Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

I'm generalising and I kind of don't care - there's something about some Autistic guys (PDA) where when you double down they're going to double down ten times harder. Because of that, you can feel at the mercy of their beliefs and know challenges will just end badly.

I think being nonchalant is the only way like OP is doing. You cannot do a single thing more. And if it's difficult to say 'she' then that's understandable. Especially with a beard for goodness sake.

Pulling financial support or falling over one self to acknowledge his new she ness is not a good idea imo. OP will be dealing with the fall out so nothing more really can she do. I'd personally not want them to fall out of Uni.

(That wonderful trans lady article - referenced earlier; if she took her own life, she was always going to take her life. Being Autistic or ND I'm going to guess would be the primary struggle for this trans lady imo. The trans aspect only made that existence harder. Obviously, not their fault at all. )

I have an autistic teen and some similar issues. They are younger though so living at home.

I would almost guarantee that the suggestion to cut you off has come from a new friend or group of friends. One of the most difficult parts of the trans issue seems to be the influences from others and disturbing trend to try and alienate the child from their family. We had this from a teacher can you believe. We were described as non supportive when our approach, like yours, was to take a neutral, non criticising but non affirming approach. It caused a very damaging rift for a while and it felt like our child was being groomed.

I feel your child needs to know you love them and will always be there for them. I also think though that they need a bit of a reality check in terms of their actions and consequences. They can't announce you have been cut off but still expect you to fund them. Yes they will be emotionally and socially younger than their peers but even a much younger child would understand you can't just take in a relationship.

I'd message and say you love them and will always be there for them. You very much want to stay in contact and are terribly sad that you haven't spoken recently. If they do want to cut off contact though you understand you can't stop them doing this but could they please let you know what arrangements they are putting in place for living arrangements during University holidays and covering their financial costs going forward so that you know they have managed to organise this before contact stops.

It should at least give them something to think about. Whether you do stop finances is up to you but I do think your child needs to be reminded that you are currently bankrolling them.

Oh right, I see. I haven’t seen UC very much recently so although I’ve seen plenty of non-gender-stereotypical contestants I haven’t heard any of them declaring their pronouns or anything. I was just pointing out that the PP’s apparent assumptions based on appearance were somewhat hypocritical.

How rude are you?
Knuckle draggers. It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable you know.
You're well and truly reading the Script aren't you? You are quoting nonsense. Most vulnerable my Aunt Sally.

I find his portrayal of 'woman' really upsetting. It's certainly the opposite of what myself and his sister portray. Maybe that's it - he wants to be different. I find it insulting.

I fully understand. It's a caricature, they're not women and they don't know how to be one.

Suicide rates in trans youth are so high because of the lack of support.

Can you provide statistics for suicide in trans youth in the UK please?

But they are not. The right thing to do was not to change name or pronouns and to face up to his being influenced by gender woo. Autistic people are much more likely to fall for this guff because it centres them, and they find social situations difficult. No, right from the start with explanations as to why OP was not accepting this nonsense would have been more helpful. Trans IDs are imaginary and eventually destructive.

TBF it is just as obvious on a radio programme what sex someone is.

YY, but they wouldn't necessarily know any given man with an obvious male voice claimed to be a "woman" at all.

This feels like very very good advice.

I do think that children with autism are often “younger” than their peers and in the same way you wouldn’t stop feeding a NT 14 year old who said their were cutting contact I don’t think that you should stop supporting your son.

Id lean in to the contact which you do have, put some gentle boundaries in place as pp suggested ( I need to see the flat before I can co-sign etc), and maybe book a good family weekend away in the easter holiday which he can be included in if he wishes.

Your continual politicising and whiny, hand-wringing derailing of a thread where a distressed mother has come for advice about her relationship with a child she clearly loves and wishes to support is ironic.

Instead of using this as an opportunity to foster understanding and offering any genuine perspective, you’re resorting to blatant lies, biological misinformation, accusations of bigotry and histrionic tributes.

From everything you’ve said you also have a fundamental misconception of the position of many of the women who post on these boards - which is not to deny the rights of trans people to live happy and fulfilled lives under the protection of the law (which they already have under the Equality Act) but rather to safeguard the hard-won rights of the 51% of the population whose existing protections are threatened by the proposed system of non-certified self ID and the erasure of the legal and biological definition of Woman.

You make it very easy to see why a sensible and rational discourse on any of this is nigh on impossible.

But they are not. The right thing to do was not to change name or pronouns and to face up to his being influenced by gender woo.

I agree in principle, but I think the "that's nice dear, anyway" approach is sometimes better in practice. He's clearly wanting a self justifying drama to talk to his new mates about. He's too old to have any actual say in what he does. She can't cut these people off like she could with a younger child, he's at university.

This bears hallmarks of tactics that cults use (separating the cult member from their non-cult family).

Agree entirely @StressedLP1

Not sure what pronoun this young person uses, but I think it's possible they are picking up that your nonchalence is not authentic and that you are disgusted at their stereotypical mannerisms, and even possibly misinterpreting that as disgust at them in general.

I think speaking honestly about your misgivings is the best thing to do - but also keeping on being supportive, because it is also very likely that they are trying to see if you love them by pushing you away really hard. It's not functional, it's not the best thing to do, but lots of toddlers and teens do it. It's an unspoken way of saying 'will you still love me if....'

I'm glad you are continuing the financial support. Those people who are urging you to withdraw it are the sort who prefer to be right than to preserve the relationship. And if your child is 'testing' your love, that will be a massive 'fail' grade.

