I think I'm becoming transphobic

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

I feel unpleasant writing this but I need to put it down somewhere. I know trans people, I have no problem with them and I've always said TWAW. But recently, especially in light of the Sandie Pegge, Beth Upton case my views are changing. I don't have a problem with people wearing what they want, I'm even fine with pronouns.

But I'm starting to believe that you cannot change sex. All the surgery and hormones in the world will not make you a woman. Saying 'I'm a woman' doesn't make it so.

What's worse is that my 15 year old stepdaughter is identifying as male and I just find myself getting so frustrated whenever they refer to themselves as 'a dude'.

Am I transphobic or just realistic? How can I come to terms with my feelings as they are evolving?

You're pro-women's safety, privacy and dignity, not transphobic. They're different things.

First response nails it.

You’re a sex realist. Humans can’t change sex.

Transwomen aren't women, they're men. Thats not transphobic.

You won't be the only person to be peaked by the Sandie Peggie case. Every day the number of people supporting trans rights over women's rights shrinks, this is a good thing, not a bad thing.

Don't let them tell you you're transphobic. You don't hate trans people. You want equal rights for trans people. You want trans people to live with the same respect and dignity as anyone else however they identify or present themselves to the world.

But you're damn right they can't change sex.

Not all trans people believe in gender identities. Not believing in GI does not make you transphobic. I don't believe in any God but still get on fine with religious friends. That word is used and overused to guilt trip people into shutting up about their concerns.

Well woman is a sex, not an identity, and no one can change sex.

Many of us used to be where you were. Then you start to realise the real world implications of TWAW, and you start to think, ‘hey, hang on’.

If only Stonewall et al had focused on getting men to accept TW in their spaces, all of this could have been avoided…

Well yes. According to the loudest voices, you are now a terf. This was how I found out that I'm one.
I naively thought that wanting everyone to be safe to be who they want, wear what they want, not get beaten up in the street for looking different, and have safe spaces meant that I was on the side of trans people.
Turns out that wanting the same safety for women too meant that I'm a trans-hating witch.
Who knew!

There's a world of difference between transphobic and worried about women's rights and safety.
Us all being called terfs when we express concern is just the new wave of trying to keep women down. I think that's why so many women are annoyed- Dan from down the road can become Danielle and use whatever women's desired but if Jessica down the road who was always Jessica expresses concern about who can use her female changing rooms at her gym where she's in a state of undress and vulnerable she's a massive terf.

I do not see how it can ever be any kind of phobic to be aware of and/or to state actual facts.

This kind of thinking is exactly what contributed to the Rotherham scandal. People knew - factually / girls were being abused. But they were to scared of being labelled “phobic” or racist so did nothing.

But I'm starting to believe that you cannot change sex. All the surgery and hormones in the world will not make you a woman. Saying 'I'm a woman' doesn't make it so

Why do you think observing reality makes you transphobic?

The problem here is the conflation of sex and gender. Gender reassignment which is the legal term is not the same as sex which is a separate legal term.

You are recognising the actual law.

You can't change sex. You can choose to change your choice of gender stereotypes. This shouldn't be controversial to say because that's the reality.

The issue is the failure of others to recognise this. That's just old fashioned sexism.

I want gender non conforming people to live safely and to dress as they please. But I also expect respect of the issues that affect women and believe that we are worthy of safeguarding from harm. I don't believe women should have informed consent removed from them nor have their privacy and dignity withheld to appease male feelings.

Being pro-woman does not equal transphobia. It's a misogynistic slur to suggest otherwise.

Reality and facts are not transphobia.

If you wouldn't want to work with, socialise with or provide whatever services your job entails to a trans person simply because they are trans, that's transphobia. (Though if someone who is trans is also a raging narcisist or unpleasant person you can avoid them for that reason without it being because they are trans)

It is perfectly fine and not transphobic to respectfully believe that physical reality does not change when someone declares a different gender, and that sometimes when things apply differently to men and women that is based on the physical reality of sex rather than the spiritual belief of gender. Sex and gender are two different phenomena and gender is a belief system that no one is obliged to agree with, any more than anyone is obliged to venerate Mohammed as a prophet of Allah. It's perfectly possible to be respectful without sharing the belief.

