Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

I agree with the sentiment, whatever you do you are in the wrong.
Our now post university child is rewriting their history about what kind of parents we have always been, saying we never went to parents evenings for example, when I went to all of them, and I have their younger siblings to confirm this too .

We saw a lot of history re-writing in DD1 first year - we barley saw her or had contact - I think some of this was fueled by some family members.

Things turned - she need us for ND assessments - student financial stuff - plus a prolong stay with said relatives - things shifted back. Turned out those gifts and limited contact with us was appreciated if only later on. So I would hang in there - see how things go.

I would send a very honest message saying that you are confused about what it is you have or haven’t done to make him feel this way, that you love him no matter what and want to be in his life. I would say you (as a family) didn’t make a fuss about the trans thing as thought that might be the best approach but are willing to hear how he wants to navigate this as a family. I would also say that if he is intent on cutting contact then it will mean the end of all that comes with it, including his funding.
I don’t believe personally that you have done anything wrong and I would probably react the same way as you if my son was in the same position. However, you might need to play along a bit more if that is what your son needs right now and if that keeps your relationship going then I would consider it worthwhile. He is acting like a brat but at the end of the day, is it really worth losing him over??

I think you’ve done all the right stuff and your instincts sound good . But I wouldn’t be paying for a phone contract! Hes old enough to get a part time job and sort stuff like that himself. I started paying for my phone at 16. If he thinks it’s ok to send his own mother a horrible hurtful message like that on a text I’d just stop the contract and tell him that it’s ending in a month. I’d say you’re happy to pay the uni rent etc until the end of the academic year but if there is to be no contact then obviously you wouldn’t even know who to pay next year so you assume this will be being sorted by him …

I am guessing it won’t be long until he changes his mind. It’s not like the people likely encouraging this will be paying it for him!

Dont let him treat you like a doormat. We don’t need to accept behaviour like this. You could still keep him in the group about the dog etc but if I told my parents I didn’t want contact I wouldn’t dream of asking for money!

How on earth can you tell that UC contestants are trans or gender variant?

Being intersex is as genetically common as being red haired. Many people do not know they are intersex, as they would only learn through specific testing.

This is a lie.

How on earth can you tell that UC contestants are trans or gender variant?

I imagine because it's usually pretty obvious what sex someone is. Odd question. You are aware it's not a radio programme?

Personally I don’t think you have been very supportive and have overstepped his boundaries

I would email him to apologise that his father and you have discussed his request to have nothing to do with you and have realised you have been overstepping his boundaries by texting him

From now on you will honour his wishes and you hope he has a good life and has found a job and place to live during the summer that will replace any financial support and housing you would have given him

I would say that this cut off he has requested has greatly upset you all but you know that going against his requests and ignoring his wishes isn’t what he wants.

If at any point he changes his mind about you being part of his life then your door is always open to become a family again

I would even suggest to the family you start new chat groups

I would then wait to see what he does next

Actions have consequences and words have meaning

A life lesson everyone needs to learn

If people here were to be believed, every trans person is just out for attention and to be seen as a victim. Which is a disgusting example of transphobia. Also blatantly not true. I’m not going to argue with that sort of ignorance, but I will leave you with one example of beautiful trans people influencing and changing the world.

No, @MissDoubleU it was a comment about your hyperbole.

I don't think you made enough of a drama of it all for his liking. You just accepted, didn't question. Kind of rained on his parade really.

So now he's making more a drama in order to meet his needs.

Sorry to be so cynical.

I totally agree @SugarPlumpFairyCakes

This has happened to a family friend. Her daughter had a very free upbringing - totally child led . They were homeschooled then went to a Steiner school. If they decided they didn't want to go in that day they didn't have to. They were not the only child and as far as I know they are not autistic. They are bright and did go to uni, and then, like your child, came home (though during their third year) and out of the blue announced they were trans. The parents were totally accepting, they used the new name and basically welcomed the new identity with open arms. Then this person decided they were against them and didn't understand them and went low contact. I believe by this time they had graduated and were living with their girlfriend. The family is wealthy and there is a trust so money is available to them. They have now had top surgery.
My friend is flummoxed about their child's attitude towards them. They are not a conventional family (having family money has allowed them to pretty much live as they wish, though this doesn't mean ski chalets and champagne but more arty creative ventures and freedom to pursue their passions without worrying about making money). Maybe they didn't act shocked enough or concerned enough or outraged - but how their child would have expected them to when their whole lives have been to accept and facilitate whatever their child wants?
I too suspect they fell in with a certain crowd at uni and, I don't know how else to put it, brainwashed. There had never been any indication of feeling confused or questioning their sex - and it's not like mum and dad were conventional or so busy with their own lives to just not see it. If their child as a youngster had said they wanted to be a boy they would let them dress and act as they wanted to.
I have no answer for you or even any helpful suggestions. Just to let you know that you are not alone in experiencing this; that you are very limited as to what you can do. My friend's child is financially fine. They might not even need to work if careful, but I do think they have a job. My friends have just left the door open 'we love you and are here when you need/want us'. What else can they do? One thing is I don't know their relationship with their younger brother. Perhaps there is someone related to you (or anyone who has been close) who can reach out to your child?

