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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Ex is trans, I feel unjustly traumatised

68 replies

Zazzlez · 01/09/2024 01:50

I met my ex (one of many) when I was about 12, we had a up and down relationship during our school years, but after we left it progressed, the thing is I always knew he was cheating on me, but when we were together he would always say "only I would love you, you weirdo!' and as time went on he got worse and eroded my self esteem, he also sexually and physically abused me, I eventually moved away and went to uni as an adult and have made a good life now. Ex has recently contacted me, has come out as trans, denying all accountability for the past (it wasn't me, I don't remember that life!) and I've been called a terf! When I questioned them, I don't know how to feel or what to do, but...I don't know. (Shortened this for an easier read, shit ton more happened)

OP posts:
CountryHorse · 01/09/2024 07:42

Being a Terf has in no way stopped me supporting my gay friends.
Our lad is currently running around, causing absolute chaos with him, as always, at the centre. Rewriting the past is also his latest trick like @Cambiarenome above said ' that never happened'.
Less people are taken in then you think. He is getting quite clumsy as he grasps for more affirmation. We've heard so much over the last year. I'm so sorry that this has shaken you. Don't give him any power, he was an arsehole as a teenager and now he's a arse in women's clothing.

RedToothBrush · 01/09/2024 07:43

Also. A lot of gay people are aware or waking up to just how homophobic trans ideology is...

liverpudcounsel · 01/09/2024 07:46

Block him. Those who play such mind games are toxic.

Lovelysummerdays · 01/09/2024 07:55

I’ve noticed this before. I think of it like a butterfly effect. When a man declares himself trans (not seen it the other way round) it’s like he’s supposed to emerge as his true self, all shiny and new and free of past sins. Bringing up abusive/ criminal behaviour tethers them to a past self, like deadnaming I suppose.

It’s a complete head fuck OP. No doubt someone will tell you he is the true victim of your relationship as forced to conform to societal expectations. It’s classic DARVO, I’d block and protect your mental health. If friends in common ask just say he was awful to you back in the day and he’s not someone you want to be in contact with.

Tooting33 · 01/09/2024 08:44

Ex has recently contacted me, has come out as trans, denying all accountability for the past (it wasn't me, I don't remember that life!)

He doesn't remember that life, yet contacted you, a person from that life. I call bollocks.

I'd point out that he must be mistaken as you were never part of his life. Gaslight the fuck out of him in response then ignore.

Andoutcomethewolves · 01/09/2024 08:48

A friend of mine had this. Long term relationship, several kids etc. He was horribly abusive - physically, emotionally and sexually.

She finally gets the courage to leave him and suddenly he 'realises' that he's been a woman all along. All of his past actions under his now 'dead name' were due to his confusion and frustration. Starts wearing mini skirts, basques and fishnets etc. Oh but he's also apparently a lesbian and manages to get into a relationship with a very easily impressed teen half his age. I don't really know her but she's a friend of some of my friends and by all accounts the abuse has started up again. She's also being fed awful stories about my friend and their relationship by him and is lapping it all up.

Poor kids growing up through this shitshow 😔

Mischance · 01/09/2024 08:51

Find a bin - drop him in it.

You have a happy life now, have risen above past problems - don't let him bugger that up.

lifeinthelastlane · 01/09/2024 08:51

init4thecats · 01/09/2024 06:45

I'd simply reply "You ARE an abuser, no matter what you think you are now. Abusers never change."

And then block and delete

This

TheKeatingFive · 01/09/2024 09:03

He wants attention and as he's an abusive pr!ck I'd give him as little as humanly possible.

Ignore, block, move on with your life.

Doingmybest12 · 01/09/2024 09:09

Your abusive ex has contacted you trying to change the context of his behaviour and justify it. It's re traumatising , that's not an unjust response. He is continuing to ignore your feelings, minimise your experience and the impact. Block him.

pottydimley · 01/09/2024 09:09

He's just looking for your affirmation as someone from his past to perpetrate "I've always been a woman, and it's not just my latest narcissistic thing". Block him: he's just further abusing you. If you care what others think, blocking and moving on is justifiable given his earlier behaviour, irrespective of his reasons for getting in touch now.

pottydimley · 01/09/2024 09:10

RedToothBrush · 01/09/2024 05:54

So a man who sexually and emotionally abused you, has got in touch to abuse you and scare you by calling you a 'terf', and you are worried that he will call you a 'terf' aspublicly?

