My therapist seems politically opposed to my feminist views

[idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams]

I didn't know where else to post this and could do with a sense check/ideas as to how to deal with this.

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year for a range of issues, including substance misuse and recovering from abuse during my childhood and teens (sexual, violence). We've spoken about some really difficult and personal things that I have never discussed before and I have felt that the therapy has been useful. I thought I trusted him and trust is not an easy thing for me.

I'm a GC feminist. I'm also a lawyer and so I tend to have a legal lens on some of the debates around issues of trans rights and the rights of women and girls. I have talked in therapy about how I have found the tone of the debate around trans rights increasingly upsetting and hostile (on one side) and I had been upset over the discussion re the Supreme Court and the Equality Act. I've talked about both this and how hard it can be to feel like there's no space for women to express certain views without being dismissed or labelled.

My error (I totally accept I shouldn't have looked, but he should have locked down his settings) - I looked and saw a pic on SM of him at a protest. I don't want to out myself or him but he was holding a banner basically slagging off the Supreme Court.

And now I feel . . . the trust has gone. Has he been quietly judging me while I shared some frankly painful stuff? Does he respect my perspective? As I don't know if I can work with someone who doesn't. It's not a difference in political views, I feel like my views on these issues are fundamentally part of who I am as a person.

I know I crossed a boundary and shouldn't have looked, but would appreciate any thoughts as to whether I am being overly sensitive and/or whether it's something I should bring up.

Or maybe I am just wrong to care? Thoughts welcome!

@imnotaskingforlunchmeat he's registered with BCAP. But this guidance on sm use is so loose and it's only guidance.

I did think I may be doing him a favour in pointing out that anyone can see his stuff. Some of it is really v personal 🤯

The BACP guidelines you link to do not preclude the situation as described by the OP.

BACP themselves are very much aligned with support of the trans community.

Whilst that's your own personal position and I respect that I wouldn't say thats necessarily a feminist position (or an idea referenced in feminism should I say). I don't see why you think any women should never have a male therapist. If they don't want one or feel comfortable then that's fine (whether that be due to sexual trauma or another issue) but as a generalisation I think that's quite unfair. If you've never come across a man aware of the patriarchy and understanding on how it impact women, get around better men, would I say many perpeutate patriarchy, yes but also many women have internalised patriarchal views as well, and patriarchy is unfortunately ingrained in many structural systems. That being said I don't think that it can be said of men in general and male therapists that they cannot be aware, understanding and empathetic of this, and in their lives and work advocate and make changes to improve things.

Many male therapists work with women who have gone through sexual trauma and it can be very helpful (not just for sexual trauma but for a variety of issues and problems). Obviously people should only do what they feel comfortable with but I do believe and have known others experience to find it very helpful and for many they were surprised by it and didn't have high expectations coming into it. I'm generalising but they can be very experienced, empathetic, have different modality training etc and like I mentioned before can be a safe place for people to build up trust with a man as a form of repair work which they can replicate outside of therapy. To each their own but I don't think it's a fair generalisation to say they cannot be trusted with such issues because they haven't experienced it or the daily struggles of being a women. I also don't think its a fair positon to never have therapy from a man or suggest that, many women have grest experiences with male therapists and many men with female therapists. Whilst it can be important for some, many find it a minor detail and care more about modality, training, experience with certain issues etc, many women feel comfortable with a male therapist and I don't think this needs to be discouraged at all. I also don't see the point about women having female driving instructors (are you talking about safety concerns or other reasons?).

I agree you are doing him a favour. I wonder if he may have lost some previous clients because of the public profile, definitely helpful to tell him.

@imnotaskingforlunchmeat he might well have lost clients/potential clients. However, and it's just speculation on my part, I reckon he's probably gained some too, if others have seen it. I live in a v "progressive" bit of London (not that I define this crap as progressive, quite the opposite) so he is aligned with the demographic. He markets himself as a queer counsellor, so I am guessing that he has many younger queer clients and I am a bit of an outlier on some fronts.

However, I chose him over others I met because I fundamentally warmed to him, the practicalities worked, he seemed clever and switched on. I didn't drill down at the outset as I didn't think I would ever talk about my past tbh. And now am in a situation where the only person I have ever told about some of this is someone who possibly has v little respect for women. Am a bit shaken by it all, frankly.
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I’ve been avoiding responding to this thread because I didn’t think I had much to contribute but @idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams, your last post really struck me. You have placed your trust, trust you have never given to anyone else, in someone by telling them about your SA history. You have now found out that they fundamentally do not believe that women’s rights are worthy of respect. (And let’s face it - going and marching against the SC ruling, and then sharing about that on his socials, makes it fairly clear that he feels strongly about this. He could easily have quietly disapproved of the ruling and not done anything about it).

