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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

My friend coming out

117 replies

LucyGru · 31/07/2023 21:00

My friend has asked me for advice about coming out to our group of friends.

She is happily married in a heterosexual relationship with 2 kids, but considers herself 'queer' (her word) because she is bisexual. She considers her relationship to be a queer relationship. She wants to 'come out' to our friend group and is worried about their reaction. It's an important part of her identity and she wants her friends to know this about her.

Now, firstly, I don't think anyone will be very surprised because she wears Pride sneakers, has rainbow flags all over her laptop (the new flag with the big triangle), and wears lots of LGBTQ++++ earrings etc.

And secondly - what? Help me understand.

As it happens, I am also bisexual in that I have had relationships with both men and women, and find myself sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women. I am also happily married to a man, so it's moot. But I feel like sitting my friends down and letting them know I fancy women too would be a bit like saying "hey guys, you know how my husband is bald? Well, I also fancy blokes with long hair. In fact I have dated men with long hair before and would potentially do so again if my husband and I broke up." and expecting them to take this new piece of information about me very seriously.

My friend doesn't know I'm bisexual. She has just assumed I'm straight because I don't wear rainbows.

Am I letting my own feelings get in the way of supporting my friend here? It's clearly important to her that people understand she's 'queer'. Why am I a bit baffled?

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 01/08/2023 10:44

SGsling · 01/08/2023 06:53

Well it can’t be that important. And honestly, nobody really cares very much.

That would be my advice to her OP, just because something is important to her doesn’t make it important or interesting to others, so just mention it in passing the way she would want… a Scottish Nationalist friend say to talk about referendums.

Show quote history

It isn't important to you. It is to her. I'm so glad I have such lovely supportive friends obviously going through a confusing time and wants to share that with people she cares about and trusts

mirax · 01/08/2023 10:57

is it homophobic to not care if someone is gay or not?

Dont be surprised if you are told off by some overly keen SJW that this is the same thoughlessness and 'racism' as claiming to be colourblind. As an active ally, you must be obsessed by the precise degree of skin coloration and same sex attraction.

IWillNoLie · 01/08/2023 11:02

CaramelMac · 31/07/2023 21:47

It sounds like she might be upset if she doesn’t get the right reaction, bit as you say it’s 2023 and nobody cares anymore so she should prepare herself to be underwhelmed.

I suspect ‘nobody cares’ is not the right reaction

IWillNoLie · 01/08/2023 11:11

If ANY married friend started to talk about people they were attracted to, including past relationships, then I would worry about their marriage.

BabyStopCryin · 01/08/2023 11:14

I could wonder why they were telling me this and what reaction they wanted to have?

Whyte · 01/08/2023 11:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CFornot · 01/08/2023 11:18

I think I would say to her ‘I’m not sure what advice you need. They know that I’m bisexual as they’ve know me have relationships with men and women. And then leave it at that. Or perhaps could add that they maybe confused as to why you are sharing that info with them and they make think you’re looking on the look for another partner.

It all sounds very look at me of your friend.

Rudderneck · 01/08/2023 11:50

I've seen this kind of thing among the young people in my kid's friend group. They all want to declare their sexuality - in fact they wear pins that say things like queer or bisexual (not straight, but I did see one that said "too cute to be straight".)

It's more of an identity thing than anything, and frankly I think it's quite sad that their sexual interests (or what they think those are now at age 17) defines them to such a degree. There is absolutely an element of status seeking as well, though I think they are to some extent unaware of this.

It's actually quite an immature approach and one that is not adaptive for good mental health in the end. At 17 immature is understandable, but the people who as adults are so performative - including a colleague of mine who seems to entirely self-define through trendy labels and disorders - just seem a bit pathetic, tbh.

drhf · 01/08/2023 11:55

What a weird thread.

I'm a lesbian, married to a lesbian.

Why is it odd OP's friend wants to tell friends she is bisexual? Maybe she would like to be able to talk freely about her life experiences and perspective. She might want to gossip about past relationships in a chatty way ("saw my ex the other day, what was I thinking?" etc.) and she would like some reassurance that it's safe to do so.

Yes, it's all a lot easier than it used to be. I am very well aware of that. I came out at 13 and got kicked out of school for being a lesbian - no Equality Act back then. I also ended up homeless while I was still at school. My wife's parents barely spoke to her for a decade. But this thread is going a bit far. So because society isn't homophobic the way it used to be, no-one is allowed to worry about homophobia any more? We don't know what experiences of biphobia or homophobia OP's friend may have had in the past. And even if she is oversensitive and worrying about nothing, haven't we all fretted about nothing occasionally and wanted some support from a friend? Coming out was awful and risky for a very long time. Not everyone has adjusted to the new reality yet.

