Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

There is no chance I would continue paying for his phone. I would continue covering the Hall costs for about six months but there would be a limit on that and I would give him advance warning that this money was going to come to a stop too. He is 18, old enough to learn that cutting contact with your family when they have done nothing wrong will have repercussions.

I would carry on sending him messages like you were before op, especially about the dog. Even if he doesn't reply it's evidence you're still there for him, remind him you love him and want to support him. Is it worth asking him how he'd like you to support him?

I think I'd be trying to get to the bottom of why he thinks you're embarrassed by him? Even if you think he won't be able to have a conversation about things, is it worth asking what you did / said (or didn't say or do that perhaps he expected or wanted you to)? That would be a good starting point if he can communicate this info to you. He may surprise you and give you an answer, it's worth a try and could be a starting point to moving forward?

I would try and keep things as calm as possible and not mention money at this point, he isn't thinking things through like that, and I'd be walking on eggshells at the moment so he doesn't have any more ammunition to reject you further.

I'm assuming phone conversations or visits are a no go to try and sort things out?

I need to RTFT but I wanted to jump in on this specific point. I've read the OP (💐💪) and some really good advice but have missed lots of what's been said.

It's a call and response. It's important for emotional security.

That's the term I know from IT, not sure if it's universal. E.g. when you're taken through security checks on a bank system the person instigating the phone call gives some details and the person receiving the phone call gives the other information that matches it (and the IT system manages what can be shared and processed until this completes). I take my bank through this if they phone me and tell me I need to go through their security check... I say "OK. You phoned me so you need to give me mine" e.g. I give my bank half by postcode and you do the rest". Emotional security is just as important when it comes to establishing what feels right.

I remember my daughter doing it when she was a toddler at a basic level. We would be walking along the street, with her in the pushchair (facing forwards) and she would say "mum" and I would reply with "yes"... and she would repeat this cycle multiple times. We didn't know she was autistic until she was about 7 but I'm sure that type of toddler behaviour is relatively universal regardless of neurodiversity. Where it changed was her later versions of it - she is hyperfocused on safety, so when I talked to her (and her younger, NT sister) about not putting button batteries from toys in their mouths because they can cause harm (I didn't say anything scary, just not to do it), she internalised this and for years, her call and response was "have I swallowed a button battery?", "is there a button battery in my hair/curtains/etc?". My job was to patiently and calmly say "no, there's not" without validating or dismissing the fear. My job was to provide the basic security check that told her she was safe.

My circumstances are very different but my (previously 🤞) gender questioning, now 15 year old daughter also communicates most effectively with us about her emotions when we centre a) a call and response and b) the conversation around our cat. Talking about our cat not only provides a shared emotional attachment, but she understands her own emotions far better if she maps them to how our cat might feel and what that might look like to others e.g. mild annoyance/anxiety is conveyed through the eyes and a small curl of the tail, right through to fully anxious/angry/scared with arched back, fur standing up and shrieking.

Talking about the family dog provides so many essential connections: the call and response that you and the dog are there in a way that provides the emotional security that everything is as it should be at the most basic level (no matter what else is going on), a shared interest which includes the emotional pull of how you both feel about your dog, something to talk about (even if it's just one way updates from you) etc.

The value of emotional stability is huge. During covid, many of us worked from home. Newsreaders on the TV could easily have done that too via the technology that we have available (some did) but they went into the studios. Other shows did working from home e.g. Have I Got News for You. But the news is different, it's our connection to what's happening right now in the world. We need to see and feel that some things are constant, no matter what other shit might be happening in our lives - a turning point in the film Sean of the Dead was when the news station was compromised and fell off the air. Suddenly it felt more scary, more real.

I appreciate I've gone off on a bit of a tangent here but the relevance for me is that paying the tuition fees is part of that constant. Yes, our children are "adults" at 18 and yes, it's selfish of them to cut ties and expect this. But absorbing this as part of being the "job description" sometimes. Obviously not always and it will depend on other circumstances too - there might come a cut-off where the emotional retreat that's coming from a child is too much. But IMO, while there's enough of a connection there, even a tenuous one, even with very little feedback it's worth showing that there is a constant and that a child is loved.

