Request to share pronouns

[Paulettamcgee]

I feel this question has been asked and answered to death but.....

I've always ignored any request to share my pronouns. I'll introduce my name and role and happily hand over to the next person. I'm fine if someone else wishes to share their pronouns but I do not wish to do so.

I'm very senior at work in an organisation which has a lot of colleagues under the age of 30 ( I think that's relevant as I notice it is younger people who are more keen that pronouns are shared). Generally every introduction in my workplace included sharing pronouns along with your name and role.

I've received some feedback that I should be sharing my pronouns when introducing myself. Especially as a senior leader as it is meaningful for many colleagues and sets the tone for meetings. I don't need to respond to this feedback individually but there is a meeting on Wednesday where it will be expected I share my pronouns when introducing myself. I can foresee not sharing may become problematic.

I don't want to share my pronouns or feel that I have to. I've considered doing it to fit in and make colleagues feel more at ease but I really don't want to. But I also don't want to create an environment where others feel that they can't share theirs.

How do I navigate this?? All help gratefully received.

At work we were all invited to include ‘our pronouns’ in our email signatures - I have ignored the request partly because it’s a linguistic nonsense. The pronouns I use about myself are I, me, my - I can’t force other people to refer to me in any prescribed way as I can’t control other people’s perception of me. I would be surprised if someone thought I was male instead of female but not particularly bothered. The pronouns I use when addressing someone else are you and your - she and he are only used when talking about someone in the third person which would be incredibly rude if they’re in the meeting with you 🤷‍♀️

I think it's even more important to create a space where people who don't want to share pronouns don't feel forced to, so your senior position is best used to demonstrate that it's a free choice.

Keep ignoring any request to share pronouns. Don't say anything about it. Make it so that it's fine for anyone else who wants to opt out can do so. If anyone challenges you either publicly or privately, say "forcing people to declare pronouns when they choose not to is totally inappropriate, it's a personal decision and I am absolutely committed to keeping this place safe for anyone who doesn't want to make a declaration on this publicly, so I choose not to in order to communicate to everyone that they have every right to make that choice"

There is no shortage of people willing to demonstrate pronoun-declaration. Your leadership isn't needed there.

I would simply ignore it and introduce yourself by name and role as you normally would.

it is unreasonable to ask you to carry out a practice you don’t believe in to make others feel more comfortable. Nobody would ask you to wear a hijab to make hijabi women feel
more comfortable wearing theirs to work. If people want to follow an ideological belief system they need to put on their big girl/ boy pants and do so without everyone else having to join in.

you say that you are 'very senior' that usually means c-suite / director level.
If so, then part of your role is to set the tone for the business. Society needs businesses to play their role in winding back the damage being caused by all of the lies that have been propagated over the years - pronouns, as has been mentioned many times on here are not a fluffy neutral 'be-kind' thing to do - they are an attempted at compelled language / coercive behaviour to force people into playing that game that believes you can be any sex you wish. Your playing that game is to support the lies being told.

The SC judgement has clarified that we have male and female and that you can not change sex. If I were in the very senior role you have I would be using that to put out a statement along the lines of:

• the SC judgement has confirmed that there are only men and women, and that it is not possible to change sex.
• As an organisation we comply with the law and will be reflecting this in our internal policies
• All staff will be referred to as their natal sex for accuracy.
• For anyone who finds this difficult or distressing then we have made arrangements for time with xyz psychological service who will support you through the challenges associated with accepting the law as confirmed by the SC judgement
• At no point will be accept any form of discrimination in this company on any basis - no favouritism for those who have blue eyes / red hair / large noses / specific religious beliefs etc. - we allow all staff to be as individual as they like, have any legal interest they wish to follow and we celebrate the uniqueness and diversity this brings in our company.

And squash it in its tracks - you can't be sued for being in compliance with the SC judgement - and discrimination doesn't mean what many TRAs claim it does...

Put it to bed for once and for all.

Be difficult, and stand up for what you know to be right. If you as a senior member of this organisation can't do that, what hope is there for the juniors who feel the same way as you do.

