The Asexual spectrum.

[TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening]

I've been informed recently about this.
I thought it was had no sexual feelings, or had sex, but apparently not.
Now I know better.

I absolutely didn't laugh, promise.

When I was a teen, everyone drank tea. You’d visit someone for a cup of tea. People asked how you take your tea. I was the only person I knew who didn’t take tea and had to defend myself against the myriad suggestions- have you tried it with sugar? What about really milky? Or perhaps black?

I didn’t realise I was being oppressed!

I LOVE sex, would prefer it 2/3 times a day BUT only when I'm in a safe, committed, mutually exclusive, loving relationship. I don't do casual sex...not because I don't want to but because I don't want to be used or use anyone. I turn down casual sex because it's the right thing to do for me, even though it's not easy.

This led to a bisexual, polyamorous who marrried the only man she ever dated and who has never ever had a sexual relationship with a woman or a poly relationship in all her life acquaintance feeling the need to label me (because labels are helpful hun) as being "on the asexual spectrum".

I tried to explain, I like sex but I choose to wait for an emotional connection and commitment because that seems sensible and avoids me getting hurt and she declared that this was not normal and that really I was demisexual and it would be helpful for me and future partners if I embraced the label and came out as I am obviously queer.

With a straight face, I sat my then boyfriend down and told him I'd recently discovered I was demisexual. He went pale, held my hand, gulped and said ever so gently, "ok...ok...and what exactly does that mean?" I said "it's a form of asexuality..."

and I swear blind, I have never seen a man look more confused in my entire life as he was definitely thinking, "she doesn't seem asexual".

Then I continued with the explanation and notified him that our mutual acquaintance needed me and him to be aware of my queer asexual nature as labels are helpful.

He roared with laughter and said, "nahhhh,
you just have standards, honey. What a load of shit! That's not a thing. Demisexual."

Cue more laughter.

Because I never talked about our sex life, she also dragged me into a sex shop and tried to convince me that I needed to buy a load of stuff in there and "try BDSM". She was into rimming and choking and anyone who didn't enjoy licking arseholes and almost dying during sex was "vanilla".
I told her I didn't need any of that stuff. "Ugh. You two are SUCH PRUDES!!!"
No, we're really not. We just don't NEED. Any of THAT stuff.

"Seriously. You're SO buttoned up. UGH. I just want to shake the two of you!!!"

No. We're happy. REALLY HAPPY.

I told him afterwards that she had now declared we needed to shake things up sexually. He roared with laughter again, said the world wasn't ready for that and that he, and I seemed pretty happy with the "organic, free-range" sex we were having and next time I should tell her that if she needed a suitcase full of props then she probably wasn't doing it right and was overcompensating.

Some people just need to label and declare every little thing about their sexuality and sex life. Being private and discreet
= completely void of all sexual desire and excitement in their world. It's really, really patronising and boring.

But, you know, gotta wave your little flag and all that...

But why? Why this obsession with sharing your intimate feelings? I don’t look at people and wonder who they are having sex with, if they don’t want sex, if they loathe sex. I’m just not that invested!

Why did that remind me of this...

🤣

I don’t like tea and I didn’t want children; two things that seem to apply almost universally and it’s assumed that most people like them.

Do I win the Most Oppressed prize now?

But why? Why this obsession with sharing your intimate feelings? I don’t look at people and wonder who they are having sex with, if they don’t want sex, if they loathe sex. I’m just not that invested

It's not about you. The naming of asexuality as a part of human experience is a positive step because it helps asexual people feel OK about themselves and not force themselves into distressing situations in their quest to be 'normal'. Personal validation. In a way it is no different to neurodiversity.

But you're also quite right about the obsession with sharing personal info that really is TMI, and about the demand for public validation or celebration.

What I shared wasn't, NOT having sex though.
It was someone describing themselves as queer, when they are no such thing.

I'm not entirely sure what queer is now, but I'm fairly sure it's not only having sex when your husband initiates.

I don't like coffee, or kids, and I've got one, so no!

Well, your lack of acceptance of my oppression is making me feel oppressed <sulks>

Yep.

i'm sure it's the same for demisexual. Having to explain why you're not acting like a porn star.

Prior to the porn saturated Internet, women weren't expected to be up for sex every five seconds. And previous to that it was quite the opposite in fact.

I'm quite certain that young women today feel they have to explain, or more likely justify, why they don't want sex with people on the first date, or different people. In a way I don't blame them for inventing labels to excuse themselves.

I do blame them for making it into a big deal, though. And for co-opting the term coming out, ffs. Who exactly would be interested in knowing that you don't really walk around getting turned on, unless someone starts to press the right buttons? Other than the person doing the pressing?

Long-time FWR lurker here.

