How to talk about 'trans-girl' in my son's class.

[user1471471849]

Hello,

My son is 7 and there is a 6 year old trans-girl (aka a boy who identifies as a girl) in his school. It's a small school so everyone interacts with each other a lot. When the boy first socially transitioned and started wearing girls clothes and changed their name it was hard to know how to explain this to my son. He's a clever guy who asks hard questions and he was confused about what was going on. I went with the line that the child is a boy but is confused and feels he's a girl and not to bring it up to avoid arguments or hurt feelings.
Just to be clear, I don't agree with the parents' choice to socially transition such a young kid, I feel the kid is being pushed into this.. But it's not my place to say and I'm conscious of the poor kid's mental health and not wanting to make his life harder. To me, sex is binary and immutable but I knew that I'd eventually run into problems. Unfortunately, my son doesn't get on well with this kid and has made comments about him really being a boy. So we were called into the principal's office today saying the boy (or girl in the child's mind) is transgender and is a girl now. I explained what I'd told my son- that the child is biologically a boy but is confused and feels he's a girl and to not bring it up. I also said I wasn't willing to lie to my child and say that you can change sex and I got the impression that they agreed but said it's the school policy ( here and nationwide- in Ireland) to accept this.

Obviously, we don't want our son to be upsetting anyone so we'll make sure he knows to be very mindful of people's feelings but it's such a hard road to navigate (being truthful with him and trying to make sure he doesn't upset the child by passing on his thoughts on the matter- it's not a nice situation for anyone). I know we're going to come up against this again. The parents haven't said anything to us but I reckon it's only a matter of time.
If anyone has any advice on how I could manage this situation better please let me know.

Thanks.

It is true that some people are fat. It is true that some people are ugly. Making comments about these things is cruel.

It's not the disagreeing with someone else's world view that makes comments nasty, it's knowing they will hurt someone's feelings, then saying it anyway. It can only be concluded that you either don't care about their feelings, or actually want to hurt them. Neither are nice are they?

These situations are not comparative.

There is not a need to use demanded language changes for those reasons. There is just no need to mention those descriptive characteristics of people. They are also potentially highly subjective.

However, it is highly relevant to acknowledge someone’s sex for use of pronouns and maybe other aspects of daily school life to have to use specified language to accommodate a person’s philosophical belief that doesn’t reflect material reality. There is no subjectivity to a person’s sex.

It is emotionally manipulative to describe the typical use of English language to accurately describe someone’s sex as ‘nasty’ and ‘intended to hurt’.

Making a comment that a boy is actually … a boy is not ‘nasty’ or ‘bullying’. HTH.

The bad behaviour is coming from the adults that are putting two young children in this position. No one can change sex.

Call it what you like. If this boy got on with the trans child it's unlikely he would be making comments about him being a boy isn't it. Or it wouldn't need to be mentioned they don't like eachother.

If you don't think comments you know will hurt someone's feelings made off the back of not liking someone are nasty we will never agree on this and should just leave it there.

Can you explain why dont caring = not nice ?

Why has the OPs 7 year old got to care about the other childs feeling?

As we all know ‘identity’ is not the same as sex.

OPs DS is allowed to refer to the sex of the boy in question. It hasn’t changed.

No. We will not agree on this.

You have only centred one child here in your posts and that is the child making linguistic demands on others. And all you have support your point is emotional manipulation and false comparisons.

@user1471471849 Please watch ‘Petite Fille’

And you have only centred your need to be right over other people's feelings.

We certainly won't agree.

Why should anyone care about anyone else's feelings?

Because we are a social species that literally relies on caring about eachother to survive. Good people care if they upset others or not.

The adults should not have lied to this boy who identifies as a girl. They are the ones who have set this poor boy up for 'hurt feelings'.

The boy cannot change sex.
The boy will find out that you cannot make everyone pretend that he has.
The law (EA2010) does not pretend that he has.
Puberty is going to come along and show him that he is male.
Truth and biology will out.

No. Not being right. For people having equal rights in having their philosophical beliefs acknowledged.

Can you tell us which other group's philosophical belief, one that doesn't reflect material reality, gets to change a population's language to suit themselves and to use emotional manipulation and even policy to dictate that people deny their own philosophical belief in this way? What other group has been prioritised like this please?

There is that emotional manipulation.

'Good people care if they upset others or not.'

