Working with teens, I'm struggling with the pronoun issue in the office.

[FriendofJoanne]

I'm in a new job so probation period. Professional role, one where you'd really expect critical thinking. Quite a high proportion of the teens so far seem to identify as trans or non-binary.

I think I need to keep my head down, I will bring up the Cass review with the rest of my team once the time is right and maybe gently question how much they know; if they're aware of the lack of evidence for gender affirming care, the safeguarding concerns at Mermaids etc.

We work with really vulnerable young people, this (gender identity) I have really researched thoroughly and I do not want to be complicit in any harm. When I'm with the teens I treat them as individuals, that's no problem, in their presence I will respect their requested pronouns, and of course in written records. I have done it before in the past, but I didn't know as much then as I do now.

What I'm really struggling with is my colleagues using female pronouns for clearly male teenagers, when we are alone in the office (so far I'm only aware of boys identifying as girls and a girl identifying as non-binary) . I can't do it. I can't call a male 'she' because to me it represents being complicit in something I see as harmful.

Anyone else in this position? How do you cope?

Honestly, I think you should look for a new job.

If you think your colleagues aren't critical thinkers because they have come to a different conclusion to you and you can talk to them in a way that feels comfortable you will be really unhappy. You will just get more and more frustrated and if you try to hide it you will explode at the wrong person at the wrong time and possibly get into trouble.

I guess I'd refer to everyone as "they"? But it sound insufferable so I'd leave.

It's very early days @NewNameNigel , it's very hard to just speak openly about GC beliefs so for all I know my colleagues feel the same but are using the pronouns because that's what's expected. Thankfully there are no pronouns on emails.

Your colleagues probably have all sorts of opinions on all sorts of things that you don't agree with. Can you frame this as just another thing that you see differently?

If you actually feel stifled there and like you can't be yourself I think you should look elsewhere. You will be very unhappy if you have to spend your working day feeling like your pretending.

Maybe it's just easier to call them by their requested pronoun in the office so that the consistency helps them to make sure to say the right pronoun in person.
Just because you use certain pronouns, it doesn't mean that you either agree or disagree with certain principles. It's just that people have a job to do and that there are guidelines laid down that they have to comply with.

F'kin hell, I couldn't be dealing with all that twaddle. Best of luck.

@NewNameNigel I'm asking for advice from other Gender Critical feminists who actually work with teens. Your comments seem throw away, and not considered or helpful. I personally feel that it is very important that the children have someone who is able to talk to them about the cons of transitioning not just cheer them on all the way.

Social transition is not a neutral act, so this is more than a difference of opinion, this is an issue which could lead to unnecessary medicalistion of otherwise healthy children.

I am sure someone will come in with the link but I watched a video of I was going to say Julie Bindel but I dont think it is being interviewed with a transgender person who is a lawyer and the Woman went to great lengths to not use pronouns but use the persons name each and every time. It was brilliant and made a point of not misgendering but not buying into the nonsense. Hopefully someone can help with the clip - I cant find it.

Thanks @Longdarkteatimeofthesoul I know exactly the interview you mean. I can't remember which it is, but I watched it when it was on. So far that's what I've done. It's either going to be that or saying they a lot!

Now I just use the young persons name. Previously I tried using preferred trans pronouns but it felt like I was lying.

I'm hoping there might be some teachers/ social workers/ youth workers who are in a similar position and hearing how they manage having gender critical views alongside working with trans identifying youth. It's not the kids' fault after all, its the cultural zeitgeist.

The kids I work with take other risks all the time, so its part and parcel. And some of their other behaviours impact on society (eg crime), but at least we're able to openly give them messages about that. With gender it's having the fear of being labelled transphobic if I try and talk about the harms with them.

It is super early days, so I'm looking and listening and biting my tongue. Hoping that it is as @Gracewithoutend says and using the pronouns isn't indicative of believing they've changed sex.

I was thinking of your own mental health which I think will suffer in this role but if that's not helpful I'll bow out.

I would think very carefully about talking to these teens about transition unless that's your role in company. I don't think that would end well for you.

I work in pharmacy so not in direct patient care but I come across them everyday obviously.
We get loads of trans women picking up their very in short supply HRT scripts and I always use their name, never ever use a pronoun. I just can’t do it.
Our local GP is a specialist in gender affirming care for (thankfully) adult trans people, so we get loads of them in our shop.

Hi OP. I'm in a similar situation, have been for a while. It's really hard. I started asking questions a few weeks ago, (after my probation finished) taking it very cautiously. My feeling is that leaving would not help the young people. Neither would getting fired for saying the wrong thing. So slow and careful it is.

I'd just use the name. The pronouns would be lying. And if it sounds clunky, which it will, people will notice but not be able to say anything.

I think Dissidente has it right - you can do far more good for these young people if you can stay in role. I actually think any pronoun use in the presence of the young person is more damaging (social transition) than use in the office. I would go with names wherever possible. I don’t really think there’s an option other than name or preferred pronoun, unless ‘they’ is always acceptable in your office.

It is important, though, that you find a way to make it ok for you - remembering that it is critical these young people have access to someone who will offer them a route back, not just cheer them on might help?

I totally get it. I work in post 16 education. It's a minefield. Some want to talk about how men are taking over women's spaces and some compel us to affirm they are something other than male or female. I can't keep up and it fries my head. I do my best to use just their names if they are in the second camp. I get it wrong often. I apologise whilst inwardly seething that I shouldn't have to refer a clearly female ASD student as they, or a boy in a miniskirt as she. I just keep hoping that the strides being made towards biological reality as being a protected belief will keep being made and then I can get on with my job of teaching science rather than affirming gender ideology woo. I feel nothing but compassion for the students as they are swept along in the contagion and lack the wisdom and critical thinking skills to see how damaging this can be to them.

Don't even get me started on the occasions when I have to do a parent evening using their given legal name and sex yet address them as something else during school hours. Don't tell the parents they have a different name and gender, "it's all about safeguarding and the child's wishes must be respected" is the SLT mantra. Only it's the opposite.

No real advice but you have my sympathy. Good luck. You're doing important work. You might actually be the saving of somebody who needs help.

No please don’t speaking freely doesn’t get easier

when any one says my pronoun is I just say no thank you set out the equality’s act refer to them by their name and leave it at that

compelled speech is not legal

I just use names. It gets easier if you do it a lot, honestly.

I find it actually helps the teens I deal with - often trans ideology becomes this huge thing that they spend hours obsessing over. Using names and not focusing on pronouns (where it's so easy to slip up) helps to focus on more important issues for them in my experience. Focusing on what they're doing with their life, what they CAN do , positive changes they CAN make rather than making it all about other people (who they ultimately can't control) and the impact of other people on them.

It's a really unhealthy way to look at the world, to be constantly looking for the slightest sign someone is unsupportive / needing constant affirmation they are supportive as the critical factor in your mental health. It doesn't prepare them well for adult life where the fact is, most people they'll encounter won't care about them either way.

Just don't use pronouns.

One of the things I've started doing is checking why whichever names and pronouns are being used. Is it the child's request, does their resonsible adult know, have they changed back? Sometimes there are different names on different systems or lists.

I've noticed increasing numbers of people not using any pronouns at all. I wonder if we all did that what would happen. The language would change over time. It might not be a bad thing at all? I do believe there are several languages that are entirely gender neutral. If it is insisted that our language changes, then maybe this is the way to guide it longer term by common usage. Not much help OP. But the lying about children on a daily basis would cause me a breakdown.