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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

My friend coming out

117 replies

LucyGru · 31/07/2023 21:00

My friend has asked me for advice about coming out to our group of friends.

She is happily married in a heterosexual relationship with 2 kids, but considers herself 'queer' (her word) because she is bisexual. She considers her relationship to be a queer relationship. She wants to 'come out' to our friend group and is worried about their reaction. It's an important part of her identity and she wants her friends to know this about her.

Now, firstly, I don't think anyone will be very surprised because she wears Pride sneakers, has rainbow flags all over her laptop (the new flag with the big triangle), and wears lots of LGBTQ++++ earrings etc.

And secondly - what? Help me understand.

As it happens, I am also bisexual in that I have had relationships with both men and women, and find myself sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women. I am also happily married to a man, so it's moot. But I feel like sitting my friends down and letting them know I fancy women too would be a bit like saying "hey guys, you know how my husband is bald? Well, I also fancy blokes with long hair. In fact I have dated men with long hair before and would potentially do so again if my husband and I broke up." and expecting them to take this new piece of information about me very seriously.

My friend doesn't know I'm bisexual. She has just assumed I'm straight because I don't wear rainbows.

Am I letting my own feelings get in the way of supporting my friend here? It's clearly important to her that people understand she's 'queer'. Why am I a bit baffled?

OP posts:
Moredramathanrazzamatazz · 01/08/2023 02:38

I'm sensing quite a lot of biphobia and bi-erasure on this thread.

drspouse · 01/08/2023 03:14

@Austrich gosh that would be cringe to join a family group. We are an "obvious" family in that we have two adopted DCs and one is mixed ethnicity but we would NEVER go to a same sex adoptive families group because that would be so intrusive.

JaneorEleven · 01/08/2023 04:00

Moredramathanrazzamatazz · 01/08/2023 02:38

I'm sensing quite a lot of biphobia and bi-erasure on this thread.

Where exactly do you “sense” biphobia and bi-erasure. And please do define both.
TIA

YouAreNotBatman · 01/08/2023 06:28

Summerslimtime · 31/07/2023 22:53

I'm dealing with someone coming out as asexual. It's all they can talk about. It's crazy to me that this is this whole person's identity and they want to tell EVERYONE.

As an ’asexual’ or as an actual asexual?
There is a odd bunch of people now who claim to be asexuals / on a asexual spectrum, but have sex. These people are idiots and cause harm to those who actually are asexuals.

cinzanoandcoke · 01/08/2023 06:36

I would have a conversation with her, and ask her if she is happy in her marriage. Coming out as bi is an elegant "out" - a no fault divorce and d as he may feel that revealing this aspect of herself will save face over " just wanted to leave". She has confided in you so I would also ask what she needs from you - what role she wants you to play.

SGsling · 01/08/2023 06:43

AmoebicSquid · 31/07/2023 21:50

I don't understand why she considers herself in a 'queer' relationship with her husband. Am I being spectacularly dim?

Yes, Queer means Special, not L, G or B

SGsling · 01/08/2023 06:53

NameChangeqqqq · 31/07/2023 22:06

She’s explained why she wants your support- it’s an important part of her identity. She wants her friends and family to understand her- that’s not so hard to empathise with.

The responses here are depressing. Classic stereotypes about bisexuality being irrelevant if you’re in a relationship with the opposite sex, characterisation of bisexual women as attention seekers and- bisexual bingo- after a threesome! FFS.

Well it can’t be that important. And honestly, nobody really cares very much.

That would be my advice to her OP, just because something is important to her doesn’t make it important or interesting to others, so just mention it in passing the way she would want… a Scottish Nationalist friend say to talk about referendums.

FrenchandSaunders · 01/08/2023 06:58

How very fucking strange … I would understand it if she was leaving her DH and had a girlfriend.

You need to have a word OP before she makes tit of herself.

BabyStopCryin · 01/08/2023 07:29

She sounds desperate for attention.

She is married - so why is this relevant? I assume she has dated men and women in the past (as has my lesbian sister).

Why should anyone care, unless she us planning to have affairs or run off with the postlady…?

Why are people so desperate to announce their sexuality/gender/pronouns to the world?

DinaFox · 01/08/2023 07:48

I'm a lesbian and I've actually only 'come out' to a few people over the course of my life as sexuality came up in conversations. Apart from that, I assume most people in my life know I'm a lesbian based upon my relationship with a woman, but again, they've never asked. I always say that I would hate to be defined by my sexuality in the same way that I would hate to be defined by any other single aspect of my identity, and this constant push just screams of attention seeking to me.

The only caveat I will give this is in instances where people are part of cultures where it is a massive deal and they may need to 'come out' to avoid violence etc.

SunnieShine · 01/08/2023 08:05

QueenHippolyta · 01/08/2023 00:04

As a Lesbian who suffered quite a bit of anguish (will they still love me?) coming out to my elderly parents years ago; this kind of thing makes me sick .
It also reminds me of the sage advice I got from my older Lesbian sisters when I first came out;
"Avoid bisexuals, they always wind up with men."

