My friend coming out

[LucyGru]

My friend has asked me for advice about coming out to our group of friends.

She is happily married in a heterosexual relationship with 2 kids, but considers herself 'queer' (her word) because she is bisexual. She considers her relationship to be a queer relationship. She wants to 'come out' to our friend group and is worried about their reaction. It's an important part of her identity and she wants her friends to know this about her.

Now, firstly, I don't think anyone will be very surprised because she wears Pride sneakers, has rainbow flags all over her laptop (the new flag with the big triangle), and wears lots of LGBTQ++++ earrings etc.

And secondly - what? Help me understand.

As it happens, I am also bisexual in that I have had relationships with both men and women, and find myself sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women. I am also happily married to a man, so it's moot. But I feel like sitting my friends down and letting them know I fancy women too would be a bit like saying "hey guys, you know how my husband is bald? Well, I also fancy blokes with long hair. In fact I have dated men with long hair before and would potentially do so again if my husband and I broke up." and expecting them to take this new piece of information about me very seriously.

My friend doesn't know I'm bisexual. She has just assumed I'm straight because I don't wear rainbows.

Am I letting my own feelings get in the way of supporting my friend here? It's clearly important to her that people understand she's 'queer'. Why am I a bit baffled?

I'm not quite sure what she wants from you, but if she just wants you to be there when she talks about this in the group, that doesn't sound too much does it?

I'd see this much as you do but hey, she's your friend and this is important to her. If I'm honest I'd suggest a night when you're getting together as a group and going out afterwards so that there's a way to shift the conversation if it's really boring not going a way that's comfortable for her.

Ooh I know why she wants to tell people!!

I listened to Will Storr on a few podcasts & found him very interesting speaking about his book/how humans are motivated by status. (Because we need high status/to be valued for something so we get a place at the fire/in the safest part of the cave etc ) So the things people rush to tell you about themselves are things that have a perceived high social status.
being "queer" gives her a higher status in the group so she wants you all to know

(I'm articulating it poorly but it explains why the joke about "how you know someone is vegan?" Always seems to hold true. In my circles I think it applies to electric vehicles too 😆
this is his book https://www.wob.com/en-gb/books/will-storr/status-game/9780008354633?cq_src=google_ads&cq_cmp=18082217234&cq_con=&cq_med=pla&cq_plac=&cq_net=x&gclid=CjwKCAjwt52mBhB5EiwA05YKo3SCTfZiDoJqZdlB4DB3LRwSugDlbCHNjOP98BfxQr1ilAhyA7mzXBoC4HoQAvD_BwE#GOR012039744 )

Anyway I would probably gently explain that no one will care/change how they think of her (which will probably sadden her!) & hope she doesn't bore you all silly about her totally straight queer relationship.

Has she told you what reaction she is ideally hoping for? I mean does she want them to be interested and ask questions...? And if so, what about?

I think it could make sense if she were to reveal it in the form of a funny anecdote about a woman she dated in the past or something.

But if she wanted to tell you more about how her hetero relationship with her husband is "queer" - I'd be afraid she'd be divulging some sexual details I really wouldn't want to know (nothing to do with LGB, most people just keep specific sexual details private don't they)

I’m still struggling to work out how this is a queer relationship.

I'm dealing with someone coming out as asexual. It's all they can talk about. It's crazy to me that this is this whole person's identity and they want to tell EVERYONE.

Yes, quite. He probably wears her underwear or something. Yawn.

If one of my friends wanted to come out as queer, I don't think I'd give a shit. Apart from the fact that when I was a teenager, being called queer was usually immediately followed by a punch in the mouth... I do not like the word at all.

This is the kind of detail I'd be afraid of having to listen to if I was one of the friends in the op.

I don't think I could endure a friend telling me all about the great (queer or otherwise) sex she is having with her dh. Ew

She's actually coming out as wanting attention.

It's often known as queer but it's more ordinary name is attention seeking.

If you just remind yourself she's having an attention seeking episode rather than coming out it will all make sense.

I think the whole concept of coming out is really dated - nobody really cares these days do they?

