Parents all onboard with gender woo

[FFSAllTheUserNamesHaveBeenTaken]

My DD has told us she is non-binary and wants to use they/them pronouns. We listened and asked questions, “what does non-binary mean?” She couldn’t explain fully, so I think it’s as much wanting to be part of a tribe and liking similar things as much as anything else. She is also ND. She has chosen a boys name but didn’t talk about wanting to be a boy. We’ve carried on using her real name, she hasn’t said anything, all going fine.
I didn’t really think any more of it so I got a shock when one of her friend’s mum referred to her by her boy name. I guess her friends correct them if they use the wrong name. I don’t want other parents feeling compelled to buy into the pronoun nonsense and affirming things making it more difficult for DD to change her mind at a later date. What is really concerning me is that when I mentioned the name change in a neutral way it was clear they are all fully affirming of gender woo.

I can see why she would want to be non-binary as she doesn’t fit the girly-girl image. I had taken the view that it is probably a phase but hadn’t anticipated all her friends parents supporting it too. There is a lot going on for DD at the moment and her mental health isn’t great, she doesn’t need to be dragged into this but the whole trans thing seems to be a shiny magnet.

How the hell do I help steer DD through this, to be comfortable in her own skin, to apply some critical thinking to see the trans nonsense for what it is?

It’s very tricky OP. How old is she? If she is under 18 it’s your daughter, your rules, and you can contact friends’ parents and ask them to use her real name.
If she’s over 18 there’s nothing you can do in that respect .

How old is she, and how well do you know the other parents? I’d think about gently approaching it with them along the lines of her having a lot going on with her mental health and overriding uncertainty - it’s important that whilst she’s exploring ideas, nothing is pushed onto her to a point she doesn’t feel she can backtrack.

It’s infuriating when your DDs friends get to virtue signal by going along with the illogical gender ideology but even more so when smug parents of friends do the same. Probably secretly believing themselves superior parents.

Does your DD do sports? It can help to ground them in the reality of their physical bodies. Are there any female only activities or conferences or sports that you could do together?

Can you decrease the time spent online? Go outdoors, hiking, camping etc?

Definitely go speak to her school so they don’t social transition her without your knowledge. There are many knowledgeable posters on here about schools responsibility in light of the Cass review. Look up other FWR threads for some of those school ones.

As much as possible you want to be positive about being female (not easy these days) and accepting of reality.

It very likely is a phase but you need to be knowledgeable and sensitive to the reality that this can snowball and your DD to go further down the pathway, encouraged by others. I’d be tempted to try and have calm conversations with those friends parents about the negative outcomes for many gender questioning youth.

How old is your child?

"[...] all going fine."
Head meet sand. Do you have a relationship with your DD?

Do you have inside information about how good or not this specific relationship is, Bobby, or are you assuming a lot based on one single post on the internet and your own bias?

🤨

She is 13.

Yes this is it exactly. She doesn’t like sports and I’ve been trying to get her out and keeping her busy, not least for her mental and physical health. She is home educated due to school not meeting needs, so we spend a lot of time together. When she was in school pre-Cass report, they were very supportive of all things trans unfortunately. I think you are right, need a conversation with the other parents.

If she's non binary why has she changed her name to a boys name? I don't think I'd be talking to other parents (they're just trying to be respectful) I'd be talking to her about not having to abide by gender stereotypes and that it doesn't mean anything apart from that she's a girl that doesn't abide by gender stereotypes.

I would tell her that I support her in anyway that she chooses to to be a girl/woman but that I won't be referring to her as they or them or using a boys name. I'd also be very concerned about what she is doing online and keeping a very close eye on her phone/online activity. Who exactly is she trying to fit in with by doing all this? The daughter of these other woo parents?

Tricky age. I feel like if you fight this she / they will just dig their heels in.

I think speaking with the other parents could massively backfire. It would be a bit like creating an "us and them" situation and push your daughter away.

Ultimately, she's asked for a nickname and the other parents are free to use it if they want to. You can't control that

So my knee jerk reaction was take her out of school for the rest of the term and go camping. Get her in her body, in nature and seeing a bit more of life around. As you home educate I would definitely try to do that. Take her on an adventure.
If her friends are home educated it's likely you know the other parents well enough to speak to them.

