Dating as a TERF

NightmareGirl · 14/12/2023 19:43

I looked up what TERF means. It might be the radical feminist part that scares them off ?

Feliciacat · 14/12/2023 19:44

Hello! This is a totally different thing but I didn’t want to read and run; I put my deafness on my dating profile so that I knew anyone who went on a date with me was ok about the deafness. I know being a TERF and being deaf have nothing to do with each other but my point is; always be upfront so you know people are ok with you as you are.

I was 32 then, I got married to DH aged 35 so it worked! Dating apps are tough and there will be so much ghosting and poor behaviour. Stick with it and be ruthless. Move to the next one if one doesn’t work out.

redlavender · 14/12/2023 19:47

No idea what a terf is, but why is it relevant to mention it?

Feliciacat · 14/12/2023 19:49

@redlavender TERF stands for trans exclusionary radical feminist. Basically a TERF does not believe trans women are women and does not include trans women in women’s spaces.

Froodwithatowel · 14/12/2023 20:00

Basically a 'terf' is a term of abuse for a woman who thinks that women's rights and access needs are equal to those of men, regardless of how those men choose to identify. And usually thinks that children deserve safeguarding as a priority over adults' political views.

It's an interesting way to announce yourself to a potential partner, but no, I would not be interested in any partner who believed it was important to exclude vulnerable women from anything and endanger them, so that male people do not have to encounter limits to their choices or accept that other people have needs equal to theirs. If that led to a small dating pool, then that's fine with me, I'll wait for the partner who isn't sexist and doesn't believe that people born with penises matter and those without don't.

27icey · 14/12/2023 20:07

This is so weird. I'm not sure why you would announce something like that and using a derogatory term? Most men don't give a shit, are ignorant of the issues, or are vaguely gender critical as well.

OhcantthInkofaname · 14/12/2023 20:07

TERFisTHEnewTREND · 14/12/2023 19:39

I'm a 34 year old female. I'm currently dating via Tinder.

When the gender issue has come up and I've mentioned that I'm a TERF, a lot of men have disengaged from me. I once went on three dates with a man, we got on great, and then when I mentioned my views on gender ideology, he ghosted me after!

Do you mention your stance up front or do you wait? I don't want to date anyone who thinks humans can change sex, is it worth stating this on my profile?

Any help/ advice/ insights appreciated.

Quit referring to yourself as a terf. The term is gender critical. I am gender critical. Proud to support the LGB community but not those who invade female spaces.

Feliciacat · 14/12/2023 20:12

My apologies for freely using the term TERF in my earlier posts given that it is considered offensive. The OP sounded like this was what they called themselves so I followed that lead. Gender critical is a better term though and may mean that people who google it will get a less vitriolic portrayal of your beliefs than if they looked up TERF.

duc748 · 14/12/2023 20:12

I'd have thought if you slipped into the conversation that you don't agree with men pushing women out of swim teams, say, most men would be pleased and relieved to hear it, because 'most' men don't go along with this bollix any more than women do. Although many may be poorly informed.

RockStarship · 14/12/2023 20:20

Are you sure it's the TE that's bothering them rather than the RF part? Because most straight men aren't going to date a male regardless of how they dress, so if they're judging you for not accepting a TW as a W then they also need to judge themselves. The "feminist" label would definitely put some men off.

However, I'm surprised that you say men you've dated believe TWAW. I know one man who spouts that. However, most men I've spoken to about it laugh at the absurdity of this whole thing, or show genuine concern and/or annoyance at men in women's sports and men in changing rooms that their female family members use. Other men are completely disinterested in the whole thing and just see TW as a weird "fella in a dress".

Whiskerson · 14/12/2023 20:24

Is this thread for real? It sounds like someone trolling for screenshots. As if men believe this stuff outside a small circle of tedious ex-nerd wannabe hipsters who probably have very little interest in women!

HermioneWeasley · 14/12/2023 20:25

Well, I bet the men who are dating you are all “TERFs” as well - I bet they don’t date male women!

it’s not a term I’d use to describe myself but I’d be open about my gender critical (or reality loving) views.

