Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

From Twin Peaks which dates from the 1990s. Hardly famous now.

Wow. Literally every sentence in that post is wrong.

😂😂 it’s staggering isn’t it?!

I would rather listen to the professional. What you are saying is wrong and you have no evidence to show. You are trying to scare the op with your false facts. I have uploaded a video for you to educate yourself.

Hmm interesting.

A lot of this is interesting and seems to fit well with the boys I know.

The demand for us to die really is the cherry on the top of the icing isn't it?

Be kind or die.

It's not exactly very nice is it? It's pretty demanding and manipulative.

Imagine where your head is at to type that? It's into pure brainwashed extremist terrority. It's not normal and it's not healthy communication.

Why they think anyone here is going to listen to a word of what they have said when they end their post like that is beyond me.

So so sorry @crochetedcat. He's in the cult and following their script and they are trying to separate him from you. Praying that he escapes ❤️

This feels like good advice to me. Not least this bit:

BUT I'd be waiting till he comes home for the holidays so you have a good chunk of time

When my daughter was actively gender questioning (though never as far as identifying as non-binary or as a boy... she wasn't sure if she was a girl and had asked for puberty blockers amongst other things to have chance to think about it), we had to take the conversation very slowly to unpick it. I was also learning about an entirely new world I'd never come across during this time. I had to find a way to strike a balance between my own concerns, listening objectively to how my daughter felt, learning about the risks associated with transition, accepting that sometimes I needed to dial it back a bit when asking her questions and/or offering advice or thoughts of my own. With autism thrown into the mix, it's a whole extra level of difficult.

One of the most difficult parts for me was leaving gaps of time where I didn't say anything. Obviously if your hand is being forced on this OP (e.g. there won't be any home visits) this is different. Equally, my daughter was 13 when these conversations started and living at home, so very different circumstances. I'm not a member of Bayswater Support group but I've read a lot of their information and have found it helpful. I would agree with other PPs that this is a good place to access support from other parents whose situations may be more similar to yours.

I've seen a few PPs suggesting involving the uni pastoral team for support. I'll add my voice to those who have instead highlighted that unfortunately this team is more likely to provide support in line with the affirmation model. We're currently trying to access counselling services for my daughter because of her overall mental health needs and when I am discussing the risk of conflation between her autism-related puberty distress and gender identity, the responses are tending towards either "you're a bigot" or a general lack of immediate understanding about why this might be an issue. TBF no-one has overtly called me a bigot, but I've been told that the Cass Report is irrelevant and instead that perhaps I needed counselling myself ("we'd like to offer you this") to help me understand how to navigate my own feelings about my children growing up. FFS.

you say you’ve went along with this but have not used she pronouns once in this entire post, kept referring to them as your son.

Objectively:
Social transition is not a neutral act. It changes the lens through which everything is seen and can lead to overshadowing of any other issues which may be the root cause of the distress. One such issue being the impact of autism. Not my advice, but the advice of the Cass Report. Would you agree that it seems fair that a parent would feel cautious about not doing this?

Subjectively:
What if a parent doesn't share the belief that "we all have a gender identity"? To anyone who does believe this, it's theoretically possible to be "born in the wrong body". To anyone who doesn't, it's not. It's entirely possible to be sympathetic to someone else's belief without being forced to share it e.g. as an atheist I would find it difficult to understand why someone might refuse a blood transfusion if it was medically advised, but I can respect that their decision might be based on their belief (e.g. a Jehovah's witness) without embracing the belief myself. Equally, I can think that they are making a mistake - if they were a close friend of mine or a family member, I might want to try and stop them making a mistake (as I see it). If my own child is making what I believe to be a poor decision, linked to their (current) belief that could lead on to irreversible physical harm and potentially worse mental health, am I supposed to just embrace it and start using the tenets of the belief e.g. start using she/her pronouns for a male, referring to a male child as a daughter. Even if I'm not worried (e.g. I've somehow managed to accept the lack of evidence to support transition) why should any parent be forced to reimagine their relationship with their child just because their child (currently) holds a belief in gender identity e.g. "I no longer have a son, but a daughter instead". A parent has just as much right to autonomy of belief, including lack of belief, as their child.

You could even be ambiguous and use they.

This is a social transition. It's a move away from the status quo and a step onto the affirmation pathway. See above re social transition is not a neutral act.

you’re putting on facade to be supportive

Erm? Perhaps your definition of being supportive is different from the OPs?

