Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

And what do you think the "pastoral care" will involve if he says he is fine, is communicating with the university and going to lectures?

That doesn't mean they shouldn't check in with him at all. As I said, pastoral care is a thing.

I would send him some links to his university support including financial help and then say, you do not want to upset him so will be withdrawing the financial support but are here if he needs to talk. I wouldn’t actually stop paying the accommodation costs straightaway but sounds like he needs to grow up a bit!

I’d be tempted to jump on a train with the dog (if he is fond of the dog), go and visit him and say you and the dog have been missing him. How would he react do you think? I realise this is not without risk of course, but your visiting him is not consistent with rejecting him (which may be the narrative the cult is pushing). What does he think will happen in the holidays do you think?

I think holding off making any decisions hard to reverse is the way to go.
Alleycat gave some good advise.

"They are seeking an answer as to why they don't feel like they fit in."

@GoldVermillion but this is precisely the point. Feeling like you do not fit in is a very standard and pretty much universal feeling during puberty and adolescence. And it carries on at different points throughout our lives. It's part of the human condition. It's how we question our place within our communities and the wider world. What it does not need is to be pathologised and medicalised. We need to teach the younger generations that their feelings are valid whilst making it clear that reality still exists. That this is a rite of passage for the vast majority of us, and it is important to keep questioning why we feel the way we do rather than trying to at best, make people around us uncomfortable, and at worst, put women and girls in additional danger, by trying to change the world based upon our feelings.

I’ve 2 children at Uni, both had transwomen in their housing first term. I was interested just to hear about how these young people’s lives are lived, so as well as asking about others in their housing, I ask after these young people too.
DC one: the transwoman in his housing took a break after one or two terms. Has not returned now as approaching end of 3rd year. My DC, so open and kind just said, “She had so much stress, she needed to take time away”
DC two: the trans woman in his housing left the housing after 1 night. The housing was 12 person mixed halls because she did not want to share a private shower/toilet with a one male student. TW did not want to exit room and be seen going to / from shower or toilet.

I know it’s only two people, but my impression is that the journey is not easy. Perhaps your child is trying to make their life less complicated by cutting out extra stress - and child views you as extra.

Literally, every thing your DC does is now carefully planned, curated and acted through with everyone watching. There is no prospect at this point of your child “ just being themselves without all the effort & trying to present very differently from previous self”

I don’t believe in imaginary things like god or changing sex. I can see how it would be comforting to do so if you can though.

I know! I don't agree with genderism. My vulnerable adult has been sucked in by this pernicious movement and I hate it. I hate the movement. If he was born ten years earlier there's no way he'd be "trans" now. He had no dysphoria in childhood.

However, with an autistic person with black and white thinking trying to work out why they don't do "being male" correctly and stumbling upon this welcoming, neurodivergent online community I completely understand what has happened. He truly believes that he is female because he has been "radicalised".

And now that it has, telling him to pull himself together, get real or get out just isn't going to work. We are dealing with fragile people here. They are not the mouthy TRAs most people on this thread are banging on about. They are vulnerable people.

I haven't read the full thread but I don't agree with cutting financial support at this point.

This will ensure there is no further contact.

I have an autistic son who is not identifying as trans but he doesn't have the emotional maturity in every social situation.

OP take some advice from bodies like Bayswater. I am so sorry you are going through this.

What do you mean by "check in with him"? They might contact him and ask if he is okay but if he says he is and he is going to lectures etc what do you think they would do?

Hello OP.
There is a LGBTQ board for parents of children and adults.
If you wish to ask any specific questions I suggest you post there.
Later today this thread could become very nasty and upsetting. I only picked it up because it was trending.
I have a university student trans DC. Eight years experience. I'm happy to answer a DM or on the other board.

Ok Dear, we'll miss you very much but I understand that you need some time to become independent and your own person. We love you no matter what and if you want to come back you're welcome. Good luck getting your first job, we're super proud of you and don't forget to pay council tax!

Then stop sending money, stop paying his phone contract, everything. He won't starve. Uni wouldn't let him.

I guarantee he will be back with his tail between his legs within a couple of months.

@Balloonhearts this

I suspect a lot of trans people are autistic because of the feeling they are different and don't fit in.
I'm really glad I didn't get any trans influence in my era.. It wasn't a thing, I was a tomboy as a younger child who played games a lot and always thought of myself as more boyish.. Nope I'm just a woman that doesn't fit the mold.

The problem is I think he's determined to feel discriminated against regardless of our actions

I think that’s probably a big part of it. There’s a manufactured hysteria among many trans people, quite unlike the older trans people from my youth. The internet hasn’t helped this because it almost rewards them for being the Most Oppressed.

I definitely wouldn’t cut his money or anything like that. That would be playing right into the hands of his new-found ‘friends’. If he keeps on saying things like you’re embarrassed by him or aren’t treating him right, however infuriating it is, keep totally calm and ask: “I’m sorry you’re feeling that. We’re definitely not embarrassed by you and we’re sorry if we’ve inadvertently hurt you. Can you give some examples so we can try harder?”