I think you're spot on that if you cut off the financial support, you feed into the narrative in his head/that someone else is generating, that you don't support him/are embarrassed/don't love him etc etc.

I also wouldn't turn up there, that fuels a 'my parents are trying to force me to change' narrative.

Just keep on paying (galling as that is) and sending cat photos and general family news and asking how he is doing and so on.

Basically do the older version of handling the toddler who is packing his bags and leaving home forever because he doesn't want peas for tea... "yes dear thats nice, have you seen this hilarious picture of Tiddles?"

Give him nothing to kick against and he will find something else to direct his ire at. It is likely he is settling into a new group of friends and needs some drama to remain a novelty and this will soon wear off.

They can’t, but the assumption on people’s gender ends up harming the very CIS women they are so adamant they protect. God forbid a woman appear too masculine or, as many women with PCOS do, have a higher testosterone than average.

Oh the cavalry has arrived.

I did not say there were not, I just said they won't be worshipping them.

Yes, sex is almost always completely obvious. My point is that all the pp can tell is that the contestants are not presenting stereotypically as one sex or the other.

This doesn’t mean they are trans/gender variant (whatever the hell that is). What an assumption the PP is making!

Also, apparently, a trans/NB person can dress to fit with the stereotype that accords with their sex yet still be trans/NB.

They can’t, but the assumption on people’s gender ends up harming the very CIS women they are so adamant they protect.

There is no such thing as "cis women". Women means an adult female human being. There aren't two biological sexes of women. Keep your bizarre identity labels to yourself, most women don't identify with your movement.

We've been through similar with DS, it's probably the most stressful thing I've ever dealt with.

He's at uni, his appearance is quite androgynous and he's using a unisex version of his name but he doesn't appear to have done anything about taking hormones which was my biggest worry. We don't discuss it - I couldn't do it without getting upset as he came out with a lot of gender stereotypical bullshit which I couldn't stomach.

We have settled for ignoring it and generally have an amicable and loving relationship where we focus on discussing his course a lot (which is vocational and he's very passionate about).

The Gender Dysphoria Support Network, run by Genspect, has been my lifeline and has connected me to other parents.

Before he left for uni we arranged for counselling with non-affirming therapist who was hugely experienced but DS didn't engage so I don't necessarily think that helps.

To pick up on some points about our support and language used

We have all made a huge effort not to use the name we lovingly gave him and called him for almost 19 years. One family member accidentally called him it and immediately apologised. Anyone with compassion can see that even if you are fully supportive of his choices, it's really hard to basically be told that you have to erase 18 years of memories.

I cannot see a situation where I will use a pronoun in his company. My choice to use he here is for clarity and because we are processing this. This is a thread about our experiences and emotions - which we are allowed to have. We love him and are concerned and of course it's a shock. He is allowed his language use, I am allowed mine.

This is partly (mainly?) because he is 6 ft 3, has stubble, is muscly. He presents very much as a man. Yes we all find it difficult to use she as it's so at odds with what biology is telling us. I find it interesting that even friends who are very supportive of trans people still use 'he' - it's such unusual behaviour compared to the last 18 years that no one quite believes it's long term.

I do not know what we would celebrate and encourage. All that has changed is he has changed his voice and put on some mannerisms and a bit of make up. I don't gush over my daughter wearing make up. It's difficult to celebrate a made up voice, especially when worried that the made up voice will seriously hamper his career in the future. It's not within normal variation of female voices - it's very high pitched and unnatural.

I want him to live his life, be who he wants to be but I now have so many concerns about his future and wellbeing. That's very difficult to celebrate.

I have told him how pleased we are he told us, how we're looking forward to his future and are proud of him. Because we are. But for any other similar situation we'd be expressing concern, worried, trying to get support.

This doesn’t mean they are trans/gender variant (whatever the hell that is). What an assumption the PP is making!

Gender variant means anyone not gender conforming, I think. Of course a man in a twinset and pearls is going to be clocked as "gender variant" in that broad way.

He's at uni, his appearance is quite androgynous and he's using a unisex version of his name but he doesn't appear to have done anything about taking hormones which was my biggest worry. We don't discuss it - I couldn't do it without getting upset as he came out with a lot of gender stereotypical bullshit which I couldn't stomach.

I don't think genderists understand how upsetting the sexism can be.

Yes, sex is almost always completely obvious. My point is that all the pp can tell is that the contestants are not presenting stereotypically as one sex or the other.

Also, some of them are quite vocally "trans". Not sure why you're making such an issue of this. I've definitely seen trans people on it.

TBF it is just as obvious on a radio programme what sex someone is.

University students have long been experimental and non conforming in their physical presentation - 40 years ago it was about New Romanticism and ‘gender bending’. The difference is no one was claiming that they were actually the opposite sex back and demanding that reality is suspended around them.

I find his portrayal of 'woman' really upsetting. It's certainly the opposite of what myself and his sister portray. Maybe that's it - he wants to be different. I find it insulting.