Detrainsitioned daughter still trans at school

[Justadropofmilk]

My daughter transitioned socially at school when she was in Y9. It was months before I had any idea. The school changed her name to her chosen male name on all records. The first thing I knew about it was when I had a letter from the school referring to my son Joe*. I phoned to say there'd been a mix-up and out it came in bits and pieces that she was trans. It's been a dreadful 18 months: I've ended up on anti-depressants.

The good news is that late last year she started to desist. She got sick of the narcissistic behaviour of a couple of the other trans-identified kids and she also met a young lesbian who takes no shit and offered her an alternative role model. My daughter is back to using her original female name at home, knows she's female, says she's a lesbian and is more positive than she's been in a long time.

The only problem is the school. It's a hotbed of trans ideology. There's a core of teachers who encourage it and she can't face telling people that she's no longer Joe. She's nervous about being shunned by her trans friends and concerned about the reaction of one particular teacher. It's just occurred to her that she's been entered for her GCSEs in her male name. Her school has a sixth form but she wants to go to the one on the other side of our town where her lesbian friend goes. If her exams are in her trans name she's worried that what she wanted to be a fresh start will actually mean having to out herself.

Any thoughts? Will she be able to change the name on her exam certificate without having to involve the school or the sixth form?

*Not the real name.

Like pp suggested, it might be better to email. Then your daughter can see the email before you send it, and there's no chance of going off script. Also it could be copied to her school email address so that the teacher can see she has visibility of it.

I understand people saying to go storming in, but this is a child going through exams. However much you disagree with the idealogy, it's not the time.

Just explain clearly that your daughter's exams need to be in her legal name and you want to make sure this is happening. I agree with this and posters who have said similar. I know it's a big deal to your daughter but in realitu it's really not that complicated. I very much doubt that teachers, even if they somehow became aware of it which they surely wouldn't in a busy school with lots happening every day, wouldn't pay it any attention. Your daughter is one of hundreds of pupils at school.

Sex Matters have some basic guidance here https://sex-matters.org/posts/publications/sex-and-gender-identity-keep-your-pupils-safe-and-comply-with-the-law/

For definitive answers I would contact Safe Schools Alliance by email, FB or Twitter Messaging.

Agree with others you need to do this for your daughter she has asked for your help because at school she is still in the cult.

Moving to a different school for 6th form sounds a great idea but she needs to go with her GCSEs in her name not a 'nickname'.

It will be a nightmare in future if she has GCSE in her trans name as she will not be able to provide a paper trail that proves they are hers.

These activist teachers make my blood boil.

Good luck, but loads of advice on this thread.

Admittedly I'm not really clued up on all this, my eldest dd was non binary then identified as a boy for about 6 months. She reverted when she met her future husband and got married.
It all sounds like a brain washing cult situation for young people, scary stuff.

Does she have an exam timetable the name on that would be the same. Our school stance is it has to be the legal name and certainly the school should not have done anything different without your say so. The implications of having exam certificates with a different name to any official legal documents is huge.

schools can enter in a non legal name but should always make the consequences clear. If they haven’t then it is a massive breach and the exams department should be reported

I too think your Dd is already being bullied and you need to help her sort this out.

You need to avoid all the ABCDEF+++++ staff. Contact the exam person and state that your contact is to remain completely confidential, ask what name your dd has for the Exam board. If it is not her actual name then take advise from the Safe School alliance.
Above all you should reassure your DD that you will sort this out. Plus after she leaves
school I would make an official complaint to the governors and OFSTED about what has happened to your dd.

Another one who thinks you must step up and confirm with the school that her birth name will be on her exam certs. The consequences are too serious for her down the line.

It's enraging to see that she's so frightened. This is precisely what women have been saying for years. Schools socially transitioning children are massively responsible for these extreme levels of social contagion. Your daughter is a victim of this. She shouldn't have to move school to avoid being bullied - but I completely understand why a fresh start away from that toxic culture is the right thing for her.

