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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

My 14 year old daughter has been sharing school changing rooms, including swimming, with a male. The school never told me, or her. What would you do?

358 replies

SernieBanders · 07/02/2025 09:51

I believe this to be a failure of safeguarding and a risk to every female in the school.

I do not believe the school can give consent in any way, all children are under the age of 16, so they cannot either.

The school in question has adopted the Brighton Trans Inclusion Toolkit which actively encourages males and females to share spaces, including sleeping, without any supervision. They also have unisex toilets.

For the record, I believe all gender questioning children should be given full, dignified support for their schooling. However their needs do not supersede safeguarding and dignity of all female pupils.

What would you do? What legislation, guidance, rules would you quote to them? Straight to governors? The police? What?

OP posts:
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DisneyDisneyDisney · 02/03/2025 23:31

FFS - really?????

OutandAboutMum1821 · 03/03/2025 13:10

Remove my daughter and take legal action against the school…disgraceful! So sorry you and your daughter had to go through that.

TightPants · 03/03/2025 16:43

Bravo OP, fantastic letter 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Please keep us updated.

tizc · 03/03/2025 18:00

I have just found out my 13-year-old daughter has 2 biological males getting changed in the girls' changing rooms.
Patcham High School did not talk to the girls or send letters informing the parents of its decision.
So these girls lose their space to get changed away from male gaze and normalise it for later, when they are young women.
The girls already know that they can not speak out, they were not even consulted over the change which showed my daughter her opinion was not sort or mattered.
Strong women across the country feel silenced and shouted down, regularly being called TURF if they dare to say Trans women are not women. So asking our girls to speak out will not work. The mermaid ideology adopted so readily by Brighton council and sold across the country has annexed all freedom of speech. If other parents are in the same position, l think we should try and support each other and find a way to question this madness. I can assure you it wont be easy.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 03/03/2025 18:07

@tizc :
Hopefully as a parent, you feel able to speak out? The OP's letter at 19.10 yesterday contains all the legal aspects that a parent needs to challenge this. It's absolutely clear about the safeguarding risks to all children - both girls as potential victims of voyeurism and indecent exposure and the exposes the boys concerned to accusations of criminal acts.

If parents don't speak out then we 're leaving our daughters unprotected. There's now enough alarm at how girls and women are being forced to undress in front of males for their to be massive support for any challenge.

Snowmanscarf · 03/03/2025 18:09

Any update from the school?

MrsOvertonsWindow · 03/03/2025 18:11

ThePeppyMoose · 02/03/2025 19:10

The op managed to lose access to their email account and they asked me to pop a copy of the complaint letter up and ask for any helpful feedback :) Any feedback at all welcomed!

[Your Name and Address]
[Date]

For the attention of:
Xxxxx, Head of School & Designated Safeguarding Lead
Xxxx School
[School Address]

CC: [Any additional recipients—Chair of Governors, LA Safeguarding Team, etc.]

Subject: Formal Complaint Concerning Safeguarding and Mixed-Sex Changing Facilities

Dear xxxxx,

I write to lodge a formal complaint on safeguarding grounds regarding the school’s stance that students’ use of changing rooms be considered on a “case-by-case” basis. This issue arose when I requested an unequivocal guarantee that no male—regardless of any declared “gender identity”—would be permitted to see females in a state of undress (nor vice versa) on school premises or during any school activity. Your recent response confirms that the school maintains a “case-by-case” approach, which I regard as unacceptable, illegal, and a serious failure of safeguarding.

I set out below the key points underpinning my complaint:

1. Legal and Statutory Obligations

  1. Draft DfE Guidance (Gender Questioning Children, 2023) Page 14 of the consultation document is explicit: “Schools must not allow a child, aged 11 years or older, to change or wash in front of a child of the opposite sex, nor should they be subject to a child of the opposite sex changing or washing in front of them.” This principle is not optional. It directly reflects schools’ statutory duty to provide suitable single-sex changing and washing facilities for pupils 11 and over.
  2. Keeping Children Safe in Education (KCSIE) 2024 This is statutory guidance. Schools must have regard to it when carrying out their duties to safeguard children. KCSIE 2024 acknowledges that, in the majority of cases, “girls are more likely to be victims of sexual violence and sexual harassment and more likely it will be perpetrated by boys.” Allowing boys into girls’ private changing areas fundamentally conflicts with the spirit and letter of this guidance.
  3. Equality Act 2010 and Human Rights Act 1998 • Under the Equality Act 2010, schools may lawfully offer single-sex facilities (and generally must do so from age 8 upwards). Any policy allowing males in female facilities likely constitutes indirect discrimination against female pupils on grounds of sex. • It also risks sexual harassment claims, as set out in sections 26 and 85(3) of the Act. • Further, Article 8 of the Human Rights Act (the right to privacy) is engaged when a girl is compelled to share intimate spaces with someone of the opposite sex—consent cannot override that fundamental right, particularly for minors who cannot meaningfully waive safeguarding protections.

2. The Brighton & Hove Trans Inclusion Toolkit is Unlawful

You referenced receiving advice from the Local Authority. However, Brighton & Hove’s Trans Inclusion Toolkit is widely criticised and legally unsound. As set out in Karon Monaghan KC’s Advice (published by Doyle Clayton Solicitors), this toolkit contravenes the Equality Act 2010 in multiple respects, particularly regarding single-sex changing facilities. Nothing in that toolkit can justify breaching statutory safeguarding duties or placing female pupils in a position where they must undress in the presence of males.

Further, Oxfordshire County Council withdrew its own similar toolkit when challenged in court (see Safe Schools Alliance legal action). The same arguments apply here: you cannot override single-sex protections in changing rooms by simply declaring a “case-by-case” approach. Trans-identifying male pupils remain legally male and cannot share these intimate facilities with female pupils—especially minors—without exposing the school to liability, and more importantly, placing girls at risk.

3. Safeguarding Cannot Be Overridden by “Consent” or “Case-by-Case”

No parent, pupil, or external authority can grant permission for a male to see a female in a state of undress (or vice versa) in your school’s facilities. Children cannot consent to these arrangements, and even if they did, they lack the legal capacity for such consent. As the new DfE draft guidance emphasises, social transition is not a “neutral act” and must never conflict with fundamental safeguarding principles.

Permitting a male to be present when girls are changing constitutes an immediate safeguarding threat to both the girls and, potentially, the male pupil. This arrangement sets the stage for possible indecent exposure, voyeurism, or sexual harassment—offences under criminal law. It further undermines girls’ rights to privacy and dignity, as also highlighted in official government guidance (e.g., Fair Play For Women and Safe Schools Alliance analyses).

4. Harmful Impact on All Children, Including Those Who Are Gender Questioning

I am mindful that some pupils experience gender distress or identify as trans. Naturally, they should receive every support and compassion the school can offer. However, that support must not come at the expense of female pupils’ boundaries or legally required single-sex spaces. In addition, encouraging a child who identifies as trans to believe they may lawfully access the opposite sex’s intimate spaces could set them up for confusion, possible conflict with peers, or even legal jeopardy if accusations of voyeurism or indecent exposure arise. Adopting a “case-by-case” approach fails both sets of pupils.

5. My Required Outcome

This complaint seeks a clear, written assurance from xxxxx School that:

  1. Males of any age or identity status will never use female changing or shower facilities, and vice versa.
  2. The “Brighton & Hove Trans Inclusion Toolkit” will not be used to override statutory safeguarding obligations, nor will it be relied upon to justify or encourage mixed-sex changing of pupils aged 11 or older.
  3. The school will fully comply with the Equality Act 2010, Human Rights Act 1998, KCSIE 2024, and the draft DfE guidance, ensuring that single-sex facilities remain genuinely single sex.
  4. xxxxxx governors recognise their ultimate responsibility for safeguarding all pupils, regardless of external advice that contradicts national law or guidance.

No other outcome is acceptable. Children’s rights to single-sex privacy, dignity, and personal safety cannot be compromised. This is a formal complaint and should be handled via your official complaints procedure. Kindly acknowledge receipt of this letter, confirm it has been escalated appropriately, and provide your written response within a reasonable time frame (often 10–15 working days).