I hope I haven't spoken out of turn for anyone reading this whose child may have fully pulled away from them. This gender identity stuff is pulling children in and away from their parents in such upsetting ways. Once that pathway/pipeline has been established enough, parents can't win. There presumably sometimes has to come a point of acceptance and grief - and a pragmatic view on how much "constant" can still feasibly be provided 😔

Edited for typos and autocorrect/autofill errors.

I listened briefly to a YouTube video, and a mother who is going through the same thing with her adult son. It was interesting and worth a listen. Your son knows you and your husband doesn't fully accept what he's doing. He gave you boundaries and told you this is who I am and I have a new name. You call him sweetie and lovely, so you can avoid calling him his new name, and your husband still calls him his birth name. Your son knows your feelings and you're embarrassed to communicate properly with your son. How do you really feel?

What if this isn't a fad and it's who he is. You have to work out as his parents what kind of relationship you want with him. You need to get to know who your child is now. You don't know your child and you need to get to know him/her. Whatever fantasy you had in your head about the future park it.

@Kalalily

"it may just be that we fall into this category but it seems to me that what was a big problem amongst 15 year-old girls with autism in secondary schools now seems to be affecting 19 year-old boys with autism at university".

Recently, there was an episode of the Gender: a wider lens podcast devoted to the phenomenon you've mentioned above. The guest on the podcast went through this with her son, and after discovering that there were many more parents experiencing the same thing, she set up a websitento.offer advice and support. She is American, but it might be worth you having a look. The episode on YouTube was called ROGD Boys exist.

Feel free to DM. Have you contacted Bayswater yet?

offer to take him shopping for new clothes and offer help with makeup etc.

And again with this 🙄

What next - a girly spa day and a lovely pillow-fight while wearing shortie nighties? Women are not a bingo-card of reductive stereotypes. Give me strength.

I wouldn't cut off the financial support immediately or even threaten to, but I would ask questions like

• but if you don't want anything to do with us, how will manage for money?
• if you don't want anything to do with us, where will you stay at Easter and summer break?

Basically get him to think things through to their logical end.

By the way, I know of two autistic boys who announced their transition to female when they were settling into university. Both also chose very old fashioned female names that very few actual young women their age would have. It's a thing, and I feel for you.

offer to take him shopping for new clothes and offer help with makeup etc.

Come on, he wants to we a woman - get him to do the housework, offer to tell him what the laundry labels mean so he can do the washing, then plan the meals for the week for the whole family on a small budget, shop and cook it. And if he tries to explain something to you - dismiss it then say the exact thing back to him as if you had just come up with it.

@BonfireLady that was such a helpful post to read about call and response. Thankyou. ----

The cynic in me would say that he will be in touch when he wants some money

The life of a woman

Wow that’s a big turnaround. Did he ever take the hormones? I’m glad he is ok now

@Shortshriftandlethal I’m not sure that I could tolerate that behavior from a 32-year old tbh. How dare he be so rude to you in your own home. I’m not sure that my DH would allow him in the house if he couldn’t be polite to me. IMO, your DH really should be standing up for you

Come on, he wants to we a woman - get him to do the housework, offer to tell him what the laundry labels mean so he can do the washing, then plan the meals for the week for the whole family on a small budget, shop and cook it. And if he tries to explain something to you - dismiss it then say the exact thing back to him as if you had just come up with it.
This is exactly right.
I have an acquaintance who says he is gender fluid and says when you see him in male clothes he is a he but when he is in female clothes we have to refer to him as her/ she.
I have noticed he will never wear female style clothes and high heels clothes late at night in our city or when he is making a presentation at work or going for interviews.
The cynic in me may think he cherry picks the ' nicer' parts of being a woman and stays in his male persona when it is to his best advantage

When you see him wearing high heels and a skirt tell her to get back behind the kitchen sink.

I agree...It has been incredibly difficult and i've felt totally unsupported; but my husband feels torn, and doesn't want to isolate our son even more than he has already isolated himself. (Both are on the autistic spectrum).

