Detrainsitioned daughter still trans at school

[Justadropofmilk]

My daughter transitioned socially at school when she was in Y9. It was months before I had any idea. The school changed her name to her chosen male name on all records. The first thing I knew about it was when I had a letter from the school referring to my son Joe*. I phoned to say there'd been a mix-up and out it came in bits and pieces that she was trans. It's been a dreadful 18 months: I've ended up on anti-depressants.

The good news is that late last year she started to desist. She got sick of the narcissistic behaviour of a couple of the other trans-identified kids and she also met a young lesbian who takes no shit and offered her an alternative role model. My daughter is back to using her original female name at home, knows she's female, says she's a lesbian and is more positive than she's been in a long time.

The only problem is the school. It's a hotbed of trans ideology. There's a core of teachers who encourage it and she can't face telling people that she's no longer Joe. She's nervous about being shunned by her trans friends and concerned about the reaction of one particular teacher. It's just occurred to her that she's been entered for her GCSEs in her male name. Her school has a sixth form but she wants to go to the one on the other side of our town where her lesbian friend goes. If her exams are in her trans name she's worried that what she wanted to be a fresh start will actually mean having to out herself.

Any thoughts? Will she be able to change the name on her exam certificate without having to involve the school or the sixth form?

*Not the real name.

I thought exams had to be in the child's legal name? (Assuming she hasn't changed it by deed poll.) Can you email the exams officer and ask.

I'd support her in trying to disentangle herself without massive social damage as much as you can. If that meant moving schools I'd certainly consider it.
Don't know about the exam paper and her male name, sorry.

Exams and exam certificates have to be in her legal name. That will be the name that she’s been entered under.

She doesn't want me to contact or email or speak to anyone at all in case it gets referred back to the school. She wants to get through her exams with as little disruption as possible and then get out of there. She's scared of the fall-out.

I've googled and the information is conflicting. There's mention that students have to register with the name on their birth certificate, which would be great. But there's also advice from trans organisations saying that schools can enter children in their preferred names and the school has her down as Joe in everything.

I would approach the school as her mum and tell them the GCSEs need to be in her legal name so that she doesn’t have to address the pressure. If there’s any push back I would say something along the lines of - she currently has no way to document her identity in her male name and it’s more important, at this stage, for her to be able to benefit from the qualifications she earns than to have her name affirmed on certificates she won’t look at again after she goes to uni. That when she’s 18 she can consider changing her name legally and if she wants to deal with the rigamarole of that, but she is course try comfortable with it simply being a use name and not something on her documentation.

Basically I’d try to take the pressure so she doesn’t have to.

*course try = currently (!)

The exams officer at the school should have issued all Y11 students with a statement of exam entries that your DD will have to sign and return to the exams officer to confirm a) she has been entered for the correct exams b) she has been entered under the correct name. Does your DD remember receiving it? That will have the name that she is entered under on it.

If that had her legal name on it then you don't need to worry. If DD doesn't remember receiving anything like that, you could ask her to speak to the exams officer and be issued one or if she doesn't want to ring the school and speak to them yourself.

We get lots of parents asking for exam timetables for their children, it's not an unusual request. You can ask to check she has been entered under the correct name so when the certificates are issued they will be correct (if names are wrong it's £40 per certificate to be reissued so it's not cheap). If the name is wrong, the exam officer can send an amendment to the exam boards, that doesn't cost anything & it's a quick process.

I'm wondering whether to get her to ask at school. She absolutely doesn't want me to say anything in case I inadvertently reveal her change of heart. The teacher who facilitates the LGBTQIA+ group at the school might be the one to approach. Problem is, if she's registered for the exams under her birth certificate name that might prompt them to try to change it to her trans name. She'd then have to say no, leave it in her original name and that might set them off. I'm trying to be reassuring and telling her that whatever happens we can sort it out in the summer.

Dd is Year 10 and the pressure to not be a straight woman is so much! Dd calls herself they/them but I’m pretty sure it’s just to fit in. The main trans ring leader has shown some awful behaviour towards a student who was trans but she’s now happier as the female age was born and so is a “traitor”. Dd has supported that friend but the two of them have lost the rest of their friendships over it. As a result Dd now sees through a lot of the ideology. Parenting teens is hard because it’s honestly like there’s a whole different world and logic means nothing. Make sure GCSEs are in her name and keep conversations going so you can support your Dd. You’ll come through it!

I realise you don't want to involve the school sorry. In which case yes you can amend the certificates after exam results are issued but it will cost a lot of money. Normally parents would go via the school for this service. Certificates are not issued until final reviews of marking are done - usually October/November sometimes December.

I guess the problem will be the statement of results in August which she will use for sixth form entry - if that has her trans name on. I guess first thing to check if that is the case. If it is, I don't see it will be a problem for the new sixth form if you explain when she goes for induction. There will be lots of forms to complete, she just has to complete them in her legal name.

The certificates can be dealt with afterwards, she won't need those for sixth form entry.

She will be registered for her exams in her legal name. Exams cannot be sat under an assumed, or "known as" name. School cannot enter her under another name and they will not have done this.
I would be a little suspicious that she is so keen to prevent you from talking to school and wonder if she's trying to live a double existence.

