Year 8 trans child - in secret

[WoollyMammoth1]

The recent news article about the trans child at a primary school made me think of sharing a similar story at my DD school, big difference being is that's a secondary school.
DD is in year 8, there's a child in her year that identifies as a girl but is a boy. No one at school, besides staff knows, DD doesn't know either as whilst I feel bad withholding the information, I don't want her to keep this secret at school.

The child has a sibling at the school, who calls him by his girl name. They change in the disabled changing room and use the disabled toilet.

I found out through social media, the parent came up as a possible contact, their profile is open and there were many pictures of her children when younger making it very clear. Absolutely no doubt.

When I first found out, I researched and found there is little I can do. The child's rights seem to trump all others.

DD and the child started building a friendship last year, but this went sour. Which I am glad for considering the circumstances.

My issue here is the deceit and secrecy. Non of the year group know the child is a boy which is such an obvious safeguarding risk, and once they find out they'll feel betrayed. Any friendships are based on a lie. And I feel like I am condoning the situation by not saying anything, esp to DD.

The child lives further from school then most other kids, likely to try and ensure there were no other children at the school that might know them.

It feels wrong to keep things quiet, esp for my daughters, and other girls in her year's sake, so hoping that someone here may have some good ideas in where to go from here.

(Long term Mumsnetter, name changed for this post)

So speaking the truth is malicious?

is it bollocks!

Uncomfortable maybe

Upsetting could be

But don't we being up children to understand that lying is bad and you should always tell the truth? So how can the truth be malicious? It's just the truth!

A child transitioned in DS’s year. Perhaps the difference was that they did start at senior school as their pre transition sex and it was very open at school. School were very supportive and provided toilet/changing room, but the parents were not involved.
My DS mentioned it in passing early on but the child involved was quite fluid early on, eventually settling on the transition gender towards sixth form.
Without all the fuss of parents throwing in their views, the children actually learnt a great deal about diversity and tolerance. I don’t think for one minute that most of them believe that you can change sex ( bright kids in a very traditional independent school), but the level of acceptance was something we can all learn from.

The individual wasn’t in the least bit interested in trying to indoctrinate their peers, they just asked for understanding and acceptance.

In contrast a neighbouring school reacted to a trans pupil by announcing it from the roof tops, involving parents in the arrangements and generally making a big deal. Parents were up in arms lots of complaints and major discussions.

DS’s school had introduced policies before any changes were made. DS’s year were very protective over the trans pupil.
I remember on prom night I was taking DS and two friends (all big rugby players) to the venue and one calmly said “ Do you think xxxxx will wear a dress or a suit?” they all agreed that they hoped they would wear the outfit appropriate to their chosen gender.
I think after all the lockdowns they were all very much more sympathetic to others who had struggled in some way.

As long as school have put in place policies to deal with the situation I really don't think that you should be getting involved.
Although it’s a secret to you it may not be a secret to the pupils. Children are far more accepting than adults. It’s just not newsworthy to them.

There is a very big difference between an individual privately transitioning, whether we agree with it or not, and the militant trans groups often discussed on MN. Living and identifying as trans through probably the most turbulent period of your life, the teens, is actually incredible brave and whether it is dysmorphia or not, it is to be admired.

but the level of acceptance was so merging we can all learn from.

What does this mean?

Sorry I’ve corrected it. It should have said something.

Yet again the only concern is that the trans child's sense of self be affirmed. No consideration given to what accepting "a boy who feels more like he thinks girls feel is a girl" means for actual girls, not just in terms of physical provisions but in terms of their own sense of self.

Adults validating that feminine boys are really girls are validating that girls are people who look, act and feel feminine. What a horrible, diminishing, sexist message to give to children!

bright kids in a very traditional independent school

The implication being that stupid kids can't understand?

School were very supportive and provided toilet/changing room, but the parents were not involved.

Schools should be adopting this highly damaging approach behind the backs of parents?