It does not matter how you found out. It does not matter that your relationship with him up to this point has been lovely and beneficial. The trust is gone. That’s all that matters. You don’t owe this person anything. He is providing a service, and you cannot now make use of that service without always thinking of how his ideology doesn’t align with yours - in a way that is fairly fundamental for the type of therapy work that it turns out you are needing to be doing. In that situation, I personally would not be able to continue with him.

I don’t think it matters one way or another if you tell him what you saw or not. It’s not your responsibility to get him to reflect on his choices. You just need to trust the person you have opened up to, and it is clear from what you write that you no longer do. That’s the only thing you need to worry about.

I think the idea that you can't be trans supporting and also supporting of women and girls is wrong.

I agree to a point. The friends I have who believe in gender identity would definitely consider themselves supportive of women.

But if you've been raped, you've experienced extreme dehumanisation as your consent and autonomy was dismissed as unimportant and your body was used as an object.

Many people who believe that gender identity is more important than sex hold a belief that leads them to 1) decide I have a female gender identity (I don't I simply have a female sex) and 2) men who say they have a female gender identity have a right to be around me in spaces where I'm vulnerable regardless of how I feel. Maybe even to touch me (HCP, police search etc).

Point 2) is the big issue here. It holds an echo of the experience of sexual assault. People who believe that gender identity is more important than sex are overriding my consent to give certain men access to my body when it is vulnerable. As I said in a previous post, I couldn't have a sexual or therapeutic relationship with a person willing to do this.

Another echo of the original traumatic event is that many victims of male sexual violence have also experienced being shamed, blamed, and/or not believed about the event. From their communities, religions, families, the police. And now we have an ideology which, as well as being dismissive of women's consent, seeks to shame women who need female spaces! We are not believed and are instead cast as bigots by activists and institutions!

So sure. Mr Therapist may truly believe he supports women at the same time as he actively campaigns to dismiss and override their consent (and as I already said he genuinely must be quite skilled for OP to have got this far!). But what Mr Therapist hasn't done is thoroughly interrogate his own internal bias, cognitive dissonance and blind spots on the subject of women. And personally I think survivors of male sexual violence, attempting to heal in our patriarchal world, deserve someone who's done that work. I think true empathy depends on it.

OP if you did want a final session with him, for your own sense of closure then your last paragraph sums it up well and you could tell him ( or write to him) with that. I've had therapy, my male therapist was struck off for inappropriate behavior long after I finished sessions, and it really made me doubt the progress I had made with my own issues ( which was overall a really positive experience for me). The work you've done to date is important, so safeguard that in your own mind ( whether it's talking to him about this discovery or not). Best of luck with the road forward.

It holds an echo of the experience of sexual assault. People who believe that gender identity is more important than sex are overriding my consent to give certain men access to my body when it is vulnerable.

I agree, and I don't understand how a therapist wouldn't both understand this, and be able to relate it to the need for single sex services. The EA recognises that a space can be single sex if a woman "might object to the presence of a man (or vice versa)" , but, apparently from the therapist's point of view, she should not have the agency to objectively judge whether somebody is a man and a man's perceptions of himself is more important than a woman's ability to assess sex.

How can you treat a sexual assault survivor if you effectively undermine their experience of reality?

I would also be concerned about his understanding of the SC judgement. The SC judgement just confirmed that women as a class are recognised in law and have rights. It is not the SC's job to write or change legislation, but apparently just acknowledging the existence of women's rights was offensive to him.

Perhaps he didn't think any of this through - but he wasn't just making a vague comment, he was holding a sign at a demonstration that expressed a specific point of view about the SC.

Agreed. I do understand that many women feel comfortable with male therapists. Personally I could never feel completely comfortable with talking about my intimate experiences, particularly those around sexual violence, to a man. I would feel more vulnerable in that situation than if I had to take my clothes off in front of them.

@Merrymouse your penultimate paragraph sums up my thinking about his response to the SC issue very well, thank you.

@Reallybadidea I totally understand why many women could/would only work with a female therapist. I surprised myself in feeling as comfortable and safe as I have done with him. Partly that is just down to individual personality and a sense of "clicking". Without providing details that would out me/him, I discovered after I started that we have a shared background in something that has been v important to who I am over the years and that we spoke a common language in relation to that area. He gets it. He's not a parent but I have always felt well heard when I have spoken about any issues relating to parenting too. And he has always responded with kindness and professionalism throughout, but this stuff is such a fucking blind spot.

I cannot accept that someone who is clever and able to think critically would go along with the SC bollocks. More general support for trans rights is not particularly the issue, but the SC and issues around single sex spaces is the line for me and I want to know, genuinely, what he thinks.

@imnotaskingforlunchmeat am so glad I have been able to add to your playlist 🤣😂. It's a great track.

And thank you. I am just going to need to give thought as to how I bring it up in a way that feels comfortable for me.

