Sexual harassed DD6 in unisex toilet

[LittleCoffeePot]

I initially posted this using a throwaway account in AIBU for traffic but it got derailed accusing me of lying and being obsessed with toilets(?) and my account deleted. This is my main account so I'm hoping this wont be deleted as I genuinely need help and advice.

Monday night, my DD6 comes and tells me that the week before, when using some unisex toilets for a different classroom at school that she wasn't familiar with, she was struggling to lock the door and a boy offered to hold the door. These unisex toilets are unsupervised. While using the toilet, the boy gathered a group of other boys and they opened the door twice to all laugh at her while she was on the toilet. She was in floods of tears telling me this and now doesn't want to use the toilet at school. She said she told a teacher or TA but they didn't do anything.

Obviously I immediately brought this up with the school and they have 'investigated'. They implied that it was my daughter's fault for not being able to lock the door and that from now on she's going to be accompanied by an adult to the toilet. They said the boy's mother has been told but they're 'working on' an apology from him. They're also 'investigating' the member of staff who was told but did nothing.

I had no idea that the school even had unisex toilets as the ones I'd seen in Early Years were sexed. I'm horrified that the unisex toilets for young children are unmonitored and that the school has failed my daughter in allowing this to happen.

I've escalated the issue with the head but am expecting to be brushed off with a 'well we've sorted it now' as they've informed me that unisex toilets are apparently the norm. How do I go beyond the school? Who do I alert to this safeguarding failure?

Thanks

You would feel differently if you have ever had to climb over the top of a door and the rescue someone unconscious who has fallen against the door in a cubicle. I only saw as her blue arm was sticking through the door gap at the bottom.

They may seem safer but in real life they are not. Unfortunately if you are feeling unwell and head to the loo and collapse, you are at the mercy of someone noticing and being able to get to them like Emilia Clarke when she had a brain haemorrhage.

Unfortunately there are also court cases where disabled and non disabled women have been abused within a disabled toilet cubicle for the same reason - it’s private. At least one rape per school day happens inside a school premises in this country which seems too high but those are only the only that are reported (figures from 2015/16 discussed in Parliament). This is before it was more fashionable to have unisex toilets. Secondary school children who have to use the unisex toilets and teachers are reporting that pupils are getting pushed into them and you can’t tell how many are in there at one time. Self harm and drug taking are more likely to happen in a private space too.

@LittleCoffeePot I did post earlier, and there's been a lot of similar posts in the interim.

It doesn't sound as though so far the school have been properly proactive or have handled this well.

It doesn't matter when the incident happened, it matters that it happened at all.
Letting children so young access toilets alone, particularly those that are seemingly difficult to lock and unlock (or with faulty locks) is a risk to children- health & safety and safeguarding.
They need to update their procedures with immediate effect.
They need to investigate the matter thoroughly.
This matter needs to be reported by them to the Board of Governors.

Please don't let this drop.

@UseItOrloseItt It's disgusting how adamant you are in repeatedly underplaying this incident of young sexual harassment. Because that's exactly what it was- sexual harassment

We'll have to agree to disagree with that.

It doesn't sound in the least bit like sexual harrassment to me and it sound like the school are of the same feeling.

I take it you have not read ArabellaScott’s posts.

It may be embryonic, but it sexual harassment in essence.

The school can learn a lesson from this, and so can the boys in an age appropriate way.

The little girl and the other children can be protected in future.

The privacy of her body and its functions were intruded upon by a gang. woukd the gang of boys have done this to another boy? No. They needed her to be female to get their kicks

I'm assuming you've never met a six year old @ScrollingLeaves .

Just a reminder - they're SIX. I think the group of boys would have acted in the same way had it been a boy in the cubicle. You're talking about them as if they are teenagers with planned out sinister motives.

In this case it was wrong, mean, inappropriate, naughty, possibly bullying. Trying to shoehorn it into sexual harrassment is quite frankly ludicrous.

Why not read the NSPCC guidance and the statutory guidance I posted above.

Yes, I do know 6 year olds. I know these are just being naughty boys.

But these knew they were intruding on a girl in a private way, all be it in a childish form.

I also know that at this age they have been taught the ‘pants’ rule.
Not group- bashing into a little girl’s privacy when her pants will be down is part of what they need to learn.

And what about the little girl? Is she supposed to just shrug it off? Is that her lesson for the rules of life to come?

I have done.

It's referring to colour coded levels of sexual behaviour, what's considered normal etc.

As there's nothing that appears sexual in the boys' behaviour in full context of the situation, I don't see how it's relevant tbh. It's like reading a guide of what to look out for in motor development in toddlers when your concern is actually about their language.

They set up a girl in a confined space, waited til she was partially naked, and then burst in on her. They knew she was distressed and they knew why.

