Sexual harassed DD6 in unisex toilet

[LittleCoffeePot]

I initially posted this using a throwaway account in AIBU for traffic but it got derailed accusing me of lying and being obsessed with toilets(?) and my account deleted. This is my main account so I'm hoping this wont be deleted as I genuinely need help and advice.

Monday night, my DD6 comes and tells me that the week before, when using some unisex toilets for a different classroom at school that she wasn't familiar with, she was struggling to lock the door and a boy offered to hold the door. These unisex toilets are unsupervised. While using the toilet, the boy gathered a group of other boys and they opened the door twice to all laugh at her while she was on the toilet. She was in floods of tears telling me this and now doesn't want to use the toilet at school. She said she told a teacher or TA but they didn't do anything.

Obviously I immediately brought this up with the school and they have 'investigated'. They implied that it was my daughter's fault for not being able to lock the door and that from now on she's going to be accompanied by an adult to the toilet. They said the boy's mother has been told but they're 'working on' an apology from him. They're also 'investigating' the member of staff who was told but did nothing.

I had no idea that the school even had unisex toilets as the ones I'd seen in Early Years were sexed. I'm horrified that the unisex toilets for young children are unmonitored and that the school has failed my daughter in allowing this to happen.

I've escalated the issue with the head but am expecting to be brushed off with a 'well we've sorted it now' as they've informed me that unisex toilets are apparently the norm. How do I go beyond the school? Who do I alert to this safeguarding failure?

Thanks

There was a comment on your last thread about unisex toilets coming from the trans lobby. They have always been incredibly common in KS1 and EYFS settings. It's much easier to supervise if children don't have to leave the classroom so they are often at one end of it, opening onto the classroom space.

Yes; one victorious troll hunter even started a new thread crowing about it. I think it’s been deleted now as a TAAT.

Agree with pp. Mixed sex toilets are common practice for Y2 and below ime. Even when I was in school, toilets were mixed sex in Infants, separated in Juniors (Y3 upwards).

Ds3 is in Y2 and they have mixed toilets. Plus all the children get undressed and dressed together for PE / concerts etc. Because they're little children.

Go on the GIAS website, and get the names of the chair of governors,and, if there is one, the Local Authority governor. On the school website there should be the name of the safeguarding lead. Send an email to them setting out what happened, don't be fobbed off and if you don't get a response, copy it to Ofsted.

My child had her first seizure out of the blue. 1 in 106 people have epilepsy. As a teacher, a child had a hypo. Another fainted after feeling ill and hit her head. Enclosed mixed sex toilets make it dangerous for children who have medical conditions, known or unknown. My child was not allowed to use the disabled toilet and had to use the girls because of the door gap and visibility.

I keep repeating on here because it’s life saving to have properly designed public toilets.

Ask the head for a copy of the school complaints policy. Ask how they are going to keep your child safe and prevent this happening again- without singling her out. Ask how they will prevent this happening to other children.

They cannot tell you about how they are addressing this with the children involved other than in broad terms. But they can show that they have considered how the incident happened and how they can minimise the risk of it happening again.

If you are not happy with the heads response, submit a formal complaint. There is usually a process where a senior member of staff investigated and then if you are not satisfied with the response you can escalate it to governors.

Bloody hell.

Both at what your DD has experienced and the continuing posts trying to detail the thread.

This school has sexed toilets for Early Years and as I said, this unisex toilet was not in a classroom. They told me it happened inbetween the end of the lesson and the start of break time so no one else was in the corridor and it was unmonitored.

What's worse is that the member of staff did nothing which is why I think she didn't mention it for so long. This happened on either Monday or Tuesday last week as DD was off on Wednesday and Thursday as she was ill. Although now I'm questioning if this incident was part of her feeling ill and not wanting to go in. She perked up on Friday but it was Red Nose Day so she was excited.

The unisex toilet thing may be a bit of a red herring - exactly the same thing happened to me at school nearly sixty years ago, when toilets were very definitely segregated, and a bunch of older girls threw open the toilet door and made fun of me sitting there.

It affected me deeply (and might still do, although I don't have problems using a public toilet now). Your poor daughter. I wouldn't make a thing of the sex of the toilets, but I would expect an apology and it sounds as though the school might need to make the toilet doors easier to lock.

I've done cleaning jobs in lots of primary schools and agree this is the norm in reception and year one.

the continuing posts trying to detail the thread

You mean the ones pointing out that this wasn't SH?