This, 100%.

BarbedButterfly · 01/08/2023 08:10

JaneorEleven · 01/08/2023 04:00

Where exactly do you “sense” biphobia and bi-erasure. And please do define both.
TIA

Show quote history

We could start with the person who said she was advised to avoid bi people as they always end up with men and the person above who agreed.

YouAreNotBatman · 01/08/2023 08:13

But isin’t it true, though?
All the bi’s on this thread alone are married to men.
It’s just telling the truth.

SGsling · 01/08/2023 08:36

BarbedButterfly · 01/08/2023 08:10

We could start with the person who said she was advised to avoid bi people as they always end up with men and the person above who agreed.

Show quote history

So the sage lesbian was being bi-phobic. Right.

Sounds line “you disagree with me so you must be a bigot.”

ArabeIIaScott · 01/08/2023 08:41

NameChangeqqqq · 31/07/2023 22:06

She’s explained why she wants your support- it’s an important part of her identity. She wants her friends and family to understand her- that’s not so hard to empathise with.

The responses here are depressing. Classic stereotypes about bisexuality being irrelevant if you’re in a relationship with the opposite sex, characterisation of bisexual women as attention seekers and- bisexual bingo- after a threesome! FFS.

What is 'identity' and why does it need to be shared with other people?

TangledRoots · 01/08/2023 09:13

I think the PPs are right who think there is a bigger announcement to come. Either the husband is an [acronym] and he wants to wear women’s clothes full-time in public or she has a girlfriend who she wants to introduce to the group.

Otherwise it seems a bit crazy. I know quite a few people who are technically bisexual but they live pretty heterosexual lives now. It just wouldn’t occur to me to even think of their sexual orientation.

But then again, with all the progress flags everywhere, perhaps there’s a new phenomenon where people have FOMO about being encouraged to be ‘proud’ and to be ‘celebrated’ for being ‘included under the rainbow with weird aggressive war arrow marching in from the left’. Perhaps they imagined their life will suddenly become sparkly and colourful like a Mardi Gras float after they have gone through this rite of passage?

Justashley · 01/08/2023 09:14

YouAreNotBatman · 01/08/2023 08:13

But isin’t it true, though?
All the bi’s on this thread alone are married to men.
It’s just telling the truth.

It's a good point to be fair, anecdotally the only women I know who are in long term committed relationships with other women are lesbians and not bi. I have my own ideas as to why but I do think it's wise advice, I have my own reasons for settling down with a man and it isn't because I haven't been in love with women before- probably a point to me self reflect on.

GloomySkies · 01/08/2023 09:20

QueenHippolyta · 01/08/2023 00:04

As a Lesbian who suffered quite a bit of anguish (will they still love me?) coming out to my elderly parents years ago; this kind of thing makes me sick .
It also reminds me of the sage advice I got from my older Lesbian sisters when I first came out;
"Avoid bisexuals, they always wind up with men."

Obviously they will, if all the lesbians avoid them. Ffs. How horrible.

Lottapianos · 01/08/2023 09:20

'It's all very tiresome, like toddlers who aren't getting enough attention.'

Exactly

I think what these people really want is to come out as SPECIAL. VERY VERY SPECIAL. And BRAVE and STUNNING. We all want to be seen and heard and taken seriously, but most people grow out of this level of attention-seeking by their early 20s

Backstreets · 01/08/2023 09:24

JaneorEleven · 01/08/2023 04:00

Where exactly do you “sense” biphobia and bi-erasure. And please do define both.
TIA

Show quote history

TIL going “Christ, who cares” is biphobic abuse!

GloomySkies · 01/08/2023 09:25

Justashley · 01/08/2023 09:14

It's a good point to be fair, anecdotally the only women I know who are in long term committed relationships with other women are lesbians and not bi. I have my own ideas as to why but I do think it's wise advice, I have my own reasons for settling down with a man and it isn't because I haven't been in love with women before- probably a point to me self reflect on.

Show quote history

I came out of a long term relationship with a woman and in general I find women more attractive, but it was a simple numbers game - there are so many openly straight men compared with openly gay/bi women that the chances of meeting a man I liked were massively greater.

Carouselfish · 01/08/2023 10:33

Equality will be when people don't give a shit. It's not biphobic to accept something without fanfare.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/08/2023 10:36

I'd be baffled if I was one of her friends. Even if I hadn't guessed I just don't care and it's none of my business. Other people's love life is rarely as interesting as they think it is.

Jellyx · 01/08/2023 10:38

Sounds like she just wants attention and some sort of 'status' as a queer person. Who cares. I'd just tell her 'I don't think people care...what reaction are you hoping for / what difference will it make to the friendships'

Sounds like she has a massive ego

unicornhair · 01/08/2023 10:43

My friends DIL is like this. She’s also been non-binary, changed her name to an animal, and I think at the moment is a female presenting trans-man (so a woman). Hilariously my friend was woke before it was a thing and seeing her roll her eyes is a wonderful thing. Her son is the easiest going human alive and just shrugs.