First of all, even if he does, so what?

He'd be pretty much demonstrating the fact he's abusive and that what motivates him is abusing women.

If your friends decide to value his opinions over you then they were never friends in the first place. They should be willing to listen to you say he was an abusive ex and I have no idea why he's got in touch to abuse me again.

He is harassing you.

And besides this, your husband knows the history and should be your champion here to anyone who decides to be difficult.

Imagine you had gone to a women's refuge because of his abuse. If you weren't a 'terf' you would be falling to recognise your own abuse and the risk some one like him would pose to a woman if he could just claim to be a woman and stroll into the refuge too.

Being a 'terf' isn't a bad thing. Indeed many women labelled as such precisely because they recognise or have been the victims of abuse and are trying to prevent it. This makes them a threat to men like this. Not because you will deny their existence or refuse to validate them. But because you see them as what they are - abusive men who will never ever be women. And they hate you for it. They hate the women who remind them of that.

When he looks in the mirror he knows he's not a woman. When he actively tracks you down after years of no contact purely to tell you he's trans, he's doing so precisely because he knows he's not a woman and he wants to assert power over you as a woman. That's not the actions of a woman. That's the actions of an abusive man.

You have nothing to feel guilty or shame for. Being called a 'terf' isn't something that you should live in fear of. Precisely because it's about him and power and control.

He's demonstrating the validity and importance of being a 'terf'. Be proud of that and take ownership of the label. Being kind should be about mutual respect. If he's not respectful of you, he's not kind. You don't owe him kindness and none of your friends should expect you to owe him to 'be kind' purely because he's decided to come out as trans. Remember that.

I always say, focus on behaviour and not identity. If behaviour would be unacceptable coming from any other person, then it's not ok. And that's why we shouldn't just blindly give males who don't respect women's privacy, dignity and right to define themselves, this status of being victims. Any person who doesn't recognise why women need single sex protections and sees males who are happy to impose themselves in this situations is not an ally to women... They don't value women. They see women as second class and just there to validate men. They see women as not worthy of having their own traumas acknowledged and recognised.

Ultimately I'd frame it like this for your own sanity:

Your ex is not trans. Your ex is an abusive male trying to abuse you once again whilst hiding behind a skirt to protect him from being called out for being an abusive man. How can you tell the difference between 'true trans' and an abusive male pretending to be trans? And that's why you can't be anything but a 'terf' after he's contacted you out of the blue to abuse you.

This. 100%.

pottydimley · 01/09/2024 09:13

PS: if your friends are so likely to a) believe him over you and b) to condemn you for being a "terf" are they really your friends?

Daleksatemyshed · 01/09/2024 09:14

Once a self obsessed abuser, always a self obsessed abuser. He probably hates that you're the one who got away from him, now he's back for some petty revenge. Block him and keep him that way

JohnofWessex · 01/09/2024 09:18

I suspect that if he starts abusing you in public it wont do him any good.

On the other hand it might allow you to bring the law down on him.

unrsnblyannoyd · 01/09/2024 09:23

I'm guessing he's getting some grief from someone/something else in his life and is looking for validation that he is still the centre of the universe and everything revolves around him. He's not stopped abusing you, he's simply switched how he does that to keep you engaged with him while you try to figure out what "you" have done wrong - the answer to which is absolutely nothing. Whatever he says, does, or threatens, this is the time to really stand your ground. No is a full sentence. You don't owe him anything - no responses, no explanations- whatever you do give him he will twist to feed his "I am a victim" ego. As you have responded to the contact (that's in no way a criticism OP, people like him are incredibly clever and that's what makes them so dangerous), I would send one message to say something along the lines of having reflected on recent discussions I am just letting you know that I won't be engaging any further. I wish you the best (even if you don't!) and am now blocking your number/email/social media. Please don't attempt to contact me again.

JFDIYOLO · 01/09/2024 09:55

Abusive nutjob.

Why are you even in conversation with him??

Block block block block block.

He's found yet another tool to use to fiddle around in your head. He must think it's Christmas. The whole terf thing is a gleeful realisation by some men that they have full permission to abuse women. 🙄

Block block block block block.

