Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

Yes I do think it's reasonable.

Because males are still male and retain male pattern behaviour.

And looks are superficial.

As we all find out as we age.

I know trans women who are fully transitioned and seem completely female. Like I said, I'm from Brighton. So yeah, I do, er, "fall' for it, if you want to call it that.

Part of me now wonders if I challenged him this would be good from this perspective ie he gets to feel hard done by. Unfortunately we know it’s not that simple given likely the people whispering in his ear would abuse that.

Yes I think maybe he has a subconscious need to push at the boundaries like most teens do. But I agree with you that he's in a vulnerable position due to love bombing from those people.

Well, she looks very small and slender in the upper body after taking hormones and clearly has small arms and very little muscle strength after taking hormones, so I think it would be the height of cruelty to send the person on the right into a male changing room and male toilets. And after hormone treatment they don't retain male pattern behaviour.

And it's not about "looks." You can clearly see that her body has the proportions and strength typical of a female and not a male.

And after hormone treatment they don't retain male pattern behaviour.

Complete nonsense. Says who?

What "male pattern behaviour" are you referring to that you imagine magically disappears because they take some oestrogen?

Says medicine. Can you provide proof that trans women retain male pattern behaviour after fully transitioning and taking longterm hormone treatment?

It’s the height of cruelty to even consider allowing males into female spaces. That is it. The feelings of people who dress up, have bits stuck on, chopped off, or turned inside out, doesn’t change any of it. People cannot change sex.

Ask the poster who said that trans women retain male pattern behaviour.

They can, to an extent. They can't become exactly like the biological sex. But the person on the right of the gym photo looks female enough to me to be counted as one.

And it's not about "looks." You can clearly see that her body has the proportions and strength typical of a female and not a male.

You're contradicting yourself. Why would there would be a problem with men competing as women if "with this one easy trick" of taking wrong sex hormones they could have "the proportions and strength typical of a female and not a male"?

Utter nonsense.

Says medicine.

Does it now. Citation please.

Never. It will always be a man.

Says medicine. Can you provide proof that trans women retain male pattern behaviour after fully transitioning and taking longterm hormone treatment?

I don't have to, that's not how making an extraordinary claim that something has changed works. You make the claim, it's on you to prove it, not me to prove a negative.

They are men, @ChicLilacSeal so you will need to show how they are not like other men in terms of their behaviour.

The woman in the photo is pretty small and I can't imagine her having any advantage over female athletes. But she would still be barred from female sports because, sadly, not everything can be perfectly fair to everyone at all times.

OP I have no experience of this. However I have had multiple miscarriages and my parents have never really acknowledged it, they don’t talk to me about it and they don’t know what to say so they say nothing. The saying nothing is awful and it really started to eat into me that they must not love me if they don’t care about my emotions. I get really upset about it, they aren’t emotionally supportive.

Only reason I am sharing this is i wonder if your son is feeling unemotional supported? I’m not saying this is the case but wonder if this was part of his reasoning

That is being fair. He's a man. He can compete against other men. If he can't because he's chosen to take hormones, too bad.

I would say that demanding people bow down to your delusion is pretty entitled male behaviour.

https://committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/18973/html/committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/18973/html/committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/18973/html/

Evidence re male pattern behaviour following transition

It may be that he actually wants a lot less contact. Ignoring the whole trans issue for a moment, why do you think not being in contact with you for three weeks is an issue? And what 18 year old away at uni wants to call their grandparents, let alone a ND one?

Perhaps you could adjust your expectations. My brother went to Uni and didn't contact my parents at all during term time, not even at 'half-term'. When I left home as a young adult, I didn't contact my grandparents at all - only saw them at family gatherings, so usually only once a year at Christmas.
This may not be normal for most families who have a family culture of lots of texts and regular check-ins, but it was fine in our family.

But a far-reduced level of expectations of contact may help your son with that crucial step of breaking away from his family of origin and becoming an independent adult.

When he gets to age about 25, then encourage him to stay in touch a bit more, especially if he gets a long-term partner who will want to know his family.

The woman in the photo is pretty small and I can't imagine her having any advantage over female athletes.

This person is a man, being a woman is not a prize for dainty looks. Hope that helps.

Small eh, I'm reminded of the Father Ted line on perspective.

This person is small, this person is far away.

It's a deliberately taken photo to imply smallness.

@EuclidianGeometryFan i have to say I’m wondering if you have children yourself, who are university age and over.
Because I haven’t yet found parents of children that age that feel it’s normal for one of their young adult dcs to not contact them at all for 4+ months at a time.

It’s not because that’s what your brother did that it’s ok or something to accept.
I mean wpuld you REALLY be happy to only hear about your adult children 2 or 3 times a year?

But as you say @ChicLilacSeal you don't actually have the knowledge so it's unfair to ask you for citations. As pp said, if you want to be convincing in your arguments you should read a range of opinions and sources, not just TRA ones, rather than write off the ones you don't approve of as "anti trans" so you don't have to engage.