiences if it helps to enhance others understanding.

I kind want this thread to be AMA but also to give a bit of backstory. Now I know some of you are going to hear the next few thing. I say an immediately just tell I’m confused or misled, but yes I have Autism. I was diagnosed at a young age, but Autism is just one part of me. Had being Autistic affected my gender? Maybe who knows, I am me, Autism is not something separate thing that it’s me.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too. I’m currently 28, have been DIYing for 1 and half years. Have everything updated and changed, Name, Passport etc. I also extensively researched everything I could on HRT over the years as the NHS system takes year and years to be seen.

During Childhood really I was I guess you could say less aware of ‘gender’ than my peers as I was for most things. I was heavily bullied at school by the boys for being ‘weird’, they’d call me ‘gay’ not that I understood what that meant but I doubt they did either, it was the early 2000s afterall. Where as on the other hand I was quite friendly with the girls, they didn’t bully me and treated me often with compassion and I’d enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately even they would get bullied from time to time for associating with me. The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things. Instead I loved working out technology how things worked, along with people. Despite being Autistic I have always been fairly sociable even if it’s been riddled with difficulties and learn curves and I still struggle with that today, but I love connecting with people and sharing feelings.

Skip forward to Secondary School and here is where a few things happen. I’m still very behind my peers in my understanding of allot of things. My feelings on my gender are neutral are based purely on fact of I am what I am because how can I not be. It did learn about Transgender people but it didn’t still click for me. I remained still extremely cautious of the boys but was more of a loner. I wanted more girl friends but the social dynamic had changed. I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff like all this stupid competitive crap and honestly a majority of time I found myself sharing my female peers feelings towards them. It was around this time I found myself more aligned with Femininity and started to self describe as a feminine-guy. But still I would be considerate and respectful towards the girls who knew saw me as a boy even if not the same. Afterall who could blame them when I myself felt the same way. My Mum taught be about the day to day struggles women deal with and I very much took that to heart. Honestly the way some of the boys acted towards girls in my class outright appalled me. I became invested in Feminism and equal rights which also spanned I to my experience with Autism and my own femininity (which had been policed just in the opposite direction, aka made fun of/discouraged). In the later years of Sixth Form I became friendly finally with people again after some therapy which also arose from me being on my own (was supported by a ta for most of my schooling, we had an autism centre in the school I went too) I grew very close to the girls in the group we would natter and gossip about all sorts. I kinda felt honoured that they considered me trustworthy enough to include in conversations they didn’t include the two other guys in. Also around this time people started asking me if I was Gay I was mostly confused, because I wasn’t Gay, Asexual yes technically (but did not have word for that yet), But not gay. I liked Women but romantically only.

Fast forward it’s university and I became a sort of shut in again. I commented to Uni and after my first year I hated the course. But my Mum refused to let me take a break or quit as by the time I’d had enough I was ‘halfway’ so her logic was to push through. Not that my degree has done anything for me. Anyway this is where feelings first started. Now in my early 20s I was finally catching up to my peers not that I’ve ever full caught up. I was fully realised as a feminine guy, however that never felt right. I also still felt outcast for this. That’s when I finally started to explore gender. Upon turning 18 I hate being called a Man and tried desperately to get people to call me a Guy as it felt less Man more neutral. So I after university came out as non-binary, I started to pass my nails get my hair dyed, But it still didn’t feel right. My Mum supported me until I bought a Jumper from the women's section. I cared deeply about my mum and her backlash was enough to push me back in the closet back to bring a feminine guy, but now my mum instead of being sensitive around my gender, it felt like she empathised my manners, which honestly disgusted me. I near had a referral for the gender clinic back here but due to this I basically let it go. One of things that made me so happy was just how unmanly I was including the fact I didn’t start growing any sort of facial hair until I was in my mid 20s and I grew and kept my hair long and it made me so so happy. Anyway back I went for a few years.

