Non fatal strangulation and choking during sex

[ArabellaScott]

Grim read.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62zwy0nex0o

Breath play? It’s strangulation, at least call it what it is if you advocate for it. It isn’t easy to be safe at all that’s why women have died, not men mind you, just women. Funny that.

Girls and women are sold certain narratives about what is valuable, desirable, and the message is that their sexual capital is their greatest worth.

They may see risky sexual behaviour as a relatively achievable way of gaining status and pleasure and power and self esteem.

Risky behaviour is a form of self harm. I'd encourage anyone practising risky sexual behaviour to look after themselves and maybe think a bit about why they are doing so.

Beggars belief 🙈

People are saying it's generational, not because of any kind of progression or evolving, but because extreme porn is now normalised. The degradation of women in pornography is also normalised.

There was a government survey done on children still at school actually, a few years ago. About anal sex.

Most girls didn't want it, most boys did.

The more disturbing part of it was that when the boys were told that the girls didn't want it and were asked whether it would stop them trying to pressure the girls into doing it, and they said no, it wouldn't stop them.

It’s liberating when a man strangles you is it? I’ve heard it all now 🤦‍♀️

It's not normal in any way. It's men aping things they see in porn and yet another way they want to dominate women and have us accept it.

FUCK. THAT.

It's incredibly sad that this is now accepted as a part of sex.

I'm in my early 50's and no sexual partner I've ever had has ever even suggested it. It literally didn't happen until recent years.

I'm 48 and this has never been a thing with any of the people I've been with. I have had many different male partners over 30 years.

My daughter will be learning about this issue as soon as appropriate.

I'm so very sorry, littl. My heart goes out to you all.

The liberation of women involves strangulation, fisting, pole-dancing, plastic surgery, and anal sex. What a world to pass on to our daughters.

Welcome to our liberated future! Look at what women are free to achieve in our glorious progressive utopia!

There has been concerted effort to normalise castration in the name of sexual gratification. WPATH, the extremely powerful global trans rights organisation, have made statements that eunuchs are a legitimate part of the trans community. A great number of clinics in the US offer nullification surgeries, that is the removal of the testicles, or (less commonly) the penis, or the removal of all external genialia to leave a smooth, 'Ken doll' appearance.
These surgeries are extremely dangerous with high rates of complication, infection, and high rates of regret.

I have spoke about it before arabella. Thank you. Sure he will be out of jail now. Unfortunately

I was aware of the terminology. Thank you for the information and implications.

I agree. I would take ‘vanilla’ sex over this mysogynistic crap any day. I would never respect or be attracted to a man who wants to put his hands round my throat in any context.

It is a good take. I was quite promiscuous when young.....and none of it was ever gratifying, and at worst I look back on it and just feel it was unworthy of me and not in any way 'liberating'. Men will go with almost anyone given the chance and they have far less to lose. And STDs are always a risk.

The best sex has always been in the context of a loving relationship with some I trust. When my daughter was in her twenties she had a boyfriend who was really into pornography and all sorts of weird shit......I told her she had to get out of that situation immediately. It would only escalate and had absolutely nothing to do with love or respect. Thankfully she did.

I want better for my granddaughter. I want her to have self respect and feel she has is worth far more than a quick fuck with someone who inevitably will not be worth it. If you want an orgasm you can masturbate; with no risk or pregnancy, STD's or men who will attempt to choke you or pressure you into painful, damaging anal sex you don't want.

Human bodies (the brain ) will shut down non essential functions and redirect resources when it detect danger from loss of oxygen.
Anything which short circuits the brain can put it into panic mode so fight or flight response can be to ignore pain or any negitive feed back which risks survival and the body will try boost any chemicals which help the body react which may result in sensitivity to external sensitivity to stimuli. (Eg adrenaline junkie )

@ArabellaScott what on earth is wrong with anal sex between two consenting adults that enjoy it?! Where do you draw the line? What do you class as acceptable and liberating? Surely that is down to the woman having sex to decide for herself.

I think you’re getting confused between a man telling a woman she must do this for his sexual gratification and a woman deciding on her own accord that is what she wants to do. These are two different things.

Blimey, me too!