I agree with this. A history lesson might be a good idea re feminism and women fighting to gain rights and challenge stereotypes. Even just looking at 80's fashion and women in punk could be fun as well.

Already good advice OP - there are lots of parents with this experience on here. The consensus seems to be to acknowledge what she's saying, ask questions as you've done but to adopt the "that's nice dear" approach rather than getting into a battle over it. And minimise if possible the amount of time she spends "inward looking" by as already suggested getting her off line and involved with everything possible in real life.

Although this is about "transgender" rather than NB, the principles are the same OP

https://www.transgendertrend.com/teenager-says-theyre-transgender/

I wouldn’t assume that the other parents are supportive of her non-binary identify.

One of my children has a trans friend. My DC is fully aware of my GC views and concerns on this topic and while broadly agreeing with me is keen to show compassion to a fairly vulnerable girl.

I use whatever name I’m asked to including nicknames so if your child introduced herself to me as “Dave” (or whatever) I would use it politely.

I will not use incorrect pronouns but would avoid third person pronoun use in the person concerned’s presence.

I would assume that other parents are mostly being polite so as not to upset the apple cart.

I see where you’re coming from with this and you may well be right.

However those of us who know what’s going on here, including the OP, need to take a robust position if we can.

If our daughter was anorexic we would not tolerate other parents agreeing that she needed to watch what she eats. If she had OCD we would not tolerate other parents fuelling her compulsions.

Other parents may be ignorant rather than anything more malign, but just like with other conditions or behaviours our DCs have, we seek to educate others who are in our DCs lives in terms of how best to approach their condition/behaviour.

Leafstamp I agree but I do think that other parents might be waiting to see how the OP approaches it before giving their views.

I disagree with several of my friends and acquaintances parenting approaches but wouldn’t ever say so unless directly asked (and even them would be cautious).

I have been in the position of being asked by a teenager to use a different name/pronouns for them and I knew their parent was unaware of this. I felt very uncomfortable and conflicted but for various reasons wasn't able to speak to the parents about it.
It seems that the child (now adult) is using their birth name again. Not sure about pronouns.
Tricky isn't it OP.

However those of us who know what’s going on here, including the OP, need to take a robust position if we can.

The problem with this is that taking a robust position often encourages others who disagree with you to do the same in opposition. This is particularly true of teenagers.

Tread carefully op.

Your (13-year-old) child has "told" you she is non-binary? Huh?

You asked her what she meant and she couldn't say? That's because it doesn't actually mean anything, OP.

Can't you just do your best to explain? It's really all just nonsense, all that "identity" malarkey, isn't it? Why not just say so, with a smile and a joke?

I really don't see any reason to take any of this stuff at all seriously. OK, a bloke trying to get into women's changing rooms may be a serious matter. But, really, a 13-year-old? "Non-binary"?

Being a parent demands common sense more than anything. That's really all you need. A 13-year-old? Get a grip.

I remember insisting on being called a boy's name for a while when I was a child. It probably lasted a few months and meant nothing more than I thought boys had it better. I agree with @persoe , non binary doesn't mean anything. I'm sure she'll grow out of it.

I would just your DD to explain exactly what this means she ask loads and loads of questions, taking care not to mock her or make her feel belittled.

This is far more likely to encourage her to question it herself than taking a "robust position" and taking other parents to task about using a name she's asked for.

Yes absolutely, it's very easy for triangulation to occur and many people have saviour complexes.

With the name thing, can her actual name be shortened into a nickname that’s more gender ambiguous? Some can’t but if possible (can be middle name too) it’s a much better compromise. Continuing to stick your head in the sand and go against their dislike of their name will not help

There was a meme doing the rounds a few years ago.
"If your parents don't accept you as you are, I'm your mother now". It was shared by a few aquaintances who I'm sure meant well.

The reality would be an adult helping the young person become entrenched in this ideology polishing their halo and maybe even feeling better about some of their own childhood wounds, then most likely buggering off once the shit hits the fan, leaving the loving and sensible parents to pick up the pieces.