Detrainsitioned daughter still trans at school

[Justadropofmilk]

My daughter transitioned socially at school when she was in Y9. It was months before I had any idea. The school changed her name to her chosen male name on all records. The first thing I knew about it was when I had a letter from the school referring to my son Joe*. I phoned to say there'd been a mix-up and out it came in bits and pieces that she was trans. It's been a dreadful 18 months: I've ended up on anti-depressants.

The good news is that late last year she started to desist. She got sick of the narcissistic behaviour of a couple of the other trans-identified kids and she also met a young lesbian who takes no shit and offered her an alternative role model. My daughter is back to using her original female name at home, knows she's female, says she's a lesbian and is more positive than she's been in a long time.

The only problem is the school. It's a hotbed of trans ideology. There's a core of teachers who encourage it and she can't face telling people that she's no longer Joe. She's nervous about being shunned by her trans friends and concerned about the reaction of one particular teacher. It's just occurred to her that she's been entered for her GCSEs in her male name. Her school has a sixth form but she wants to go to the one on the other side of our town where her lesbian friend goes. If her exams are in her trans name she's worried that what she wanted to be a fresh start will actually mean having to out herself.

Any thoughts? Will she be able to change the name on her exam certificate without having to involve the school or the sixth form?

*Not the real name.

Do they realise the risk they are taking?

If the backlash really does swing as much as I think there is potential for, then there is going to be an almighty scandal around this at some point in the future. Not necessarily near future but maybe a decade or so.

Can't believe how many responses this has had. I don't have time to reply to all the different points.

This morning she went through all the paperwork she's had from school and she has a print-out of the exams she's been registered for and it includes her original name. So it looks as if there was no need to worry. Thank you to those who suggested checking this. She's greatly reassured.

I might, in a week or two's time, contact the school and confirm the situation with the exam coordinator/ officer in the strictest confidence.

This is the most important term in her school life so far and the last thing she wants is extra stress. I know her and I've met her trans friends and can see how difficult some of them could be if they turned against her. So I'm going to do what I can to ease her out of there with minimum fuss. And then I'm going to make life difficult for the school and for at least one teacher whom I regard as chief trans recruiting sergeant. This is the 'best' school in the area, by the way. Highly academic, very competitive, best for sport. I'm told by other parents in similar situations that it's these hothouse schools that are the worst.

My extensive safeguarding experience has taught me that the ethos of a school is critical in ensuring clear safeguarding boundaries. Once schools start blurring boundaries, encouraging adults to share their personal / sexual experiences with children, (bring your whole self to work etc) and creating a culture where boundaries are pushed (year 11's discussing sex with year 7s etc) children are no longer safe.
Adolescents push boundaries - it's what they do. Responsible adults put in place "rules" that protect & guide and help them avoid the catastrophic "mistakes" that lead to them ending up on the sex offenders register.

Glad that you've sorted out the name issue OP. Hopefully there's some useful information on here to think about when you've time. And (hope this doesn't sound patronising) but it's lovely to hear about a child coming out of this and retaining a positive relationship with parents. As you discovered when the school socially transitioned her without your knowledge, alienating children from their parents is a key feature of this ideology.

if her exam timetable has her name it is fine - the databases are all linked so if it is there it is fine. I suspected it would be exams have very strict guidelines and centres can be shutdown so unless a real push comes from a child/parent it will always be original name (and full name no nicknames)

This is her GCSE exam term. It's not the time to throw a hand grenade. I have always and will continue to be the adult in the room, and with an eye to her long-term future and well-being I've agreed to go softly-softly until exams are over and she's out of there. She's already aware that she took a wrong turn but she's found her way out of it. I think that shows strength of character — but she's my daughter and I would think that, wouldn't I?

You only have to listen to detransitioners to understand how much latent pressure there is to stick with the programme and not desist. My daughter doesn't want to deal with the social media pile-ons, the ridicule, being cold-shouldered by people who were her friends etc at the same time she's revising for and sitting exams.

They are definitely there and operating in schools and are very often young female teachers who have bought in to the whole 'be kind' bollocks without engaging their brains.

There are very serious safeguarding risks and red flags all round but many schools have bought in to this and see themselves as some sort of crusaders.

It is an horrendous dereliction of the duty of care that all teachers should have towards young people. Sickening.

And I agree about the LGBTQ+alphabet soup groups running at lunchtimes by activist staff...these need to be monitored closely but never are.

So sorry if I came over as critical - didn't mean to at all. It's evident that she trusts you and you've got her back through all this mess.
Such a tragedy that it's the school enabling all this.

Relieved to hear that the paperwork is all in order @Justadropofmilk I hope your DD is feeling reassured. I hope she does well in her exams and gets into her chosen sixth form. If you feel like updating the thread in August I'm sure we would love to hear how she gets on.

So glad the paperwork is in order, you can take the rest very softly softly now then and she can move on from it.

I'm going to do what I can to ease her out of there with minimum fuss. And then I'm going to make life difficult for the school and for at least one teacher whom I regard as chief trans recruiting sergeant.

Great plan. Update us if you have time.

Well done.

@Justadropofmilk Well done you and your DD.