It only goes one way for some people, doesn't it. It doesn't matter that any other child might be upset at having to use female descriptors and pronouns for a boy. It is poor safeguarding for a child to be trained to deny something that is true to make a schoolmate happy. It could be said that 'good people' don't put that burden on children.

Absolutely.

This is the responsibility of adults.

Telling children they can change sex is a lie.

Demanding other children to also lie about this is abuse.

It needs to stop.

(It is not the same as politely ignoring that a kid is overweight. It is like demanding that a kid refers to an overweight kid as slim in all conversations. Ridiculous.)

In Ireland in 2025 with no plage no famine no war or death trotting about good children dont tell lies.

So why has the OPs 7 year old got to care about the other childs feeling?

Thank you. That's a really good way to go about it and I will definitely try this approach if I have to deal with it. I agree, if I seem to entrenched in my views they won't even listen so your point is great.

I actually do care about the child being lied to.

I think it's vastly more upsetting for Richie Herron waking up after having his genitals removed by those 'so bloody kind' crew than to the child who is told no, you can't change sex, but dress as you like, you're wonderful as you are.

Good people care if they realise that not upsetting people is not the main goal. Keeping children safe from irreversible and horrendous harm is much more important.

Even more so Betty, it is like having to refer to that child as being too thin any time they referred to them.

It is expecting the child to directly lie to keep someone happy. For how many people per day should a child be expected, emotionally manipulated, to do this? Why is this acceptable?

I remember when the TRAs had a meltdown because someone with Down's Syndrome used sex-based pronouns for a trans identified person. The trans identified person then went online and moaned about how awful this was. The TRAs made it quite clear that having a disability that might make it challenging to use wrong-sex pronouns was not an acceptable excuse.

That was the day that my final fuck died. No-one should be forced to go along with this lie. The more people say 'no' the easier it will be for people with disablilities that make that kind of pretence really hard.

So there we go, Sugar. I care alot about people with disabilites and I don't want them to be piled on by TRAs.

Pretending that men can become women is an appalling development for society.

Anyone who cares for women would not be advocating for this nonsense.

Yes it is.

Anyone, now, with a child of that age 'identifying as trans', should be looking either at their own behaviour or what the hell is going on around them.

Anyone celebrating it, defending it or seeking other children to agree with it should be facing significant scrutiny.

Kids can think they are girls, boys, fire engines, Pokémon, cats, unicorns whatever. Cute, who cares.

As parents, we should also be equipped with saying no when appropriate.

And knowing that saying 'no, you aren't actually a fire engine' isn't bloody unkind.

As an aside - absolutely this. Gender ideology and the bullying trans activists have done so much harm to the interests of disabled people.

Some of the vast sums of money sucked up by GI will have been diverted away from improving provision and support for the disabled. Who remembers the many rainbow wrapped trains for Pride month while accessibility for trains remains woeful?

Also the autism charities co opted into working against the interests of autistic people and promoting GI to a vulnerable audience who often view it as a simple explanation for their feelings. Until they realise it isn’t. But they have already harmed themselves.

Then there is the direct bullying of vulnerable disabled people as you mention. There are so many examples.

Mmn.

Is this a lovely universal value applied equally to all, or is this putting a nice modern pretty gloss on the coercion, high demand, privilege and bullying going on underneath? A bit of marketing manipulation?

Who exactly has to do the thinking about and caring for others?

When those with the TQ+ identity are the ones worrying about and carefully stepping around others' feelings to be able to speak their own perceptions and 'truth' and 'live authentically', and they are being 'kind' to those uncomfortable or unable to indulge and enable someone else's personal reality, and they are the ones worrying about caring about those who believe in biological reality and ensuring they can say so freely? Then I might believe this.

Otherwise it is a fantastically cynical thing that destroys any lingering good values and makes nonsense of them. 'Be kind' is just a fig leaf over 'obey your betters' when it is used to force compliance, and when you unpick it further it is largely about relying on those with a social conscience and empathy to enable those who feel entitled to not have to bother with it.

Is it being a 'good person' to be an enabler?

“Is it being a 'good person' to be an enabler?”

I think this exactly what people who are prioritising what is effectively one child’s demands to have their belief affirmed over anyone else.

I believe that some people fully support children being a support resource for others. Once you see this, you cannot mistake it.

Agree. Compelled speech. Doesn’t the school want children to learn to tell the truth?