Request to share pronouns

[Paulettamcgee]

I feel this question has been asked and answered to death but.....

I've always ignored any request to share my pronouns. I'll introduce my name and role and happily hand over to the next person. I'm fine if someone else wishes to share their pronouns but I do not wish to do so.

I'm very senior at work in an organisation which has a lot of colleagues under the age of 30 ( I think that's relevant as I notice it is younger people who are more keen that pronouns are shared). Generally every introduction in my workplace included sharing pronouns along with your name and role.

I've received some feedback that I should be sharing my pronouns when introducing myself. Especially as a senior leader as it is meaningful for many colleagues and sets the tone for meetings. I don't need to respond to this feedback individually but there is a meeting on Wednesday where it will be expected I share my pronouns when introducing myself. I can foresee not sharing may become problematic.

I don't want to share my pronouns or feel that I have to. I've considered doing it to fit in and make colleagues feel more at ease but I really don't want to. But I also don't want to create an environment where others feel that they can't share theirs.

How do I navigate this?? All help gratefully received.

I'd say "Pronouns are words you choose to refer to me, so take a look and knock yourself out."

I like this! You could also make some vague noises about feeling ‘triggered’ if you really want the EDI types to pay attention.

I think it’s important that senior people who don’t want to share pronouns don’t.

that gives permission to less senior people who don’t want to as well.

im senior and will not share pronouns.

Suggest that you don't feel comfortable until your employer has paid for you to go on a course to understand the issue.

I suspect that also might result in never being asked again. Especially if you explode over the refusal to do so as "putting colleagues at risk".

I have had a long time to prepare my reaction to this eventuality as may be evident. Shame they all seem to be for naught.

If I were in that position, I'd just fudge it a bit and say 'Hi, I'm Dr Glom Nit, I've worked here for X years and I mostly do Y' and look over expectantly at the next person.

If, after that, someone had the nerve to say, 'but what about your pronouns?' I'd say seriously that I don't think anyone should be compelled to share them and that it's analogous with sharing your religion in a work setting.

I would say something like, "this is an inclusive meeting for those who do and do not wish to share pronouns" and hand it over to the next person. I would say that at every meeting that involves a pronoun statement , to give solidarity to your colleagues. No explanation required from you about having none imo. Just repeat that statement if you're pressed on it. Maybe it will catch on?

Trans person here 👋
I wholeheartedly agree with this. Lots of people have made good points in the thread, but if you are looking for a way to respond gently OP, you have my expressed permission to quote me on this:

I am trans, before I came out at work I was always very uncomfortable at being forced to share pronouns, or feeling like there was pressure to do so. Giving the pronouns people would expect felt wrong, but giving the other pronouns or even they/them would draw people to question my gender which I wasn't ready for. So I always appreciated when pronouns were optional, and where it was seen as acceptable not to give them. So there being someone else in the room who didn't share theirs was helpful to me.

The op said pronouns, not preferred pronouns

I have a unisex name. If people communicating with me by email think I'm male, they treat me with much more respect and politeness than they do if they think I'm female.
Not quite the same issue but it does raise a reasonable point about whether I should use "they".

And should non-catholics "just cross themselves" if surrounded by catholics, and non fascists "just put their right arm up" if surrounded by nazis? No one should be railroaded into pretending to believe something they don't. Freedom of belief is a fundamental human right. Only believers in sexist stereotypes (aka gender) have declarable pronouns.

“I don’t subscribe to that ideology”

Thank you all so much for your suggestions.

I think part of my hand wringing here is because I've ignored this comfortably for years. Breezily stated my name and role and passed over to the next person. I think there are a few things that have made me a bit uncomfortable here....

a) I'm really new so trying to get a feel of the place and get to know people.
b) reading some of the internal comms, gender identity is really hardwired into the orgs DNA in a way I couldn't see from the outside.
c) and this is one I haven't spoken out loud even to myself, how much this is testing my personal values. I genuinely am happy for anyone to share their own pronouns if they choose to but I'm not just anti pronouns, I'm anti the concept of gender and the bullshit stereotypes which accompany.

I saw the request in written meeting feedback around what people would like to see differently at a particular meeting. The feedback was shared with me, amongst others, and explicitly called out the leadership team needing to share pronouns. I'm the only person on the leadership team who didn't at that meeting. I'm not sure if anyone will approach me directly. But I can foresee one of two things happening: someone will kindly remind me in a meeting (because every meeting includes intros with pronouns) that I've forgotten to share mine or they'll be a formal complaint to the board stating I do not work in-line with the organisations values.

It's actually an 8 month contract position so I won't be there forever but I'd rather like to leave with my professional reputation in tact and not labelled as phobic.

Thank you. Your insight is appreciated.

What is meant is preferred pronouns, as I think you well know.

And your experience with having a unisex name should tell you why it is a bad idea for women to draw attention to their sex by adding female pronouns to email signatures. That’s been know fact for years, hence sexed titles (Mr, Mrs etc) being dropped from correspondence. So it’s a complete backwards move to add them in.

If you call yourself they everything will think you’re an adolescent. Up to you whether you think that’s a good look in the workplace.

I did and it does 😂😂
Work said we had to attend some training (in a non-pronoun related area) with an external provider. Prior to the session we had to enrol via an online form. Unless you provided pronouns the form wouldn't allow you to proceed to the next section. I contacted HR who contacted the provider who contacted me profusely apologising that their system can't accommodate my needs. I entertained myself with this for a couple of weeks and then, quite mysteriously, the training was postponed. It's been postponed for about a year now.

'I don't have any defined pronouns, I prefer to be known by my name'.

If you have a unisex name this still works.

Could you address it head-on? Either have it as an agenda item to discuss feedback (risky as you end up with a debate you may not want to have), or simply say at the beginning that you are aware of the feedback document, but that as you are aware that some people don’t want to be forced to reveal their pronouns you stance as a leader is that this is an acceptable position to take and in solidarity with those colleagues you too won’t be expressing your pronouns in meetings.

Thanks for the followup thoughts @Paulettamcgee . In those circumstances I think the best statement, if you are challenged, would be ""this is an inclusive meeting for both those who do and those who do not wish to share pronouns, and I'd like to remind everyone that some people aren't ready to share their pronouns and a culture where stating them is forced or expected is just as unhealthy and damaging as one where sharing them is unwelcome."

I can’t take credit for this one but a fellow mumsneter once suggested

”hi I’m xxx and my pronouns are sex based, like my oppression”

Haven't had the guts to use it myself yet.

RareGoalsVerge pretty much nails it.

(It's funny in a way because the pressure to share pronouns is all based on the unspoken assumption that the people being pressured to share aren't trans. They wouldn't try to force someone who was!)

And if that fails, call their bluff and start quoting Forstater.

Their company values are irrelevant if they constructively try and force you out for not complying because they would be acting unlawfully.

I think this is a very effective way to get your point across.

Brilliant, thank you.

Thank you. I've been talking a lot about safety and risk which is a fundamental of my role, so does fit well.

This!

So many responses in this thread miss the very basic point that pronouns don’t belong to individuals to choose or prefer or misuse.

They are words with clear definitions - he (etc) for male people, she (etc) for female people. There’s no choice or preference, because there’s no other third person pronoun for a female person than she (etc).

I find it deeply frustrating that even sex realists keep missing this basic point, that they are still kowtowing to the misuse of language demanded by TRAs.