Dismissed by supposed ally husband

[BewilderedPiskie]

I thought my husband was truly listening and understanding my concerns about TRA rhetoric and it's political and social impact but now with an election looming he has told me repeatedly that I NEED to vote Labour as "the trans thing" is a non-issue and women are not under threat. Essentially he has now made it clear that he does not believe there is a problem and I am just being swayed by 'online' noise. I find this utterly repellent. I have spent 4 years listening to and reading both online and imprint. His out of hand dismissal of everything I have looked at, read and researched makes me realise how absolutely misogynistic ordinary and supposedly supportive men can be. I'm menopausal and my memory is terrible. I know that I have been made increasingly worried by a huge number of well researched and documented articles, online pieces, books and podcasts; please could you send me links that have the key GC arguments and that demonstrate why Labour is particularly problematic for women's concerns. I feel utterly betrayed.

I will be voting Labour. I have concerns re the TRA issue, of course. I am 100% GC. But we cannot solve that problem while everything else burns. There will be an element of holding.my nose about it.

Is there any chance he is the same?

When women’s suffrage was debated over 100 years ago, one argument against was that women would vote according to their husbands’ wishes anyway. We’ve moved on since then …

He has literally dismissed the idea that an issue even exists. Having seemed as blindsided as I was at the start of my understanding of what was happening and equally as disturbed by it as I related what I was discovering from online feminist forums (circa 2018/19) he is dismissing it entirely as the election gets closer. There's a whole 'silly women' vibe to his attitude that honestly makes me wish I was single!!

I would stop talking about it. He's said his piece. He doesn't get to control your vote. Neither do we, incidentally.

I'm voting tactically to get the Tories out, so effectively for a Labour government. I think for women's rights generally, and certainly for everything else, that's the better choice. But I accept entirely that that is my personal perception. I think the left activists on Twitter should be bloody ashamed of handing over this issue to the right, and also putting up barriers to supporting trans rights - nobody should have to state 'TWAW' to support trans people, and nobody should be scared of asking how we prevent rampant homophobia affecting vulnerable men and women.

I will be voting Labour. I have concerns re the TRA issue, of course. I am 100% GC. But we cannot solve that problem while everything else burns. There will be an element of holding.my nose about it.
There is no greater danger than loosing the words woman, female and mother and the loss of rights that will come with that and the inevitable destruction of families and society as we know it. A generation of gay kids will be transed - left sterile with no sexual function.
What bigger problem is there?

Don’t bring it up again for now. Then after polls have shut look him in the eye and tell him who you voted for and why then tell him he is your husband, not your keeper: you can vote for who you want for the reasons you want. Then go and have a drink.

I think there are two issues here. The general issue of Labour's stance towards women's rights is a bigger one more broadly, but a smaller one here. The bigger issue interpersonally is how he is treating you and your opinions. He sounds very dismissive. It is not on him to decide which issues can be vital enough to you to base your vote on. It is not on him to decide that women's issues are to be secondary for everyone (the usual 'first we'll deal with X and only then with women's issues). The point is not convincing him about whether voting Labour is good or not (I don't consider that there's an absolute rule about this), but that it is absolutely not acceptable for him to talk to you in this manner and make demands of you as to what opinions you should espouse politically and support in the ballot box.

@Toseland a two year old died quite recently in this country because of uncontrolled black mould in his home. I want housing in this country to be fit for human habitation. NHS waiting lists are up again to where they were the last time we had a long period of Tory government, and CAHMS has been systematically shredded and starved to the point where it will take years to recover. I think the last point is probably relevant to the rise of gender distress among children. All those issues are more important to me. I can fight for GC views whatever the government.

I think that your issue is casting him in the role of ally and having expectations of what this means. He doesn't have to agree with you on every detail. He can share a view that differs from yours . I do not think men can be femists or allies sadly, they will always fall short of this . Voting is private , you don't have to discuss it. If he is generally the sort of person you want to be with is another issue but he will likely disappoint on this subject of you expect him to feel as you do..

