Detrainsitioned daughter still trans at school

[Justadropofmilk]

My daughter transitioned socially at school when she was in Y9. It was months before I had any idea. The school changed her name to her chosen male name on all records. The first thing I knew about it was when I had a letter from the school referring to my son Joe*. I phoned to say there'd been a mix-up and out it came in bits and pieces that she was trans. It's been a dreadful 18 months: I've ended up on anti-depressants.

The good news is that late last year she started to desist. She got sick of the narcissistic behaviour of a couple of the other trans-identified kids and she also met a young lesbian who takes no shit and offered her an alternative role model. My daughter is back to using her original female name at home, knows she's female, says she's a lesbian and is more positive than she's been in a long time.

The only problem is the school. It's a hotbed of trans ideology. There's a core of teachers who encourage it and she can't face telling people that she's no longer Joe. She's nervous about being shunned by her trans friends and concerned about the reaction of one particular teacher. It's just occurred to her that she's been entered for her GCSEs in her male name. Her school has a sixth form but she wants to go to the one on the other side of our town where her lesbian friend goes. If her exams are in her trans name she's worried that what she wanted to be a fresh start will actually mean having to out herself.

Any thoughts? Will she be able to change the name on her exam certificate without having to involve the school or the sixth form?

*Not the real name.

The idea that what’s on your birth certificate is your “legal name” is not really justified under UK law. There is no statute that gives a definition of someone’s legal name. Court ruling have, over centuries, affirmed that people can assume any name providing the intention is not to deceive.

Government departments have, especially since 9/11, brought in policies that have a de facto impact of requiring some form of “official” documentation to make changes to names on identification documents, but their policies do not make law. If the school think your DD has been using [male name] as her real name for some time, they are justified in thinking of it as her legal name.

I suspect this is the basis that the people telling schools they can enter a child under their trans name are using to justify their advice. They aren’t really wrong. But that doesn’t make it good advice.

I think you need to make the case that despite her using that name at school, because she doesn’t currently have a good way to prove that identity, she would prefer they continue to use the name on her birth certificate for official documents. And she will look into documenting a name change when she feels ready to, if she decides that it’s worth it.

""I'd phone but she's scared that just by mentioning the whole issue of names I'll give them the idea that she's no longer trans. She's living a double life. But only another three months and then she can escape."

It says a lot about this school that pupils are afraid to admit that they are developing normally and not being bent out of shape by a grotesque and bizarre cult.

Hello OP - so sorry for you and the impact of what has happened to your daughter at school has made your life difficult.

But so glad your daughter has thought this through, and although it seems hard having to go through a period of more deception, but if it helps her get through her exams and then move on to a school where she will be happy, then maybe you can take the positive from that.

Also after a quick google have found this:

The name you choose to enter exams with must match a name on suitable identification, like a passport or birth certificate. If your name and gender have not been legally changed at the time you are being enrolled for exams, your school will have to use your legal name and gender.
https://childrenslawcentre.org.uk/faqsyp/can-my-exam-records-entries-certificates-be-updated-to-reflect-my-name-change/

So if this is the legal position then surely even in the most unconfrontational name you could just ask the school that you want to check they are doing that. If they ask, just say you have found out it is the regulations and that you know (they told you?) that she uses another name at the school, but you want to be sure that all her hard work towards her exams isn't invalidated by the wrong name. If they question you in any way about does this mean she has changed, just say that isn't why you are asking, just checking to make sure things are right for her because it her future.

Sorry not very well expressed. But basically you have found out about legal names on exams, Just a quick query to check that is what they are doing. Hopefull the school will say of course, we are well aware of that. Or, goodness we didn't know that, better make sure our exam entry information is legally correct! Thanks so much for letting us know .... :)

I understand you don't want to pressure your daughter, but when this is over and she is able to change schools, she should write a confidential letter to the teachers that have been pushing this. It's hard for us gender-critical people to imagine, but at least some of them probably do mean well and your daughter's experience might give them pause. They are forcing a child to hide her gender identity at school. That's infuriating.

I would be a little suspicious that she is so keen to prevent you from talking to school

Why? She's effectively trying to escape a cult. It's no surprise the poor girl is terrified of the remaining cult members finding out.

It's better if you ask. That way she can use you as a human shield if word gets out. Just contact the Exams Officer and ask if you can see a copy of her entry paperwork.

Well I've really heard it all now. A young woman is scared to come out as cisgendered (gender and sex mstch) because she fears backlash from her peers and her TEACHERS !!

I really don't have advice I'm flummoxed. A fresh start sounds good, so approach the new school now. In the meantime I'd get as much info about the exams (plenty of advice already given) but also course work/syllabus etc. I don't want to frighten you but if things get tricky at school she might have a mrlt down and not go back in so get as much of her books etc at home so she can revise.

I wonder, could your daughter have ASD (even 'mild'). There's an alarmingly disproportionate amount of autistic girls identifying as male which begs the question are they all really transgender.

you need to get the name changed now, or she could effectively end up with no GCSEs, and that trumps and disquiet she may have about facing the school now.

YOu can ask the exams officer not to tell anyone.