If there is no contact by the end of the student year, that would be a good time to review financial support, as they may be applying for a student loan as an independent adult rather than as receiving support from you.

Lastly, it might be helpful to look for support somewhere less anti-trans than MN. Gendered Intellingence offers online support groups, for example.

I agree.
You obviously weren’t overjoyed enough to have gained such a stunning, beautiful and brave daughter.

There was one particular day when he dismissed breastfeeding as an exclusively female activity and insisted male born people could do it (with the right drugs).

He's my eldest and I spent hours rooted to the sofa patiently learning how to feed him when he was a newborn. His dismissal of my female experience of birthing and feeding him angered me so much I couldn't stay in the same house as him and walked out after blowing my top. I feel angry now just thinking about it. It's a visceral response.

I think like posters up thread he's got in with an echo chamber that thinks acceptance means a huge fuss and fanfare. It is cult like.

I worry about how vulnerable he is. Might the university help? Would he meet with you?

I know it would be hard but if he refuses to engage with you he can find out how hard it is without any support financial or otherwise.

That's kinda the point isn't it?

It's all about living in a fantasy world.

It's incredibly hard. Ive actually started telling a few people rather than be ashamed of it (the cutting me off bit) and I find it very interesting that people who are fully 'be kind' and TWAW are actually quite horrified and shocked by his behaviour. Clearly they think that 'trans' happens to other kids, that are 'really' trans and not my DS who they've known. If it wasn't so awful it would be fascinating.

This definitely seems to be a common thing. There's a belief that in these scenarios that it's always the trans person that's hard done by, not the other way round. And when people come into people they know well and are accepting people to find themselves in this situation.

Which is why I make of saying what the old advice used to be, the reasoning behind it and reflect on why it's changed.

I also echo comments about looking for a rise and attention. It's fascinating.

I think watching from the outside on this several times now, there is an element of looking for attention and when that doesn't work almost turning up the dial. Theres a desire to almost WANT to be rejected because it sort of adds an element of 'legitimacy' and it allows them to say "we'll look what they've done to me".

Personally I WOULD have the conversation about finances and say "We aren't going to cut you off but you need to have a long hard look at your own hypocrisy of wanting to cut us off but still expecting the benefit of finances. If you are saying you are wanting to be independent of us, perhaps you should examine just how much you mean it. We support you no matter what, so don't try and make out we are the enemy. We are not. We are on your side. You'll find a lot more people in life who claim to be, but really aren't. If you want to be an adult and not involve us, then you need to examine what this means in terms of everything not just what you want to pick and choose".

Basically identify why what he's doing is a pile of self indulgence whilst emphasising the support.

Put the ball in his court for him to make decisions from. Whilst stressing your support. But don't pander to the bullshit cos you aren't going to be any better off for it anyway.

You need to be kind to yourself in all this too. You matter too and there's little you are going to say or do that will 'change minds'.

In breaking cult like thinking the key point that stressed is to do things that get people thinking again. Which is why I think you should talk about the finances because it addresses a big elephant in the room and forces thinking and engagement.

He's not being very kind to you. In fact he's being something of a gigantic overgrown brat in expecting to have his cake and eat it. Keep that in mind.

They can't. It's been debunked by multiple organisations as manipulative bullshit.

OP - carrying on as normal asking about uni etc is not accepting its completely brushing under the carpet.
I can see why they would be upset. Have you offered any emotional or practical support in the form of asking how they are feeling, if they have any future plans, any issues this change has brought up whilst being away at Uni, would they like to go clothes shopping? If not then you have not been supportive and that is why your child is feeling like this. Your child didn’t ask for ‘fanfare’ as you put it, they looked to you for support. Imagine a gay person in the 1980s telling their parents they were gay for it never to be mentioned ‘in this house’ again. That’s what you’ve done. Now saying you’ll cut them off financially is pretty low.

Men cannot begin understand what it is like to be a woman.
They can only imagine.

When XY enter women's sports, with their massive muscular build and strength, and {often} male genitalia it is desperately unfair on women {XX}

Precisely.

I mean, surely if anything, the suicide rates of young people should have plummeted recently from years ago, you know, when all the poor closeted/repressed trans children were offing themselves left right and centre 🤔

I read a really interesting article a few years ago about a man who had transitioned, including having surgery, but then returned to being a man/male. (Not sure how to phrase it!)

He said that looking back and examining his motives and feelings, he was going through various difficulties in his life at the time. He somehow associated being a woman with being all cute and fluffy, meeting other nice ladies for little lunches and gossip, and only having little, cute problems to deal with.

Of course this wasn't the case. His original problems and difficulties where still there. (Shock! Women have grown-up problems too!)

I just wondered if this resonates with you at all regarding your son?

I'm so sorry you're going through this @crochetedcat, it must be incredibly hard.

I've read your replies and I think you are doing the right thing by carrying on as normal. Cutting him off would completely play into the hands of whoever is feeding him this narrative, whereas if you behave in the opposite way, hopefully he'll understand deep down that what his student/internet friends are saying about you just isn't true.

I would continue with communications as normal, perhaps favouring the family WhatsApp group as your preferred method. React as little as possible to his big announcement in the hope that if you haven't taken the bait and turned it into a huge thing, it'll be easier for him to change his direction of travel.

Lastly, it might be helpful to look for support somewhere less anti-trans than MN. Gendered Intellingence offers online support groups, for example.

No one should be going to them for "support".