OP should just say, "I don't think any of our friends will have a problem with it, and if you want to drop into conversation that you had a girlfriend before you were with your current partner, or that you think Dua Lipa is hot, just go for it and I don't think anyone will give a stuff."

If OP's friend proves herself to be a drama queen and demands a special group meeting to come out and for everyone to process this huge news, then that's a different story. In that case OP can gently suggest that maybe that friendship group isn't the right place for a long deep and meaningful. But until there's more evidence, OP's friend should get the benefit of the doubt.

YouAreNotBatman · 01/08/2023 11:58

I just want to say that it could be worse:
nowadays so many people think we need to know their kinks and fetishs.
I unfortunately have to listen to people’s sex lives now.
Apperently I’m a prude and boring because I don’t care 😀

I’m thinking of a ”Proud Prude Pride”, anyone who want to join me?

QueenHippolyta · 01/08/2023 14:45

I find it suspicious she wants to do this while also married to a man. It strikes me she wants to be a spicy straight and get those cool Queer points all the while exciting men with their favorite fantasy of 2 women together .

In my daily life I don't go about announcing I'm a lesbian. It's only a small part of my life. I have a personality I don't need an identity.

Rudderneck · 01/08/2023 14:51

drhf · 01/08/2023 11:55

What a weird thread.

I'm a lesbian, married to a lesbian.

Why is it odd OP's friend wants to tell friends she is bisexual? Maybe she would like to be able to talk freely about her life experiences and perspective. She might want to gossip about past relationships in a chatty way ("saw my ex the other day, what was I thinking?" etc.) and she would like some reassurance that it's safe to do so.

Yes, it's all a lot easier than it used to be. I am very well aware of that. I came out at 13 and got kicked out of school for being a lesbian - no Equality Act back then. I also ended up homeless while I was still at school. My wife's parents barely spoke to her for a decade. But this thread is going a bit far. So because society isn't homophobic the way it used to be, no-one is allowed to worry about homophobia any more? We don't know what experiences of biphobia or homophobia OP's friend may have had in the past. And even if she is oversensitive and worrying about nothing, haven't we all fretted about nothing occasionally and wanted some support from a friend? Coming out was awful and risky for a very long time. Not everyone has adjusted to the new reality yet.

OP should just say, "I don't think any of our friends will have a problem with it, and if you want to drop into conversation that you had a girlfriend before you were with your current partner, or that you think Dua Lipa is hot, just go for it and I don't think anyone will give a stuff."

If OP's friend proves herself to be a drama queen and demands a special group meeting to come out and for everyone to process this huge news, then that's a different story. In that case OP can gently suggest that maybe that friendship group isn't the right place for a long deep and meaningful. But until there's more evidence, OP's friend should get the benefit of the doubt.

This would be much more plausible if it weren't for the business with the sneakers and earrings and queer relationship with her husband.

StephanieSuperpowers · 01/08/2023 14:55

BabyStopCryin · 01/08/2023 11:14

I could wonder why they were telling me this and what reaction they wanted to have?

I would be the same. I'd be very nonplussed. I would have no idea what I was supposed to do with that information.

HalebiHabibti · 01/08/2023 15:12

When telling friends I had just got my autism diagnosis (a similarly personal Big Deal which didn't really affect anyone but me), I told some people one to one initially and then assumed word would spread. People generally either said "Righto, I am glad for you" or "Durr, that was obvious" 🤣 but didn't say much other than that, nor did I particularly need them too. Since then I've mentioned it in passing from time to time but otherwise not talked about it too much.

I'd say to her that a 1:1 approach would probably work, but also that people sometimes don't really know what to say and so she might want to brace herself for awkward/nonplussed responses. She might also want to ask herself if there's anything she wants/needs from others after sharing this info.

Delphinium20 · 01/08/2023 15:28

Not sure your group's age range, but you might want to warn your friend that to many people over a certain age, the "q" word is a slur. My boomer MIL is lesbian and was taunted with that phrase and we've banned use of it in our family. Despite our DD considering herself bisexual and currently dating a woman, and despite my having had a yearlong relationship with a woman in college (am married now for decades to DH), none of us ever call ourselves the "q" word as it would feel insulting to MIL and all gay people we know of our age group AND it's something I'd never ever call myself and my DH would be perplexed to find out he was in a q relationship after all these years...

I expect your friend has had even less bi sex than I have and this is some kind of weird attention thing. Give attention then and say to her, "OMG. So, you are having an affair, then, aren't you?"

