My friend coming out

[LucyGru]

My friend has asked me for advice about coming out to our group of friends.

She is happily married in a heterosexual relationship with 2 kids, but considers herself 'queer' (her word) because she is bisexual. She considers her relationship to be a queer relationship. She wants to 'come out' to our friend group and is worried about their reaction. It's an important part of her identity and she wants her friends to know this about her.

Now, firstly, I don't think anyone will be very surprised because she wears Pride sneakers, has rainbow flags all over her laptop (the new flag with the big triangle), and wears lots of LGBTQ++++ earrings etc.

And secondly - what? Help me understand.

As it happens, I am also bisexual in that I have had relationships with both men and women, and find myself sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women. I am also happily married to a man, so it's moot. But I feel like sitting my friends down and letting them know I fancy women too would be a bit like saying "hey guys, you know how my husband is bald? Well, I also fancy blokes with long hair. In fact I have dated men with long hair before and would potentially do so again if my husband and I broke up." and expecting them to take this new piece of information about me very seriously.

My friend doesn't know I'm bisexual. She has just assumed I'm straight because I don't wear rainbows.

Am I letting my own feelings get in the way of supporting my friend here? It's clearly important to her that people understand she's 'queer'. Why am I a bit baffled?

I'd just gently talk to her, let her know it's 2023 and nobody in polite society cares in the slightest whether someone is attracted to people of the opposite sex, and haven't for a while now.

No need to reveal anything about yourself.

Why would any of your friends care?

I would be a bit baffled too but I suppose some folk want to label themselves and some don’t. I would just reassure her no one will be that surprised and let her get on with it.

But why would anyone need to know this... unless there is a girlfriend much bigger announcement coming down the tracks?

Yeah - it's a bit weird and unnecessary and smacks of trying to earn woke points. And she is not in a queer relationship. I say all this as someone who realised they were bisexual a couple of years ago and hasn't bothered to tell the vast majority of my friends.

I guess even married people have crushes they might want to talk about (I’m thinking celebrities, not the in laws) so maybe she feels she’s hiding a part of herself from people she cares about? Maybe she has past relationships she feels she’s had to keep secret and doesn’t feel comfortable with?

comfortable keeping secret that should be.

seems to me like she wants to identify as part of the queer community.

just like if I told all my friends that actually I have a pet tarantula and have joined the tarantula-friends society. And presumably they'd all say - great for you dear but I don't need to meet terry-the-tarantula. and we'd all be fine.

if she wants more fanfare than that, she might be disappointed.

It sounds like she might be upset if she doesn’t get the right reaction, bit as you say it’s 2023 and nobody cares anymore so she should prepare herself to be underwhelmed.

I suppose I find it a bit regressive that she obviously assumes everyone else is straight unless they declare otherwise.

I’d listen supportively if a friend told me she was bisexual. I’d wonder if she was coming out to me because I’m lesbian.

If a friend told me she was queer, I’d cringe & wonder how well we actually knew each other. Horrible term.

I don't understand why she considers herself in a 'queer' relationship with her husband. Am I being spectacularly dim?

I don't like it either @EmpressaurusOfCats 😕

Maybe she secretly fancies you and this is a roundabout way of bringing it up as a possibility😳
That was a joke but in all honesty if someone in a heterosexual relationship made a big friendship group announcement that they were bi I'd be worried that there was going to be some scouting for a threesome or some such. It probably isn't that. But if it is let us know!

'My friend doesn't know I'm bisexual. She has just assumed I'm straight because I don't wear rainbows.'

How extremely progressive and inclusive of her 🙄 dear god, she sounds tedious. People like her think they are endlessly fascinating, and they're anything but

Love your bald / long hair analogy OP, spot on 👍

She's asked you for advice about how to tell others in the group. You could suggest she tells each of them one by one in the course of a normal conversation.
I absolutely understand that you feel there's no point that you say anything about yourself given that you are in a monogamous relationship. But if she wants to share this about herself there's no reason why she shouldn't.

No you aren't, but this kind of ridiculousness is rife now!

I'm the same as you OP, never really defined my sexuality to be honest, I've had sexual and romantic relationships with both men and women but never felt the need to 'come out' although people in my life who know me know I've dated men and women and it's thankfully not been a big deal (although appreciate sadly this is still an issue for many across the globe). I'm very happily married to a man and wouldn't see the value in gathering friends to declare anything like this.

Ugh, I'm a lesbian with a similar friend. To be fair she "came out" as bisexual as a teen when it was used as a good way to get male attention (2000s)

She then forgot for two decades and now, happily married to a man, is suddenly head to toe in rainbows and has asked me about joining gay family groups. I had the awkward job of dissuading her from joining, the whole point of the groups is for same-sex parents.

Nobody cares that she may fancy the odd woman, she could mention crushes casually and literally nobody would care. As PP have said your friend may be woefully underwhelmed by the reaction.

Tell her it’s great but it doesn’t make her ‘queer’ - it’s perfectly normal and in fact you are bisexual too. No big deal.

But she’ll hate that, won’t she!

She’s explained why she wants your support- it’s an important part of her identity. She wants her friends and family to understand her- that’s not so hard to empathise with.

The responses here are depressing. Classic stereotypes about bisexuality being irrelevant if you’re in a relationship with the opposite sex, characterisation of bisexual women as attention seekers and- bisexual bingo- after a threesome! FFS.

'My friend doesn't know I'm bisexual. She has just assumed I'm straight because I don't wear rainbows.'

I mean, she's assuming this about the whole group tbh. I don't know they're all straight. It's never come up.

But then I wonder if I'm just being enormously blindly privileged about the whole thing. There are people in the world who do have to choose to come out and lose friends and family because of it. My friend isn't one of them, but she's using her voice to speak out.

Good advice @CherrySocks . Thank you.

She wants to be open with her friends. What's wrong with that except it's really not a big deal to anyone else

But the only person who cares about their "identity" is the individual themselves. Nobody else does. If I sat my friends down tomorrow and announced to them "I want you all to know that I'm actually a quarter Welsh, I consider it a important part of identity and want you to support that" nobody would give a shit. Because it is irrelevant to them. This is the same. What support could people offer, beyond saying "That's nice dear. Who's round is it?"?

And frankly, people's sexuality is largely irrelevant to everyone else. It only becomes relevant when someone is looking at you as a potential sexual partner. So if a woman is in a relationship with a man, nobody could give a shit whether she has also had relationships with women. It's irrelevant to everyone else.

As a lesbian I would find this totally cringe. 🤢 Grabbing for woke points from the safety of the perfectly ordinary straight marriage she has no intention of leaving.

But I feel like sitting my friends down and letting them know I fancy women too would be a bit like saying "hey guys, you know how my husband is bald? Well, I also fancy blokes with long hair. In fact I have dated men with long hair before and would potentially do so again if my husband and I broke up." and expecting them to take this new piece of information about me very seriously.

Thank you for articulating this so clearly! There was a woman on a another thread who said she was bisexual but married to a man and felt that the world is so biphobic, she can't talk about it.

Honestly, who gives a shit?