Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

Maybe the OP's acceptance/carrying on as normal was the opposite of what her son wanted. Maybe he wanted to be talked out of it? He was probably told to expect a lot of push back from family, and sees the fact that they didn't as evidence that they don't care and are therefore unsupportive.
Thinking of you OP, it sounds very difficult.

@Snugglemonkey Yes, plus what will her son do for money if she cuts him off? This sounds dramatic, but he could even get himself into dangerous situations if he’s desperate for money.

Indeed. A friend of mine was a rent boy at uni to self fund. I am always conscious that people make all kinds of choices that are not in their best interests when backed into a corner.

I wonder if your non-reactions felt, to him, as if you were ignoring this huge change in his life

Why would it be a huge change for anyone?. If he were trans then his parents would already know. He would have displayed some clue growing up.

So sorry for you in such a difficult situation.

I would hold off paying his bills. Let him get some payment reminders. He will probably contact you then.

When he does I’d explain that you love him and have supported him his whole life and would love to continue to do so but since he cut you off you thought he didn’t want your support any more.

Ball in his court because nobody should treat parents so badly but still stick a hand out for money.

"This is partly (mainly?) because he is 6 ft 3, has stubble, is muscly. He presents very much as a man."

This is aimed at you he knows how you feel. If the above is what you see then he sees the same person when he looks in the mirror. He's up there trying to fit in and he knows what he looks like. I think it's a cry for help he needs emotional support and you're talking about the dog with him. Leaving home and living alone is huge for any young adult. You need to ask yourself is he ready for university? Or
Would it be better if he goes to a uni closer to home?

he needs emotional support and you're talking about the dog with him.

Nearly every parent I know (and my kids are now young adults) used the dog or family pet as a way to communicate with their children once they headed off to university. One university parent orientation session I sat in on recommended it. You send a picture of the dog being cute you are far more likely to get a response than sending a "how are you" text.

Op is doing nothing wrong in talking about the dog (that dog will be invaluable in maintaining contact) and she has already described how she tried to talk about emotions/feelings etc with her son but he didn't want to.

Oh! That's made me cross too. I hate this nonsense about men 'breastfeeding' via drug induced lactation. Meanwhile mothers who are pregnant and/or breastfeeding have to be so careful about medication, what we eat and drink, etc. When I was pregnant with DS I couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone about antihistamines so looked it up and found there was one I could take according to the NHS website.

What do they think those drugs are doing to the baby? (They don't know, nor do they care.) And why do they think there are transpeople who are against it as well? (They don't count, they're the wrong kind of trans, etc.)

You should not expect others to behave in a certain way to meet your desires.

It's controlling and grossly unhealthy.

Not only that but telling someone that you should now 'treat them as a woman' is hideously offensive and should not be pandered to. Regardless of whether this upsets someone.

Indifference is the correct response if we go by the idea that sex doesn't matter and "they are still the same person on the inside".

The point is that the "still the same person on the inside" line is really a crock of shit to anyone who has a family member who transitions and it comes as a shock to them and those close to them when it is accompanied by demands and unrealistic expectations as it often is.

This - given the very small appearance changes coupled with behaving in the same way as before (well, bar the recent communication), my thinking was to show him how much I loved him as a person, that I'll love him no matter what etc etc. So that was the logic behind talking about his course, his new friends, what he's doing and being really positive. I assumed he wanted to be accepted in his new identity and know that the 'change' didn't matter so we all just carried on showing him we're still here etc.

I know for me, when I've done something new, a big change or something that might be judged as wrong or strange by others, knowing others just carry on loving and caring for me in the same way has been really important. I do recognise I'm not 18 though - but this came from a good place.

And he's still an autistic 18 year old who does not do emotions or conversations, evidenced by no detail of why he wanted to cut contact and when I tried to engage just getting a thumbs up.

I'm actually advising all my friends who have kids around the 14 year old age who don't have a beloved family pet to seriously think about getting one in the next year or so because they are SO good for keeping communication and shared interests going. Our lovely dog brought them back out of their rooms as teens and I'd say 80% of our conversation (i.e. love and connection) revolves around her!

That's the problem he knows she's being awkward and asking awkward questions about his feelings. That's why he's ignoring her texts. There are a lot of late teens who are emotionally illiterate, and can't share their feelings. I would be more worried about him being attacked. He's 6'3, muscly with stumble and make up, some fucker is going to want to start on him. That's the conversation I would be having. Is he confused about his sexuality, that's another question. He's not 100% sure about what he's doing, he is trying to transfer how he feels on to the op. He's embarrassed and the op needs to have a conversation with him face to face. It's his life not hers, he's an adult now.

He's 18 though - an adult. He gets to choose to move away.

The dog is our emotional communication and has been for a long time. He's autistic and not a communicator. I tried to engage in emotional conversation with him about it and he didn't respond which isn't surprising as he;s never been that way. I'm not commenting on the weather or something but reminding him of our shared interests/ connections and showing him who's here at home for him.

I think it just highlights a point - he hasn't got a healthy mentality going on here.

That's not your fault. You should continue to behave in a way that is healthy.

The fact he is autistic is irrelevant to healthy behaviours. If anything you should make sure you are behaving in a healthy manner, more rather than merely bending over backwards to accommodate his desires.

He's still in the bubble of university. He won't be for long and this pattern of behaviour will not serve him well in the long run.

It will alienate friends long term as demands are not achievable.