Then after finding out about Femboys it all came back, maybe this is what I am. But I quickly came to the conclusion again this was not right. I realised deep down I wished I where born a girl. I had thought that my childhood would have been easier if I was, the my behaviours would have been more acceptable. Which bought me great internal conflict. Afterall I’m a feminist. I adore the women in my life and my immediate reaction was one of disgust and hate for myself. How could I feel this way when I knew full well I struggle women have to deal with, the stereotypes my femininity fell into, the fact I could be a man and be all these things. I had a privilege one that I understood yet never felt, because I completely hated everything about being a man. So many parts of myself were restrained or restricted and I felt completely uncomfortable with myself. It turned out I was asexual for example because I couldn’t see myself as a man in situation like that ever. Still I spent the next 2 years fighting over all this with myself internally. I’d let my mum know and our relationship soured even more so because it. Over the course of the 2 years I fought with myself daily over my feelings, one side of me telling me what I was feeling was an offence to the women (cis and trans) I cared about. The other side in full acceptance that I did feel this way. I’d give away anything ANYTHING to have been born in a body that matched my mind. Again I don’t want to be a Male, full stop. I always have felt more female than male and why that’s something that’s not easily explained it’s just how I genuinely feel. All the acknowledgment and beliefs about you don’t have to be a girl to be feminine don’t seem to matter the logic doesn’t apply to that feeling.

Eventually with the support of some friends I finally go back to get a referral. Meanwhile completely separate thing but my Mums health was getting worse. She had Breast Cancer on and off since I was young also. I 2023 she was finally made terminal after over 23 years since her first diagnose (probably 5ish years of remission between first first and follow ups). Her being made terminal was a big wake up call for me for many things include this situation. For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her but once that eased off (she lived about a year longer than they predicted) it all came back and hit me really hard. I was training 27 at the end of year. I was miserable my body disgusted me and I didn’t want to waste anymore time wondering if HRT would help and if it would allow me to finally put to bed some of my feelings. So I started to DIY just before my 27th birthday. I felt a tonne better within the two weeks and despite the fact it’s not like a magic bullet pill that took away all my dysphoria and stuff it’s helped to insane degree. My Mum obviously did not support me which was hard and broke my heart deeply since she was the women I have always looked up the most in my life. That all it’s own story really.

Right now I’m sort of back I a bad way. Sure due to my Autism amongst other things I still have allot of mental health issues. I’ve never worked, have allot of anxiety, issues with depression but again I had these before transition and arguably they where better and being more manageable after until the Court Ruling early this year. Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?

it’s just so hard for me. I’m not even sure if what I’ve said is any good but I’ve just tried to describe best I can my experience and how I feel. I wish you all a pleasant day and please feel free to ask anything. Also apologises for any bad grammar/spelling mistakes, Dyslexic too.

I have short hair and have had a hysterectomy, but you know what? that does not make me a man, I am still female

DNA cannot be changed

Ps. Respecting my opinion isn’t the same as saying you allow me to say something.

You would benefit from having a think around that choice of language and what it says about how you view others.

'I'll allow you to refrain from calling me female...'

Do you see it yet OP? Do you see what we are all pointing to?

Here is another:

"I asked you to respect my request to not be called male while acknowledging your request to not call me female. "

"I only kindly asked you not refer to me as male. I never demanded you call me female. You can talk to a person without calling them male and he/him, they’re are neutral ways."

"I asked politely for people to meet me in the middle but I won’t make anybody do anything and never tried to do that. I only asked that was all. I’m leaving it now."

@SnugPeach

I agree everybody experiences Gender Dysphoria

I completely disagree - I was born in a female body, classed as female and I accept I am female. If I was born in a male body and classed as male I would accept I am male.

Another one for your AMA @SnugPeach :

What do you think gives you the right to repurpose the female sex class in your own image and demand the female sex class agree, validate and conform?

I’m more at peace now. But with what’s happening in the media. The Supreme Court ruling it’s making life more difficult. Since the ruling I have had a breakdown and gone back into Therapy.

Now I’m saying this as my genuine feelings even know I’m aware most of you will likely not like this reponce. I use the women’s toilets and have been doing without issue for the last year or so. I got direct to the female toilets by female and male staff when visiting places. I have never felt safe around men to begin with in the past but I feel giga unsafe. It’s also embarrassing for me to be put in position where I am essentially immediately outed by being forced into some ‘third space’ again when I said prior I just want to get on with my life, that’s what I meant. I’m not trying to come into any space and invade. I just want to pee in peace quietly, maybe run a brush through my hair at the mirror and get out.

Now I’m in a position where I feel like a target and I’m just waiting for somebody to attack me for simply existing. It’s only gotten worse and worse and worse as time goes on. You don’t think if I could literally rip myself open and change every fundamental part of my DNA that I wouldn’t? Ofc I would.

