How to talk about 'trans-girl' in my son's class.

[user1471471849]

Hello,

My son is 7 and there is a 6 year old trans-girl (aka a boy who identifies as a girl) in his school. It's a small school so everyone interacts with each other a lot. When the boy first socially transitioned and started wearing girls clothes and changed their name it was hard to know how to explain this to my son. He's a clever guy who asks hard questions and he was confused about what was going on. I went with the line that the child is a boy but is confused and feels he's a girl and not to bring it up to avoid arguments or hurt feelings.
Just to be clear, I don't agree with the parents' choice to socially transition such a young kid, I feel the kid is being pushed into this.. But it's not my place to say and I'm conscious of the poor kid's mental health and not wanting to make his life harder. To me, sex is binary and immutable but I knew that I'd eventually run into problems. Unfortunately, my son doesn't get on well with this kid and has made comments about him really being a boy. So we were called into the principal's office today saying the boy (or girl in the child's mind) is transgender and is a girl now. I explained what I'd told my son- that the child is biologically a boy but is confused and feels he's a girl and to not bring it up. I also said I wasn't willing to lie to my child and say that you can change sex and I got the impression that they agreed but said it's the school policy ( here and nationwide- in Ireland) to accept this.

Obviously, we don't want our son to be upsetting anyone so we'll make sure he knows to be very mindful of people's feelings but it's such a hard road to navigate (being truthful with him and trying to make sure he doesn't upset the child by passing on his thoughts on the matter- it's not a nice situation for anyone). I know we're going to come up against this again. The parents haven't said anything to us but I reckon it's only a matter of time.
If anyone has any advice on how I could manage this situation better please let me know.

Thanks.

There's no need for you to do any more than you've already done, at this point. They're both young children, and saying anything stronger than you've already said could complicate things for your DC. . This is a very febrile subject and your son is much too young to navigate it.

Stick to what you've said, and just remind your son that it's something that he needs to leave alone. He may not like the other boy, but just as with any other person he doesn't like, he shouldn't be unkind or criticise him to others.

I'm afraid that in this case, he needs to follow the school rule on it. He's too young to do otherwise.

Teasing and bullying is wrong as you rightly pick up on. However compelled speech is worse.

Your son is as entitled to an opinion as anyone else, legally and ethically. If he does not think this trans identified boy is actually a girl, he does not have to say so. ever.

I think the approach you are taking is the one I would take also. Ultimately all you can do is try to ensure your son knows it isn't nice to be mean to anyone (not just this poor boy) and by using anything as an insult (even the truth) he is being mean. In the same way as telling someone they are fat would be considered mean or commenting on their big eats etc.

I would also clarify with the school what their policy is and how this works with young children struggling with language or children with Nd who struggle to maintain a fiction. Will the school punish children who make a mistake? Will they force children to lie?

Less relevant for you, but any girl mums may have concerns about the future and the toilet/changing room issue once the kids get to 8-10 years. Worth checking school policy about that too.

It's a difficult one. Obviously as you're in Ireland your beliefs aren't protected under the law as they are in the UK. I think the best thing is if your son stays out of this child's way as far as possible. It's unfortunate that he probably has to refer to him as "she" if he wants to stay out of trouble.

It will be even harder for the parents of the girls in your son's class, who will no doubt be faced with having to put up with this child in their toilets and changing rooms.

Less relevant for you, but any girl mums may have concerns about the future and the toilet/changing room issue once the kids get to 8-10 years. Worth checking school policy about that too.

I know it’s not particularly relevant to this thread but just to add that boys mostly want privacy in the bathroom too.
Also, they are the sex more vulnerable to accusation and decent boys and men will want to protect themselves from any appearance of impropriety. So it’s not just girls and women who want the privacy of single sex bathrooms, for a number of reasons.

I remember reading a post from someone on here whose DH was a senior manager and he was very concerned about using shared bathroom facilities when a young, junior transman (with MH issues) started at work. He didn’t feel it a safe environment to be in from an optics point of view. Also he was simply embarrassed by the situation.

Thanks everyone. I know, I wish my beliefs were protected in law as in the UK. The UK is leading the way on this issue and I think it's only a matter of time before the rest of Europe will have to face up to reality and tackle these difficult questions. It's so hard when you're dealing with the situation on a grassroots level, especially with young kids.