I found out in passing that a mate I’ve known for years & who is married to a man is bi because she just mentioned an ex who was a woman, in the same way she might’ve mentioned a male ex - its not something that needed a big announcement or that changes our friendship.

She’s craving attention. Tell her to get an eye patch. They’re cheap, everyone will look at her, some will ask questions. It’s like an instant slap-on personality

Convince your friends (even the straight ones) that when she comes out you should tell her that you are all bi.

Then give it 6 months while she thinks of some new, special, unique thing she is.

The last woman I know who did this suddenly decided to use they pronouns and change her name to something gender neutral.

It's all very tiresome, like toddlers who aren't getting enough attention. I want to pat them on their little heads and say 'that's nice dear'. It's what they deserve

If that is the most interesting thing about her then she should work on that, no offence but does anyone really care?

I had a friend, who'd always been with men, come out as fancying women and I didn't give a single shit. I think she was expecting a big reaction, so when I just said something like "oh, great. It's your round, I'll have another g&t, please" she was rather crestfallen. It's nice to be open with friends, but really, it's not a remotely big deal to everyone else these days, even if it feels massive to the individual.

I have a former friend, now probably more of an acquaintance thanks to behaviour like this, who made an announcement on social media about how hard it is to be a 'femme presenting queer person' because everyone assumes she's straight and she has to keep coming out all the time. Everyone assumes she's straight because she's had a series of long term heterosexual relationships the most recent of which is ongoing, her bisexuality is limited to continual posts about how hot various celebrity women are and how she's so gay for them. It just comes off as desperately trying to be different, it's tedious. Even if she is actually bi (and in my acquaintances case I don't think so) no one cares, it's irrelevant.

I think I would say... well.. you've told me.. how was that? Was it difficult to find the right momemt or the right words? How do you feel after telling me? Do you feel that any of our friends would react any differently? Do you think anyone will treat you differently when you tell them? Do you want anyone to treat you differently? And hopefully.. after getting fairly blasé answers.. you can well done.. nothing to worry about.. just drop it in to conversation if the opportunity arises.. btw.. it's your round!!

I'd ask if her husband knows that he's in a "queer" relationship and how he feels about being "outed" by her revelation?

Fundamentally it's self absorbed social wankery and it's boring.

I've zero interest in my friends current/former sex lives other than knowing their relationships are happy and not abusive.

Frankly I think the best thing to do is nothing. Don't feed the queer troll by getting sucked in to giving this information any kudos/time/attention whatsoever.

Essentially "that's nice dear, now what's your opinion on Scottish independence?"

As a Lesbian who suffered quite a bit of anguish (will they still love me?) coming out to my elderly parents years ago; this kind of thing makes me sick .
It also reminds me of the sage advice I got from my older Lesbian sisters when I first came out;
"Avoid bisexuals, they always wind up with men."

No sorry, I'm bi. It's not something I'd hide, but if I was in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex why would I go out of my way to describe it as a queer relationship and make sure all my social circle knew that? I know there's an incorrect stereotype about bisexual women being up for 3somes. It's mostly perpetuated by hopeful men. It's also played into by a some straight women looking for the attention of said males. Sorry if that's offensive.

I feel like I’ve found my spiritual home in this thread 🤣

Ive had relationships with women and was married to man (divorced now). I don’t feel the need to announce my sexuality or openness to dating either sex to friends who don’t know my entire dating history?! If I meet someone I’ll introduce them to my friends - job done! Also hate the word queer.

I would wonder slightly if she was realising she was gay and wanted to leave her husband tho..

I would hope that if a friend came out to me as bi , gay, whatever? I would be supportive. It's obviously a big thing to them even if it isn't to you that others know.

Some of the responses on here are frankly homophobic and unnecessary.

What is there to be supportive about? someone is bi/gay/whatever - and? do they want permission cheat? as n the OP the person is currently in a relationship

do they want a pat on the back? a certificate? special treatment?

is it homophobic to not care if someone is gay or not?

Tbh I'd probably say 'Oh sind your neck in Barbara. I'm bisexual too and you don't here me banging on about it. Honestly, people will just think you're attention seeking. So I wouldn't bother if I were you'.