DC1888 · 14/12/2023 20:26

Terf is a bigot though, that would put anyone off.

Was astounded reading Wikipedia yesterday to see that the UK is dubbed "terf island".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TERF_(acronym)

The reason I found it astounding is the UK is the birthplace of androgyny becoming mainstream via glam rock/new romantics...the UK was far ahead of anywhere else in uprooting gender norms. When anyone thinks of the UK they think progressive/good sense... the right wing fringe (Farage) excepted.

Terf is regressive/backward and very un-UK like...its something you'd expect from the US bible belt (no doubt they are too).

A source on that wiki article posits why terf is so strong in the UK: "The U.K. has a long history of powerful feminist movements and feminist activism that has been successful in securing large-scale legal reforms around the notion of 'women's rights,' so TERF groups build on the legacy of this past feminist work when they articulate their politics of 'women's sex-based rights.'"

So Wollstonecraft (founder of feminism), Pankhurst etc. They fought for good causes though. Being a bigot is not a good cause.

You can be against natural born males bejng in natural born women sports (theres a fair argument for that), but to mals the sweeping statement that transwomen are not woman is bloody bigoted/backward/ignorant.

Froodwithatowel · 14/12/2023 20:30

Your mileage may vary.

Personally I think you may believe that people can change sex, or have souls of a different gender that are separate to their sexed body, but if you have difficulty accepting that other people also have their beliefs, and in respecting anyone not sharing your faith, then that would make you the bigot.

Helleofabore · 14/12/2023 20:32

DC1888 · 14/12/2023 20:26

Terf is a bigot though, that would put anyone off.

Was astounded reading Wikipedia yesterday to see that the UK is dubbed "terf island".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TERF_(acronym)

The reason I found it astounding is the UK is the birthplace of androgyny becoming mainstream via glam rock/new romantics...the UK was far ahead of anywhere else in uprooting gender norms. When anyone thinks of the UK they think progressive/good sense... the right wing fringe (Farage) excepted.

Terf is regressive/backward and very un-UK like...its something you'd expect from the US bible belt (no doubt they are too).

A source on that wiki article posits why terf is so strong in the UK: "The U.K. has a long history of powerful feminist movements and feminist activism that has been successful in securing large-scale legal reforms around the notion of 'women's rights,' so TERF groups build on the legacy of this past feminist work when they articulate their politics of 'women's sex-based rights.'"

So Wollstonecraft (founder of feminism), Pankhurst etc. They fought for good causes though. Being a bigot is not a good cause.

You can be against natural born males bejng in natural born women sports (theres a fair argument for that), but to mals the sweeping statement that transwomen are not woman is bloody bigoted/backward/ignorant.

“but to mals the sweeping statement that transwomen are not woman is bloody bigoted/backward/ignorant.”

Could you please explain just how any male is a woman? Please be exact because as yet, all we have had are people using truly regressive stereotypes to explain.

museumum · 14/12/2023 20:36

I think about 80% of females and 95% of males do not know what terf means or the nuances of it as a term (eg you identify as it, many others are completely offended by the term). Unless you only want to date men very active in this issue I think you’d be crazy to put it on your profile. And even discussing it on a first date is somewhat off putting (probably more so more so than your views)

Lavender14 · 14/12/2023 20:44

Truthfully it seems a bit strange to jump in with that right at the get go. Maybe better to just get to know someone for who they are gradually and then let it come up over time? You'll get a sense of their respect for women as you date them anyway and other more nuanced issues and values can be explored in time. I know guys who call themselves feminists who I wouldn't touch with a barge pole. Actions speak louder than words etc. Plus I think it's possible to be concerned for the rights and welfare of trans people and the rights and welfare of women at the same time as recognising sometimes those concerns overlap in a conflicting way. Just labelling yourself a 'terf' suggests otherwise and that would put a lot of people off and with good reason.

SirCharlesRainier · 14/12/2023 20:45

DC1888 · 14/12/2023 20:26

Terf is a bigot though, that would put anyone off.

