Not sure if I have said something wrong or not

[Motnight]

It was a team away day in person last week. We all had to stand up and introduce ourselves. I was about the 10th person to. The person before me stated their preferred pronouns.

I deliberately didn't state my pronouns. My director then interjected and said "you've forgotten your pronouns". I replied that whilst I totally respected other people's preferences regarding pronouns I felt no need to state mine. I then passed the microphone onto the next person. She stated her pronouns, but about half of the rest of the delegates didn't.

I came into work yesterday and my director (a man) came up to me said hi and then said that I was obviously a strong character who didn't mind making her thoughts known. I just smiled and nodded and he wandered off. A fellow female colleague and I today have been chatting about the away day and she mentioned that she was really uncomfortable with the overt trans phobia during the day. I didn't respond to that (I didn't witness any trans phobia at all) but am wondering if the comment was aimed at me, or if I am being too sensitive.

I have obviously got people's attention by what I said. I don't regret it, but I do wonder if I am going to be given some sort of label.

That sounds perfect to me, Motnight, how you dealt with it. So you were you, two people tried to half start something with you, and you didn't give them the pleasure. Because they've got nowhere to go with their comment so don't help them on their way by responding! Perfect :) In any other decade in history (and hopefully the future) you would not be wondering about this!

It's possible I'm being over-cautious. But if it's throwing people out at the identity level ("you've not got a UoR identity"), that means that it's checking credentials. In other words it's reading someone's email address and making a choice. Possibly that's all it's doing or possibly it's storing the email address.

Thank you everyone who has replied to my post. I am a strong (over!) middle aged woman and yet I felt nervous about politely refusing to play the pronouns game. 10 years ago I would have laughed at myself.

I will keep notes of the 2 comments that I have received so far just in case things escalate. My hope is that they won't.

Another tactic to have up your sleeve if things get nasty or uncomfortable on a personal level, is to explain quietly that you don't feel comfortable sharing your pronouns yet as you are trying to understand how you feel about them, and it can be hard when being put under unwanted scrutiny. That often shuts people up.

Many universities have upgraded their online security over the past year. It's been a nightmare for users who BYOD in our establishment. "It's not that difficult" is not as automatically true as it used to be.

It's shit isn't it? Stong, senior academic women having to watch what we say in case we offend confused teeneagers and millennial staff who seem to be unable to process complex issues that have nuanced human perspectives (and yet... they're academics FFS).

I hate how black and white thinking has become. This world seems to be all about being seen to say the right thing, without even engaging with any deeper thought. Brenee Brown has spoken about this quite eloquently. The 'if you're not for us then you're against us' way of operating.

You did the right thing OP. No-one should be forced to disclose sensitive personal information in public, whether they believe they have a gender identity or not.

Try this link:

https://jophoenix.substack.com/p/dont-get-caught-out?r=mt0ab

Well done OP. That was brave and you made your point and you did it in a perfectly respectful way. Those who perceive you as transphobic will attempt to draw you out and make you say something "hateful" so not entering into discussion afterwards is sensible.

Requiring pronouns to be stated is distressing for people dealing with gender uncertainty. It is a transphobic act dressed up as trans-friendly.

Well done OP, I wholeheartedly support you. Thank you for being brave.

Everyone in that room should have respected you and your views.

This is because no one actually thinks you're trans unless you're a deliberate attention seeker/trouble maker/narcissist....
and all the lesser non-trans people have to pay homage and chant the mantra in order to vanquish their sin of not being trans

I think you have a good answer. I honestly don't know what I'd say if someone asked me this. I should probably memorise something just in case 😄

My organisation (public sector) seems to be a member of the Stonewall Diversity Champions Programme, although nobody has mentioned it for a couple of years so I don't know if we still are. However, I've only seen a few people routinely state pronouns in emails etc and nobody's ever done it (in my experience) in meetings. So it's unlikely to become an issue, I think, but you never know, if some zealot gets themselves into a position to start making demands.

Interestingly my senior manager did for a while have "she/her" in email signature, then it mysteriously vanished - so I guess she either realised or had pointed out to her that this was not as uncontroversial as she had perhaps thought.

The only problem with this is that it reinforces the concept that ‘pronouns’ are something people can ‘choose’ ( enforce) as opposed to a grammatical and linguistic sexual signifier which in 999999 : 1000000 is totally obvious after puberty, and quite often before.

Not so long ago we could have added legal to the list….

Imo it's simply a way to weed out the heretics.

Yes I think also it's pointless to make a stand on this and then pretend that you are doing it because you are struggling with your own identity or because you want to protect those who are still closeted.

.

Hands up I would always state my pronouns in a meeting where everybody is stating theirs. I’d then never attend that meeting again but there is no way I would be supported by my extremely captured institution.

Edited to add that I am, however, very impressed with the OPs calm and measured response to this insanity.

I'm impressed at how diplomatic you were. I just say 'I don't do that' and if pressed, say that I'm not in a habit of highlighting my protected characteristics.

That's a good answer - you would never stand up in a meeting and say 'hi my name is Jane, I have recurring depression and haemorrhoids, I'm a lapsed Catholic, and I'm 55"

Out of curiosity has anyone responded to the request for stating their pronouns in a meeting with ‘I’m female’ or something along those lines? And if so, how was that received?

It's so funny, really, isn't it? What if someone wasn't sure about transitioning - why on earth would they want to announce anything to a roomful of people? Can you imagine having to state whether you were gay in a situation like that?

I'd be so tempted to say "He/him" but I know someone would say that I wasn't. Can you imagine the nastiness about that? She said he/him but we all know she's a woman. Errrr....

I prefer to say that some trans people might not feel ready to share their pronouns so this request could cause them upset and anxiety.

That way, you’re turning it round and showing concern for those trans people but also - and importantly - you’re not implying that you share the GI belief system.

I think I'd have asked 'what transphobia?' personally. Since you saw none it might at least have been amusing watching her tying herself in knots producing some.