Sexual harassed DD6 in unisex toilet

[LittleCoffeePot]

I initially posted this using a throwaway account in AIBU for traffic but it got derailed accusing me of lying and being obsessed with toilets(?) and my account deleted. This is my main account so I'm hoping this wont be deleted as I genuinely need help and advice.

Monday night, my DD6 comes and tells me that the week before, when using some unisex toilets for a different classroom at school that she wasn't familiar with, she was struggling to lock the door and a boy offered to hold the door. These unisex toilets are unsupervised. While using the toilet, the boy gathered a group of other boys and they opened the door twice to all laugh at her while she was on the toilet. She was in floods of tears telling me this and now doesn't want to use the toilet at school. She said she told a teacher or TA but they didn't do anything.

Obviously I immediately brought this up with the school and they have 'investigated'. They implied that it was my daughter's fault for not being able to lock the door and that from now on she's going to be accompanied by an adult to the toilet. They said the boy's mother has been told but they're 'working on' an apology from him. They're also 'investigating' the member of staff who was told but did nothing.

I had no idea that the school even had unisex toilets as the ones I'd seen in Early Years were sexed. I'm horrified that the unisex toilets for young children are unmonitored and that the school has failed my daughter in allowing this to happen.

I've escalated the issue with the head but am expecting to be brushed off with a 'well we've sorted it now' as they've informed me that unisex toilets are apparently the norm. How do I go beyond the school? Who do I alert to this safeguarding failure?

Thanks

All the boys who gathered should be made to realise this is not a normal or polite behaviour

This is the statutory guidance for schools and colleges.

'Sexual harassment452.
When referring to sexual harassment we mean ‘unwanted conduct of a sexual nature’ that can occur online and offline and both inside and outside of school/college. When we reference sexual harassment, we do so in the context of child-on-child sexual harassment. Sexual harassment is likely to: violate a child’s dignity, and/or make them feel intimidated, degraded or humiliated and/or create a hostile, offensive or sexualised environment.
453.
Whilst not intended to be an exhaustive list, sexual harassment can include:

• Sexual comments, such as: telling sexual stories, making lewd comments, making sexual remarks about clothes and appearance and calling someone sexualised names;
• Sexual “jokes” or taunting;
• Physical behaviour, such as: deliberately brushing against someone, interfering with someone’s clothes. Schools and colleges should be considering when any of this crosses a line into sexual violence – it is important to talk to and consider the experience of the victim;
• Displaying pictures, photos or drawings of a sexual nature;
• Upskirting (this is a criminal offence [137]); and
• Online sexual harassment. This may be standalone, or part of a wider pattern of sexual harassment and/or sexual violence. [138] It may include:
• Consensual and non-consensual sharing of nude and semi-nude images and/or videos. [139] Taking and sharing nude photographs of U18s is a criminal offence. UKCIS Sharing nudes and semi-nudes: advice for education settings working with children and young people provides detailed advice for schools and colleges;
• Sharing of unwanted explicit content;
• Sexualised online bullying;
• Unwanted sexual comments and messages, including, on social media;
• Sexual exploitation; coercion and threats; and
• Coercing others into sharing images of themselves or performing acts they’re not comfortable with online.

[137] The Voyeurism (Offences) Act 2019 which amends the Sexual Offences Act 2003 to make upskirting a specific offence of voyeurism. The Act came into force on 12 April 2019. [138] Project deSHAME from Childnet provides useful research, advice and resources regarding online sexual harassment. [139] Consensual image sharing, especially between older children of the same age, may require a different response. It might not be abusive – but children still need to know it is illegal- whilst non-consensual is illegal and abusive. 454. It is important that schools and colleges consider sexual harassment in broad terms. Sexual harassment (as set out above) creates a culture that, if not challenged, can normalise inappropriate behaviours and provide an environment that may lead to sexual violence.'

If parents like you were the majority, then we may, just may, have a chance to make safeguarding women and girls an actual thing that all of society saw as important and essential. Unfortunately, there seems to be an awful lot of parents who believe the following (and I quote):

"If the other parent or school came at me with ridiculous terms like sexual harassment over this incident, that would be the end of the conversation or any cooperation from our side"

That they not only hold these opinions, but also see fit to come to the FWR board to spout this misogynistic shite, is mind boggling. And depressing.

I don't think calling it bullying is downplaying it. One of my kids was badly bullied in KS2 and was suicidal. When your 9 year old is selfharming and threatening suicide it really isn't something trivial. I think the one downplaying something is you, down playing bullying is dangerous.

It was a violation of a girl's private space when her body was exposed. Of course she experienced it as a form of sexual harassment.

They needed her to be female to get their fun.

If the other parent or school came at me with ridiculous terms like sexual harassment over this incident, that would be the end of the conversation or any cooperation from our side.

in my opinion your statement comes across as very belittling of that girl and highly dismissive and enabling of outrageously bad behaviour on the part of those boys.

I know I’d have been absolutely mortified had I been her.

If my son did that with a gang of boys, I would be deeply worried that he had strayed so far from what is acceptable in his behaviour, that I’d be deeply concerned about his character.

Well exactly. Those on the thread saying is might just be misbehaviour aren't condoning it, just saying they wouldn't necessarily class it as sexual behaviour. It doesn't mean the school shouldn't come down on it like a tonne of bricks, but equally unless there are other concerns it is unlikely to be enough evidence of unusual sexualised activity to warrant any more than the incident being recorded (in addition to a sanction I mean). I'm not sure what posters are expecting. Thresholds for exclusion or social care involvement are insanely high. There's not a chance this would be taken on even by Early Help as evidence the boys have been exposed to something they shouldn't have been.

