The dreaded issue arose with my son…

[HeadAgainstWall0923]

Today my 9 year old son told me that boys can change to girls, and girls can change to boys, and they can choose whether to be a boy or a girl whenever they want.

When I asked him where he’d heard that he said he’d been told it at school.

I feel so disheartened.

What did you say to him?

Tell him that some children and adults have got confused and that it isn't true. Tell him it is ok to wear different clothes but that our bodies are especially made for boys and girls and can't be swapped about. Like saying a dog can't become a cat or an apple can't become a banana.

And hope that all this shit comes to an end soon.

Time to be asking school what exactly they told the kids?
I'd just tell him you think they made a mistake, and that maybe they meant to say that being a girl or a boy doesn't mean you have to like particular colours/clothes/hobbies anyone can like anything.

I told him that people cannot change their biological sex and that females will always be females and males will always be males.

I said that some men might want to wear a dress and say they feel like they’re a woman, but that doesn’t mean they are suddenly a female. I said the individuals are still male and will always be male.

I asked my son if he wore a dress does that make him a girl? He said no and said, “Because I’d still have my boy bits.”

I said that yes, that’s correct but he then said that if he asked a doctor to take out his testicles then that would mean he’d been changed into a girl.

I was not prepared for this at all as he just sprung it on me.

I am going to raise it again with him but I definitely need to have more logical answers prepared for him rather than just provide shocked ramblings like I did tonight.

Unfortunately we are at the point of having to explain to our children that there are some adults and children who believe in x, and will tell you this is the truth, however while may need sympathy, they are wrong. And should not be believed. Despite the fact that these adults are in positions of trust. And that we have to be very careful however about what we say, even though we know they are wrong and saying things that are not true and are not fair or right to other people. And somehow we have to find a way to explain this without scaring them to death, getting them into trouble, or leaving them to be messed up by intentional political brain washing.

I imagine it's rather similar to what Catholic parents went through when Catholics were being hunted and burned, and various other awful periods in history where colonialists and religious extremists were trying to threaten and brainwash all into compliance and families had to look outwardly compliant and submissive and keep their reality and culture quiet amongst themselves until the bloody awful times passed. Gosh the right side of history looks very middle ages/dark side of the grottiest bits of history.

"I said that yes, that’s correct but he then said that if he asked a doctor to take out his testicles then that would mean he’d been changed into a girl."

Just tell him a girl is not a boy without testicles. A girl is not a boy minus boy bits, but a sex in her own right with completely different reproductive equipment.

Be straightforward and no-nonsense. Fight the lies.

...but he then said that if he asked a doctor to take out his testicles then that would mean he’d been changed into a girl.

And hopefully you told him that was completely incorrect.
He'd actually be changed into a "transgender person" not an actual girl.

I've had some exploratory conversations with my 9yo. We agree that clothes/toys/activities aren't for boys or girls, that they are just clothes..... and that anyone can wear whatever they want as long as it's appropriate to the situation.

I've explained that some people feel like they don't fit in the stereotypes, that they feel like even though they are biologically female they would prefer to be male.

We've discussed how those females can wear masculine clothing, change their name, do jobs and activities more commonly associated with being a boy, but that ultimately they are and will always be female. Even if they take medicine to change their hormone levels and which body parts get hairy or grow during puberty, or if they have surgery, it's just surface level. Their insides are and will always be female.

I try to keep the conversation age appropriate and positive and make sure I let her know we can talk about it whenever she wants and she can say anything to me.

It does feel like a bit of a minefield though.

@HeadAgainstWall0923

Is this from the school or another child?

Good luck OP. I am sure though this is not the first time or the last time you have had to correct something taught at school+. But it is perhaps the most unexpected and most extraordinary one.

(+I remember having to correct the misinformation from a teacher that killer whales and seals lived in harmony in the Antarctic. Don’t look it up if you love seals!!!)

Make sure to point out that we take out the testicles of male dogs and cats all the time. No-one thinks it makes them female cats.

Why is this a dreaded conversation?

Just be honest - my DH has 2 friends and an acquaintance who are transgender (my DD is 17). They are all in the same year at school and the friend who is 18 has been referred to the gender clinic. The 2 x 17 year olds have not! I am not sure why this is all a big deal as there are many young people certainly in secondary school who use non traditional pronouns and identify in a way most comfortable to them - it means you as a parent needs to be open and honest in a way a 9 year old will understand.

Sorry I meant Dd has 3 people at school - not DH!

When my kids came home wittering about the Gender Unicorn I gave myself an impromptu short haircut with the kitchen scissors and asked them if they were going to call me ‘dad’ from now on?

It was VERY theatrical and extremely liberating (the one other time I shocked them all into a similar open-mouthed silence was the day I threw a plastic hippo out of ’my bedroom window to stop them squabbling over it).

Bonus: whenever anyone mentions my dramatic change of ‘do (from bra strap length to cheekbone bob) I get to tell this story and can out myself as one of the tervish in a comedic fashion.

If it were my son I would probably just point at our giant male dog who had his testicles removed yonks ago but is still absolutely and unmistakably a boy dog 😄

Do you not think that in itself is worrying, zieb? How many transgender people did you know at that age?

I've generally tackled it the same way I tackle religions - using "some people believe xyz" and then explaining what I do and don't believe, followed up with the need for respect on both sides.

I've noticed today my eldest has stated his pronouns on his new college profile - I'm yet to ask whether they were asked if they wanted to or not. Waiting for when I'm in the right headspace for that one!

I've generally tackled it the same way I tackle religions - using "some people believe xyz" and then explaining what I do and don't believe, followed up with the need for respect on both sides.

I think that's the perfect way to go, especially at that age.

Ask him if you surgically removed the wings from a bird, would that mean it's not a bird any more? Wouldn't it just be a bird with no wings?

I love this and will be doing the same when the time comes!

…or… just a boy without testicles.
he’s still a boy because testicles or lack thereof don’t make you make or female 🫣

it means you as a parent needs to be open and honest in a way a 9 year old will understand.

Well that seems like reasonable advice.

What would you suggest in particular?

I think the OP is doing the right thing to try to explain that you can't change sex.

I think you could also try to explain at that age, that while such medical procedures do exist, not only will they not change your sex, but that they will destroy your fertility and cause major damage to sexual function. So these are harmful operations to be avoided.

I would want to try to convey that transgenderism is not something simple and easy, but is rather a path you only want to go down if you really have to.

He'd actually be changed into a castrated male, a eunuch, not a "transgender person".

There's a 9 year old who has been taught castration is a simple option in a government funded school. 😫

That's pure batshit crazy stuff.

darling, I have cleaned your bottom a million times but that’s how I know you’re a boy. I know because when you were a cm long growing in my tummy they tested the blood from my arm, to look at the little fragments of your blood that were in it, and the bits they found in those little fragments, too small to see, were boy bits.it’s in every cell of your body, so you can’t change it by chopping anything off. But you can wear whatever you want and do any girly or boy things you want, it doesn’t matter that you’re a boy; it doesn’t stop you from anything.