Just to say a colleague at work recently had to retake qualifications maths and English as she uses one name but her original certs were in a different name. She is 31 and it was very stressful for her.

Thank you for this. She's gone to bed now so I'll ask her what paperwork she's had in the morning. My guess is she hasn't had anything, otherwise she'd know what the situation is.

I'd phone but she's scared that just by mentioning the whole issue of names I'll give them the idea that she's no longer trans. She's living a double life. But only another three months and then she can escape.

Her qualifications are important. You do need to I think in this situation try and find out even if she's not keen for you to. As PP have said it will be costly and difficult to change if it's wrong.

You could just ask the school for a copy of the statement of exam entry for your DD. You don't need to get into why. For all they know the next course she wants to enrol on wants to see it. If pressed, you could say she's considering courses abroad - I doubt they'd know enough about foreign courses to know if them asking for this is realistic or not.

In a worst case scenario you could contact the exam board to find out what info they have registered but no doubt that would be complicated and difficult.

I have taught a number of trans/NB/ students who have changed their name and they are all entered under their legal names, even the 18 year olds, because none of them had changed it by deed poll. The Exams Officer is highly unlikely to be discussing this with random members of staff and anyway, you can request confidentiality re your communications. Teachers are not allowed to invigilate public exams so it won’t be an issue there either. It’s not uncommon for students to be known by one name in school and by another name on exam entries and certificates - I’ve often only discovered this when dealing with coursework submissions for A-Level, as it involves official paperwork.

I'd phone but she's scared that just by mentioning the whole issue of names I'll give them the idea that she's no longer trans. She's living a double life. But only another three months and then she can escape.

Oh yes, so 'kind' to create an environment where a child lives in fear - fear that is so great she's willing to risk having the wrong name on her qualifications - has to live a double life, and dreams of the day she can 'escape'. It's just awful.

It's notable how the kindness only extends to a decision one way about inner identity and not the other, isn't it?

I really hope your DD weathers this period, focuses on her exams, and enjoys escaping to A-levels OP. And I also hope the right name is on her exam registration.

Grateful to all of you. It's difficult to know how these things are organised so the inside knowledge is valuable. We'll find a way.

I also think the same as PP that it's highly unlikely the exams officer would have entered a child using a name that is not their legal name. I have worked with a number of EOs and they are all sticklers for rules. Quite rightly - it's not a criticism! As exams are a legal process, effectively, and schools can be in all kinds of hot water if it is managed wrongly.

If you go via the exams officer there shouldn't be any need for it to be known beyond that. Just say you want to check she has been entered under her legal name. It should just be a simple "yes it has" (because otherwise they've really fucked up) and that's the end of the conversation with school.

Once she's left, I would make an official complaint about the pressure the school has put on her to maintain a gender identity that she doesn't believe in. That is appalling.

I'm liberal thinking but god this makes me so annoyed. My DC age 12 & 13 know so many Pan / bi / trans kids I wonder if there are many hetro sexual or gays left

I believe you need to step up for your daughter. Contact the examinations officer at the school and ask them what names they have used to enter her into exams. Then contact the head and complain about their behaviour. That your DD is female, wants to be seen as female and if there are any repercussions from other students or staff you will complain to anyone who will listen.
the school have massively over reached here because they will have been Stonewalled - ie given very misleading information. They had absolutely NO RIGHT to use different names for your child behind your back. By doing so, they have not left any space for your child to decide that actually she is no more a boy than a rabbit, she feels she needs to save face.
The best thing in this situation is that your daughter will soon be out of there.

Can you sit down with your DD and together email admin at the school, requesting confirmation of the name on the certificate.

My year 11 daughter went non-binary and changed her name in year 9, she went back to being female and her original name a few months ago- however didn’t want the drama of telling school. We were told, when she changed to her new chosen name in year 9, that unless her name was legally changed all her formal paperwork (school transfers, exams etc) would be in her original name. She has been entered into her GCSEs in her original name. She is using the move to (a different) 6th form to fully revert back to her original name.

Or find out who the exam coordinator is at the school and ask them to use DDs legal name which is xx. If DD is ever asked about it she can just say very little. She could even give a random excuse ‘probably easier to have my legal name on the exam certificate, I’m not quite settled on the name joe and might go for Steve or Philip instead but don’t want to rush decision’

Bloody hell, this is appalling.

That children are so frightened by what their peers and teachers will tell them, that they carry on with social transition at school, leading a 'double life'.

It's not surprising that Hilary Cass said that transitioning children at school is not a neutral act, and should only be done in conjunction with a medical professional.

OP, I can see that your daughter is under tremendous pressure, and you don't want to add to that, understandably. But when this is over, perhaps you could take it further. If she doesn't want you to do that, maybe you could do it anonymously? Contacting Safe Schools Alliance to give them your story?

The more people who know about this sort of coercion, the better.

I have no doubt that your daughter will be much happier as an out and proud lesbian. And kudos to you for your determination to navigate these turbulent waters with such resolve.