Detrainsitioned daughter still trans at school

[Justadropofmilk]

My daughter transitioned socially at school when she was in Y9. It was months before I had any idea. The school changed her name to her chosen male name on all records. The first thing I knew about it was when I had a letter from the school referring to my son Joe*. I phoned to say there'd been a mix-up and out it came in bits and pieces that she was trans. It's been a dreadful 18 months: I've ended up on anti-depressants.

The good news is that late last year she started to desist. She got sick of the narcissistic behaviour of a couple of the other trans-identified kids and she also met a young lesbian who takes no shit and offered her an alternative role model. My daughter is back to using her original female name at home, knows she's female, says she's a lesbian and is more positive than she's been in a long time.

The only problem is the school. It's a hotbed of trans ideology. There's a core of teachers who encourage it and she can't face telling people that she's no longer Joe. She's nervous about being shunned by her trans friends and concerned about the reaction of one particular teacher. It's just occurred to her that she's been entered for her GCSEs in her male name. Her school has a sixth form but she wants to go to the one on the other side of our town where her lesbian friend goes. If her exams are in her trans name she's worried that what she wanted to be a fresh start will actually mean having to out herself.

Any thoughts? Will she be able to change the name on her exam certificate without having to involve the school or the sixth form?

*Not the real name.

I am pretty sure exams are in legal name. The exams officer will be in admin and won't necessarily contact this teacher.

However this teacher sounds quite influential on the whole issue. I think this needs to be flagged up. It's up to students how they identify and a teacher shouldn't be encouraging this. In fact it sounds like a safeguarding concern. I don't agree with students changing identity without parents being informed. Surely LGBTQ includes lesbians and it shouldn't be a club to promote trans ideology. If you don't want to do now then I think you should contact school to complain about the whole thing. I teach so don't usually promote complaining but this has got out of hand.

Children chnge schools for 6th form all the time; I doubt anyone will raise eyebrows. IF asked,she can just say she fancied a change. Where I live there's a lot of movement between Yr11 and Yr12, mainly just because the kids are sick of one place and want to spread their wings.

My son moved from the local 'outstanding' school to a slightly further, less well regarded one at 13. Not many people were interested, which was salutary in itself.

To kids at his new school he just said 'I like this one better', and to the one who'd heard something slightly more juicy, he snorted and said 'Sam would say that, wouldn't he?'

Best to keep the drama to a minimum.

I am just slightly shocked at the situation where your dd feels pressured into maintaining a trans identity and is scared of the consequences of being her ‘true self’.

It seems that for the trans lobby, being your ‘true self’ is only allowed under certain very limited circumstances approved by them.

How many more kids in how many more schools are going through this kind of coercion?

Yep, it's the opposite of kind. It is coercion and bullying.

They're not interested in any 'true self' that isn't proscribed by on high from the leaders of the ideology. Detransitioners aren't allowed a 'true self' and neither are GC kids or adults. Women generally aren't unless it props up the ideology (handmaidens and transmen)

Given how fluid everything is at that age, you'd expect there to be a large numbers of detransitioners... I bet there aren't because children are scared in school and there is a climate of fear. And of course no-one is looking at that sort of data and wondering if not many kids detransition why (the data shows that without hormones and surgery MOST detransition). It's a huge safeguarding failure.

Been listening to a Hannah Barnes interview and some of the stories are jaw on the floor stuff. Will be starting to read her book soon.

Hi OP - so glad that going through the paper work you have got the confirmation of the legal name being on the paper work.

Totally support your decision to prioritiese helping your daughter get through her exams. The pressure on student nowadays about exams is bad enough without bringing in another issue.

And of course it isn't right that she is worried about the reation of the trans gang and some teachers.

But let her get away from them and then challenge.

I hope she gets into the 6th form college where her new friend is. Who by the way sounds a complete treasure, and a model for all young GC women.

Best wishes to you and both of them. I am a sucker for a happy lesbian story!

Do you think she is also worried the teachers at the school will be trying to push the trans narrative on her even if she detransitions?

You sound like you are being sucked into drama by your dd. If she no longer wishes to be known as Joe then phone or write to school asking for them to change their records and let her teachers know. She also needs to tell her friends. Some kids like the drama and attention around changing gender. It sounds like you might be buying into this is feeding it. How do you know the teachers will not be supportive? I think your dd might be embarrassed that she wants to change back. You need to help her get over that.

Where I work we sent all ours out to pupils and teachers to confirm it was all correct.

there is no need to mention checking it for the reason you are it is about the right tiers and exams there are many reasons to check. And we have made quite a few tier amendments

Have you seen the hate directed at adult detransitioners? Why on earth would OP, who is clearly a great Mum, risk subjecting her DD to that?