Do you think people will see you as female if you grow breasts via oestrogen? Because that's really the only thing oestrogen might give you. Trans people who claim that it makes their skin softer and makes them smell better etc are often impacted by confirmation bias and it's extremely subjective. It also won't erase all the very obvious markers that your body is male. Women are much better at detecting sex than men are, by the way.

The SC ruling is making your life more difficult?
How so?

Why do you think you have the right to use women's spaces, that don't belong to you, without their consent?

The aim was I guess to try and and explain my pov. Honestly my feelings on gender at one point I feel were very GC. I couldn’t change because I was born a Man just had to accept it. But that just lead me to complete misery and I never felt comfortable something was always wrongz

You're making yourself a target by using women's toilets when you are a man.
Women also want to 'pee in peace', without the presence of male bodies.

You're a man.

Just go to the men's where you belong and the law has reconfirmed you do. Or a third space. I'm sure your lovely friends will go there with you, then you wouldn't be outed. Also, no one will look at you in a third space. They damn well will in the women's. They always wanted to call it out and now some have more confidence to do so.

If you cared at all about women you'd do that. So by not doing so, you show us that you are a misogynistic opportunist.

Sadly, there is no middle ground here. You believe you can become a woman. We know you cannot. There simply is no room for compromise.

That said, there's nothing to stop you "presenting" as a woman, as you call it, using a "female" name if that's what you like, enjoying stereotypically female pursuits, having female friends, and even asking the people you interact with daily if they would use female pronouns for you - on the understanding that this is done as a courtesy, to make you happier, and not because you actually are a woman.

I’ve had a breakdown because I was raped by a man, an ex partner .

he used my female sex and socialisation to harass, stalk and sexually assault and rape me. He also tried to strangle me during sex and as part of the rape.

why are you more entitled to be in a single sex space where there is therapy available for that trauma than I am? You are not of the female sex and you can access other provision. Why are you entitled to push me out of a safe space for me?

Can you not see how intensely self centred this is?

Not one thought for the women whose spaces you infiltrated.

Its all about you and expecting women to act as your shield and your support humans.

The irony is that kind of behaviour is completely male coded.

How about all the women who feel like targets when a man like you goes into female same-sex spaces?

How dare you invade women's spaces, particularly now that you know that you are breaking the law by doing so? If you're not prepared to use the third spaces that have been made available then stay home. You are male. Women have a right to dignity and security.

Out of politeness, sympathy or down right awkwardness, people might act like you are female but they know you are male.

No one acts like men are female, they act like they perceive a man who is pretending to be female. You see it as soon as a man enters a previously female sex space - every single woman immediately reacts and changes her behaviour. The leave the space, they try to make themselves smaller by averting eyes and reducing interaction, or they fawn; pretend they like the man’s clothes or lipstick in order to appear friendly and less likely to get attacked.

Ironically, the women who treat trans identified men the least like women are those who think they are being the most ‘supportive’. They provide the fantasy of womanhood that the man is looking for that they would never do with another woman.

I use the women’s toilets and have been doing without issue for the last year or so.

You mean, without issue for you.

What you are doing is illegal, non consensual and intrusive. And it doesn't make you a woman, it makes you a man who doesn't give a shit about women's safety or consent. We are not props for your self image, access to us in intimate spaces to soothe your self image is not your human right nor your therapy.

Women absolutely clock you. Some won't care but a huge number will not confront you out of fear. They do not consent. Plus, you embolden other, dangerous, men to enter those spaces Why is that not an issue for you?

I don't like being perceived as an old woman, but that's what I am.

However, once people get to know me, they stop perceiving me as anything other than myself.

But you’re not ‘simply existing’ you’re going into women’s toilets where you know that legally you are not allowed to be, for good reason, and that women do not want you there. I doubt very much that you would be attacked for being in there but women may make it clear that you’re not welcome.

I see that you want to exert a degree of control over others that simply is not reasonable or rational, this is no way to live your life. If your self worth is so fragile I’m surprised you can leave the house. I really think you would be better off accepting yourself as a man, there are many many gender non-conforming men around living their best lives and not worrying about being outed or attacked.

Again I guess I thought by sharing my story it could help or be insight to help start conversations.

If you feel uncomfortable using the women's toilets you could stop pretending you're a woman.