6. Next Steps

Should the school fail to guarantee that male and female children will not be required to share private changing spaces, I will be forced to escalate my concerns, including to governors, the Local Authority’s safeguarding officers, and potentially the Department for Education. It may also become necessary to seek legal remedies if single-sex safeguards continue to be overridden or dismissed.

I wish to emphasise that my overriding concern is the safeguarding and wellbeing of all pupils at xxxxx. I trust the school will recognise the seriousness of this matter and provide the necessary written assurances to restore confidence in its commitment to child protection.

Yours sincerely,

[Your Name]
[Signature if appropriate]
[Contact Information]

Just bumping this excellent complaint to the OP's daughter's school detailing the legal and safeguarding problems that schools are generating when they allow boys to share changing rooms where girls are undressing.

As parents we must support our children by challenging schools doing this.

Maddy70 · 03/03/2025 18:45

Doesn't everyone have seperate cubicles?

MrsOvertonsWindow · 03/03/2025 18:50

Maddy70 · 03/03/2025 18:45

Doesn't everyone have seperate cubicles?

In a school changing rooms? This comment suggests that you're unfamiliar with schools, the UK education system or how girls experience the education system. 🙄

Keeptoiletssafe · 03/03/2025 21:10

Maddy70 · 03/03/2025 18:45

Doesn't everyone have seperate cubicles?

Can I just reiterate the point that completely private cubicles are NOT the way forward in schools as they are a greater safety risk. It’s often thought of as the solution to a problem that shouldn’t happen.

Medical emergencies: There was a successful campaign to get a defibrillator into every secondary school so it well known people collapse and you only have a set amount of time for resus. Private cubicles have a safety mechanism to open the door outwards because it’s known that bodies get in the way of opening the door when people collapse inside. When they feel ill people go to the toilet. Pupils who are spiked and those with conditions such as diabetes, epilepsy, heart conditions are most affected. Floor to door gaps should be big enough that you can see if someone has collapsed inside. Making spaces completely private is dangerous.

Sexual Assaults: A big issue that isn’t discussed, is that more private spaces are being created so there are more opportunities for unwitnessed sexual assaults. The last time I believe it was analysed and discussed at on a nationwide level was 2015/2016 investigated by the BBC then talked about in Parliament. There were 600 rapes reported in schools over a 3 year period. Store cupboards were the places mentioned. Disabled toilets are mentioned in other accounts. Basically a private, locked, mixed sex space. Remember there are only around 190 school days per year and that it was thought these figures were on the low side.

If you look at freedom of information requests you may find some answers on how many sexual offences have occurred in schools near you. You can also look up accounts on Everyone’s Invited.

This is one result (obviously affected by the pandemic) from a FOI to Essex Police September 2017-August 2020:
We searched upon all Sexual Offences recorded whereby the ‘Location Premises Name’ contained any of the following words:
“SCHOOL” “COLLEGE” “ACADEMY”
Offence Type Count
OTHER SEXUAL OFFENCES: 441
RAPE: 59
Grand Total: 500
322 of the suspects were under 18

I tried to find the equivalent FOI in Brighton&Hove but all I found was they were taken to the ICO for not disclosing similar information. I still don’t think it’s been released.

Please don’t take the solution to mixed sex spaces to be private cubicles. The solution is strictly single sex spaces with any cubicles leading off that have gaps so that:

  1. it prevents, as much as possible, assaults happening in the first place and
  1. they provide the greatest chance of a successful outcome when a child collapses inside.

https://publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm201617/cmselect/cmwomeq/91/9105.htm

I hate writing about the sexual assaults. It’s truly horrendous. But it does show you why schools should be safeguarding against this and how naive they are if they don’t.

JanesLittleGirl · 03/03/2025 22:51

Maddy70 · 03/03/2025 18:45

Doesn't everyone have seperate cubicles?

What reality-suspending drugs are you on and where can I get them?