Personally, I'm not one for the "let's not worry about the lack of medical evidence, it's far more important that we just go with this and celebrate the new you" type of support.. but each to their own I guess. Also, as it happens, I wouldn't describe an affirming parent as putting on a façade of support if they were listening to their child and doing what they genuinely thought was best. I've listened to affirming parents talking about their children, and how difficult the journey has been, and have commented on other threads that it was clear how much they loved their children.

Of course they are going to push you away, not discuss it with you further. Your discomfort has came through so strongly here, talking about not liking the way they talk or even the name they’ve chosen. You’ve not had one positive thing to say about their transition.

From all of the OP's comments, I'm picking up a concern that a level discomfort could easily come through and that it's important to keep this in check, to mitigate a situation where they are going to push you away

You’re saying you’re being supportive, while being dismissive. “That’s nice, how’s uni?” Is just changing the subject and not engaging with what will feel like the most important thing in the world to your child: their identity.

Please see my previous post re a) call and response and b) autism and emotions. I was going to link it here but am going to assume you've already read it and presumably found it irrelevant, so I won't. If that's not the case, I'm happy to provide a link.

The only reason for OP to placate her son is emotional blackmail; ‘do what I want, deny reality, reduce your existence down to a set of harmful stereotypes, support the destruction of women’s rights or I won’t speak to you again’.

It is important to see and name the abusive behaviour by the son, regardless of any manipulation of him by others.

This is so useful thank you @BonfireLady . The call and response applies to many other things. In all our eyes when he told us, to us it was a ‘I’m worried you’ll react badly’ call so that’s why we went with the thanks for telling us, we love you and carried on like normal. If it is genuinely who he is, it just needs acceptance surely. I don’t celebrate my daughter for saying she’s a woman.

You are completely ignoring everyone else's identity. This young man's parents do not suddenly (or even slowly) become the parents of a daughter because their son has announced a new "identity". Identity is not something formed in isolation; it is formed in community, which is perhaps why there is so much pressure in trans circles to cut oneself off from family; family are too much of a reminder of what the trans person is trying to leave behind, too much of a reminder of reality. That must make it really difficult to construct the careful edifice of "womanhood".

As I am in a similar position to the OP, but further down the line, I have huge sympathy for her. I have made mistakes. The first thing I tried to do was to assure my son of my love however he presents himself to the world, but because I have made it clear that I do not share his worldview he is accusing me of "unloving communication". My own autistic tendencies have come into play, and I don't know how to handle the current situation, where we are still in touch but the link is tenuous. I do not think I need to beat myself up for being myself; I have said more than was wise on a couple of occasions, but if he wants a relationship with his Dad he will have to do some forgiving and accept me as I am too.

My biggest regret is that I didn't set my own boundaries right from the start. The pain and cognitive dissonance of using his preferred name and pronouns is too much for me, and I wish that I had said so and not tried to convince myself that the request (now a demand) to use them was reasonable and that I should be kind and force myself to use them.

Finally, to the OP, you may hear many theories of what is going on in a trans-identifying man. I recommend that you treat them as guesswork. Try not to make assumptions as to the motivations and psychology of his trans identity. In my opinion, autism is sufficient explanation, finding a tribe who appear to be completely accepting. Whether that tribe will remain accepting when circumstances change is doubtful; if he knows that he can return to you, perhaps he will (similarly to the biblical story of the prodigal son).

Utter nonsense from start to finish (well, maybe I could find a grain of truth somewhere in it).

OP if you took just one step back and started putting the pieces together you could repair, by tomorrow, your evidently broken relationship with your adult child.
Taking the route suggested by the typical posters of this forum will only worsen the dysfunction caused by whatever has gone unnoticed.
You cannot control this person and if you wish to have a relationship with them it must be with their consent, anything else and they will just push you further away in the long term regardless of whether you think they're making a mistake or not, please do the responsible and adult thing.

Taking the route suggested by the typical posters of this forum will only worsen the dysfunction caused by whatever has gone unnoticed.

There's no one "route" suggested, people have made a range of suggestions. The OP chose to post this here, on the feminist board.

Trans people have existed as long as the world has been around.

