Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

Anyone coming into my house putting on a silly voice in order to caricature women would be asked to leave tout suite.

Oh give over.

If you take the idea that someone is "still the same as they always were and it doesn't change anything" then you absolutely shouldn't change your behaviour to someone if you are totally accepting! This should be the default position.

The entire point is that transition is about demanding a fawning change in behaviour towards someone. And that's where everything falls down.

I've seen it so many times and the hypocrisy is off the scale. It's this whole idea of being the opposite sex and expecting a sexist response in reciprocation. And then being baffled by people who really don't buy into gender stereotypes treating everyone the same and not being sexist!

You cant do right for doing wrong.

And this is the point. When it's theoretical and someone you don't know, it's easy to throw insults about. When it's someone you know in side out and they start with ridiculous expectations it's a difficult ball game.

The smearing of families is appalling and gross.

My son is also part of this cult at Uni OP. It's very distressing and I feel for you.

I have chosen the 'neither confirm nor deny' strategy. I call him love or sweetie or something and avoid using his name (just can't use his 'new' name), DH calls him his old name still. I have reassured him that I love him and will always be there for him but that we find it difficult. We don't really talk about it now. Previously I had expressed my strong GC views, we keep away from any such subjects now. I also find it insulting that they portray a female stereotype. I just pray he won't take any medication and will get bored of it.

I wouldn't cut him off financially. You want him to do his degree and show continued support.

I'm still hoping we come out the other side unscathed. It's been about 18m for us now.

Uni won't be interested, they just change the name per the student's request and get on with it, it is rife!

It's very, very difficult. Be kind to yourself.

Personally, I would not cut them off financially, I would send a message saying 'I'm sorry you didn't feel supported in your transition, we love you and support you in everything you do, and we'll respect your request for space but we're always here if you need us' or words to that effect. You don't want them dropping out of university, because that's just going to cause more and worse issues down the line. ND people are prone to very black-and-white thinking - and are vulnerable in that respect - so maybe your low-key reaction was interpreted as lack of support. I totally appreciate it's difficult to seem supportive of something you're not entirely on board with for a whole plethora of reasons. For me, though, if I was in that situation, despite being gender critical myself, my child's wellbeing and happiness does come first. I'd be concerned about who they were surrounding themselves with and want to keep the lines of communication as open as possible and not inadvertently slam any more doors. I think you need to make them really aware that you're always there to support and lend a sympathetic ear. Good luck, it's a really tough situation to be in.

Remember that at the end of uni their 'support' network at university will disappear pretty damn quickly. They will find outside that bubble things might not be as straightforward as they think.

Of course they can check on a student, don’t be ridiculous. Being an adult doesn’t mean your university (or workplace) don’t have a duty to care for you. This child is acting out of character and isolating themselves from their normal support.

My SIL had a MH crisis while at university and I can assure you they were extremely helpful.

there was a similar post a few years ago, son went to uni and declared himself female. But poster had 2 daughters and none of his behaviour/dress was even similar to them and it was causing lots of issues with them all. They didn’t recognise any of what he was doing as female behaviour and wouldn’t validate him and he wanted special treatment over them?
I don’t know if she ever posted again.

Drop him a message saying you need his bank details to make the next payment of £700 and if he doesn't respond, don't send him anything
He's is acting like a spoilt princess

Unless and until it happens to you that your beloved child does this, you have no authority to comment.

I could ask my highly vulnerable autistic young person to leave 'tout suite'. They would then be homeless and penniless and no less vulnerable. They would also be completely justified in saying I was a nasty transphobe who literally threw them out.

It is very, very easy to lay down a theoretical law like you have. It is totally different knowingly throwing away your relationship with your adult child.

They are not a child if over 18 though. Just because someone isn't responding to their parents, it doesn't mean they are having a mental health crisis. Lots of people on here are have low or no contact with their parents and I am pretty sure they would be outraged if their parents expected their workplaces to get involved.

The attention economy point up thread was very interesting. Whether it's this, only fans, tiktok, whatever, they need to feel special and validated by audiences, even if they don't know them. I find it most odd. And damaging.

They are not a child if over 18 though. Just because someone isn't responding to their parents, it doesn't mean they are having a mental health crisis. Lots of people on here are have low or no contact with their parents and I am pretty sure they would be outraged if their parents expected their workplaces to get involved.

There is such a thing as pastoral care. He is more vulnerable than other young adults because he is autistic.

This sounds as if you’re blaming the OP for all this. Ridiculous. What do you think she should have done with her autistic son when out of the blue he announced he was a girl? Immediately validated it, encouraging him to continue and making it much harder for him to ever row back from it?

OP: I don’t think you should blame yourself in the slightest. Your son is vulnerable but he is an adult. He can’t have it both ways: he needs to understand that he can’t tell you he wants to cut off all contact and still expect you to finance his life. It would be good if you could get a university welfare officer or similar to point this out to him, but I would be wary in case they wholeheartedly support him. Is there another trusted adult, e.g. an uncle/aunt or sensible cousin, who could talk to him?

Have you ever parented an autistic child? You come across as ignorant about how best to deal with the situation, when heart to heart talks, or continually asking about feelings (that the autistic person will have a very hard time actually identifying) and generally making a huge spotlight can be utterly overwhelming and just not possible. Do you really think that a sensitive and awkward autistic young man wants to go clothes shopping with his mum?

Sometimes, quietly not making a fuss IS acceptance. No-one has announced it is “not to be mentioned in this house again”, that is ridiculous.