I work in education and without being too outing I am in a role where people ask for certificates all the time. You do not need to mention trans, her name anything at all.

This will do 'I need a copy of her statement of entry please'. In writing to the exams officer. That's it. Forget female socialisation, you don't need to explain, just state what you want. They don't need to know why you need it. They can't reasonably say no, it's her data.

I'm glad it all looks fine but I agree, given the extreme trans activism in the school and the way these people are clearly putting their own political agenda above the children's needs, I would double check.

Just ask for what you want, no explanation needed. If they ask you to explain 'it's a private matter'.

There are loads of potential reasons why. Maybe you want to contact the exam board to ask for special consideration to be applied due to the death of a relative and for the sake of privacy for your daughter don't want to let the school know. If you don't feel you can trust the school, then I can think of several scenarios where you might want this. You might just simply think the school is incredibly disorganised and want to check, which is probably a good move anyway.

I am so pleased for your daughter that she has had that realisation and drawn back from this ideology. I feel for you and her in what you have gone through. There is a number of teachers who push this ideology and in many cases these teachers would if they had children I think be horrified if they feel they were being indoctrinated. There is no challenge and the idea that you allow a change of name so easily is just bizarre. How many children don't like their own name - perhaps they should be allowed to change it even if it has nothing to do with gender! I honestly feel that these teachers should be reported as they have breached safeguarding protocols and in many cases caused huge damage to youngsters.

As far as exams go the legal name should be the one that is used both in registering for the exam and on the certificate - it would be the same as if a child was called Will but full name was William.

I hope your daughter does well in her exams and sixth form can be a new start.

I would email the school. Simply say, please confirm that this student, who is know as 'x' at school has been entered for their exams as 'y' which is the name on their identifying documents. No further explanation required.

This - try and fine the e-mail of the exam officer or write labeling it for exam office and do the above as soon as possible. No-one else at the school needs to know but do it in writing.

My secondary exam officer was very clear certificates needed to be in our legal name - DC school never told any of them that.

Though for both DC so far we've had other issues needing contact with them and frankly they have left us very unimpressed - needing many e-mails and letters to get them to do what they should have been doing in first place - it's been pretty unbelievable to us TBH - so I wouldn't assume I'd step in as a parent and make sure the correct name is being used.

And to the poster upthread that said they think the homophobic bullying your DD is scared of constitutes a breach of KCSIE, I do agree but now is not the time to have this fight.

It would not be in the DD's best interests AT ALL. Have you SEEN how schools respond to being challenged on this stuff? On Vebrithien's thread she was accused of being defamatory for discussing facts with other parents! OP and her DD don't need that kind of stress in an exam year.

Raise a complaint by all means once she's left, but absolutely not now.

But of course, this is how they're winning. We all have to balance the repercussions of speaking up for our child and often it is not in our child's best interests. This is why schools are actively trying to prevent parents talking - claiming everything needs to be an individual complaint - because it's a lot harder to bully an entire group of parents into silence and it becomes impractical and rather damning to disadvantage a whole group of students.

Vebrithien has been a total star and really overcome many silencing tactics to get a group of parents together to ensure the school is acting appropriately. She's a total inspiration and shero! Here's the thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4733278-sex-not-gender-no-outsiders-changing-the-equality-act-depheaddsl-captured?page=1

I've just seen your last post and pleased that her name is sorted out. I agree that ensuring the exams run as smoothly as possible with exams is the priority until she finishes. After that I think it is possible to do/say something, it is so worrying that "professional" teachers can cause so much damage.

Thank you for all the further useful information. Now she's 99.9% certain she's going to get her exam certificates in her own name I think she might be in the mood to ask for her statement of entry from her exam coordinator at school — but if she won't, I'll quietly do so on her behalf.

This situation has made her all the more determined to do well in her exams so that the other sixth form will take her. As there are so many teachers on here, can I ask if there are likely to be eyebrows raised and questions asked that she has chosen to leave the 'best' school in the area to go to one that is regarded as second-best by many local parents?

Good to read that her exams will be sat in her name @Justadropofmilk, you sound eminently sensible and a great mum.

In my experience no. 6th forms are always pleased to have able students with a good work ethic applying.
I'd suggest you and she decide what she'd be comfortable in saying if asked why she chose this 6 form. Maybe something about liking the ethos of the new school? No need to share more details than you're comfortable with as long as you know she's got back up to deal with any challenges - which she evidently has in you.

If really pressed about a change of sixth form just say that it was for course preference. This can either be subject or even exam board as they have slightly different focus.

People might assume your DD didn't do so well in her exams and failed to get in to her current school's sixth form.

That might be the easiest way to gloss over it, let people assume and do nothing to correct them.

But children change schools for all kinds of reasons - the commute, parental influence, subject choice, wanting to move away from bullies etc. Rarely is it anything that reflects badly on the child.

DD could explain it saying "there was a bit of a personality clash with some of the people there, I felt it was a good idea to have a fresh start somewhere else". Then just refuse to give any more detail saying "I don't want to badmouth anyone, so I won't say any more".

But she may have to deal with there being some other individuals who move from the current school to the new one. It will be OK, but it may not be a totally blank slate.