As others said, I would email and ask for clarification on the names on the exams.
Once she has finished and left, write a strong letter.
But to be honest, I would have strong words with your daughter, too. This is a mess entirely of her own making.

She went behind your back with all this. It has got out of control, and now you are having to try to sort out the mess.

@icanneverthinkofnc I don’t think having “strong words” is a good idea at the moment. The OP’s DD has now realised her mistake and is confiding in her mum. There’s no need to jeopardise that.

Yea this is good advice - sort out essentials now and once she's left kick up hell to stop this happening to other children

I'm so sorry this has happened, can you just call and ask for the exam entry paperwork so you can check it and leave it at that, don't mention the name at all? It's fucking ridiculous what our young lesbians are going through!

Another teacher here (albeit primary). This is absolutely appalling, I cannot believe what I'm reading.

I agree with others - you need to step up now and sort the exam situation. That really should be no big deal and could be done very confidentially.

Then I'd spend the next few months putting my complaint together ready for when she leaves. Use all the help available (Transgender Trend, etc), use the boards here, try to get any information from your DD about who she is frightened of. Then my complaint would be flying in to all the DSLs (safeguarding leads), the head, executive head, CEO of the academy trust, etc and I would not let it drop. It's not only the right thing to do for your daughter but for anybody feeling like your daughter in that school. It's not right and it's not how it should be.

I'm normally one who backs teachers to the hilt but behaving like this is wrong and severely compromises our professionalism and dedication to keeping children safe.

These activist teachers make my blood boil.

She's outright afraid of one teacher. It's horrific and certainly not a school that is keeping her safe.

Her exams will be in her legal name so I wouldn’t worry about that.

Do they call her ‘he’?

I would keep the name ‘Joe’ as I assume this is an abbreviation of her current name or even get her to start calling herself Joey or something.
And I would concentrate on getting the teachers to say ‘her’.

It would be quite challenging if she fought so hard to get them to change her name and pronouns and now she wants to change it again.
Whats going to happen in a few months time?

I worry about how other students are going to treat her if she keeps changing gender and she is putting a target on her back.

I do have students who I will change their name eg Joey instead of Joseph, especially if it’s a name they get bullied over.

The most concerning thing is how vulnerable she is and I would be talking about this with school.

She decided to change her entire gender because she was copying someone else and now she’s got a lesbian friend she’s decided she’s not actually trans anymore

Yes all teens go through phases (I know I did) but it’s really concerning how she seems to go along with whatever new friend she has at the time.

Whats going to happen when she starts dating?
She’s going to be too easily coerced into doing something she doesn’t want to.

I would be making sure she goes to a good sixth form or college and I’d explain to them how vulnerable she is.

I’m sorry you and your dd are going through this OP. Exams are stressful enough without all this other stuff and I agree with PP that the fact your dd is scared to be herself at school is appalling.

Having said that, if dd doesn’t want you to do anything about it now then I would leave it and raise merry hell once she’s left. I would also play the big bad wolf with school if needed to sort out the exam name issue. I would approach the school initially with a query about what name she’s been entered under. You don’t need to explain why you want to know. If it’s her name then fine. If not then I would deal with school to say it needs to be and if there is pushback I would say I/we as her parent(s) think it is important for her to have in her name for the future. That way if dd is asked about it she can ‘blame’ you with no comeback on her.

And writing that out really highlights how despicable this situation is.

Know need to explain why you need to check... I received a confirmation of the exams that my daughter has been entered for, along with her date of birth, exam number etc. This is normal ... you can ask for this.

This seems like the situation to give her the "mum (or dad) is being a dick" line, if she needs it. Try to sort it privately with the exam officer, but if it gets out, she can tell friends that you are obsessed with her legal name and she tried to argue but you overruled her.

In contacting the school to make sure she has her accurate name on her exam certs, you're not only being the adult in the room but you're modelling for her that you can take back some control.
She's terrified of some of her peers and staff and somehow you need to help her regain her inner confidence - or it could become lifelong learned behaviour. Helping her build up her resilience will be important so that in her new school, she doesn't get sucked into identical toxic groups.
In my experience, some bullied children move school and it's great - no more bullying as it was the school / group that was the problem. For others, they can end up being victimised again. As parents we can help by talking this through - what will she do differently next time? And maybe get her external support so she can work out for herself why this happened.

