How to talk about 'trans-girl' in my son's class.

[user1471471849]

Hello,

My son is 7 and there is a 6 year old trans-girl (aka a boy who identifies as a girl) in his school. It's a small school so everyone interacts with each other a lot. When the boy first socially transitioned and started wearing girls clothes and changed their name it was hard to know how to explain this to my son. He's a clever guy who asks hard questions and he was confused about what was going on. I went with the line that the child is a boy but is confused and feels he's a girl and not to bring it up to avoid arguments or hurt feelings.
Just to be clear, I don't agree with the parents' choice to socially transition such a young kid, I feel the kid is being pushed into this.. But it's not my place to say and I'm conscious of the poor kid's mental health and not wanting to make his life harder. To me, sex is binary and immutable but I knew that I'd eventually run into problems. Unfortunately, my son doesn't get on well with this kid and has made comments about him really being a boy. So we were called into the principal's office today saying the boy (or girl in the child's mind) is transgender and is a girl now. I explained what I'd told my son- that the child is biologically a boy but is confused and feels he's a girl and to not bring it up. I also said I wasn't willing to lie to my child and say that you can change sex and I got the impression that they agreed but said it's the school policy ( here and nationwide- in Ireland) to accept this.

Obviously, we don't want our son to be upsetting anyone so we'll make sure he knows to be very mindful of people's feelings but it's such a hard road to navigate (being truthful with him and trying to make sure he doesn't upset the child by passing on his thoughts on the matter- it's not a nice situation for anyone). I know we're going to come up against this again. The parents haven't said anything to us but I reckon it's only a matter of time.
If anyone has any advice on how I could manage this situation better please let me know.

Thanks.

You'll get nowhere if it's an Educate Together. Our local primary one is famous locally for its terrible bullying policies where the "in families" get away with murder.
Do you have a nice single sex primary nearby? Moving maybe the only effective option.

Tell your son that there is no such thing as female brain but there is something called brainwashing!

A female brain ??? Could they explain what this is ?

Jesus, are people still doing this shit to children?

No.

There will be a fuckton of incoherent waffle however.

It is no different to telling the child there is definitely a hell in which sinners burn, and that angels guard him while he sleeps. Personal faith-based beliefs taught by adults in position of trust to a child who as unquestioned truths.

Yes, many of us would like to know!

And at 6 years old! For crying out loud.

There's a kid in the year above at my son's school

There's people who work at the school with trans kids.

It's a very good school.

I haven't raised the subject because it's not affecting my son as it's a different year group. I would have got precisely nowhere with it before Cass and the SC and it's a different year group.

If it had been my son's class, it'd have been an issue. I wouldn't be able to associate with the parents. The kid I'd be fine with. Poor kid, who is going to have a shock when he hits puberty and suddenly gets hairy and doesn't have the right bits.

Other options were all worse schools.

What are you supposed to do?

This is very common in Ireland.
Gender woo is the new religion we are all mutely following.....

No idea. I've been closely following gender issues for the last few years (ever since JK Rowling was deemed a 'transphobe' for calmly stating facts) so I feel confident in my position but I dread having to have any kind of discussion about this with people in the school. I'm going to avoid it unless I really have to.

Yes, it may be. but no single sex schools nearby. I'll have to see how it unfolds but will try to get him to avoid the topic and not be drawn into discussion about it. It's crazy to have to have these conversations with a small kid!

Thanks for the thoughtful replies everyone. The whole thing is anxiety-inducing!

Totally agree that the issue isn't whether your son understands, or agrees with the child being trans or not.

The issue is that your son is being mean to a child because he doesn't like them and deliberately going for their most sensitive characteristics. It's bullying. And yes, 6 year olds can be bullies.

I wouldn’t go along with it, why should you? He’s a boy, he knows he’s a boy, the school know he’s a boy, the other children know he’s a boy, if that upsets him then the problem isn’t that he can’t control other people’s thoughts and speech, it’s that he’s pretending to be something he’s not and that is an awful
situation to allow a child to be in. It’s much kinder to help him accept reality.

I'm sure I heard Ireland take a firmer view on biological sex in schools for things like toilets, changing, sport etc. though that may have changed. Won't directly affect your son and he clearly knows the truth about this boy.

No, her “ issue” is that she believes in reality and finds truth to be important.

Forcing a child to be complicit in blatant lying is horrific, I would never lie about basic scientific facts, and wouldn’t ever force my child to, either.

The language is always interesting.

You must be 'respectful' (and play along)
You can't 'interfere' (and must play along)
It's not your place (so play along)

But all of this is one way. The social contract doesn't work like that. It is not 'respectful' to require a young child or indeed anyone to pretend the illusions of another when there is no 'respect' for their autonomy, perceptions and own right to have other recognise their reality and feelings.