The fact the DD doesn't feel comfortable telling people in school is telling. She's the one in that environment day in day out. I believe her fear is real and based on genuine concerns and dismissing this as 'drama' is incredibly insulting to OP who clearly has much greater insight into what's happening with her child and in her child's school than anyone on this board.

The OP didn't ask for advice about more general issues with parenting but quite specifically about the exams. She doesn't need wild speculation about her DD's behaviour.

dimorphism
Sorry I didn't realise I was not allowed to suggest the terrible advice of
contact the school and listen to what the teachers say rather than just accept what my teenager tells me
encourage your dd to tell her friends

Teenagers do not always see things that clearly. They are indeed very involved in a viewpoint that non trans people are against them. They can also get equally involved in other extreme points of view.

Stop falling over yourself to tell me what I am allowed to think, say or believe. I am allowed as a woman to have my own opinions and to state them.

You will get a lot of movement at sixth form. I would look at the subjects she wants to do and the strengths of the subject department if possible, then look at the syllabuses together online. If she’s not going to be doing the same courses as people in the old group then in might work out in the school she’s in. At my Dds school, by sixth form the gender ideology gang were very much diminished in numbers and most people kept out of their way, including the gay pupils.

Why would anybody think they should lecture a mother who has explained her daughters initial decision to transition at school happened behind her back, the impact it had on her, but has now been told by her daughter it was a mistake, but wants to be sure her exam results are in her real name.

Teachers would be the last people a mother would trust.

The question is very simple. Should exams be in the students legal name? Yes. How to find out if the school is doing this, without giving the school the excuse to double down on the daughter.

Is someone really thinks that mothers should trust teachers to decide whether there child is trans, I suggest you start a thread.

FWR responses to that thread would be quite illuminating!

I haven't read all the replies but wanted to clarify what the school should have done. I'm an office manager in a high school, I manage the exams officer and used to be an exams officer. I have worked in school for over 12 years.

A school will hold a legal name and preferred name for every student. These names would have originated either from the application you made at age 10/11 or from an electronic file sent by the primary school. For the purposes of communications, registers etc it is usually the preferred name that is used.

A school should definitely not be changing a legal name without having seen a legal document in that different name. I would say it would be bad practice to change the preferred name without discussion with the parents because of the issue with communications that ended up highlighting the situation to you.
As far as exams go....exam entries are input into the school's own database. A data exchange system then transfers that entry data from the school system to the exam board. This automatically picks up the legal name.
If the name Joe is appearing on the entry record it means that the school has incorrectly/illegally changed the legal name on the system.
You should definitely contact the exams officer and ask them to clarify. It's really important that the correct information is shown on the certificates.

I’m a Chair of Governors.

Please @Justadropofmilk , when your DD’s exams are over and she has officially left, write to the Chair of Govs and let them know what is going on at that school. If your DD is scared then undoubtedly other children are in the same situation. Do it anonymously if you feel you must but, as an adult, you have a duty to report this.

Any Governing Body worth its salt will take this very seriously indeed. I shall certainly be speaking with our Head and requiring assurance that this is not happening in our school immediately after the start of term.

Hi OP I'm pleased you have had clarification that you daughters exams will be in her name. Good luck with her revision and exams.
Pleased you are going to follow this up once she is leaving.

You can do a Subject Access Request which gives all the communication about your daughter held at school. This may be very useful to you when you go give them hell as you rightly should. You need to write the request in a certain way to ensure you get all the data, but you will find help on line if you Google. My school rang me and asked me why I wanted it, which I was a bit flummoxed at (mine was for SEND issues) but I don't think you have to tell them or at least have a prepared answer. Do copy in Safe Schools Alliance to your emails they were really helpful to me when checking toilets were single sex. There is a SSA person on Mumsnet but I can't remember her name.
Keep everything in writing. If you do get a call write an email to whoever summarising the telephone discussion.

So pleased for your daughter, leaving a cult like group must be really hard and I'm so pleased she has come back to you x

Look forward to your update in August!

What a messed-up culture at the school, where a child is too frightened to tell them she has detransitioned! She should be given every support available.

Depending on the subjects she’s doing for A level there might be different modules/units or chosen set texts etc that could be given as explanations of her wish to move. This would almost certainly be the case with history and quite possibly English lit - and possibly others as well.
I think you’re going about this very sensibly. I’d keep everything as calm as possible while she does her exams - and once she’s safely out of there raise hell.

Completely agree with this.

It is a lot to ask OP, but please do this even if anonymously. You will be helping so many scared children if you do.