Thank you @TwoLoonsAndASprout . I agree that I don't owe him anything, whether that's an explanation or justification or whatever. But I feel that I would want to do that for me and because I think it's important for him to hear as he may well have other clients who will be assisted by him hearing this. And of course, I still also hope he is open to a discussion and maybe there is a way forward.

It is possible to support women’s rights while also advocating for trans rights, including the right of trans individuals to access women-only spaces. Although I do not personally hold this view, I consider it a critical life skill to engage with nuance, holding competing perspectives, to think critically, and to recognise that individuals may arrive at different perspectives through thoughtful reasoning.

While I do not support the inclusion of trans individuals in single-sex spaces on the grounds that it may infringe upon the rights and sense of safety of others, I acknowledge that differing views exist and may be held sincerely. I believe I could tolerate a therapist who holds a different perspective, provided they demonstrate respect and sensitivity in the therapeutic relationship. However, I also recognise that for some women, particularly those with experiences of sexual or domestic violence, this issue constitutes a non-negotiable boundary that must be approached with care and understanding.

In my experience working within women’s organisations, I have found that such spaces often hold binary and rigid positions on these issues, which can limit open discussion and engagement with differing viewpoints.

It is possible to support women’s rights while also advocating for trans rights, including the right of trans individuals to access women-only spaces.

No, it isn't, @Lavenderflower . What you are stating is a contradiction in terms.

So you chose a therapist who markets himself as queer, but are now shaken because he's supporting part of the queer community?

This thread will now get taken over by TRAs who don't think that women should set boundaries that don't include them.

I had a male therapist, and it was generally a useful experience. I got a lot out of it, and after nine months I had a really profound breakthrough and he discharged me, as I had learned to self-reflect in a way that meant I could deal with stuff myself.
One of the things I realised was the utmost importance of having a very secure grip on reality and refraining from lying to myself. I was in a toxic relationship with a man who lived in denial and lied to everyone, including himself. I could feel it wasn't right, but I lied to myself about the situation because I didn't want to lose the relationship. Eventually, I reached breaking point and I had to face the truth, had a dark night of the soul and a subsequent awakening.
Almost a year later, I peaked (thanks Dr Upton!), and I realised that we have all been gaslit for years, and we've all been expected to lie to ourselves about what we know to be true. Fuck that, frankly. Now, I think anyone who condones GI ideology is lying to themselves, and for me that would be a barrier in a therapeutic relationship. When I return to therapy in future, I will choose a GC therapist. Not because I want to talk about gender issues, or even women's rights, but because I want a therapist who has a firm grip on reality.

@Radioundermypillow I think it's perfectly possible to be part of the queer community and support the rights of women and girls .... Of course it bloody is; the queer community includes many women and girls after all 🙄🥴. Not that it's relevant to the issues as to why I am in therapy, but I consider myself to be part of the queer community, having been in relationships with women in the past. The fact that my therapist is a member of the queer community is irrelevant to the issues.

The external world shifts shape- - what does this mean? It seems kind of, I don't know, nothing is real, it's all shifting shape, things wouldn'tt be traumatic if you'd only learn to take a more positive attitude?
That's skating a bit close to "you'd be find if you'd just relax and enjoy it" isn't it?

I am not a TRA. I am surprised that the OP would deliberately choose a therapist that markets himself as queer if supporting trans rights is a deal breaker for her.

Are there any therapists who market themselves as GC? (Genuine question)

Yes @Radioundermypillow

My daughter saw a male therapist as she is adopted and had a lot of issues with mother figures who had abandoned her. She needed a male therapist at that point in her life.

He helped her enormously for a while. But then she started to feel uncomfortable with him. I was getting concerned too. He seemed infatuated with her.

Covid brought matters to a head (long, long story) and she stopped seeing him.

Later on she had a female therapist, all online. This was ideal for her as she had the distance she needed - she couldn't cope with being in the same room as a therapist, male or female but for different reasons.

Anyway, I wanted to mention that Bruce Perry, trauma expert, says that research shows that the single most important feature of therapy is that it makes you feel held/contained.

I mentioned before that I saw a therapist who made it clear what she thought of me for having given up work to look after my adopted daughters- even though she knew their needs were off the scale and I had decided it was the right thing to do. Instead of helping me look at the choices I had made, she made sarky comments, insinuated I was a traitor to women's rights, wasnt setting a good example to my daughters. Once she tried to move an appointment back a bit, but it meant I couldnt do the school pick up so I said no, and she had a go at me about my husband not helping - he worked in a high pressured job a good commute away and we depended on his salary and I found her lack of ability to understand my world too much in the end.

I then saw a counsellor who had less understanding on paper of my issues but who treated me with respect, which I found hugely reassuring after the horrible experience with the therapist.

I do think that feeling "held" is so important and if you can't hold that feeling with this therapist it simply won't work.