As long as school have put in place policies to deal with the situation I really don't think that you should be getting involved.

As long as it's not your child eh?

There is a very big difference between an individual privately transitioning, whether we agree with it or not,

How was this child "privately transitioning" when you have just written about all the school and pupils knowing?

*The individual wasn’t in the least bit interested in trying to indoctrinate their peers, they just asked for understanding and acceptance."

How do you know when "My DS mentioned it in passing early on"

You seem disinterested and only here to explain that "bright kids" didn't bother to discuss it with parents who don't really care anyway.

Even intelligent students can be misdirected. My niece who has an A level in biology believes that reassignment surgery also changes the chromosomes too. She was at uni pre covid when the brainwashing was at its height.
I was referring to the reluctance of independent schools to participate in gender education.

You seem to have gone out of your way to say it's non of parents business.

A lot of parents never realised. The children didn’t think it was a big deal. There was very little gender fluidity in DS’s year, unless you count the rugby team dressing up as Disney princesses for the last day of school.
DS only mentioned in reference to a lesson where he sat next to the trans student. He has a dry sense of humour, and joked about never knowing which name to use for the student, since some days he was a “George “ and other days she was “Alice” ( not actually names) I was confused and he explained.

The trans student did experience some bullying, but had plenty of support from both the girls and boys. They had a close friendship group, how the parents of that group managed I have no idea. I didn’t ask and DS never talked about it.

Unless your child is a friend of the trans child why would it be any of your business. As long as the school has a robust policy re female only spaces then why would you be interested.

Well, as a Christian, I don’t find your parallel apt. I can’t prove to an atheist that my God exists, it’s a spiritual concept, not a matter of hard genetic fact. I appreciate it when the atheists refrain from insulting my personal truth by telling me that God doesn’t exist, but that’s not because it matters two hoots to me whether you think it’s true or not, just that it saves a load of argument in which I have no interest.

But for every mammal ( including the much over quoted instances with chromosomal or physical differences from the norm) two sexes are necessary for reproduction, and every individual is one of the two forms, intrinsic and un changeable at the basic cellular level. Or so Dawkins and Winston say. It really doesn’t matter whether you ‘believe’ it.

Ah okay so your son wasn't bothered, he has a dry sense of humour and so obviously that's far more important than anything any of the girls and their parents might want to say.

Thank goodness for intelligent boys and their dry sense of humor about what happens to girls at school, that their parents so admire

What is this childish stuff about secrets? First rule of safeguarding, never promise a child to keep a secret. It puts them at risk. Let alone ask them to keep a secret about a classmate when as is inevitable some of them find out. Stop it. This is in nobody's interests.

This is a fairly old thread but it popped up for me as similar to another one I was reading.
My DC2 was at school with a boy who thought he was a girl and whose mum told him he could be when he was 6. My DC1 was actually in the same year but moved school in Juniors. DC2 told me "there isn't a boy called X in year 4 but there is a girl" and I told DC2 that no, X is a boy, and X's mum told him he can be a girl.

I had a lengthy thread at the time (when DC1 was in the same class) and it was removed due to my comments about the parent being deemed to break the MN guidelines so I will not comment on the parent but just to say I told my DC2 even though officially the only way I knew was that another parent in DC1's year told me their child had been shown a video about "a boy who was really unhappy unless he could wear pink and play with dollies so he knew he was a girl".

The school did not tell us though they did tell the children because his mum transitioned him during the school year. I felt it was my duty to tell my DC2 as they deserve to know the facts about a school mate. DC1 was having none of it so didn't need telling!

X has now moved on to secondary and I imagine is showing signs of male puberty because X would not have been able to move up the GIDS waiting list in time to get puberty blockers based on when he would have been old enough and when GIDS closed. Hopefully going through puberty will be enough for X to desist, as possibly with the child at your DC's school.

It was really clear that X's estranged dad didn't want a gay son.