That poster didn't say, or imply, that.
Your username is very apt.
Or, you're being deliberately obtuse. Not sure which is worse.

What a very unkind response to someone who is just sharing her opinion and her experience of a very difficult time for her own child.

Did you miss where I said bullying that embarrasses someone is just as bad as what happened to OP's child?

FTR downplaying bullying is the last thing I'd do. I've been on the receiving end as child AND adult.

You don't understand the past tense do you. Says a lot about you.

She specifically said it was downplaying it.

So why say it was downplaying it?

The importance of recognising that this is sexualised behaviour, transgressing boundaries, invading OP's DD's privacy, shaming her, embarrassing her, and making her feel terrible when she is exposed is important because THIS IS HOW IT STARTS.

Rape culture starts with 'boys being boys' and minimising this as just being 'silly'.

It's deliberate humiliation. It needs to be addressed for what it is. This may mean staff sensitively looking into the reasons why these boys behaved like this.

Don't worry someone who doesn't understand the difference between am and was isn't really worth taking any notice of.

Nobody would suggest 6 year old boys need to be reported to the police or expelled.

The school has to acknowledge the issue, and look into it. Ask why this has happened. Above all, OP's DD needs to know that the adults tasked with caring for her will not permit her to be attacked, abused, mocked, or made to feel bad.

She's lucky she's got her mum fighting for her.

I’m sorry to hear this, your poor dd

I’m sure there’s good advice from pp

For it to be sexual harrassment there would need to be some kind of sexual element or intent behind his action wouldn't there? Or was he just being mean and naughty? There are silly mean naughty kids who mock other kids in the toilets, doesnt necessarily translate into sexual harrasment. Remember he's only 6. The school staff are best placed to make the call about what this is, they know him, you presumably don't? Either way there needs to be an apology, stern talking too and maybe his parents informed too.

Finally they are key stage 1 and yes at our school the toilets are mixed sex for that age.

Safeguarding and supporting the victim 531.
The following principles are based on effective safeguarding practice and should help shape any decisions regarding safeguarding and supporting the victim.

• The needs and wishes of the victim should be paramount (along with protecting the child) in any response. It is important they feel in as much control of the process as is reasonably possible. Wherever possible, the victim, if they wish, should be able to continue in their normal routine. Overall, the priority should be to make the victim’s daily experience as normal as possible, so that the school or college is a safe space for them;
• Consider the age and the developmental stage of the victim, the nature of the allegation(s) and the potential risk of further abuse. Schools and colleges should be aware that, by the very nature of sexual violence and sexual harassment, a power imbalance is likely to have been created between the victim and alleged perpetrator(s);
• The victim should never be made to feel they are the problem for making a report or made to feel ashamed for making a report;

https://www.keepingchildrensafeineducation.co.uk/part_five_ch_sex_viol.html#ongoing

#BeKind? Grow up.
I did not comment on the opinion or experience (I have also had a suicidal child if you want to play top trumps). I was commenting on the accusation the other PP was downplaying it when they were not - doing so is not a 'good faith' post.

OP, I've found a phrase which may be useful for you.

Harmful or Problematic Sexual Behaviour is what the statutory guidance uses. The school's safeguarding lead should be trained in this.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/harmful-sexual-behaviour

Grow up. Cool. Didn't say anything about #BeKind which, incidentally, I think is nonsense. Just didn't think calling a poster talking about a very awful time in her family a fool was a justified response to her sharing her opinion, which is as valid as yours.

And there is a useful section on behaviour, with a good description of what is normal, problematic, and harmful.

'Harmful (red) behaviours

Red sexualised behaviours are harmful to the child who displays them, as well as the people the behaviour is displayed towards. At the NSPCC, we refer to all red sexual behaviours as ‘harmful sexual behaviour’ (HSB). Hackett divides these into 'abusive' and 'violent' behaviours.

• Abusive behaviour
• Intrusive behaviour.
• May involve a misuse of power.
• May have an element of victimisation.
• May use coercion and force.
• May include elements of expressive violence.
• Informed consent has not been given (or the victim was not able to consent freely).'

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/harmful-sexual-behaviour/understanding/

Hello!

OP has already had a thread hijacked and came here to try and get support.

For all those who want to have a discussion about what is or is not sexual harrassment why not have a thread about it.

Expressing an opinion once fine but to then persist at the expense of OP looking for support just seems totally inconsiderate.

And doesn't help OP or her DD.

Thank you for bringing this clarity to the thread. Perhaps it provide the OP with what she needs to approach the head teacher or governors with her complaint.

They teach the ‘pants’ rule at this age. The little girl is supposed to be able to insist on her own privacy away from intruding boys even if they are young.

This is important:
It is important that schools and colleges consider sexual harassment in broad terms. Sexual harassment (as set out above) creates a culture that, if not challenged, can normalise inappropriate behaviours and provide an environment that may lead to sexual violence.'

I am leaving this thread as some of the posts on here are just appalling. OP I am so sorry that this happened to your little daughter. Ignore the minimising fuckwits on here, you know what's right.

They teach the ‘pants’ rule at this age. The little girl is supposed to be able to insist on her own privacy away from intruding boys even if they are young.

Yes they do, dd knows this, she’s a similar age