Heellp my 14 year old daughter says she wants to socially transition

[Pleasegotobed]

It is literally my worst nightmare.

She has a significant history of trauma as her dad is / was abusive. It’s been 3 years of hell. He is also a TRA and all over social media posting about resources for “queer children”.

she’s apparently been going to the lgbt club at school with her friendship group and now all of them have said they want to transition to using male names and pronouns. The teacher who runs the club has trans flags all over his wall. The head of year called me this morning to essentially ask for my consent to implement this at school. I raised my concerns about her history of exposure to dv (non mol in place), the social contagion aspect and that she’s also simultaneously self diagnosing herself as autistic and with adhd and is showing significant signs of anxiety.

What do I do and how do I handle this?

Can school and her dad consent to the social transition even if I say no? Her hoy seemed to have no idea what to do as I hadn’t consented and said he would speak to the head and DSL about where they would go from here. Which I assume means they may do it anyway?!

Yes..... Although this may be too much.

I say this because I'm not ready to listen to it yet, owing to my own situation (which is less precarious than the OP's).

It's the pain in the parents' voices that I can't face. Reading accounts is different - it's awful when children have been pulled into this despite having at least one parent who wanted to be cautious, but (from my POV) it's something I can only handle in writing.

Great post above from @AstonScrapingsNameChange

You've got this, OP. It may not always feel like it but you do. Awareness of this awful medical scandal is growing. TRAs who push for this harm no matter what - and are forever lurking in these threads about children... Hi 👋 - will not win out. The Cass Report started the shift and it's growing. Schools are the next battle front - and the statutory KCSIE guidance is the key to open that door.
Also you've got lots of us here in the weird world of the internet who have your back to give you sanity and ideas 💪 xxx

OP, just had a though, is it possible to register with CAFCASS, your daughters GP, and anyone else that will listen that not only do you not give consent for medical transistion, but that you very specifically and explicitly withhold your consent? Maybe email them so it's in writing?

IANAL bit I feel that might give you more protection than the absence of any recorded objection - A GP or social services might proceed on Dad's say so without asking you, but I feel it would be a different matter if they had a letter from you saying you withhold consent.

It makes it clear that to go against your wishes will lead to a world of aggravation for them (and possible legal action) and may be enough to scare them into taking the sensible watch and wait approach.

Good luck in protecting your daughter x

The key takeaway from the whole series for me was - you are the adult, you are the parent it's your role today 'No' and keep saying 'No'! Get her counselling now and keep here away from that teacher, she is being groomed!

Yes that’s exactly why I suggested Ms Bindel’s podcast. It’s also the general approach of O’Malley and Ayad in Gender A Wider Lens. Empowering parents.

Thanks so much for all the messages. I’ve been reading them all even though I couldn’t bring myself to reply, I’ve just been so overwhelmed.

Social services turned out not to be interested. They offered “early help” instead which actually sounds like it could be helpful.
Touch wood it looks like the school have dropped the lgbt club! I’m not taking it as confirmed yet but it’s conspicuously absent from the club list so far.

We have another cafcass session tomorrow, it’s not been 50/50 so far because he can’t do it. He still can’t do it. He doesn’t even want it from now he wants it from 6 months time when apparently his circumstances will have changed. I’ve pointed out that this is totally ludicrous but the cafcass officer says that we just have to accept it. He took her to pride on Saturday and plastered photos all over fb of himself wrapped in a trans flag and lots of signs about “puberty blockers are reversible, suicide isn’t” 🤦‍♀️
My biggest concern right now is him alienating her from me by telling her I’m a bigoted transphobe (which he has told her). I’ve raised that concern with CAFCASS but tbh she doesn’t seem to know what to do about it - her joint letters to us are actually not bad though and she does seem to be trying to find the balance.

Couple of other things - I don’t have a solicitor, can’t really afford it right now.

And he has a non molestation order against him for domestic abuse including coercive control. It’s continued since though (for years) last week he physically assaulted my mum and in August he forced his way into my car to hold onto my arm so I couldn’t remove myself from the situation where he was shouting at me. Both reported to the police but nothing happens really.

I like the idea of a risk register a lot - thanks for that suggestion. I’ll try and formulate something this afternoon

💐💐💐💪💪💪

Although the overwhelm sounds incredibly tough, it also sounds like you're doing amazingly OP. Having people in your corner IRL is key e.g. the school and CAFCASS. Also I'd echo the advice above about having your objection to any medical intervention in writing.

Given your ex is plastering things on FB and is very active politically, unfortunately there's a chance you may be doxed. Obviously your own comfort level with risk is paramount here but this thread could be useful if you are. The most important thing is your relationship with your daughter, so conversely you may wish to have this thread hidden at some point if you are. I have got a few thresholds in my mind about what I'd do if I was doxed and all are linked to centring my daughter. Her anonymity is so important to me (and part of me is very uncomfortable that I've discussed things about how she feels online, albeit anonymously, while I figure out how best to support her). But my own personal "risk assessment" is that I will reluctantly accept that our family's risk of exposure goes up as I do more things IRL but the more I do IRL, my daughter's overall risk of harm goes down. So my plan is to stay anonymous as long as possible - the longer this happens, the more chance of her staying safe from harm - but if I am doxed I will (reluctantly) be ready. Sorry to add that to your plate but it's worth having in the back of your mind xx

I hadn’t actually even considered that. Do you mean picked up by activists or the media or both?

Initially, activists.
Unfortunately any of us who push back on this are potential targets. I'm so sorry to bring this up, on top of all the other things you've got going on.

Obviously I'm not you, but it were me, I would leave this thread here if it happened. I would then stop posting on it and focus on everything IRL only until I had worked out what was going on and what I wanted to do about it.

Top priority would be my daughter above all else. You're already doing this and right now (as I see it) you're getting some great advice here. The unknown quantity in how this unfolds in an activist/doxing capacity is your ex and those who support him. I only mention this because you say he's prominent/vocal in some capacity in this.

My guess is it's the unlikely possibility of someone recognising your situation? Having said that, there are now countless thousands of parents having to deal with their children being gaslit by the "you've got the wrong body" nonsense so the chances of being identified are remote.

It's excellent news if the school have finally dropped the LGBT club. I think there's a growing realisation that schools got on the wrong side of this in listening to all the trans groups and they're quietly reversing back to safeguarding being their priority (and hoping that nobody notices their previous failures).
It's good if you feel the Cafcass person is trying to be impartial. A parent who calmly but determinedly insists that their child must be safeguarded from thinking their body is wrong but can be fixed with a sex change is in an increasingly powerful position post Cass. The courts also take a dim view of parents trying to alienate the other parent - especially if that parent is signed up to a dangerous ideology.

Wishing you all the best

Having said that, there are now countless thousands of parents having to deal with their children being gaslit by the "you've got the wrong body" nonsense so the chances of being identified are remote.

Agreed. I hope I didn't push my own paranoia on to you there, OP. I'm so scared about my daughter's future in this hideous medical scandal that it's sometimes difficult to keep things in perspective.

My biggest concern right now is him alienating her from me by telling her I’m a bigoted transphobe (which he has told her).

Outrageous!

OP, I'm so sorry. Nothing to add, just offering some solidarity.