It is 'interfering' to require a child to play a game of compelled speech and pretend for another child who is being set as more important and powerful than them and to whom they owe obedience.

'It's not your place' makes it very clear who owes obedience and is lower caste, and may not resist the will of their betters.

If these words are not reciprocal then all you mean by them is 'you must be obedient and submissive and expect nothing in return because this person is higher caste than you and you are lesser than them'. Fuck this, it's not the bloody 1860s, we're not raising children to go and work in service for the privileged, this is wrong. And that's before you even start considering the ethics of enabling a vulnerable child to get lost in this fantasy and believe an entitlement of others indulging and enabling it, and the path ahead of him. It is not 'kind' to keep from this child that other people have rights and perceptions too, and are entirely equal to him in all ways.

Bear in mind too, this awful stuff about 'respect' and so on to enforce compliance is the exact same stuff used to coerce girls into submitting to taking their clothes off and validating boys with their body when those children involved are a few years older than this one. How do you explain to this boy five years down the line that yes you've made everyone pretend to this point but now he's reached a point where you can't make the girls pretend and get in a shower with him because that bit of the pretence is going too far? And all this is about adults acting out their own political hobbyhorses using children.

It is morally and ethically wrong. To put it mildly.

Any boy who is lied to has to deal with the fact they aren't a girl when they hit puberty.

Lining up expectations and social conditioning of others to be out of step with this, is cruel and unkind. It is not in the best interests of that child.

That child is being set up for medicalisation from an age before they can possibly understand the implications. They are in a situation where it is incredibly difficult to detransition. Especially if the parents are fully on woo and everyone else has been woo trained.

It's appalling.

Just because you believe something about someone it doesn't mean you need to say it to them. If there's an overweight child in the class should her or your child go around telling them they're fat? Hey, it's true right, so who cares by your logic.

The crucial difference is that in your scenario the overweight child isn’t expecting the rest of the class to pretend he is thin.

I agree with you, in my opinion it's tantamount to child abuse.
I see your point about the language I'm using but what would you do in my situation? I have agreed with my child that the boy is in fact a boy, but in order to protect the boy's mental health I've suggested he just don't bring it up.

When speaking to the principal I said I wasn't going to lie to my son and say this boy is a girl (the shock on her face, I might as well have pulled a nazi flag out of my sleeve) but to protect his feelings I've advised my son to not mention it. I'm willing to bet my son gets goaded into talking about it. The boy in question is very antagonistic. Interesting that some posters have assumed my son is bullying him just because he is trans, like it makes him automatically a victim.

But back to the point, yes, it's a major worry to see how we are all expected to 'be kind' and shut off all critical faculties to collude in a fantasy for one child. If the parents say anything to me I will be honest. I think that's all I can do. But happy to hear other suggestions, that's why I wrote this message.

I was going to say that ‘Educate Together’ do very much follow a religious ideology. A very damaging, misogynistic, and anti scientific religious ideology.

I suspect the inquiries of the future will wonder how so many were complicit in, or looked the other way, this abuse of children as much as the recent inquiries into the historic sex abuse scandals. The state itself, and TDs/Taoisigh will not be able to wriggle out of taking responsibility, and solely blaming churches this time.

Interesting that some posters have assumed my son is bullying him just because he is trans, like it makes him automatically a victim.

This is the foundation (by design) for a great deal of rhetoric around this issue.

OP I don’t want to say too much on here but I have a lot of experience with this and bringing my (older) kids through ET schools. Feel free to get in touch - you are in for a difficult ride if you don’t follow the script.

Also, it may not be a given that this child will be left to develop naturally and undergo puberty. Ireland are sending such children to ‘clinics’ in Belgium now. After ‘corrective’ medicalisation to such children in the UK was ended.

I must admit, I am aghast that the school claimed that he is a boy below the neck and a girl above the neck. Surely, that would mean he will have to use the boys changing room and toilets when addressing anything below the neck. Any sport played with the body below the neck also would appropriately play on boys teams.

I know, it's appalling,. The thing is I don't shy away from this issue. I've brought it up with a few other parents who just don't really want to talk about it. Well, they agree it's crazy and that the parents should let their kid wear whatever he likes but not tell him he's a girl, change pronouns etc and that it would resolve itself in time. I think that's true and that would have been the approach by sensible parents. I had a falling out with a neighbour because I wouldn't agree with her that TWAW and wouldn't back down on it. I was calm, she was screeching at me that she'd 'never imagined I'd be like this'. I think she knows a few more like minded (to her) people in the school (including those parents) and she's a bit of a gossip so I'd say they know my feelings on the matter. Maybe they're trying to make things so uncomfortable for us that we leave the school, or just don't want to entertain a different opinion, as in a dose of reality. I don't know how her son is going to manage when they're not in every corner of his life. There is a strong contingent of 'be kinders' down there. They are doing the kid no favours.