This was very calculated and deliberate transgressing of a girls boundaries by a group of boys.

We have a thread full of posters explaining how sexual harassment is about male power over women and girls, yet still you deny and minimise.

I’m not sure why you are still trying to reason with people when it’s clear that the mob mentality has won. Posters on this site enjoy classifying everything as abuse, and it looks like even 6 year olds are now deemed to have the awareness as older children. It’s so depressing that I will stop reading now so the echo chamber can be amongst itself. I have enjoyed your contributions though because they have been nuanced and reasonable.

'Enjoy classifying everything as abuse'

That is an absolutely vile thing to say.

Posters on this site enjoy classifying everything as abuse, and it looks like even 6 year olds are now deemed to have the awareness as older children. It’s so depressing that I will stop reading now so the echo chamber can be amongst itself

And I am sure everyone really admires you for riding rough shod over a thread started by someone asking for help.

If you have such strong views why haven't you started a thread about it instead of hijacking this one.

Talk about being oblivious.

No wonder OP is no longer participating in this thread.

I really wasn't downplaying the impact on the OPs daughter; bullying can have far-reaching emotional consequences, and be incredibly traumatic. I was simply disagreeing with the conclusion that it was sexual abuse. Ofc there could be a big back story but I can't assume this given the info in the OP.

OP I'm sorry this happened to your daughter, but seeing you standing up for her right to safety, privacy and dignity will be a huge life lesson in the fact that she doesn't have to put up with males invading her privacy and model the best possible response to future disrespectful men. I wish it hadn't happened to her, but I'm in awe of her Mama Tiger!
As for all the "experts" warbling on about what is and isn't sexual abuse, even though the incredible @ArabellaScott has posted the nspcc guidelines which suggest that it is, well, shame on the lot of them.

It's not necessary to use such disrespectful language.

Vile? I think it’s vile how anyone whose opinion differs from the group think is being attacked and ridiculed.

I did contribute to the thread and believe me, like the OP I would be absolutely furious if anything like this had happened to my daughter. But I also know the absolute stupidity that 6 year olds can come up with and I think this SH angle is absolutely distracting from the main problem (which is bullying). But go ahead, you won’t have to deal with my opinion.

Today I learned that carefully explaining how sexual harassment is about power and that a little girl's vulva being weaponised against her to shame her makes the incident automatically sexual will be slandered as "attack and ridicule".

I don’t get it

if the upset mother of a traumatised 6 year old thinks that the child has been sexually harassed what is the point of going on and in about how it can’t be sexual harassment

its supposed to be a support thread, make your point then walk away

and then the audacity to tone police

There are responses here that are really saying ‘boys will be boys’, with apparently no sense as to how what these boys did was a microcosmic version of what older boys will also do when they are being boys.

No one is asking the boys to be treated harshly, but for the school to take the incident seriously enough in terms of the children’s understanding.

The OP’s daughter had a horrendous experience. The school needs to learn from what has happened and set up future safeguarding.

Sorry I've been busy with bedtime etc and can't respond to lots of the posts in this thread.

But my main motivation in escalating this is what am I supposed to tell my daughter? There has been no acknowledgement or apology from the boys who did it. A teacher had a chat with him and his mother this morning but only after I complained.

A group of boys corners my daughter while she's on the toilet to ridicule her at her most vulnerable and I'm supposed to tell her it's okay? It's her fault for not being able to lock the door and for making the mistake of trusting him to hold the door? It's just boys being boys and it's normal? Her coming home in tears and feeling embarassed and ashamed going to the toilet at school is fine?

And then she tells a member of staff and nothing happens until I get involved. What message is she getting from the school about her safety and dignity? I dread to think what would have happened if she hadn't told me - squarely nothing. So far they've just wanted to cover their own arses and make sure they're 'following protocol' after the fact.

I don't know what I want the school to do but more than the nothingness they've done so far. I had to be the one to tell them the incident had actually happened and get them to do something about it. It's a shambles.

You probably need to have more of a think about what you want the school to do - eg you mention an apology from the boys.

Then, get hold of the school complaints policy and read it carefully. (It may even say that you need to set out what you think will resolve the complaint).

Ask for the matter to be dealt with under that policy. And if you aren’t satisfied with the resolution by the school there is a clear pathway for you to escalate it.

OP you are doing brilliantly. Your DD needs to know most of all that you have her back, and its clear that you do.

People who are qualified in safeguarding need to deal with this in a sensitive and age appropriate manner.

Wishing your DD all the very best. I hope she's okay. And let her know lots of women are angry on her behalf and are willing to fight for her. That's why we're all here, really.

The 'its her fault for not locking the door' comment made to you makes me feel fucking sick. Its like telling women they deserve to be harassed because they weren't careful enough. Fuck whoever said that to you. They should be fired.