Ask can you share your religion instead - it’s another protected characteristic .
‘Im Sarah and I’m a Christian’

I am GC but a coward, I think I'd just say something like:

"Hi I'm Jane Smith, I'm the head of marketing, and you can use whatever pronouns you feel are appropriate"

It's called "gender stereotype threat". Most of it the research is a few years old now. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsp.2014.10.002

This reminds me of when my babies were small and I kept getting told (in the very Catholic country where I live) that I should have them baptised because “if you don’t believe, it’s just water,” (=it does no harm) and it would make catholics/traditionalists more comfortable. It was astonishing to me how these people thought I should be prepared to set aside my own beliefs to accommodate their beliefs.

But she doesn’t want to so why should she ?
How does it make anyone’s day easier?

I'm sorry you are having your time wasted by this absolute bollocks, OP. As a senior professional they should know you have other things to do.

It was once suggested to me that I should also include pronouns in my signatures. I did, adding "It/It/Itself" as my pronoun. I removed it the following day and, unsurprisingly, they never bothered me after that.

In your situation - unless the 'feedback' you received was formal and a direct instruction, I'd do or say nothing that you were not planning to do/say before.

You could say something along the lines of:

" I'm sorry this is just not my thing, but you can use any pronouns for me you feel comfortable with"

“My chromosomes are XX”

No one should feel they have to conform to an unrealistic imposition - with all of its wider implications; and certainly not someone in a senior role. They set the standard. Integrity is important.

"My pronouns are 'She'Ra and He'Man"

What is it you don't get about the purpose of this sub forum?

Bollocks does it cause no harm.

@Paulettamcgee just introduce yourself in the manner which you prefer and don’t even mention pronouns. If anyone challenges you just say you gave no objection to others declaring their pronouns but you don’t wish to and you want to provide visible support to other people who would rather not share their pronouns but feel pressured to do so. Finish by saying you are confident that no one present would want anyone put under pressure to share personal information that they would rather keep private.

I don't have a profound choice. I dont care how people refer to me when I am not around

I have a name, a personality and ibhave never taken my whole self to work

Am I supposed to lie, to invent something? Why? It makes me, and many people I know, deeply uncomfortable when we are told we have to do, say, be something we are not to assuage someone else's choices?

No it doesn't have to be a battle, so people should stop making it into one by trying to make others share their pronouns. The OP doesn't want a battle, otherwise why would she be posting this thread? If she wanted a battle she could just go in and say 'I don't believe in all this pronoun-sharing bollocks. Who wants to make something of it?' She's trying to avoid being pressured into something, but without offending anyone.

People can decide what pronouns they use to refer to themselves. It's not up to them to decide what pronouns anyone else uses to refer to them.

I decide what pronouns I use to refer to someone because it's me that's using them.

In the same way, people can decide to share the pronouns they use to refer to themselves and I can decide not to.

"If someone’s pronouns are not obvious"
If someone's sex is not obvious (never happened to me so far) I'll use their name when referring to them.

Tbh, I actually this this is part of the problem. Everyone tripping over themselves to be 'nice' about it rather than just merely saying 'sorry I don't do pronouns' without the lengthy explanation to justify yourself.

We don't have to justify it. Employers just have to suck it up. Cos it's our legal right to simply say 'no'.

still like the mumsnetter who said “my pronouns are sex-based like my oppression”

Or perhaps go for “I’m a gender agnostic use whatever you like”

I have been waiting - in vain - for the chance to fuck with these idiots.

However, it seems having a plan to deal with it when it happens has acted as some sort of weird talisman to keep that day at bay.

Makes me curious as to whether anyone has ever been able to implement their "when it happens" plans for dealing with all this pronoun bollocks and how it played out ?

It potentially does cause her harm. Please read up on stereotype threat and sociolinguistics.

Just like it might make someone (who is trans) else's day easier, it might make someone (who is gender-critical) else's day harder. Why do you prioritise the trans person' feelings over the gender-critical person's?

Why do you insist on forcing this on people who clearly do not want to do it and minimise their well-founded concerns? You are trying to change something. People never used to announce their pronouns and still mostly don't. So it is you who is creating the battle. Why not just give it a rest?

"Hi I'm Paulettamcgee, head of stuff. I do not wish to share pronouns but please feel free to do so when introducing yourself if you want to."

If anyone questions this, explain that there are lots of reasons why people might not want to share pronouns, and you want to set the example that pronoun sharing is optional as an inclusive senior member of the organisation.

If you have to explain the reasons why someone might not to you can explain that some people will not be out at work with their identity and others might not want to announce pronouns because of their protected beliefs. As an inclusive employer, we should be considerate of all staff.

And then perhaps never mention it again unless you have to.