@BewilderedPiskie

I think your husband is more concerned with another 5 years of Tory rule than the trans issue and quite frankly I'm with him all the way. The country is falling apart at the seams and not because men want to be women. Tory policies are disastrous for women and children and always have been. Of course, your husband has absolutely no right to tell you what to vote but as your partner in life I don't think it's unreasonable for him to be passionate about how you cast your vote - or you his. You have to decide what the bigger picture is regarding trans rights versus the state of the country as a whole.

Yes, I feel this. And I feel like there's enough dissension in the labour ranks about this that it's not a fait accompli. Frankly, I deeply suspect that Keir et al think it's ridiculous but are too cowardly and stupid too ay it (if they said it, they'd win a massive chunk of the female vote, right there).

Need to isn’t there same as have to
hes giving his opinion just as you’ve given yours to him. Sounds like you’ve each told each other what to do, and given your reasons, but now you’re unhappy he’s dared to do so.
If you think he’s a misogynist with a ‘silly women’ attitude, then I’d suggest this one issue isn’t really the battle you should be prioritising in your relationship

What I do know is that if the tories think the same as you regarding trans people, it’s certainly not because they care about women.

Well said!!!

My vote is between me and the ballot box no-one else gets to know my vote

we cannot solve that problem while everything else burns

That. The country is falling apart under the Tories. Public services are in a disastrous state. I'm voting Labour..

No greater danger? Never mind the collapse of the NHS and other public services? Never mind environmental destruction and the climate catastrophe looming? That affects every species, not just humans.

I'll be voting labour because they get most things right. None of the parties is perfect but the Tories are fucking dangerous and need to go.

He doesn't have to know who you vote for unless you tell him. Vote for who you like, you can always lie about it for an easy life, but you do need to write to the Labour party and tell them why you won't be voting for them. They need to know it's an issue.

100% Labour - and I'm GC.

Our country shouldn't be in this state.

We need to ensure we have a working health service, housing, education and a working justice system. I will continue to be GC and to campaign for the issues but I don't think this country can take 5 more years of Tories.

It depends if you actually think Labour will take over and fix these things - I don't. I think people are pinning too much hope on Labour, that all our problems will be solved. I think under Keir Starmer there will be lots of waffle, not much change ... But the very real potential we have self ID or some other horror....

I know where the Tories stand on women's rights

I'm with most of the answers here. Also gc but voting Labour. I'm life long Labour voter with the exception of last time solely because of their stance on this issue. I feel that enough has changed in the last year or two, the discourse has shifted, legal presidence is in place and that old phrase from here 'the tide has turned' that I feel that labours opinion will change to match public opinion if and when they are actually in power. Later then I would have liked but still.

Non of that should matter to your relationship situation as you need to resolve the disrespect if you have interpreted his actions correctly.

Gender ideology is predicated on the complete irrelevance of the needs of an oppressed majority. People supporting it do not really believe in equality and if those in power believe in it, they will be invested in pretending to look after the vulnerable whilst really only protecting their own interests. It's a supremacists ideology. But regardless of how he votes, saying this is all online noise suggests he either doesn't understand what's happening or doesn't care. I expect his callousness in that regard is more of the issue for you than anything else.

I too will be voting Labour, it's either vote Labour or don't vote. Which I can't do. There is not a chance in hell I'd ever vote Tory and there really is no one else. The Greens have made it clear how they don't want any GC people in their party but are quite happy to harbour paedos.

this is the crux of it actually (for me) - I CANNOT vote for a government which is vulnerable to ideological sway. Labour has absolutely proved it is willing to detach itself from truth in order to be popular /give in to ideological bullies. I would absolutely prefer a government who could withstand ideological capture, even if they werbt perfect ib other ways.

Ideological capture is Nazi Germany. We cannot ever have a government willing to stray from Truth, Reality, Science.

What kind of constituency? currently a Tory MP and there is a realistic chance of getting Labour at the election?