Sexual Harrassment isn't a flippant term to be used whenever a boy says something mean to a girl. It's got meaning...a meaning I can only assume that some pp's are unaware of.

And misusing it (significantly in this case) minimises and lessens the meaning of the term which is extremely damaging to women and girls. And also bloody insulting to those that have actually experienced sexual harassment.

Forgive any repeating of advice as I've just read OPs posts.

1. I'm not sure if your presence on SN boards applies to your DD but if so, then her needs are a relevant factor in how this was handled. Just thinking about the locking of the door. If it isn't easy/accessible that in itself is an issue.
2. If you don't have it already, make sure you have access to the school's complaints policy. Check how the issue has been handled so far- is it in line with the policy?
3. Ditto school's safeguarding policy
4. Next point of escalation, in the event of an unsatisfactory outcome would be to raise with the board of governors.
5. Re above- school should be raising with governors themselves anyway because of the safeguarding issue. Check this in the meeting if you can, or follow up straight afterwards.

The school my DC attended had unisex toilets BUT they were off the classrooms (via a lobby). A member of staff would permit one child at a time in there. Corridor toilets were supervised by lunchtime staff in that they'd count children in/out and intervene if any issues. However, the corridor toilets were single sex spaces.

It might or might not be sexual harassment (depends on if it was voyeurism or not, it definitely would be such if the boys were adolescent or adults), it is definitely a safeguarding issue.

How old was the boy? I also think its border line sexual harassment, she was undressed and being stared at, so quite possible there was a sexual/power element to it. I was repeatedly sexually assaulted by a boy in my class at that age (kept grabbing me between my legs) so it happens, that's not 'too young'.

The boy is also 6. What really bothers me is getting others to come and look at her. She wasn't sure exactly how many other boys were out there but roughly 3/4

Ds3 is in Y2 and they have mixed toilets. Plus all the children get undressed and dressed together for PE / concerts etc. Because they're little children

I remember this at school and the boys calling ‘boobies!’

of course it was sexual harassment and the boy concerned needs a punishment.

You can't actually see anything when someone is on the toilet. I imagine the little toerag would have done this to a girl or a boy because looking at someone on the toilet and making them cry is 'funny' to some kids.

OP, it was bullying. Not sure about sexual harassment. I think school need to be insisting on an apology though.

Don't make it into a bigger deal than it actually is though. Bullying in a toilet area is bad enough and that child should be dealt with - although he is 6, so it needs to be proportionate to his age. You don't want them to think you turn everything into something sexual because you need to be able to use that when it actually is harassment which can occur in the older age groups.

You described the toilet as being a self-contained room off a corridor. I am not a supporter of mixed sex toilets but this seems to be one unisex toilet which would be acceptable (for example it might also be an accessible toilet for that part of the school). The issue is the school's response to very unpleasant bullying. I think you need to focus on the school's inadequate response to the bullying. The school also needs to have toilet locks that a six year old can operate. I'm so sorry your daughter has been treated like this op. I hope you can get a resolution to this.

a corridor of sinks? or is it a single loo with a sink in it?

Hi all,
Apologies for having deleted your other thread, LittleCoffeePot, but it's to be expected that when users create throwaway accounts there will be little quarter given. Do remember that we are quite unusual in allowing MNers to change their names if they have something more personal they wish to discuss, precisely to avoid these situations.
We hope you find the advice and support you were looking for.

Thank you, sorry I thought name changing meant making a whole new account. Does this mean that my original thread and account will be reinstated?

I can't see how it's not sexual harrassment, particularly encouraging only other boys to come and join in? And equally the way he offered to help her only to abuse her trust at a particularly vulnerable moment which he knows should be private?

As far as I know, it's a single loo with a contained sink inside that leads out on to a corrirdor. Her class recently moved to this area, I think it was an extension sort of tagged on to the side of the building.

I'm not giving an opinion, I'm saying it's common below juniors. I've seen it in many, many schools. I'm not bothering to read that link but generally drug dealing and drink aren't an issue in infant toilets.

Are unisex toilets away from the main classroom the norm? And is it normal to expect 5 and 6 year olds to use these unsupervised? This was my main issue talking to the school earlier where they tried to place the blame on DD for not being able to lock it.

I'm not being goady, I genuinely don't know. It's been a long time since I was at school.