My friend coming out

[LucyGru]

My friend has asked me for advice about coming out to our group of friends.

She is happily married in a heterosexual relationship with 2 kids, but considers herself 'queer' (her word) because she is bisexual. She considers her relationship to be a queer relationship. She wants to 'come out' to our friend group and is worried about their reaction. It's an important part of her identity and she wants her friends to know this about her.

Now, firstly, I don't think anyone will be very surprised because she wears Pride sneakers, has rainbow flags all over her laptop (the new flag with the big triangle), and wears lots of LGBTQ++++ earrings etc.

And secondly - what? Help me understand.

As it happens, I am also bisexual in that I have had relationships with both men and women, and find myself sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women. I am also happily married to a man, so it's moot. But I feel like sitting my friends down and letting them know I fancy women too would be a bit like saying "hey guys, you know how my husband is bald? Well, I also fancy blokes with long hair. In fact I have dated men with long hair before and would potentially do so again if my husband and I broke up." and expecting them to take this new piece of information about me very seriously.

My friend doesn't know I'm bisexual. She has just assumed I'm straight because I don't wear rainbows.

Am I letting my own feelings get in the way of supporting my friend here? It's clearly important to her that people understand she's 'queer'. Why am I a bit baffled?

Does she always attention seek?

Honestly it really is a none issue. There is no need to "come out". It's 2023 just live your life and date who you want?

My friend is a lovely person, and I have no intention of dismissing her feelings or making her feel bad. I wasn't expecting this thread to get so many posts. I think her family is perhaps more conservative than mine, so it probably would be a big deal for her to 'come out' to them. I don't think she wants to leave her husband. They're very happy - she admires that despite being a straight man, he is comfortable that he is in a 'queer relationship' and they joke about whether or not he is technically 'queer' too because of being married to her.

I don't see things the way she does. Her experiences are not mine.

I do think the only bi-erasure on this thread is my friend assuming that everyone in our friend group is 100% straight though.

My eldest daughter is gay, but avoids her college Rainbow Society because she finds it cringe that it's mostly straight people for whom being 'rainbow' is an important personality trait and must be expressed through buttons, keychains, tshirts and stickers.

Yeah, there seems to be a bit of a trend on Mumsnet FWR at the moment, and it goes along the lines of ' Please keep quiet, we don't need to know about your sexuality'. It's very reminiscent of the 80's actually, and the result, if it works, is of course a lot more closeted bisexual and gay people.

Openness with friends about core aspects of their identity can be very important for some people; some responses on this thread seem to want to shame people into being quiet about who they are. I remember what that was like, thankfully I don't feel it any more.

The end result, if it works, is also a lack of visibility - everybody should keep quiet so nobody knows if anyone else is gay or bisexual. This lack of visibility is harmful to young bisexual and gay people who may be ashamed of their sexuality and have no idea that people in their lives whom they like, respect and admire might also be bisexual / gay, and that this is nothing, in fact, to be ashamed of.

OP, I'm struggling to work out how you have arrived at the conclusion your friend thinks that the rest of you are all 100% straight - can you explain why you think this?

If my friend came to me with a similar predicament it would never cross my mind that they assumed all their other friends were straight. For some people privacy is important, and for some it is important to share and be open with others about core aspects of themselves. I am sure your friend is capable of anticipating that there might be others who privately held similar feelings and experiences as them, but have not / do not presently wish to share that.

Because she says, "do you think they'll be shocked?!" and "I'm going to have to do the work of explaining that just because someone's married, it doesn't mean they're straight."

She is worried that her revelation will blow everyone's minds.

Well I guess you could tell her your situation if you wanted to?

If she's having those conversations with you and you haven't been frank about your own situation then I guess that's the sort of thing that could lead her to a misunderstanding, no?

Of course you don't have to share anything you don't want to, but I guess people make estimations based on the information shared, or not, from others.

If you're not happy to share you could perhaps say 'Please don't assume people are 100 % straight just because they have not declared to you that they are bisexual or gay; unfortunately we live in a world of prejudice where it can be hard for some to be open about these things, and some people like privacy for their own reasons too.'

I'd be worried about sharing your own situation with her just because you're not entirely sure where she is going with this (if anywhere). If it is an attention thing you might end up being Pride-shamed into coming out to your friends as well when you'd really prefer not....

@LucyGru tell your friend that gays and lesbians who have suffered coming out don't appreciate someone in a long-term heterosexual relationship suddenly positioning themselves as brave or daring for being Queer.
It really pisses me off.

All I wanted as a Lesbian, was to live my life in society like everyone else. Be a normal boring person who happens to be same-sex attracted.
I volunteer and teach English to gays and lesbians. Let her do that for bisexuals.

@LucyGru tell your friend that everyone will have different perspectives, but that there are plenty of gay and bisexual people that appreciate that everyone has their own coming out story at the time and place that is right for them, and that this does not threaten our own identities but is a welcome addition to our broad community.

I agree with this.

Op, this sounds to me like one of those nod-and-smile situations. No need to suggest anything to your friend, let her do what she likes and your other friends can react how they like.

Nod-and-smile.

Well said.

'Queer' can be used as an umbrella term for anyone who isn't straight.

It makes perfect sense to me.

She feels like there's a big part of her identity that none of her friends know about and she wants to share it, so that if they respond kindly she can feel validated and move on.

People saying "who cares?!", well, maybe your dentist is your aunties neighbour don't care but surely that's what your friends are for?

Any reason for dredging this up nearly 12 months later?

It’s main character syndrome. Nobody should care. Nobody WILL care. Tedious as fuck.

It's 2024. Literally no one cares if you used to sleep with women. Absolutely no need to hide it whatsoever.

I'd be sensitive and kind if I was in your situation. Someone who grew up bi might have had conflicting and difficult feelings, fear talking to family or friends about that, maybe even feelings of shame and self-doubt. That might have been a formative experience for them, and my friends and I tend to share about things like that. Also, that kind of growing up might have led your friend to feel like she had to hide who she really is, and maybe she's had enough of doing that now, though she is happily married.

The hetero-normative still prevails, so it's not really the same as the example a pp used about coming out as a woman who fancies bald men. People make presumptions about sexuality all the time and maybe your friend feels like her presumed sexuality leads to a situation where she feels dishonest about who she really is.

Honestly- it's not difficult to be kind and empathetic about any of this stuff. If others don't see the point of it, nice one, but it's obviously important to this person.