We shouldn't have to lie or be evasive about why we want our children's actual name on important certificates. It should be a given.

My children are well into adulthood but I'm sure I remember having to produce their birth certificates when they were starting a new school. That was more about age in those days, nobody considered 'gender' at all. I'd expect the name on the bc to be the one the school officially used for them, only altering it with proper proof after an adoption or mother's remarriage or whatever. But not on a whim. Obviously, in day to day school life shortened names, middle names etc might be used.

What really infuriates me here is the power of the activist teachers and the fear parents & children have of them.

As Mr Justice Knowles said in a different context, we've never had Gestapo, a Cheka or Stasi in this country. Some people need reminding of that on a regular basis, it seems.

I have to say I agree with this.

What you are seeing is a massive safe guarding issue within the school and a breakdown in trust between a child and the school.

That shouldnt just be brushed under the carpet.

My thoughts here are that you need to have a chat with your daughter about the ramifications of this - not just for her but also for other children and how it could put someone at risk.

I'd also argue that there is a window after she has completed her exams but before the school has closed for the year where you both could address the school on this.

If she doesn't feel she can go direct to the school, could you consider other avenues to go over the head of the school? Do you have an MP who is potentially sympathetic (Tory)? Or a council? Or going down the local authority route? Or as Dating says other organisations like safe school alliance.

I would urge you to encourage your daughter not to sit on her hands and think it's not her responsibility and it's 'over' when she leaves school.

As you rightly point out there is huge amount of pressure and she's concerned about being unable to have a clean slate. She's lucky she wants to go to another place for sixth form - but this is being also driven by the school.

The school need to be developing a detransition plan and for transitioner to be aware it exists as part of safeguarding...

This is a hot bed and I reckon at this rate we are going to have a group of kids with some serious mental health issues because of all the pressure surrounding the continuing trans debate. I really hope that your DD is ok, these kids should be able to be who they are without fear of reprisals.

Her school has a sixth form but she wants to go to the one on the other side of our town where her lesbian friend goes. If her exams are in her trans name she's worried that what she wanted to be a fresh start will actually mean having to out herself.

I think she just needs to focus on her exams and not worry about this. I think it's clear from pp responses that her GCSE certificates will be issued with her legal name, and that if the school makes a mistake and registers her with the incorrect male name then getting it amended will be easy. The sixth form doesn't need to know. The end is in sight.

I'd email the exam officer requesting exam certificates be in her legal birth name.

All it takes is one activist teacher.......I know of a school ( an all girls school) in which a young trans identified male teacher ran the school LGBTQ+ lunchtime club ( these clubs are very common in schools). Quite a number of vulnerable girls attended - due to home and family issues, the questioning of the sexuality and other issues; this teacher was actively encouraging some of the girls to consider whether they "might be trans".

If there is a particularly cool tecaher at school ( most likely a younger teacher) who the pupils like and admire, and who is pushing gender ideology, then I can understand why a child might feel anxious about desisting from an adopted trans identity. The feeling of somehow being a coward or a failure or of being transphobic would be strong; especially if you think the admired teacher may disapprove in some way. The child would also lose status in the eyes of other pupils.

There are definitely trans activist teachers in most secondary schools - even if it is only one or two. That is is all it can take. They fly under the school radar in the guise of being LGB friendly, running the lunch-time club etc

Those teachers are taking huge risks. Reverse this and imagine Mr Perkins running a lunchtime group for year 9 heterosexual children to chat about sex / relationships? Or Ms Reynolds running a group for year 11 boys to discuss the same? Let alone year 11, 12 & 13 students running these groups

The lack of supervision, safeguarding and accountability with these groups is off the scale and those involved (including SLT) are opening themselves up to allegations of grooming children. Any parent knowing that these are happening in their child's school should be raising this as a safeguarding concern.