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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Ex is trans, I feel unjustly traumatised

68 replies

Zazzlez · 01/09/2024 01:50

I met my ex (one of many) when I was about 12, we had a up and down relationship during our school years, but after we left it progressed, the thing is I always knew he was cheating on me, but when we were together he would always say "only I would love you, you weirdo!' and as time went on he got worse and eroded my self esteem, he also sexually and physically abused me, I eventually moved away and went to uni as an adult and have made a good life now. Ex has recently contacted me, has come out as trans, denying all accountability for the past (it wasn't me, I don't remember that life!) and I've been called a terf! When I questioned them, I don't know how to feel or what to do, but...I don't know. (Shortened this for an easier read, shit ton more happened)

OP posts:

Justwrong68 · 01/09/2024 12:04

So narcissistic to contact you now. People who are so desperate for validation must be avoided.

Sooz41 · 01/09/2024 12:08

Im so sorry to hear what happened to you both then and now. Your emotional response is nothing to apologise for or need to minimise. Old wounds can go very deep and this person has clearly set out to distress you once again with their drama. There are some men for whom gender is just the newest biggest stick to beat women with, and a free pass to abuse women in plain sight. In the first instance I would mount rigorous boundaries making it clear (in writing ideally) that you haven't forgotten the abuse he put you through and that any further contact either direct or indirect will be considered harassment and reported as such. If any mutual acquaintances question why you cut off this person you can set them straight that he is an abuser and you have cut him off for your own safety. Nobody is entitled to your attention or to distress you in this way whatever their own issues are. Sending solidarity and support xx

CountryHorse · 01/09/2024 16:03

Thank you @MarieDeGournay for that poem.

Derail thread but could I possibly get away with using that 'prayer' at the funeral of the trans narc in my life. Honestly, they'd love it as expressing their truth.

ErrolTheDragon · 01/09/2024 16:31

If he calls you a TERF, surely you roll your eyes and say, I'm not excluding you because you're trans, I'm excluding you from my life because you're you, the person who abused me.

And even if he has - miraculously - changed, that still doesn't mean you need him in your life or owe him anything at all.

FrippEnos · 01/09/2024 16:40

RedToothBrush

Your ex is not trans. Your ex is an abusive male trying to abuse you once again whilst hiding behind a skirt to protect him from being called out for being an abusive man.

This is the only bit that I disagree with. By the TRAs own definition of self ID he is trans, and he is a trans that is abusive.

We should not be encouraging "the wrong sort of trans" narrative. He is trans and he is abusive.

housemaus · 01/09/2024 17:07

Your ex sounds like a horrible person, so I'm not sure why you haven't just blocked them? Them being trans is irrelevant.

Tooting33 · 01/09/2024 18:44

FrippEnos · 01/09/2024 16:40

RedToothBrush

Your ex is not trans. Your ex is an abusive male trying to abuse you once again whilst hiding behind a skirt to protect him from being called out for being an abusive man.

This is the only bit that I disagree with. By the TRAs own definition of self ID he is trans, and he is a trans that is abusive.

We should not be encouraging "the wrong sort of trans" narrative. He is trans and he is abusive.

I don't think any of us really care about activists self-id. There's no true trans or fake trans. There's just lots of people claiming to be the opposite sex, against all objective facts.

RedToothBrush · 01/09/2024 23:21

Tooting33 · 01/09/2024 18:44

I don't think any of us really care about activists self-id. There's no true trans or fake trans. There's just lots of people claiming to be the opposite sex, against all objective facts.

Show quote history

And that's my point really. The whole concept of 'true trans' is a load of bollocks. My point is about how anyone abusive suddenly isn't trans even though anyone who says they are is.

It's the utter absurdity and hypocrisy of it.

XChrome · 02/09/2024 01:02

FrippEnos · 01/09/2024 16:40

RedToothBrush

Your ex is not trans. Your ex is an abusive male trying to abuse you once again whilst hiding behind a skirt to protect him from being called out for being an abusive man.

This is the only bit that I disagree with. By the TRAs own definition of self ID he is trans, and he is a trans that is abusive.

We should not be encouraging "the wrong sort of trans" narrative. He is trans and he is abusive.

Right. It's No True Scotsman in action.

Tooting33 · 02/09/2024 09:25

That's what I thought you meant @RedToothBrush l.

MarieDeGournay · 02/09/2024 10:02

I just thought of a word of warning to Zazzlez -

the pattern with this kind of narcissistic emotional abuse is if they don't draw you back into their orbit by being nicey-nicey, they can suddenly turn really nasty, so if before everything is blocked you get some really nasty, stinging comments about what an awful person you are - it's par for the course.