Everything is transphobic from covid as it kills transwomen at the same rate as all other men rather than women (yes I actually saw TRAs claim that) right through to saying women (adult human females) have rights too.
When you claim everything's transphobic nothing is as it becomes meaningless.
Welcome to the dark side where we actually want 3rd spaces so everyone can be safe

You’re definitely not transphobic, you are realistic and believe in facts. This insidious ideology is harming young people, many of whom are autistic/neurodivergent girls, who are being butchered and put on unnecessary ‘medical’ pathways.
Women who speak up are aware of the very real differences between men and women and a man putting on a dress doesn’t change that.

You are realistic, and it's sad that you even have to question yourself over your thoughts, which in my experience of life, 99% of sensible, educated, well balanced adults would agree with.

“But I'm starting to believe that you cannot change sex. All the surgery and hormones in the world will not make you a woman. Saying 'I'm a woman' doesn't make it so.”

In what way did you think people could change sex prior to this OP? What had you read or heard that convinced you that any person could change sex?

You’re not transphobic. It’s just the truth that people cannot change sex and there’s so much manipulation and control in trans activism, plus extreme misogyny.

I'm with Helle, what made you think people could change sex in the first place?

Then you might be able to unpick why you are uncomfortable with the reality that it is and always was impossible.

Not believing humans can change sex isn't transphobic. Its the truth.

Sandie Peggie and the incredibly self absorbed Upton have really shone the light on the real consequences of pretending you can change sex, for women.

They're also shining light on the institutional capture of our nhs, our police, etc.

Male police officers with a grc can strip search a female of any age. Sexual assault, legally mandated by a piece of paper. No surgery required, just a promise to "live as a woman".

Your teenage stepchild could be strip searched by a male. She may find herself caring about her own sex at that point.

I think of it being more Trans-atheist. I don't believe the concept really exists. You are male or female. Everyone experiences being male or female and your way of experiencing male might be similar to my way of experiencing female but the sex is defined either way.

Incredibly disingenuous post. You know perfectly well no-one here is going to say you are transphobic.

So what? Perhaps she wants to hear people's opinions. She's got a 15 year old stepdaughter, people on here have been through the same, they can offer support.

Incredibly disingenuous post. You know perfectly well no-one here is going to say you are transphobic.

She isn't transphobic though, is she?

I had a conversation with a friend recently - she was very keen to point out she wasn't transphobic and you can be born in the wrong body, it's good to use preferred pronouns etc. Ten minutes later she was saying she wouldn't give drugs to a child, used male pronouns on IT systems at work to prevent sexism, and didn't want men to change in a female changing room. So, is that "transphobic lite" or just fucking sensible???

Oh I'm sorry, how should I have worded it? I came here seeking validation for my opinions because they don't sit comfortably with me at the moment. It feels like transphobia because if you express any doubts about mens' rights to be a woman you seem to get called a terf. My brother is very pro-trans and I know he'd call me transphobic if we discussed this. I need the strength to stand up for my beliefs and not be browbeaten. I was hoping for that, not to be called ingenious.

Also DSD goes into the male bathrooms when out - this makes me incredibly uncomfortable but DH doesn't seem concerned.

Re what did I believe about changing sex? I guess I thought we should live and let live and let people be whatever they identified with, and never really considered the biology of it. Now I don't think that. There's much more to being a woman (or man) than genitals and hormones. It's much more complex. But if asked to describe what makes me a woman? That is something id struggle to define.

Understanding biological reality is not transphobic.

Refusing to prioritise the wants and needs of one group of people above the wants and needs of another group of people at all times and in all situations is not transphobic

Wanting to balance the wants and needs of different people instead of always putting one group first and having a fuck you attitude to others is not transphobic.