ThePeppyMoose · 04/03/2025 07:51

tizc · 03/03/2025 18:00

I have just found out my 13-year-old daughter has 2 biological males getting changed in the girls' changing rooms.
Patcham High School did not talk to the girls or send letters informing the parents of its decision.
So these girls lose their space to get changed away from male gaze and normalise it for later, when they are young women.
The girls already know that they can not speak out, they were not even consulted over the change which showed my daughter her opinion was not sort or mattered.
Strong women across the country feel silenced and shouted down, regularly being called TURF if they dare to say Trans women are not women. So asking our girls to speak out will not work. The mermaid ideology adopted so readily by Brighton council and sold across the country has annexed all freedom of speech. If other parents are in the same position, l think we should try and support each other and find a way to question this madness. I can assure you it wont be easy.

Please - will you take a copy of the letter above - and send it through to Patcham as an official complaint? Schools in Brighton especially are out of control and people are being hurt.

[email protected]

Put official complaint in the email header - and tell everyone what happens?

Brighton parents really HAVE to step up and be counted or the council will push this dangerous ideology onto our daughters

Won't take 2 minutes!!

tizc · 04/03/2025 08:10

Thank you ThePeppyMoose we will send this in today.

alotgoingonrightnow · 04/03/2025 08:57

Maddy70 · 03/03/2025 18:45

Doesn't everyone have seperate cubicles?

Did you even read the OP?!

ThePeppyMoose · 04/03/2025 09:55

tizc · 04/03/2025 08:10

Thank you ThePeppyMoose we will send this in today.

That would be absolutely incredible and will double the impact - I know for a fact head teachers and senior leadership teams across Brighton speak to each other, the more parents who send in these concerns and complaints the more they will have to take responsibility and look after our children.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 04/03/2025 10:05

ThePeppyMoose · 04/03/2025 09:55

That would be absolutely incredible and will double the impact - I know for a fact head teachers and senior leadership teams across Brighton speak to each other, the more parents who send in these concerns and complaints the more they will have to take responsibility and look after our children.

Very true. This has only got to these insane levels because parents have been silenced - both by their lovely children terrified of being targeted and by extreme transactivist adults who have been allowed to run amok in certain schools.
No school anywhere should have mixed sex changing rooms, showers, toilets or dormitories. The law is there to safeguard children and the OP's letter is perfect to raise a formal complaint against Stonewalled schools who have lost their sense and understanding of what it is to safeguard children from harm and are allowing girls (and boys) to have their privacy, dignity and safety from the opposite sex removed.

Please share the letter widely and encourage parents to use it as a template for their school if children are being treated like this.

thenoisiesttermagant · 04/03/2025 10:14

MrsOvertonsWindow · 04/03/2025 10:05

Very true. This has only got to these insane levels because parents have been silenced - both by their lovely children terrified of being targeted and by extreme transactivist adults who have been allowed to run amok in certain schools.
No school anywhere should have mixed sex changing rooms, showers, toilets or dormitories. The law is there to safeguard children and the OP's letter is perfect to raise a formal complaint against Stonewalled schools who have lost their sense and understanding of what it is to safeguard children from harm and are allowing girls (and boys) to have their privacy, dignity and safety from the opposite sex removed.

Please share the letter widely and encourage parents to use it as a template for their school if children are being treated like this.

100% this.

I note that there are plenty of secondaries who are NOT breaching the legal requirement for single sex toilets and changing. So the children in schools where this is allowed are disadvantaged compared to those schools.

I'd bet good money if anyone looked at the statistics the absence rate for girls in schools with mixed sex toilets will be much higher than where they have single sex. I'm also betting that - if anyone cared to look - academic achievement would be lower. Being gaslit, coerced, compelled to use non-standard English (pronouns) and deemed less important than the boys with girl feelings is not an environment conducive to outstanding academic success.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 04/03/2025 10:52

thenoisiesttermagant · 04/03/2025 10:14

100% this.

I note that there are plenty of secondaries who are NOT breaching the legal requirement for single sex toilets and changing. So the children in schools where this is allowed are disadvantaged compared to those schools.

I'd bet good money if anyone looked at the statistics the absence rate for girls in schools with mixed sex toilets will be much higher than where they have single sex. I'm also betting that - if anyone cared to look - academic achievement would be lower. Being gaslit, coerced, compelled to use non-standard English (pronouns) and deemed less important than the boys with girl feelings is not an environment conducive to outstanding academic success.

