Heellp my 14 year old daughter says she wants to socially transition

[Pleasegotobed]

It is literally my worst nightmare.

She has a significant history of trauma as her dad is / was abusive. It’s been 3 years of hell. He is also a TRA and all over social media posting about resources for “queer children”.

she’s apparently been going to the lgbt club at school with her friendship group and now all of them have said they want to transition to using male names and pronouns. The teacher who runs the club has trans flags all over his wall. The head of year called me this morning to essentially ask for my consent to implement this at school. I raised my concerns about her history of exposure to dv (non mol in place), the social contagion aspect and that she’s also simultaneously self diagnosing herself as autistic and with adhd and is showing significant signs of anxiety.

What do I do and how do I handle this?

Can school and her dad consent to the social transition even if I say no? Her hoy seemed to have no idea what to do as I hadn’t consented and said he would speak to the head and DSL about where they would go from here. Which I assume means they may do it anyway?!

No advice but what a difficult situation, especially with DD’s father. Thank goodness for the wisdom and collective knowledge of MN. Hugs OP.

Thanks for the update OP, well done you! - it sounds like the school are at least listening. Hopefully things will work out OK and your DD has a great time at summer camp just being a 14-year-old having fun.
It would be nice if you could do something nice for yourself while she's away, this has been a big challenge for you and you could do with some battery-recharging!

That's good news OP and well done - they've evidently taken you seriously. Their comment about the lack of guidance is telling. Until now the very worst organisations and individuals in the world in terms of children's rights and safety have been allowed to influence policy, hence some of the child hostile policies that we've seen.

Of course schools want to do right by children and it's good they confirmed that with you so there's hope. They're not shouting the "trans tops everything" mantra that we sometimes see from very captured adults.

Your intervention actually makes the school a safer place for all children - not just your DD.

Thanks - I am so grateful for mumsnet and the knowledgeable posters here!

two other things i forgot to mention- they say they never use any stonewall or similar resources as they consider it “pro” and they like to take a neutral approach. I thought that was really good! They also only signpost them to standard mental health services- no directing them to mermaids.

AND they rewrote their DEI policy literally the week after I emailed saying it was unlawful (sex defined as gender identity).
It’s not perfect but it’s not bad either in fairness - and I’m really pleased they took it on the chin that it was wrong and corrected it.

However, I did get sent a form for dds school trip to France yesterday asking for passport details and instead of sex it asks for “gender identity” - I wondered whether to follow that up with the teacher responsible clarifying what she means and that the children will be in single sex accommodation. And if so - why she is asking for their gender identity?!

Great work 💪 The school is really listening.

As a suggestion re the trip, one thing you could do is create a safeguarding statement that you use for your daughter, explaining the impact of gender identity belief discussions on her. I have one that I use outside school settings and it's really helpful. I've based it on the professional submission that was sent in for my daughter's EHCP. It sets out her needs and provisions e.g. how adults approach conversations like "what are your pronouns?" and the impact that this can have.

The benefit of this approach is that it could be given to the trip leader and used in other settings too. We use ours for extra curricular activities and health appointments etc.

It's also worth giving feedback that asking for her gender identity on the form is an example of the same implicit bias as the pronouns question: it assumes a belief in gender identity as if it's a factual truth... and that it's more important than someone's sex. Hopefully the school has already recognised that they shouldn't be arranging residential accommodation on the basis of gender identity.

Again - proof that the school is listening to you.
Re the trip - I'd probably raise it with the senior staff you met with, pointing out that passports list sex and asking if this means children will be in mixed sex sleeping accommodation? Trying to challenge this one member of staff at a time is exhausting. It's a leadership issue to tackle this and as they've understood the issues, they need to resolve them everywhere they pop up. That's their job.

Trying to challenge this one member of staff at a time is exhausting

It certainly is! I'm having to do both, because of how long and drawn out the whole school conversation is (a separate but connected conversation to my daughter's EHCP). Unfortunately there has been a fair bit of internal discussion within the leadership and suffice to say, there is a heavy leaning towards gender identity belief within the school.
OP, you have made much faster progress than I have been in your school discussions. My belt and braces suggestion re the trip may not be necessary.

