DD14 is regularly assumed to be trans/NB/a boy - any advice on how she can respond?

[whatsinanumber]

She is tall with short hair and a low voice and only wears trousers / shorts etc plus has always liked stuff that people (even in 2024) seem more likely to associate with boys - football, techie stuff etc. She regularly gets assumed to be NB or a boy and, if she says she's a girl, is often then assumed to be a trans girl.

On the whole, she's not bothered if people assume she's a boy and won't bother correcting them but quite a few times people have looked surprised / affronted to find her in a girls loo (or other girl's/woman's space) and she finds this embarrassing. She's asked me what to say to people when this happens. She doesn't want to be confrontational or make anyone fell awkward because she thinks it's not coming from an unkind place i.e. people are either genuinely confused or just trying to not offend. So, any advice on a quick way of knocking this on the head and not turning it into 'a thing'? Thank you.

Obviously not the same but my reception age child had a pixie cut until she started reception whereupon she immediately declared she wanted to grow it. Now it's grown a bit she's already a bit sick of it but has told me she can't have it cut short again because "people think I'm a boy when I'm in the girls toilets". She usually wears trousers for school (unless she's in the summer dress) and trainer like shoes so I'm sure that also contributes though. I feel sad for her that she's in reception and already feeling she can't have her hair the way she wants because of other people's perceptions.

If you click on OP posts: See all, at the bottom of the first post, you’ll see the answers to your questions @Oblomov24.

I think she could just say "I'm female" in response to any questions.

I totally agree and feel like it is so different for women than men. It feel like it is society trying to force conformity. I can totally understand how hard it would be for a teen who decides she wants to look a certain way.

The trends also seems to be getting worse over time.

A young relative of mine who is a tall athlete with swimmers shoulders and short hair told me she has been politely challenged or looked at askance a few times in women's loos or changing rooms. She just smiles and says 'I'm just a tall girl who
likes short hair' and that's it. Other person usually smiles and that's it.

@whatsinanumber

I've experienced several times being mistaken for being male even though i am female given births ect,

I could be mistaken and for a male and have been
I am adronogynous 🤔 looking

and yes same thing happened to me going to the toilets 🚻 a couple of times

So can very much relate to your daughter's experience...

@whatsinanumber

Unfortunately in life you can come people can be judgemental hypocrital Arseholes, !!!!

I am sorry your daughter has experinced this kind of Crap 💩 from random strangers too,

Being a teenager can be an arkward and difficult confusing transitional stage of life at the best of times...

@whatsinanumber

Sorry typo mistake
I ment to say you can come across judgemental arseholes...

Returned to this thread after a busy week meeting a deadline (and then recovering from too much laptop time!) And lots more of you have taken the time to answer - thank you.

In answer to some of the questions:

• no, she is under no pressure from us not to explore traditional femininity 😂Other DD is very much enjoying experimenting with make-up, earrings, heels, dresses and whatnot and I also wear make-up on a fairly regular basis (although heels have more or less been ditched these days). But the DD in question rejected dresses / pink stuff etc very forcefully from pre-school days. When she was small we had a lot of hand-me-downs dresses / pink because a lot of people give that stuff if you have girls so in the interests of economy we did nudge her towards wearing them but it always ended in tears and - other than a brief period in a school that required summer dresses - she hasn't worn a dress or skirt in a decade
• to me her face is obviously a girl's face but because her voice is lower than most girls her age and she's tall it doesn't seem apparent to everyone
• she had long hair until a couple of years ago and would never grow it again, she just feels it doesn't suit her and I think she's probably right. It's just not her. And she absolutely wouldn't be interested in make-up / earrings / more feminine clothes (find it a bit odd people are suggesting that!)

Anyway, it honestly hasn't come up again since we last spoke about it (when I originally posted), and she is on the whole a very healthy, happy, well-balanced teen thankfully. But, if it bothers her again I'll have plenty of good suggestions from the MN bank of wisdom

When I think back to the 80's when I was a teen it is a crying shame how far backwards we have gone. The stereotypical look that defines girls and women now that I blame partly on insta, tiktok etc. I remember all us girls having such varied hair and clothing styles. I had mine long, then short, and every colour! Lady Di and her pageboy style was cool for 11 year olds! We then had the big perms, the spikey punk style. I don't ever remember people questioning our gender or sex. Take me back!

Well good then op, if dd hasn't said anything.

Your DD just needs support to confidently own it and say ‘I’m female’. She doesn’t owe anything to anyone else about the fact she likes having short hair.

If she is very self conscious about potentially being challenged in an all female environment, then I’d encourage her to make sure she speaks. For most women once they use their voice it will be instantly obvious that they are female. She could for example, fake a phone call if she has to.

I think so too. When I was a child a short bob was usual for a girl (boys had much shorter hair) but some girls had what was called a 'pixie' cut (think Audrey Hepburn) but no-one thought they were boys. Trousers were not much of a thing, though. When I was young woman most of the young men I knew had hair as long as mine!

Thanks for coming back, OP, it's great to hear that your DD seems to be strong, happy and herself and it sounds like you and your two DDs are three different happy individuals in one happy team. Way to go!