I'm probably a little younger than many posters, and my generation tends to like the "queer" labels moreso than previous generations. For most of my adult life, I've considered myself asexual but I've quietly dropped the label in recent years. A few of my reasons have already been discussed in the thread:

• Forced teaming with LGBT. I just don't see how little to no sexual attraction / libido relates to LGB struggles for acceptance, and it certainly has nothing to do with trans. In fact I had a few occasions where trans people, supposedly inclusive of all identities, clearly considered my sexual identity (or lack thereof) an obstacle to their gratification.
• An inability to state the above point, as it is considered a bigoted and "exclusionary" view.
• Being "outed" or claimed by LGBT acquaintances who wanted to claim me as part of the community, when I did not want to be part of the community and did not relate to the often quite sexualised "Pride subculture".
• Scolding along the lines of "asexuals can still like and desire sex!" when I expressed a belief otherwise. It made me realise the label is essentially pointless as its meaning is entirely subjective (much like a lot of other modern identities).
• Realising low sexual desire is very normal for women.
• Realising low sexual desire is very normal for those of us with autism and / or ADHD.
• The existence of "heteroromantic asexual" (i.e. interested in women romantically but not sexually) men. I can't speak for every man who identifies this way, but I felt instinctively uncomfortable around a few of them. It made me realise that for some men, it may just be a prop to let a woman's guard down.
• The forced "team queer" which gives everyone the same struggles whether or not they fit. I've seen people from religious backgrounds who think the church hates them because they're "queer", but they're asexual. I can't see the theological debates around gay sex pertaining to asexual people in any way, and in fact the Bible is quite happy for people to stay single.
• The risk of "becoming" the label so you can't change your mind later. I realised this year that I want to get married and have kids. Holding on to an asexual identity was actually holding me back from self growth and self discovery. If you're in your 50s, that's one thing. If you're in your early 20s, the chances are you haven't quite finished cooking.

I don't mind if people call themselves asexual. If an experience exists, there can be a word for it. My biggest issue is the constant forced teaming, all the allegiances that demands, and the sense of victimhood that is almost forced upon you by said forced teaming.

I often wonder if some of these people will wake up one day and go "Fuck me, I've been a right self absorbed cunt haven't I?"

Dunno. Does 'self-absorbed cunt' have a pretty flag and days of remembrance for self-absorbed cunts who have in someway made the ultimate sacrifice?

Oh noez, did I genocide you.
So sorry.

The risk of "becoming" the label so you can't change your mind later. I realised this year that I want to get married and have kids. Holding on to an asexual identity was actually holding me back from self growth and self discovery. If you're in your 50s, that's one thing. If you're in your early 20s, the chances are you haven't quite finished cooking. If you're in your early 20s, the chances are you haven't quite finished cooking.

Hell, yes!

This drive to label every aspect of normal development and instantly cement it is disastrous for our young people.

I think a lot of younger people are thinking about the term "sexuality" very differently than a lot of older people did.For example, there is now a huge cohort of people identifying as bisexual who, in the past, would probably say that they experimented a bit when young but now consider themselves either gay or straight. Or even people who feel they are slightly attracted to th eodd very good-looking film star. Or even would just be open to a same sex encounter if a suitably attractive person came around.

Maybe this should be no surprise, as there isn't any very good scientific or objective definition of sexuality anyway. Nor much understanding about the roots of sexuality, be they biological or cultural. What is clear is that it's quite a modern way to conceptualize people's types of attraction.

As soon as identity becomes the most important way for people to know about themselves, and to structure their social relations, and also to access political power, all kinds of crazy things become possible.

Slight derail, but I frequently wonder if my high functioning ADHD is in reality so close to the normal range that getting diagnosed has made my life harder. Like with sexuality labels, it was very in vogue in my old peer group, to have ADHD or autism. I wish I'd waited until my brain had stopped developing—I've grown out of a lot of it now, but the subconscious expectations of what I'm capable of doing have stuck. Sexual identities can be dropped if you change your mind, but diagnoses last a lifetime.

If I collect enough oppression points can I get a set of whine glasses?

What's this got to do with feminism?
Genuine question.
People being asexual affects women's safety how?
Or is it just take the piss out of anything deemed LGBT+ now and anything goes

Because there is always something that is more important than women’s rights. Women’s rights might just be edging its way to the top of the priority list and then along comes something else to push it back down the list again. Look how since TQA+ have been added to the initialism the L at the beginning has been completely ignored.

If being asexual isn’t that big a deal, why does it need to be added to the initialism and why does it need a campaign by people like Stonewall?

Because there is always something that is more important than women’s rights
Who's said it's more important?
Also being asexual has what to do with women's safety? (still unclear on that bit as that's where the usual concerns lie)

This little corner is ...'and gender'.
This thread is a light-hearted but disgruntled comment on the conflation of sexuality & gender imo.

It doesn’t have a direct effect on women’s safety, but the instillation of Queer Theory into society and subsequent legislation does. People are actively campaigning for people who aren’t that into sex to be protected against some mythical discrimination. It just renders everything meaningless doesn’t it?

Who says it’s more important?

What has Stonewall done for the L recently?

I'll admit I laughed at the one that was 'Your sexuality can't be expressed with words'.

Just got a mental image of some sort of a Woke Support Group where everyone's sitting in a circle taking turns to talk about their sexual identity and it just gets to this one guy and he just gets up - and does a performative dance.

(And then sits back down to an outpouring of people giving it 'its so true, so raw, we SEE you brother-mister-sister, we SEE you').

😂of course a flag says more than a thousand words....or the medium of interpretative dance.

This!!!!!!!