Absolutely. Children don't learn if they're stressed, bullied and anxious about their days in school. And yes, hopefully the majority of schools have nothing to do with these toxic beliefs - or are cautiously rolling back their previous nonsense. But with the Unions hopelessly captured and the DfE only starting to unpick the grip that transactivists have had on education policy, it's left to parents to insist that schools comply with the law and safeguard our daughters.

Grammarnut · 04/03/2025 15:10

foodfiend · 07/02/2025 11:01

I'd strongly suggest contacting Safe Schools Alliance.

These wretched toolkits keep resurfacing and won't finally die until there's a proper Judicial Review case that declares their advice to be unlawful. In the meantime, safeguarding is being completely disregarded, children put at risk. Girls' rights to their own boundaries are being eroded, and they're coached to put others' needs before their own.

Edited

Well, that's because we're support humans, isn't it? Not real people (as we do not have a penis). 🙄

Grammarnut · 04/03/2025 15:12

Perfect28 · 07/02/2025 12:15

'i don't trust people with a penis around my daughter, unclothed or not'.

Hang on, are you her dad?
Are you planning on never letting her be around boys or men ever? What happens in town, on the beach, etc etc etc.

You sound ridiculous. Speak to the school, it's not that deep.

You know exactly what he means - that he does not trust young men (however they identify) around his DD in places where she will be vulnerable, changing her clothes, or being partly unclad. Obviously he is not thinking about boyfriends, here.
And he is entirely right to mistrust males in such situations and the school is breaking the law in allowing them to happen as part of school policy. A word with the school? He should go ballistic (because, being a man, he knows what teenage boys are like).

Grammarnut · 04/03/2025 15:18

dovetail22uk · 07/02/2025 12:53

AAAAAH more transphobia and right before the weekend! What a treat. Trans boys are boys, trans girls are girls. I would imagine that any trans kids would use a cubicle because other people can be right tw*ts.

Transgirls are boys and teenage boys are high on hormones, to whit testosterone. They should be nowhere teenage girls who are in any state of undress. That's not transphobia. You are advocating rampant lack of safeguarding of girls.
And I wouldn't risk a girl who ID'd as boy in the boys changing rooms either.

dovetail22uk · 04/03/2025 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Grammarnut · 04/03/2025 15:22

JustAskingThisQ · 07/02/2025 17:44

Because of religious doctrine around modesty and sexuality at a time where they didn't consider homosexuality to be normal or factor it into issues around the such. Then it because a sin/crime and that meant it was further ignored.

People need privacy. Gender is irrelevant. Cubicles for the win.

Women wanted single sex spaces for their safety and privacy and so that they could go into the public sphere without the urine leash. Homosexuality was and is irrelevant, Lesbians don't rape other women. Cubicles with sinks etc are not the answer. Hidden cameras can be put in them, people can lurk in them - unisex changing areas and lavatories account for 90% of assaults on women in such places.

Grammarnut · 04/03/2025 15:29

Missmarymack82 · 07/02/2025 19:39

I just find the comments the op has made about men strange and inappropriate. “men are the problem” etc etc.
we can agree to disagree I guess .

He's a man. He knows men are the problem. Men are the problem.

Grammarnut · 04/03/2025 15:32

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/02/2025 20:03

Surely the issue is HOW this is enabled.

It doesn't automatically have to mean 'throw a boy who wants to be a girl and still has a willy into a no-cubicle girls changing room with communal showers'...

It could mean 'trans pupils can access the changing room of preference ten minutes early, supervised by a teacher' or 'trans pupils can change in the changing room of preference in a private cubicle... supervised by a teacher'...

They need to spell out HOW these things are enabled - I can absolutely see that if you think you're a girl and then you're made to change with the boys, that would be pretty distressing.

But we can surely separate out the 'right to use the changing room of preference' from any percieved 'right to change WITH the other girls because thats what actually makes me feel like a girl'...?

Well, you could do this. It would mean leaving lessons early so that the boy was out of the girls' changing room before girls entered. The girls don't want a boy walking past them while they are changing.