Was astounded reading Wikipedia yesterday to see that the UK is dubbed "terf island".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TERF_(acronym)

The reason I found it astounding is the UK is the birthplace of androgyny becoming mainstream via glam rock/new romantics...the UK was far ahead of anywhere else in uprooting gender norms. When anyone thinks of the UK they think progressive/good sense... the right wing fringe (Farage) excepted.

Terf is regressive/backward and very un-UK like...its something you'd expect from the US bible belt (no doubt they are too).

A source on that wiki article posits why terf is so strong in the UK: "The U.K. has a long history of powerful feminist movements and feminist activism that has been successful in securing large-scale legal reforms around the notion of 'women's rights,' so TERF groups build on the legacy of this past feminist work when they articulate their politics of 'women's sex-based rights.'"

So Wollstonecraft (founder of feminism), Pankhurst etc. They fought for good causes though. Being a bigot is not a good cause.

You can be against natural born males bejng in natural born women sports (theres a fair argument for that), but to mals the sweeping statement that transwomen are not woman is bloody bigoted/backward/ignorant.

but to [make] the sweeping statement that transwomen are not woman is bloody bigoted/backward/ignorant.

No, it's just... true.

Waitwhat23 · 14/12/2023 20:46

but to mals the sweeping statement that transwomen are not woman is bloody bigoted/backward/ignorant. (sic)

They aren't though. The thought terminating cliche of TWAW isn't working anymore, sorry.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2023 20:47

You can be against natural born males bejng in natural born women sports (theres a fair argument for that)

You know that makes you trans-exclusionary, right? Like, literally by definition.

Helleofabore · 14/12/2023 20:54

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2023 20:47

You can be against natural born males bejng in natural born women sports (theres a fair argument for that)

You know that makes you trans-exclusionary, right? Like, literally by definition.

I will wait for the explanation about just how any male can be a woman, with appropriate details.

However, I suspect that it is considerable lack of critical thinking behind that post. As evidenced by that logic fail. It is almost as if the writer of the post failed to understand the definition of “exclusionary”, just like they misunderstood the term ‘radical feminist’, ‘bigot’, ‘backward’, and ‘ignorant’.

DojaPhat · 14/12/2023 20:56

I don't buy it.

RockStarship · 14/12/2023 20:56

DC1888 · 14/12/2023 20:26

Terf is a bigot though, that would put anyone off.

Was astounded reading Wikipedia yesterday to see that the UK is dubbed "terf island".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TERF_(acronym)

The reason I found it astounding is the UK is the birthplace of androgyny becoming mainstream via glam rock/new romantics...the UK was far ahead of anywhere else in uprooting gender norms. When anyone thinks of the UK they think progressive/good sense... the right wing fringe (Farage) excepted.

Terf is regressive/backward and very un-UK like...its something you'd expect from the US bible belt (no doubt they are too).

A source on that wiki article posits why terf is so strong in the UK: "The U.K. has a long history of powerful feminist movements and feminist activism that has been successful in securing large-scale legal reforms around the notion of 'women's rights,' so TERF groups build on the legacy of this past feminist work when they articulate their politics of 'women's sex-based rights.'"

So Wollstonecraft (founder of feminism), Pankhurst etc. They fought for good causes though. Being a bigot is not a good cause.

You can be against natural born males bejng in natural born women sports (theres a fair argument for that), but to mals the sweeping statement that transwomen are not woman is bloody bigoted/backward/ignorant.

It's not a sweeping statement to speak the truth. And it's not bigoted to refuse to speak falsehoods.

NightmareGirl · 14/12/2023 20:59

Probably one day we won’t be able to say things like this.

Theunamedcat · 14/12/2023 21:02

Online is riddled with weirdos though I was talking to someone who apparently believed that men could give birth now apparently he was willing to give it a go for the right person if I was willing (how kind) I said no I didn't want anymore children (being diplomatic and trying not to anger a weirdo) he flipped I blocked and reported i got a generic message saying they would look into it and "personality clashes were normal" then I had a message saying they had been removed from the site then another message making sure I hadn't given out my address I think he freaked out the admin