Be prepared if it happens, ignore it, use it as the basis for adding another line to the Narcissist's Prayer, or something, but don't take it to heart.
This person does not really know you, has been using you, and his opinion of you is warped and totally irrelevant.

Reclaim your self.

eatfigs · 02/09/2024 14:00

I wouldn't reply to him any more. He wants the attention. Just block and ignore. If he escalates by trying to contact you despite the block, report it as a crime. It's harassment at that stage.

eatfigs · 02/09/2024 14:02

So infuriating how these men insist their trans baptism washes away all sin.

rollypanda · 03/09/2024 09:42

Block. don't validate him in any way. pretend you didn't even get the messages. it'll make him wondering - push it back. hahah

pottydimley · 22/03/2026 10:43

RedToothBrush · 01/09/2024 05:54

So a man who sexually and emotionally abused you, has got in touch to abuse you and scare you by calling you a 'terf', and you are worried that he will call you a 'terf' aspublicly?

First of all, even if he does, so what?

He'd be pretty much demonstrating the fact he's abusive and that what motivates him is abusing women.

If your friends decide to value his opinions over you then they were never friends in the first place. They should be willing to listen to you say he was an abusive ex and I have no idea why he's got in touch to abuse me again.

He is harassing you.

And besides this, your husband knows the history and should be your champion here to anyone who decides to be difficult.

Imagine you had gone to a women's refuge because of his abuse. If you weren't a 'terf' you would be falling to recognise your own abuse and the risk some one like him would pose to a woman if he could just claim to be a woman and stroll into the refuge too.

Being a 'terf' isn't a bad thing. Indeed many women labelled as such precisely because they recognise or have been the victims of abuse and are trying to prevent it. This makes them a threat to men like this. Not because you will deny their existence or refuse to validate them. But because you see them as what they are - abusive men who will never ever be women. And they hate you for it. They hate the women who remind them of that.

When he looks in the mirror he knows he's not a woman. When he actively tracks you down after years of no contact purely to tell you he's trans, he's doing so precisely because he knows he's not a woman and he wants to assert power over you as a woman. That's not the actions of a woman. That's the actions of an abusive man.

You have nothing to feel guilty or shame for. Being called a 'terf' isn't something that you should live in fear of. Precisely because it's about him and power and control.

He's demonstrating the validity and importance of being a 'terf'. Be proud of that and take ownership of the label. Being kind should be about mutual respect. If he's not respectful of you, he's not kind. You don't owe him kindness and none of your friends should expect you to owe him to 'be kind' purely because he's decided to come out as trans. Remember that.

I always say, focus on behaviour and not identity. If behaviour would be unacceptable coming from any other person, then it's not ok. And that's why we shouldn't just blindly give males who don't respect women's privacy, dignity and right to define themselves, this status of being victims. Any person who doesn't recognise why women need single sex protections and sees males who are happy to impose themselves in this situations is not an ally to women... They don't value women. They see women as second class and just there to validate men. They see women as not worthy of having their own traumas acknowledged and recognised.

Ultimately I'd frame it like this for your own sanity:

Your ex is not trans. Your ex is an abusive male trying to abuse you once again whilst hiding behind a skirt to protect him from being called out for being an abusive man. How can you tell the difference between 'true trans' and an abusive male pretending to be trans? And that's why you can't be anything but a 'terf' after he's contacted you out of the blue to abuse you.

100%

lcakethereforeIam · 22/03/2026 10:56

Agree 100%. Even though this is a zombie thread. I hope the OP gas successfully put her abusive ex. in the rear view mirror...again!

Otterbabiesholdhandstosleep · 22/03/2026 10:58

If your ex does tell your friends you’re a terf intending that to imply you are intolerant or bigoted, then you don’t have to accept that interpretation of your behavior. You role your eyes and explain that ex is too self obsessed to realize your continued dislike of them is due to his actions during your relationship and has no bearing on your feelings towards trans people in general. They are insistent that their new identity erases previous poor behavior when for you, nothing they do or say now will ever erase things he said and did during your relationship.

Lurkingandlearning · 22/03/2026 11:22

Zazzlez · 01/09/2024 02:28

Tbf I'm still traumatised from our relationship, so this was a bolt from the blue, my dh knows my history so supports me, we also have friends in common who are active in gay pride and so am I, my bestest oldest friend is gay but im now scared he'll call me a terf in front of everyone.

Show quote history

I understand your concern that he might try to blacken your name with mutual friends. But keep in mind your friends, whether they also know him or not, know you. If they are prepared to change their entire opinion of you based on the words of someone who it at odds with you for their own reasons, they are not worthy of you.

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