Reawakening this thread for some further advice...
We are going through CAFCASS at the moment because my ex wants 50-50. He has socially transitioned her when he is with her. He is essentially alienating her from me by saying I'm "transphobic". Lots of other stuff has happened - he wanted her to go to a trans counsellor who was fraudulently claiming to be registered as a counsellor but wasn't. Cafcass want to do a social services referral because of the "potential consequences if the situation is not resolved" - has anyone else experienced this? What do I do?
Devastated tbh.

There is someone on Twitter who is an adoptive or foster mum and whose children's school reported her to social services for questioning their teaching (I believe - I don't think any of her children wanted to transition).
I can't remember her name but you could also try https://www.ebswa.org/

This is an article about the foster mum - it doesn't give her Twitter handle.

https://www.christian.org.uk/news/foster-mother-reported-to-social-services-for-questioning-gender-ideology-lessons/

This parent (who I think is ROGDmum on Twitter) eventually got a sensible specialist.

https://www.thetimes.com/uk/scotland/article/school-reported-parents-of-trans-child-to-social-services-ngm80gpc5

Can you go back to Bayswater for more advice?

So sorry to hear this. Sex Matters or Transgender Trend both have access to excellent lawyers and they may be able to point you in the right direction for advice?

There's more expertise now in dealing with this stuff and the Cass Review is a game changer in terms of highlighting the dangers of socially transitioning children.

Thanks.. transgender trend don’t really seem to have a facility to ask for advice but potentially I’m being dense!
interesting cases, I’ve read a lot about it and various other cases too. They’re helpful, but right now everything just feels like a struggle. I’m exhausted.

Cafcass lady actually isn’t bad - and I was very apprehensive. She seems to understand the points I’m making and is advocating for me. He wants to be able to support dd to access medical treatment without my knowledge on the basis of gillick competence. She said she wouldn’t advise me to agree to that. I’m scared.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and that your DD’s dad is acting in this way. Please read up on the Cass report and ask the professionals involved in CAFCAS whether they have done the same.
In summary, Cass is clear that social transition is not neutral, that affirmation model of treatment is not evidence based and that medical treatment also lacks evidence. Medication should only be offered as part of a registered trial through specific clinics and as yet there are no trials. There is a ban on puberty blockers for gender questioning children.
My approach would be to ask any professional who is not up to speed with Cass Report to read it and any professional suggesting your DD should be cared for/treated in a way that is in conflict with it what their rationale for explicitly going against what the NHS are now doing is and what qualifies them to do so.

Sending hugs OP 💐💐💐💐

Do you know where your MP stands on this issue? If you've got a Tory or Labour MP, they may be able to help you because both are backing the Cass Report recommendations.

What a horrible situation 😔😔 I can fully understand why you're scared.

Sadly he’s a Lib Dem who is best mates with my ex husband (my ex is a reasonably prominent activist in the area). I tried to contact him about Cass generally (pre any of this and when he was standing for election) he was worse than useless. Definitely no support there 🙁

he has ordered a “trans celebration pack” which I happened to see! Many flags, badges and hats etc.

So pandering rather than parenting. What an asshat. You, otoh, are doing a great job as a parent.

OP, I've been thinking about your situation so much because I fully understand the fear that you have described (from my own perspective, where my risk is lower as I'm not at odds with my husband on it). My own fear dominates my life right now, so I channel it to make user of it, so I can only imagine it notching up if things change. I wanted to share some practical thoughts:

1. find your allies. Perhaps the CAFCAS lady is one? Also be aware that allies can get scared and turn. Rogdmum has previously posted on here about this
2. demonstrate your reasonableness and focus entirely on the law/regulations/guidance that isn't being followed e.g. the KCSIE guidance regarding the LGBT club.
3. avoid emotive language. I agree with MrsO that it sounds like the LGBT staff lead is "grooming" the children, in the same way that Lia Nici used exactly this word in parliament in the Cass debate in parliament in April. There is a thread on this - the Hansard from the debate has some useful stuff from MPs and you can quote from it if needed. The Miriam Cates quote about the medical/safeguarding scandal is useful but needs to be positioned carefully IMO e.g. "there was agreement from both sides of the House that the Cass Report recommendations needed to be followed to address what has been described as "[quote]" by an MP in parliament on [date]. The new government is now taking the recommendations forward"
4. separate the school from home regarding risk management. The school needs to follow paragraphs 205-209 of the new KCSIE guidance. Maybe ask this re the LGBT club: "to support my daughter's safeguarding, please could you confirm how the staff members who run the LGBT club will separate and moderate the group's discussions about LGB from "T" (now referred to as "gender questioning") in line with the new KCSIE guidance".
5. I don't know enough details about the relatively new coercive control laws but could you get a free one hour consultation with a knowledgeable barrister in this field in respect of family law? E.g. contact Sarah Phillimore on X (she's very responsive and knowledgeable). To me it sounds like your daughter's dad is leading her in line with his own activism, rather than supporting her neutrally. Yes, it seems to be her free will that she's identifying as a boy but the combination of the school club "grooming" and potential coercive control at home could be a factor.

Note to MNHQ: I am using the word "grooming" in the same context as Lia Nici in parliament when referring to the safeguarding of children. Please can you let me know if I need to rephrase this in my comment.

Here's the link to the thread that I started about the Cass Report debate in parliament:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womensrights/5050831-debate-happening-in-house-of-commons-victoria-atkins-on-fire?utmcampaign=thread&utmmedium=share

If you want to listen to it, the URL in my OP doesn't work now (it was live only) but there's another one in the thread. There's also a link to the Hansard transcript. Plus lots of useful commentary from the brilliant posters of MN (there might be a few quotes you could use in your comms to articulate the safeguarding risk that your daughter is facing).

It's important that Social Services can see information that frames the safeguarding risk correctly. At the moment it sounds like you're being framed as the risk 😔 But with the Cass Report and KCSIE guidance (and the non-statutory Gender Questioning Children guidance that is linked to the statutory KCSIE) it's possible to demonstrate why that is completely the wrong way round.

Sending 💪 and 💐. Am thinking of you xxx

@Pleasegotobed Julie Bindel’s new podcast, Julie in Genderland, has interviews with parents who’ve gone through this, and also a couple of young people who’ve desisted. Might offer you some hope and ideas/strategies.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Contact the Bayswater Support Group who are run by parents & professionals. They take a more neutral approach towards gender Dysphoria. They are the complete opposite to Mermaids and Stonewall so you'll get some decent advice there.

https://sex-matters.org/posts/updates/how-should-schools-respond-to-gender-questioning-children/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/seen-in-schools-758137303

Report the LGBTQ teacher to the Sex, Equality & Equity Networks in School (SEEN), Sex Matters and Ofsted. There will be more listening ears towards trans grooming by teachers than there used to be.

My heart goes out to you OP - what a shitty situation.

You're doing an amazing job 💐💐💐

I don't have anything to add to the excellent advice already given, except to reiterate the importance of remaining factual and to focus on the safeguarding risks and bring everything back to the law and to Cass.

Writing out a personal 'risk register' could be a useful way to help you order your thoughts in order to present all the facets of the situation to CAFCASS, school and anyone else who needs to hear it. Objectively balance the risks to your daughter of his approach vs yours - clearly and objectively presenting the potential negative impacts of what her dad is trying to do.

Family courts are only interested in their perceived best interest of the child, so this needs to clearly underpin all your arguments. What is the reason you didn't already have 50:50 shared care in place? Did he dad not want it or wasn't able to do it previously? Have his circumstances changed? Seems like he only wants it now to get at you and use her for his pet project. Have you got any evidence - emails etc - of him refusing to be involved previously , or doing harmful things? Previous manipulation or coercive control?

Do you have a good solicitor who is not in thrall to gender woo?

No need to answer on here as it could be outing, but things to consider.

Sending so much virtual support xx

Listen to the podcast Julie in Genderland by Julie Blindel. It's interviews with parents in your position plus young people who believe/d they were trans.

The key takeaway from the whole series for me was - you are the adult, you are the parent it's your role today 'No' and keep saying 'No'! Get her counselling now and keep here away from that teacher, she is being groomed!