DD14 is regularly assumed to be trans/NB/a boy - any advice on how she can respond?

[whatsinanumber]

She is tall with short hair and a low voice and only wears trousers / shorts etc plus has always liked stuff that people (even in 2024) seem more likely to associate with boys - football, techie stuff etc. She regularly gets assumed to be NB or a boy and, if she says she's a girl, is often then assumed to be a trans girl.

On the whole, she's not bothered if people assume she's a boy and won't bother correcting them but quite a few times people have looked surprised / affronted to find her in a girls loo (or other girl's/woman's space) and she finds this embarrassing. She's asked me what to say to people when this happens. She doesn't want to be confrontational or make anyone fell awkward because she thinks it's not coming from an unkind place i.e. people are either genuinely confused or just trying to not offend. So, any advice on a quick way of knocking this on the head and not turning it into 'a thing'? Thank you.

Unless they’re saying anything to her in the loo, I would just ignore.

I can’t believe people are so rude to her and keep badgering her, asking if she’s a trans girl etc. you’d think people would have a bit of shame!!

I had short hair once as a child and overheard another mother say, ‘let the little boy have a go’, I was pretty upset!

How does the conversation go, as I’ve never asked a child if they’re a boy or a girl, nor heard people ask (common with babies, my son always got referred to as a girl)?

If they say, ‘oh this is the ladies toilets’, she could just say something like, ‘thanks, but yes, I’m female’. Then carry on as usual. Unless she’s going to see these people again, I would bother too much, it doesn’t sound like she’s bothered.

I don't think she is super bothered, she was sort of laughing about it earlier. But I think she's worried that it has the potential to be awkward. The only time she was actually upset was at an event where a marshall tapped her on the shoulder when she was walking into the ladies and pointed her towards the mens.

But otherwise, it's more like, she'll be hanging out with a male friend and they'll introduce her to another boy or boys as 'a friend' and said boys will sort of do blokey hellos (fist bumps or whatever) and then when she says her name (which is obviously a girls' name) go all weird and awkward for a bit and say "ooooh".

Often happens in shops too when I'm with her and people will refer to her as 'your son'.

Or they will ask what her pronouns are (when they haven't asked other people in the room / group). Again not a huge problem but I think she feels when she says she/her, she's then assumed to be a trans girl

I'm tall and people often thought I was a boy in my early teens, but as girls get older then there's very rarely any confusion.

Do you think it would reassure her to know that it will stop happening as soon as she's a bit older?

Oh, that's a challenge. I have that same problem from the other direction, DS12 has long, long beautiful blond hair and rather delicate features and is relatively small. He's assumed to be a girl about 85% of the time. Like your DD, he doesn't really care and is confident to say, "I'm a boy actually" to people, even to other kids. I might encourage him to say he's male as that is (incrementally) clearer these days.

I hadn't actually considered what the reaction in the gents would be if they thought a young girl was in their toilets. Might be worth me discussing it with him now before it actually happens. Thanks for the food for thought, OP. I'm sorry I don't have a more helpful answer and sad that we have to even be having these conversations.

I suspect it won't stop happening for a good while. She's been through puberty now (at least she has breasts and her periods started a few months ago) but because she doesn't wear tight clothes and she's got quite an athletic build and quite narrow hips, her body shape isn't immediately obvious. So I can see it continuing to be an issue.

My DP still goes through this in her 40s and has a lot of anxiety around it. I feel for your DD. And I hate the pronouns thing. Could she confidently just say 'I'm a girl'when asked that sort of thung?

I guess if it bothers her, she could wear some pretty earrings or a little mascara. Sorry you don’t say how old she is

My daughter was often assumed to be a trans boy or none binary rather than a girl. For a while she thought she was one.

Now if errors happen (which more rarely do post puberty) she laughs it off.

Things like. They are my clothes not boy's clothes.

Or not all girls have to be on tik tok and wear make up etc.

I doubt anyone would approach a young teenage girl in the female toilets seriously believing they are a boy though, is that what you are concerned about?

God I hate this gender ideology though. Wasn't it lovely when girls could wear and do what they liked without being questioned!

pretty earrings and mascara really aren't her thing - she just wouldn't wear them and I don't feel she should have to. She is 14.

Who are these people who go around asking other people their pronouns? because IRL, this doesn’t happen. Ive never in my 64 years seen a tomboy being challenged in the girl’s toilets, and Id argue that for the overwhelming majority of time, people know if someone is male or female.

@whatsinanumber you’re right she shouldn’t have to!
Some girls at her age do tho. I guess she just needs to find a little something that stops people making the mistake, but only if it bothers her

@lifeturnsonadime agreed - the gender ideology stuff (and related gender stereotypes) really feels like a step backwards.

I'm not 'worried' about her as such in the girls toilets but she finds it awkward because I guess she's a bit of a rule follower and thinks people are judging her for being in a space she's not meant to be in and she wants to find an unobtrusive way to say she belongs there. And yes, they genuinely don't recognise her to be a young girl. She does look and sound a lot older than she is.

It’s bonkers. My dd2 loves her short bob but says she needs long hair or people assume she’s trans or NB! She’s in year 8. I feel the world has taken a massive step back with stereotyping.

Do you mean she's making it up? I can assure you people regularly assume my 14-year-old DD to be a boy. I have personally seen her being challenged once going into a toilet (admittedly this was not in the UK) and she tells me it has happened here this week - the person in question didn't actually say anything to her but just stopped in their tracks and looked and then only clicked when they saw the two other girls withher. Maybe the pronouns things is quite London-centric but it's really not unusual in some settings here for people to be asked their pronouns (this latest occurence was at a drama club)

she obviously like having her hair short as that is quite unusual for a girl of that age, that’s the obvious reason she’s being misgendered. The easiest thing to do would be to grow it out.
Or just laugh about how ridiculous it is that as soon as a female has short hair all this nonsense comes up!!

My DD is 17 and for most of her younger teens, shaved her head and wore androgynous clothes. She got this a lot, as well as questions about pronouns. She just says "I'm a woman". It happens less now as she's a bit older and scans obviously as the woman she is.

She does NOT need to do a little something like wearing pretty earrings or mascara. Thankfully, DD was spectacularly not bothered by people asking and just shrugged off the confusion.

I work in a rural school in East Anglia. Lots of people ask about pronouns! It's definitely a thing.

DS has long hair and was mistaken for a girl when younger. Never when using the urinals though.

Thanks. Good on your DD for not being bothered - I think my DD could prob do with a bit more of that.

When I say it will stop happening as she gets older, I don't mean because she will necessarily fill out - it's just that a female face becomes far more obvious as you get older. Of course it's confusing for early teens and they are often self-conscious but she'll get more self confident and it will stop becoming an issue.

If she's not asked, I'd say just get on with using the loo. It's not personal, just a sign of the times. I suppose she could pull out a packet of tampons etc from her bag whilst going into the cubicle if she wants to make a point. If asked, she could simply say 'im a girl, born and bred. I just prefer having short hair'. She shouldn't change her appearance.

It's harder to tell before, or in early puberty. DS was still mistaken for a girl after his voice broke at 14 (until he spoke) but not once he started shaving at 16.

Anyone who makes those kind of assumptions about her is being sexist, because they think that you can't be properly a woman/girl without conforming to sexist stereotypes. If they say anything to her it's perfectly reasonable for her to say "stop being so sexist. I can wear whatever I want, nothing stops me being female". If they don't say anything to her she can't do much. Sadly you can't stop sexists from being sexist.