Belief in a "gendered soul" (i.e. a sense of oneself that is female, male or neither and is separate from the body) has been around for a long time, yes. In various different forms, in various different cultures. As with other beliefs (e.g. religion) it could objectively be seen as a way to understand what science does not. And, as with other beliefs, the evolution and maturation of scientific understanding means a belief can be at odds with reasonable scientific understanding. People who maintain such a belief do so by balancing their own cognitive dissonance in a personal way that works for them e.g. there are some Christians who believe in creationism and some who defer to the scientific explanation of the big bang.
Equally, some beliefs incorporate moral judgement, such as countries like Iran where a biological male who a) is attracted to other biological males and b) identifies as a woman is seen as morally good (it becomes a "straight" relationship) but if that same biological male does not identify as a woman it is seen as morally bad (because it is a gay relationship). This BBC article explores this:

www.bbc.com/news/magazine-29832690

Being intersex is as genetically common as being red haired.

Do you have a source for this?

Many people do not know they are intersex, as they would only learn through specific testing.

I'm assuming that the term DSD is used more often these days, rather than "intersex" because scientific understanding has increased significantly in this field and it is now known that it is impossible to be "between the sexes". That in fact, all DSDs are sex-specific. Many can be identified at birth, but not all. 5-ARD is one that only affects boys and only becomes apparent during puberty and must be particularly distressing. Regardless of the distress, it still causes lots of problems in elite women's sports e.g. World Athletics still hasn't got a policy that excludes males with 5-ARD from women's sport (instead they mandate testosterone suppression) and the recklessness of (alleged) males punching women in the Olympic boxing played out for all the world to see. Here's another article from the BBC, again from a time when they dared to do investigative journalism on issues related to difficult issues relating to people's sex:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-34290981

Assigning gender at birth is done visually only, based on the look of genitalia.

What is a "gender" in this context? Medical professionals observe and record a baby's sex. Sometimes it is ambiguous (therefore tests are done to ascertain what it is) and sometimes (e.g. with 5-ARD) it can be observed and recorded incorrectly. The recording of someone's sex doesn't "assign" anything to them other than a point in time record of their sex. In the vast majority of cases, this will be correct.

By contrast, "gender" (if gender means the expectations and limitations that every society places on its people in relation to their sex) is "assigned" at birth, by the behaviour of everyone involved that child's life. E.g. some people will bring pink gifts and dresses for baby girls. As that girl grows older, she'll need to actively choose whether to push back against this expectation or embrace it. Some societies have more extreme expectations and limitations related to sex e.g. the recent changes in Afghanistan which are imposing massive restrictions on women's lives.

Genitalia relates to someone's sex. Not their "gender" or a "gender identity".

No one is doing anyone any harm whatsoever by expressing a different gender identity than the one they were given at birth

That very much depends on the definition of harm. Some people are at risk of harm if they enter an affirmation pathway that overshadows other needs. Some people are at risk of harming others e.g. the distress caused by a biological male in a women's changing room if some women feel uncomfortable/trauma related to male violence.

Suicide rates in trans youth are so high because of the lack of support. They are one of the most vulnerable groups of people.

Do you have a source for this?

Don’t be an arse about something you absolutely do not understand.

?!

Fix your hearts or die.

?!?! Is this a quote from further up the thread, or from a book/film? Or is it a threat?! What's the context here?!

From my perspective, and in my situation, there is a coercive underpinning of all that is happening. I believe that my son and his partner are attempting to control us. We (my DW and I) have independently tried to make it clear that we do not accept coercion. If a continued relationship with our DS is dependent on doing as we are told, what sort of relationship is that? I miss my son hugely, and it is very painful remembering every day that our relationship is messed up, but we are not props for our sons "identity" and our integrity and mental health are also of some importance. If I have a breakdown over this, I am no use to anyone, including him.

Op is being adult about it. Her adult child can not control and manipulate the op and her feelings. If he wants to go no contact he can't then expect mummy to continue funding him. The op is continuing to fund him but he wants more. If it was me I would tell him to get on with his life and find a job like every other student. Young people today are entitled.

You know precisely nothing.

I know my mum did everything as dictated.

Still wasn't enough. The problem is precisely the point that you can change sex and your family represent the past you are trying to run away from.

I find it quite remarkable reading through these threads which have become much more common in the last couple of years as parents and siblings start to come out of the shadows and tell their side of the alienation and of how they did everything they could but were met with threats, demands and otherwise coercive patterns of behaviour.