Sorry I know this isn't helpful. But it should be illegal to do this to small children. That child can't possibly understand what's involved in transitioning. This truly seems tantamount to abuse.

Not to mention the confusion for all his peers who are being taught not to accept the evidence of their feelings. I despair of this world sometimes.

Not sure why you said the child was confused, that's not your judgement to make. Why not just say to your child that the other child wishes to be known as a girl and he should respect that

Unfortunately, if adults has suggested to the boy that he can change sex, he is likely to be very confused. #bekind is pretty unkind in these circumstances

Any child who thinks their body is really the opposite sex is by definition confused and mentally very vulnerable.
It's wrong that young children have to face this extreme gaslighting about sex and reality - wanting to change sex should remain an adult issue with children safeguarded through childhood and adolescence from making these choices before they've matured.
But as everyone's pointed out, your son needs protecting from all this and the advice to step away, ignore and not comment is really the only possibility unless changing school is available?

The link is to an article by a clinical psychologist for Transgender Trend detailing the harm being done to primary children by all this

www.transgendertrend.com/childhood-social-transition/

I would just say to the school that my child won’t be lying and that if he doesn’t see the child as a girl, so be it. And then maybe speak to your son and say that maybe he doesn’t need to mention that the child is a boy. But they’re 6 FFS! 6 year olds blurt things out they shouldn’t!

I would say he is a boy but thinks he is a girl and wants to be a girl and dress like a girl. I wouldn't say the child is a girl because that would not be true.

I completely agree. In my opinion this is not being led by the child and it's heartbreaking for me to see him being put in this situation. My son thinks it's all completely ridiculous. We haven't said anything in particular to my son but in his words, he thinks it's stupid that this boy thinks he's a girl 'just because he likes pink'. I can't disagree with him.

Because I don't want to collude in a lie and say that he's now a girl. I'm trying to stay out of it and I think it is truthful to say the child is confused because he obviously is.

Is this a religious school @user1471471849

6? FFS, that should be social services territory.

No, an 'educate together' school- it's no religion.

Because 'respect' is a mutual thing. The child who wishes to be known as someone as the opposite sex has an equal responsibility to respect that other children may not see him as he wants to be seen.

Otherwise, it's not 'respect', it's 'submission'.

Child abuse.

Could you frame it as not picking on people's insecurities? The child is insecure about being a boy. It's true he's a boy - and it isn't wrong to speak the truth, in fact sometimes it's necessary - but some truths are upsetting to some people and there are situations where it's best to be tactful. For instance, if a boy in his class were bad at football, it wouldn't be appropriate or useful to keep telling him that, even though it's true. Likewise if someone isn't clever or attractive. Not ideal though, I wish this awful social contagion would disappear off the face of the earth.

Yes, that's what I've said. And that's essentially what the school have said too. Well, they said their line is that he has a male body but a female brain, which is not exactly the same.

I said to my daughter about her female friend going non binary and isn’t on male and they pronouns and they changed their name 8 times:

you can’t change biological sex
you can change your name
you don’t have to use pronouns

girls can do anything eg be doctors. Boys can do anything

You have the right to a safe female space for girls only

I don't know how the law stands where you are. But on a practical level I'd just treat it the same as he would a really overweight child. He needs to be civil and kind the same as anyone, and not mention that the child is overweight/trans. If the overweight/trans child keeps saying things to him like "do you think I'm fat/a boy?" then I would suggest a stock phrase your child can say to get out of it without lying. "I don't want to talk about it." Or similar.

That's exactly what I would do as an adult in the same situation. Refuse to agree that the man was actually a woman, but just say "I think it's better we don't discuss this and focus on work instead."

At 7 your child is old enough to learn that some things are true, but we don't speak them in order to not hurt feelings. It might also be true that another child has a visible disability or a speech impediment etc. But we wouldn't say that. This can be treated as the same. If your child needs to speak about this other child then they use the child's name, avoiding pronouns.

Are religious schools generally worse do you think @BackToLurk ? I sent this article to our local vicar as governor of the CofE schools here. He hasn't replied as yet. https://thecritic.co.uk/the-c-of-es-anti-bullying-schools-guidance-is-worse-than-ever/