How deeply sad that some young women are clamouring to tell us how they enjoy men brutalising them during sex. How are we ever going to make any headway with VAWG when these women have been conned into believing that they’re liberated by accepting violence from porn addled men. I suppose they think it isn’t violence if they agree to it. Unfortunately it really is, and I’m guessing the need to escalate it in order to continue getting the thrill from it will mean we’ll see more dead women. Absolutely heartbreaking.

Yes, there clearly is.......even when I had casual sex when young the idea that choking and anal sex might be the norm was simply not a thing, thank goodness!

Well said. It is grim that people put “getting off” above the safety of women and girls.

Actually I think asphyxiation is better term. Some of the acts involved aren't exactly strangulation, or the word doesn't seem quite accurate.

I don't mean to be insensitive here, just trying to describe accurately.

Cutting off blood supply can be a finger against the artery.

Asphyxiation describes the act but also encompasses the motivation- cutting off oxygen supply to the brain. That's what makes you light headed. That's what makes you high. That's what is dangerous and risky and harmful. And illegal.

Asphyxiation covers both violent strangling and suffocation and throat gripping and less aggressive pressure on the artery or windpipe in the context of seeking to enhance sexual pleasure.

Motivations may involve BDSM powerplay or aping porn, or seeking altered states through loss of oxygen to the brain, or mistaken ideas about what is expected or pleasurable, or miscommunication, or aggression or sadism or abuse. Or a mix of some or all of these things.

It all has the same effects, and ultimately the same risks.

The reluctance of people to express their desires or to share their experience really limits sexual enjoyment and can encourage unwelcome practices.

If you can't tell your partner what you like and what you don't, how are they going to know? You need to be able to talk about these things before and after sex - and also in the moment, because our feelings change. At this particular moment I really want it slow, but in 5 minutes I might want it fast. Or, right now I want a rough fuck and tomorrow I might want a long, leisurely intimate session. If you don't express these feelings, then what chance does your partner have of exciting you? It's just random!

If they do something you don't like, stop them, ffs. It's not like you're insulting their manhood, it's like you're saying 'I don't like broccoli'. Most people find their partner's excitement the most exciting thing. Telling them how to do it (and how not to fuck it up) should be a great conversation. Saying 'I really find that when you put your hand on my throat it just kills it for me, but when you run your nails down my back I just love it' allows them to feel great and that they can please you and be a better lover. It's such a good conversation to have if you can have it in an intimate sharing way that doesn't threaten anybody's ego.

Sex is a really complex and dynamic thing. People like different things; we here on MN plenty of women saying how much they like receiving oral sex and others saying they hate it. You'll never know your partner's triggers (good and bad) unless you talk about them. None of us are mind readers

And when you talk, you really really need to be honest. Don't put up with shit you don't like because you feel that you're weird. We're all bloody weird; own it

I think the problem is that both sides are trained by porn to find this sexually stimulating. You wonder where it will end tbh.

There was an exchange upthread where @1369682a talked about the hookup where a man sat on her, put his penis in her mouth and then his hand on her throat. There was a response 'I'd have bitten his penis'. 1369 seemed to accept this and said that she'd frozen.

I think if someone hugely stronger than you has total control of your breathing and body movements, you in fact would NOT attempt to bite his penis and freezing was the only realistic response. You had absolutely no idea how he would respond to physical pain and in fact it was quite realistic that he would have killed you in that event. So don't for a minute think you should have done anything.

I've no doubt that women can learn to find being strangled arousing, we're all human and the porn environment or sexual images affect us all. I do find it frustrating that the 'I ask for it and love it' posters don't acknowledge the very specific safety issues with THIS sexual practice, different from almost any other. If you Google Dan Savage's column on safe strangling you will see some advice based in a very kink-positive framework if that would help to start accepting that you are taking risks that few would think reasonable, which is why it is illegal. His advice is exactly the same - there's no safe way to strangle or be strangled.

No, I'm not confused.

Consent is a very interesting subject, and can get quite deep and complex when one looks into it.

But I can see that you're defensive and think I'm attacking you. It's the opposite, in fact, but I guess we have to all learn for ourselves. Wishing you well.