CorruptedCauldron · 01/09/2024 10:33

There is some absolutely brilliant advice on this thread. Please don’t let this person try to manipulate or control you any more. Block and delete. Transitioning doesn’t change anything, he’s still the same person and he was responsible for abusing you. He doesn’t get to identify out of his appalling previous behaviour. And it sounds like he hasn’t changed a bit - threatening to publicly brand you as a terf and sabotage your friendships. What a horrible, sick little creep. Note also that this is all about making himself feel better. He couldn’t care less about you and he doesn’t deserve a single second of your time.

Fallenangelofthenorth · 01/09/2024 10:42

Zazzlez · 01/09/2024 02:28

Tbf I'm still traumatised from our relationship, so this was a bolt from the blue, my dh knows my history so supports me, we also have friends in common who are active in gay pride and so am I, my bestest oldest friend is gay but im now scared he'll call me a terf in front of everyone.

Show quote history

If you're worried that your friends in the pride community would side with an abuser over you, would it not be better to leave those friendships anyway?

MarieDeGournay · 01/09/2024 10:51

Don't get drawn back into his toxic orbit.

Everything you describe sounds like a heap of emotional pain for you, and now he has a new way of inflicting it on you.

Do you know the so 'Narcissist's Prayer' by Dayna Craig?
“That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.“

Your ex has now added a new line
And if I did it, it wasn't me, I don't remember that life.

It's an awful fact that we can continue to feel positive feelings for people who have treated us badly, to the point of emotional abuse. That's the string that they yank to get you back into their toxic orbit. You have to cut that string. Full stop, no in betweens, no ifs or buts.

If you're called a terf, you're in good company - hey, even the rich successful admired gorgeous JKR with the lovely hair and stunning outfits is a 'terf'Smile

Your future is forward. His future is nothing to you. Block, ignore and don't look back.Flowers

BowlOfNoodles · 01/09/2024 10:52

Just simply block 🚫

Arconialiving · 01/09/2024 10:55

Hectorscalling · 01/09/2024 04:04

This relationship traumatised you. And now this person has got in contact to abuse you again. They are a piece of shit. Not because they are trans but because they are a piece of shit.

What did they want? Why was it so important for them to tell you they are trans? So they could pretend they aren’t responsible for everything they did? It doesn’t work like that. They abused you. They are responsible for that.

This person is an abuser. They are still trying to abuse you and using being trans as an excuse to get away with it. Never speak to them again.

You are traumatised because they abused you and they are trying to abuse you again. That’s not you being ‘unjustly’ traumatised. That is, legitimately, traumatic.

This!

Block him on everything & don't engage any further!

Bickybics · 01/09/2024 11:04

He’s getting off from the interaction, you need to cut him off completely.

3peassuit · 01/09/2024 11:16

He’s rewriting your history to suit his own twisted narrative. Do not engage with your old abuser, it never ends well.

Dumbledoreslemonsherbets · 01/09/2024 12:01

Alongside all the excellent advice by PPs, do watch the new transwidows movie, linked in this thread, preferably with your DH so he's forewarned about your ex:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5151159-premiere-of-trans-widows-film-on-friday-30th-aug?page=1

Be very, very glad you got out (I suspect you will be once you've finished watching) and do not let this abusive man back into your life. It won't just affect you, it'll affect your DH and all those around you.

Unfortunately this doesn't hold true I suspect that if he starts abusing you in public it wont do him any good. that John makes upthread. Many women have had death and rape threats and the police have done nothing, in Kellie Jay Keen's case actual physical violence attempted on multiple occasions (thwarted because of her security), and nothing has happened to those making the threats / trying to physically assault women. TRAs have been very good at using trans as a magic shield to protect them when exhibiting abusive behaviour that in any other situation would be unacceptable / criminal and institutions such as the police are captured. Hopefully every public institution is beginning to wise up to the abuse they've enabled with their cheerleading. Still, at the present time ensuring this person has absolutely no way of contacting you and nothing to do with you is by far the best protection. Block.

If people side with this man over you, they don't think your experience of past abuse is as valid as a man thinking he's a woman so that tells you something about their level of misogyny and how far they see women as equal. You don't want these people as your friends.