I've rationalised things in such a way that I feel I can absorb more stress and deal with his hostility, than he is able to himself ( my son). I didn't want to provoke his mental health crisis even further. Him being away has provided a big respite. I hope he'll eventually 'recover'....and will make a succes of his new life and his course.

@Shortshriftandlethal Just my opinion, but I doubt that being nasty to you is part of his mental health crisis. People with mental health problems can be still unpleasant. My Dad has had lifelong mental health problems and can be downright nasty when he’s in a bad mood. He’s had to learn to control his temper though as people won’t tolerate it, myself included.

I think young people are lazy. My next door neighbours are 29 and they met online. I think as a society we are becoming more antisocial. You and your husband has spent many glorious years together, and met before social media. Your son has taken the leap to go to university on his own, and he's getting the support he needs. I hope for your sake he meets a lovely woman or man, and he moves in with her or him. He's 32 he needs to see more of the world.

I think the person who's really embarrassed is him. He's trying to spin a line of I always felt I was a girl, and he knows you know that wasn't the case growing up. He's trying to pretend the falsetto is his natural voice and the mannerisms his natural mannerisms and he knows you know they aren't. Hence he'd rather pretend you don't exist. You're rather awkward for the narrative.

I'd keep channels open. I wouldn't judge an autistic kid getting caught up in this stuff, it's very common and he'll be dealing with a weight of cognitive dissonance that can be particularly hard if you're autistic. I'd see him as struggling with something rather than rude, although he has been very rude obviously.

Keep messaging low key, keep financing whatever you're currently financing. He's a young student, will inevitably get to a point where he needs more help from you and then he'll have to communicate. I'd want to allow him to do that with minimal psychological barrier.

Otherwise get him through uni and if he still wants to not communicate after that - well, he knows where you are and that your door is open. I don't think it'll come to that. Or remotely near.

Apologies if this has already been posted (still haven't had chance to RTFT) but this is a great website about boys who identify as girls during adolescence:

https://www.rogdboys.org/

My understanding is that heterosexual (the statistical majority) autistic boys are at risk of conflating (sometimes with coercion via online "egg hunting") their emerging libido with an attraction to a female anime character or female gaming avatar... with an attraction to themselves as that character. The conflation is compounded by society giving confusing information about what "being female" and "being male" actually means. From a cognitive processing perspective, this latter part also impacts autistic girls.

If you Google "Reddit MtF egg", the search results give an indication of what "egg hunting" is all about.

This is Prisha Moseley explaining it too:

https://x.com/detransaqua/status/1733729330671321576?t=3qKQ7SmDMiRAQglgruvPbA&s=19

Obviously by 18 a person's libido will be in the later adolescent stages of development, but autism can impact this kind of thing. I appreciate it's weird thinking about libido from a parent's perspective but IMO it's important to factor it in for an objective understanding of what might be happening. Testosterone is obviously known to have a powerful effect in puberty. Girls watch boys they know as peers suddenly transform into annoying, overly horny idiots - not all boys are idiots obviously... but the change is dramatic! I've never been an autistic boy trying to make sense of how that change might feel but I can imagine it's not a straightforward journey.

Yes I agree. I expect it's because nobody has made a huge big deal about it, he probably wanted you to enthuse about his choices.
If he's cut you off "forever" then he needs to know that you will no longer pay his bills.
Adult decisions mean adult consequences.
It won't last, my zdS tried on this nonsense not with trans but something else and it didn't last long.

Groomed by a cult. Told to cut contact with parents. Which works twofold, one it hurts, making your child feel even worse and vulnerable and two it severs the connection to family. This is what cults need to do to exercise control over members.

I agree. I think you've been super supportive OP but maybe too much so he thinks he can take the Mickey. Well, actually, he knows it.

My son, who is a bit autistic, as am I, runs rings round his Dad, but knows I won't stand for it. He manages to be ready to go when I am taking him somewhere but is always late when it's his Dad. Funny, that...

This post ought to be cut out and framed as encapsulating every wrong and indeed untrue claim made about gender-confused people and the tiny minority with differences of sexual development. I truly cannot be bothered to pick out all the inaccuracies. There would be nothing left.