These threads have such common features too. If this was a spontaneous naturally occurring phenomenon why would so many people who come out as trans have EXACTLY the same interests??? The most common by far is anime and gaming who have very particular unique cultures of their own. This is not consistent with a spontaneous occurrence - you'd have lots of trans people who had a very broad set of interests, perhaps some things more common than others, but a much wider base than is demonstrated. There's something happening in those cultural bubbles that's not happening outside of them.

I have picked my way through this over the years by not looking at identity but by looking at behaviour. If I was subject to behaviour that I would not tolerate in other circumstances than I should not tolerate it due to the identity of the person doing it. Being trans isn't an excuse for some of the common behaviours that seem to go hand in hand with the movement. Demands, threats and unreasonable expectations definitely fall into this category. That includes coercive behaviour around the subject of suicide.

If a male says they are female, then if I am to treat people without prejudice then I don't go round pandering to stereotypes. I don't go applauding them for their 'courage'. I just say 'and?'. If there is an expectation of more than that says more about the need for validation and their insecurities than it does about my values or judgement.

The whole 'but you are not doing it right' thing is problematic. There is no right way or wrong way to handle things. Families are much more complex and dynamic than that. There's years of previous history with the nature of multiple relationships with them. Stuff that might seem irrelevant but actually is. The sister who has suffered from significant sexual harassment isn't going to necessarily be cheering on a brother who dresses in a way that verges on anime porn now are they? For various valid reasons. Neither is the mother who gave birth to her son, had years of gynaecological problems as a result, breast feed their son and then is told 'sex is old fashioned and irrelevant and if you don't stop saying it I'll cut you off and kill myself you bigot'. There's a massive level of disrespect in there which, quite rightly should be confronted and dealt with.

I'm sorry, but healthy relationship are two way and there is a desire to understand the position of the other party too. Respect can not be one directional.

Especially if we are also told there isn't a mental health element to this and we just have to accept it no matter what else is accompanying the identity.

Trans is not a license to shit on everyone else. It has become that because we have been taught that when someone comes out, we are not permitted to ask questions and we certainly are not allowed to challenge poor behaviour.

And that's why I take issue with the 'well you should just do what they say' crowd.

It's not ok. We should not be handing out a free pass for this. We should be concerned about the deliberate alienation culture. We should be questioning the motives of people around people telling vulnerable adults their family are all bigots. We should be making the point that the accusations from trans people are not matching with the experiences of their family. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

This one sided storytelling is just more fantasy to shield from reality and it's got to stop. It's hurting so many people - families and trans people alike.

For what it’s worth, my autistic DS made a ‘false start’ at uni: he was bitterly unhappy, but it was very difficult to get at how he was feeling, because of the distance involved and his disinclination to talk about feelings, etc. Covid saved him - he came home to study online. For his Masters he chose a uni he could go
into daily from home and did really well. He also came out of himself a lot more and has become better able to deal with people. It seems that he needed that ‘earthing’ of being able to retreat to his safe space at night to give him the courage / energy to make these steps.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2025/jan/24/children-england-gender-dysphoria-diagnosis-rise

Brava RedToothbrush Brava. 👏👏👏

No, though I can see it looks like pandering. I think you are missing the point that he is autistic, or you don't understand how differently a parent must operate to engage with an autistic child.

It's a long game, trying to help an autistic young adult, who is so out of sorts in the world, understand that they cannot actually change sex and even if they do, life won't necessarily be any easier for them.

And, if he happens to be one of the few people who genuinely does feel more at peace living as what they perceive to be the opposite sex, then - well if that were my child I would choose to love and accept them rather than reject them and be cut off or live in endless lengthy battles, if those are the only options they offer.

You can't play that long game if you're not it, but if you are, you continue to offer love, support and the opportunity for a child to change their mind or grow out of an ideology without ridicule or criticism. You can't keep lines of communication open with an autistic young adult by laying down the law. That just isn't how it works. So the crucial thing is not to give any sign that you are the devilish, phobic parents who deserve to be cut off. That would be playing into the hands of his current belief about them. Cutting off his money, refusing to engage with him will not end well.

My issue with this is if gender dysphoria is a mental health issue why are the NHS funding surgery that isn’t on the brain.

Exactly. The refusal to acknowledge that so many of those statements have been debunked and instead to insist that the rest of us accept them or else. 🙄