That puts the ball in his court, shows you’re being ultra-reasonable, and also makes him think about what his grievances actually are so he’ll hopefully realise they’re unfounded.

I'm sure three weeks feels like forever, but it's not in the grand scheme of things. Do as you are doing, be there and be consistent, don't feed the drama is my advice (as someone who estranged from parents, unfairly for a while in my 20s, it was about external factors and wanting to prove some kind of self-sufficency, as well as a cry for attention). If your child really does want to estrange, I think there is a conversation to be had about expectations and finances.

Oh what a really upsetting situation for you all OP. You mentioned another child? How are they coping with it? I remember another thread a little while ago and one of the siblings was really angry and in distress with the way her elder sibling had started presenting. So I hope they are coping too and wonder if they are in contact still?

it is so easy to say what we would all do in a theoretical situation that has no consequences for us but this is real for you and your family. Try to get some support, keep talking with DH and wider family and support and continue as you are. Kind, supportive and open.Research the subject and keep your head clear. Good luck.

18 year olds can be awfully dramatic whilst still being too immature to recognise the impact their drama has on others.
Your DC is probably just experimenting with a vibe that others are showing: unsupportive family, setting boundaries, standing up for their authentic self etc. and all of those things can be hugely positive in the right circumstances, but it sounds like your DC already has a loving, supportive family and doesn't need the angst they are drumming up.
Try not to worry too much about the no contact as if you have been as kind as you say, and I am sure you have, it will likely end as quickly as it started. Teenagers are a pain!

I just came here to say you sound like an amazing mum and I hope with every fibre of my being that this dangerous mania passes soon - for you and for your vulnerable son and for everyone else affected. It's almost my worst nightmare as a mum. I felt a lump in my throat when I read your bit about 'the name we gave him and lovingly called him for 17 years.' I can feel the emotion in your words and it's exactly, EXACTLY how I would feel. Sending love and strength. It's going to be hard for a bit but I think you sound like you've been the best parent and he will come back to you xxx

A lot of young people question ideas about gender. I know that I did. I hated being forced to fit into feminine stereotypes. Still do. If it had been available to me I think I would have like to be called they/them in those days. It just makes sense to a lot of young people.

While I have so many questions and criticisms about people who call themselves female after living most of their lives as men and really dislike women-only spaces being intruded upon; while I also recognise that it must be devastating to be told that a chid you gave birth to has decided they are another gender, I nevertheless find it so disrespectful that their wish to be called she/her or they/them is not respected. We don't have to agree with someone to afford them the common courtesy of using the pronouns they wish to be known by.

What do you mean by "check in with him"? They might contact him and ask if he is okay but if he says he is and he is going to lectures etc what do you think they would do?

I'm not sure why you're so angry about posters having the temerity to make suggestions. It might make him feel like he has support, or alternatively it might backfire. It's a very difficult situation, so there's not really an easy path to take.

What do you think she should do?

I would reply with #2ok, love you, we will always be your parents and you are always welcome in our home" Then stop the money other than the phone contract. He/she has to learn, if he can manage to go off to uni he can understand that there are consequences to his actions and words. Time to let him learn.

"Your child needs you most when you like them least" - this mantra, picked up from someone on mumsnet, got me through some of the more difficult parenting moments.

I'm normally in favour of tough love but at the moment your child is deeply confused and needs to feel the love - so dont cut off the money yet, or the phone. You want him to get through his degree and have the means to support himself in future and you dont want to feed the narrative that you've rejected him. Keep sending messages, even if they are just pictures of the dog. If he doesnt come home for the summer then you can think again. Fill out his student finance forms but dont necessarily pay anything more than your parental contribution.

My young autistic relative declared they were trans before uni and went off to start their life there presenting as the opposite sex. I doubt they deceived anyone. Unfortunately their immediate family went along the affirmation rainbow route. Their health, and the health of their (same sex) trans partner has been badly affected but the family support at the time has probably made it more difficult for them to admit to having been fooled.

Try to keep the door open for them to come back. The cult is increasingly being revealed for what it is and younger people are now seeing it as attention seeking bullshit. Give him time and space.

I'm normally in favour of tough love but at the moment your child is deeply confused and needs to feel the love - so dont cut off the money yet, or the phone. You want him to get through his degree and have the means to support himself in future and you dont want to feed the narrative that you've rejected him. Keep sending messages, even if they are just pictures of the dog. If he doesnt come home for the summer then you can think again. Fill out his student finance forms but dont necessarily pay anything more than your parental contribution.

I think this is good advice.

@crochetedcat you sound like you are doing all the right things. You can only come at this with compassion and love. Personally I wouldn't cut finances off, but as you approach each holiday ask if they are planning on coming home, and as you near the end of the academic year ask what their plans are so you can budget. They have to at least engage with you on finances. But after graduation I would be firmly anticipating them being independent and starting to make noises about this ahead of time.

In the meantime, just leave the door open and keep checking in. Our trans relative has osicllated a lot - it is a huge decision and a really tough one to navigate and I don't think people realise this until they are part way through the process.