WallaceinAnderland · 01/08/2023 15:33

I would politely say I don't think other people are really that interested in your sex life just as we are not that interested in theirs. It's really not a thing that needs to be announced.

Yusay · 01/08/2023 16:02

YouAreNotBatman · 01/08/2023 11:58

I just want to say that it could be worse:
nowadays so many people think we need to know their kinks and fetishs.
I unfortunately have to listen to people’s sex lives now.
Apperently I’m a prude and boring because I don’t care 😀

I’m thinking of a ”Proud Prude Pride”, anyone who want to join me?

Me! I’ve been saying for years that we need a “Missonary position twice a month and proud of it Pride” I don’t wanna hear about everyone else’s sex lives, being gay hasn’t been shocking in England since the 1990s 🥱 if people really must talk about sex lives then let’s not forget mine.

Anyway. OP, your friend is attention seeming because she feels boring and inadequate. This ‘coming out’ 😂 has nothing to do with her sexual preferences and everything to do with trying to add a bit of drama/conflict to her life. Whatever reaction she gets from her friends she will claim she doesn’t feel accepted and try to wring some drama out of it all.

BabyStopCryin · 01/08/2023 17:35

‘Don’t need to know, don’t want to know’

Zodfa · 01/08/2023 18:27

Delphinium20 · 01/08/2023 15:28

Not sure your group's age range, but you might want to warn your friend that to many people over a certain age, the "q" word is a slur. My boomer MIL is lesbian and was taunted with that phrase and we've banned use of it in our family. Despite our DD considering herself bisexual and currently dating a woman, and despite my having had a yearlong relationship with a woman in college (am married now for decades to DH), none of us ever call ourselves the "q" word as it would feel insulting to MIL and all gay people we know of our age group AND it's something I'd never ever call myself and my DH would be perplexed to find out he was in a q relationship after all these years...

I expect your friend has had even less bi sex than I have and this is some kind of weird attention thing. Give attention then and say to her, "OMG. So, you are having an affair, then, aren't you?"

I wonder if the friend ever received any homophobic bullying growing up. If she did I suspect she might be less quick to jump on the "queer" bandwagon.

Sooz41 · 01/08/2023 18:52

She is paving the way for husband to come out as trans

CaramelMac · 01/08/2023 20:26

Delphinium20 · 01/08/2023 15:28

Not sure your group's age range, but you might want to warn your friend that to many people over a certain age, the "q" word is a slur. My boomer MIL is lesbian and was taunted with that phrase and we've banned use of it in our family. Despite our DD considering herself bisexual and currently dating a woman, and despite my having had a yearlong relationship with a woman in college (am married now for decades to DH), none of us ever call ourselves the "q" word as it would feel insulting to MIL and all gay people we know of our age group AND it's something I'd never ever call myself and my DH would be perplexed to find out he was in a q relationship after all these years...

I expect your friend has had even less bi sex than I have and this is some kind of weird attention thing. Give attention then and say to her, "OMG. So, you are having an affair, then, aren't you?"

I’m not gay but I remember going to a pub after work with a female friend for a drink one Friday night when I was about 18 and being threatened with being beaten up for being “queer“ by the locals, I’ve never been so frightened waiting for the bus to come to get out of that town, for that reason I can’t bring myself to use it and I feel a bit sick when I hear it being said.

onlyamam · 01/08/2023 20:28

Ingenieur · 31/07/2023 21:06

I'd just gently talk to her, let her know it's 2023 and nobody in polite society cares in the slightest whether someone is attracted to people of the opposite sex, and haven't for a while now.

No need to reveal anything about yourself.

That's just not true at all. It is a huge deal for many people and this really minimises a lot of people's experiences.

onlyamam · 01/08/2023 20:29

namitynamechange · 31/07/2023 21:55

Maybe she secretly fancies you and this is a roundabout way of bringing it up as a possibility😳
That was a joke but in all honesty if someone in a heterosexual relationship made a big friendship group announcement that they were bi I'd be worried that there was going to be some scouting for a threesome or some such. It probably isn't that. But if it is let us know!

Fucking hell. A stone age take.

onlyamam · 01/08/2023 20:33

Maddy70 · 01/08/2023 02:01

I would hope that if a friend came out to me as bi , gay, whatever? I would be supportive. It's obviously a big thing to them even if it isn't to you that others know.

Some of the responses on here are frankly homophobic and unnecessary.

Agreed. Some of them are fucking horrible.

onlyamam · 01/08/2023 20:34

Moredramathanrazzamatazz · 01/08/2023 02:38

I'm sensing quite a lot of biphobia and bi-erasure on this thread.

Yup. It's fairly blatant.