@SapphireSeptember and theflyinghorse
The breastfeeding point is interesting. My trans dc used that case of the breastfeeding man as proof that it is possible to change sex. I explained all the points well known on FWR board (safety, baby first, consent). Led to a heated discussion with no conclusion.
The repetition of this point in different trans young people suggests it's a key item in the cult brainwashing kit.
This DC is now NC with us too. How many of us are there out there?

Are all these communications being conducted over WhatsApp?

There needs to be a real verbal conversation with him.

I've heard the same story over and over again of a boy who goes to university, is autistic and then messages one day to declare that he is a transwomen etc.

There are always other people influencing the teenagers at university, and they can be the ones behind the messages and at the very least the phone and messages are given as evidence to the other parties.

Thank you. My other thought is that carrying on as normal, being supportive and engaged etc means if / when he changes his mind or alters his behaviour, it's so much easier to come back.

This is one reason why I haven't questioned him 'in writing'. I have sent numerous messages that say how much we love him etc etc

I do realise it should be a verbal conversation but when they're several hours away, avoiding you and are an autistic teen boy who hates conversation I don't know how that works. If it was my daughter I'd be having conversations as she's completely different.

The problem is that autistic males, in particular, can prefer indirect communication and will avoid face to face conversations if possible.

That's all you can do is tell him the truth. The reason why the discussion got heated is because he knows he's wrong. The majority of the population don't share his view. You could have lied and gone along with him but if anything happens who will he blame?

Body Dysmorphophia is a mental health condition. He could be gay and people are telling him he's trans. They are convincing him that he was born in the wrong body. He will be back and hopefully with everything figured out.

I have a lot of sympathy with your situation. I have a 32 year old autistic son, who has been living at home and has only just left to go to university as a mature student - in another part of the country. For a few years before he left he had been conducting a campaign of hostility and hatred towards me......which made life pretty awful at home. It seemed to come out of nowhere..... though he did find Covid and the lockdown very difficult and started to develop mental health issues as a result.

He keeps in touch with my husband ( also autistic) via what's app, and with my daughter via the same, and with my other son, but he won't contact me or give me any news of how it is all going, He has got himself stuck in a very rigid and black and white way of perceiving everything, and it seems that as long as he keeps me as 'the baddie', then he can get on with his life and keep everything in its place. I've tried emailing to enquire how it is all going, and have sent recent photos of our city ( I take lots of urban photos) etc. To no response.

He did come back home for Xmas this year and managed to be civilised - even if he did not engage me in direct conversation - which was an improvement. Judging by what my husband and two other children say he found the first term incredibly difficult: the demands, the schedule of work, the need to socialise, living in a shared house. He has, apparently, taken against his landlady now, ( he has always had to have a female figure to rebel against - in his various employments) and the university had laid on a individualised study plan in order to help him cope.

I'd keep doing what you are doing.....occasionally contacting him in your usual ways even if he does not respond. It does sound as if he's been influenced by those around him, maybe in his desire to fit in and make friends ( university campuses are often highly politicised - i know my local university campus is)

And that creates a perfect storm. A lot of the script being followed appears tailored towards autistic boys (whether intentional or has just collectively ended up like this).

The OP is putting nothing negative in writing (so the other parties can't use that against them), this is good.

Something like this (which could become serious if medical intervention becomes a thing), will need verbal communication somehow.

In the other stories about uni boys going transgender, they snap out of it when some of their peers give them negative reactions. But it can't come from the parents as the people who are pushing this are seeking isolation from the family.

Unfortunately, as I said before, it's the perfect storm as autistic people are going to shy away from socialising, so a limited peer group means that he won't experience a full range of opinions and views, and he's being shielded from quite a lot of reality.

Very much this. I've written before about my experience. 23 year old son, living at home when I found blockers and female hormones in his room (prescribed by the Gender GP ghouls). Zero signs before. My attitude was to give him the space to change his mind, while also making my feelings clear. He knew my GC views, so there would have been little point pretending they didn't exist. My focus was his health and wellbeing. The inability of your son to communicate is very familiar - my son has since had a diagnosis of ADHD & is on the path to an ASD diagnosis (initial assessment indicating he is autistic). I used messenger a lot which he found easier to deal with that talking.

He has desisted. Now working in a very male job, going to the gym & has even cut his hair (which I was not bothered by, but apparently it catches in his hard hat). I'm aware these are very different circumstances as he was at home, but just to reinforce that it's vital that they have someone/somewhere that won't say 'told you so'.

That's brilliant @InnCognito

@InnCognito may I please DM you? We are in a similar situation but no sign of desisting. Announcement came out of nowhere and was quickly followed by gender dysphoria and a request to start hormones Diagnosed with autism and trauma last year and more recently with gender incongruence. Also at uni and reduced contact. At my wits end. Trying to keep a neutral but supportive, without affirming, stance. Obviously that doesn’t cut it as the only support they want is to be affirmed.

It’s really doesn’t help that the diagnosis for gender dysphoria is self report and the treatment for this condition which is not considered a mental health condition is medical transitioning i.e. hormones. There is so much wrong with this that I just don’t know where to start and there doesn’t seem to be enough of us in this situation for us to be able to make a difference. And obviously we have to be careful not to alienate our children.

Anyone I have spoken to about this in real life considers it to be evil.
it may just be that we fall into this category but it seems to me that what was a big problem amongst 15 year-old girls with autism in secondary schools now seems to be affecting 19 year-old boys with autism at university.