His mum knows him much better than you.

You're doing really well OP. I would struggle to be as accommodating as fairly GC and cannot stand the attention seeking and demand for validation that often comes with these sorts of announcements...

However, this is your child who you love, I get that.

I suspect the 'no contact' has been egged on by whoever is influencing them most at this point - friends/online/whatever. And your lack of 'glitter/flags/stunning/tears' has been translated to them (by aforementioned influences) as a rejection by you, which they should pre-empt, by rejecting you first.

Whilst I would be very much in your camp of 'Lovey dear, here's a pic of DDog' - that is obviously feeding into the 'rejection' narrative and being used as ammunition against you.

I would be tempted to send something along the lines of:

'Just checking in once again to see if you are okay as you have ignored recent messages. Please can you explain why you think no-contact is the best way? Were you disappointed in our reaction to your news in some way? I had hoped and thought that we'd shown you love and support... Please consider that whilst this may be something you've been coming to terms with for a while, this is new information to us and it will take us time to process. In the meantime, we miss hearing from you and want to remind you that we are here for you always, and our love for you is not diminished in any way.

If however, you are determined that you want to cut ties with us, we will have to accept that. And along with that sad outcome, there are obviously going to be logistics to discuss - financial and practical - so if that's your decision, can you let us know how do you want to go about doing that?'

Are there any legalities re what you pay for your child at Uni?

Course, accommodation, food, necessities Ok.

Fun money I would feel they could now find themselves!

It really is a bloody cheek isn't it "fuck off but still send your money!"

I agree though that cutting them off plays into their hands.

As does continuing to fund them in a way.

Would I be embarrassed if my 6ft3 son put on a "girly(?)" voice & adopted what they perceived to be female mannerisms?

Probably yes.

Would I be hugging them & calling them my brave daughter, probably not!

I feel for you Op.

It's possible that however you reacted would have been wrong.

That is so terrible for you. It sounds like he's been brainwashed almost. As you were clearly being fully supportive.
I really hope you can reach out and explain that you're on his/her side and just want to see them happy. I hope this is just a passing thing (the drop in communication) and they'll realise family is really important. At that age you do want to find your own tribe, but not at the expense of shunning your loving family.

Can I just say, this is not my experience or that of my friends whose autistic children have declared trans identities, of which there are sadly quite a few. Our kids are not seeking attention. They are seeking an answer as to why they don't feel like they fit in. My adult young person has zero interest in rainbow parades or any fuss being made. What he would ideally like is to slip through life being quietly perceived as female, because that is genuinely and honestly what he believes of himself.

I do believe he believes he is female.
I cannot unfortunately suspend my disbelief because I know that he is male. But I also know that it's so bloody easy to sit and pontificate about things that haven't actually happened and the way you would handle them. Faced with the reality of an adult male child wanting to use a female name and wear "female" clothing and alter their voice, what precisely can one do? Without destroying the relationship?

Thank you - this is really similar to how I feel and have acted and it feels very reassuring. I too have been using love or sweetie as I always have. I do find using the new name distressing. Maybe if he'd chosen something more of his era I'd find easier but it feels like I'm calling upstairs to someone who isn't the child I've known for 18 years. I really hope you (and us) come out that other side unscathed.

I think @AnonymousBleep has given some excellent advice, I would follow this.

And what do you think the "pastoral care" will involve if he says he is fine, is communicating with the university and going to lectures?

Every word of this.

I think I’d play devils advocate and send a message saying that you completely support their right to live independently, free from family ties but do need to discuss finances going forward so would appreciate some brief communication when they have time.

The idea that suicide is common among young trans people is very definitely a lie.

www.transgendertrend.com/the-suicide-myth/
What are the facts about suicide and self-harm?
Michael Biggs analysed the Tavistock GIDS and national suicide figures and found that suicide amongst young children in England and Wales is, thankfully, vanishingly rare and there is no evidence that there is a high rate among trans-identified children. In teenagers there are other conditions that carry a higher suicide risk, including anorexia, depression and autism.11 The Samaritans reported this year that suicides among teenage girls and young women between the ages of 10 and 24 have almost doubled in seven years, increasing by 94 per cent since 2012.12 All of these factors may be significant when considering the adolescents who are being referred to the Tavistock GIDS.

There is growing evidence to indicate that suicide after full transition — when people, male and female, have been taking drugs and had sexual reassignment surgery — is on the rise. And who needs to ask why? You've taken the drugs for a few years and your health is suffering as a result because it's not designed for unnecessary testosterone or oestrogen, you've had 'bottom' surgery and now you're incontinent and suffering dreadful UTI's and kidney failure, your neo-vagina smells horrible and keeps trying to close up, you can't achieve an orgasm and no one except some really pervy blokes on the internet wants to be in a relationship with you. This is the reality:

https://x.com/wesyang/status/1881776014013149506

Thank you.

None of us are shoppers. That would be really odd.

Our whole approach to supporting his autistic needs has been quiet acceptance. When he couldn't bear to be in social situations, we just let him not. When he couldn't go for family meals as disliked sitting watching people eat, we just let him not. When he had unusual food needs, I just bought the foods. When he no longer wanted any hugs, I just let him (most of the time). It's not coming from a place of ignoring it - it's the very opposite of accepting him for whatever he wants to be or do. And he should know that based on us meeting his needs this way for a decade!

I have followed the approach that I thought would be easiest for him. Any other option would be worse - questioning him or celebrating him would both distress him. The problem is I think he's determined to feel discriminated against regardless of our actions.