But I have seen the total mess resulting from trying to change names on certificates later, she will never be able to prove she was "joe", and will have to carry around certificates with "Joe" on it, and some sort of sworn affidavit that was her, to show every employer for the rest of her life.

I have seen this a couple of times when mum has given their child the surname of a temporary step father for a few years, and it has decended into chaos

Surely as a parent you can contact either the head or head of safeguarding or the exams officer about this.

Just explain clearly that your daughter's exams need to be in her legal name and you want to make sure this is happening.

Teenagers often get things out of perspective, if you ask for it to be done confidentially the school should respect that.

Maybe contact the Bayswater group for support (or safe schools alliance/transgender trend).

All this name changing sets the school up for awful consequences if any incidents have to be recorded and the staff aren't aware of what the actual names are.

You have to keep records of incidents on file for 100 years in case of historic csa cases etc.

Personally I'd contact the head, DH or lead of safeguarding and 1/ make sure the name is correct and 2/ make a complaint about the culture of the school not making it a safe one for children like your own.

I'd be inclined to make that point further too with governors.

Your daughter is effectively experiencing homophobia as she feels unable to say she's not a boy but could be a lesbian.

Which is specifically mentioned in KCSIE the key safeguarding law the schools must adhere to.

Which is what you could say/ point out to make sure they understand and put steps into place to ensure she doesn't receive the homophobic bullying she's co concerned about.

I would do this. You can make out you are just checking at this stage. You can ask about this without using gendered pronouns: “Please let me know which name has been entered for exam purposes for my child legally registered as x but known as y at school.” It’s a bit wordy I know but schools produce gender neutral letters all the time these days to avoid using pronouns.

I would definitely raise a massive complaint now or once your dd has left. She is 16, probably feels almost like she’s an adult and doesn’t want to make a fuss. But because she’s 16 and you’re a mature woman and mum, you know your dd is still very much a child and you know the power imbalance at play here.

You should go ahead and call the school, take the pressure off her. She's still a kid and needs her mother to step in at this difficult juncture

If you contact the school rather than leaving it to your daughter, you can play the role of ‘wicked anti-trans parent’ if you need to, and keep the heat off your daughter.

It is absolutely appalling that your daughter, and presumably other children are being bullied in this way.

We are supposed to believe that trans people are ‘the most marginalised and oppressed group in society’. Hmmm 🤔

I would email the school. Simply say, please confirm that this student, who is know as 'x' at school has been entered for their exams as 'y' which is the name on their identifying documents. No further explanation required.
I wouldn't telephone.

Ask to speak to whomever is in charge of safeguarding with the assurance the conversation is private. Then explain the situation and get some advice.

Way back when I went to school on a dinosaur and took O Levels one of my cohort was Italian and had lived in Italy for a few years before coming back to the UK, this meant that for her certificates to be valid in Italy it had to have her full name, not first name, middle name, surname but I think (this was the 80s) it had to include her parents names.

Could you find something similar so that DD has a really good reason to have her legal name on her certificates?

Maybe you are considering a move to the middle east, or something.

I've just had a look at AQA, they will change the details on certificates for free for trans people.

That could be a way in, that DD has not decided on her full name change yet, she is considering adding a middle name after a grand parent or other such excuse so it will be easier if she uses her birth name on the exam entry and then has it amended at a later date.

https://www.aqa.org.uk/contact-us/certificate-services/amendments-to-original-certificates

I'm a teacher, if this is genuinely going on you need to go into the school and complain. I can't understand why you wouldn't be kicking up a massive fuss at your child being forced to live a lie. Firstly due to kids bullying - totally unacceptable and should be dealt with appropriately by the school. Peer on peer abuse is a big focus for safeguarding and something ofsted would be very interested in if it isn't addressed. Secondly because she is scared of how teachers will react - it's just so massively wrong that a teacher/s is/are pushing their views and agenda onto a child. It's against everything we are told to do and should also be being seriously investigated by the school. If you don't get any luck with the school I'd be going to ofsted and the press. Thankfully this isn't a situation I recognise at all in my school but if it is going on elsewhere it needs to be addressed.

Also as others have said your child will know what name they have been entered under for the exams, they would have signed a document about it already.

If this is happening in one school it must be happening in others, we are sleepwalking into a very confused future for these children. So sad.
i understand why you want to respect your DD’s wish and not kick a major complaint TODAY!!! Teenage years are tough.
please please think about it though, I would definitely contact ofsted, this needs addressing.

I think this is one situation where you, as the parent, need to be involved. Exam certificates are really important documents that your Dd will potentially need to use, not just in the next few years, but potentially for a ping time. I'm 50y and would need to produce some exam certificate even now if I applied for a new job in this sector.

I also think this is the necessary approach. I think you have to take this on as her parent, and then (as with a parent who agrees to be the bad guy if e.g. a child wants to leave a party) she can disclaim responsibility for it if asked at school. "Oh yeah, mum's really worried that I need the certificates in my legal name - better just to let her get on with it."

I'd go directly to the exams officer if humanly possible as they are generally regulation driven and I think most likely to recognise this is ultimately a paper trail question because no matter which way you slice it you don't want exam certificates dated 2023 and a deed poll dated 2024 (for example) even in a world where she did decide she wanted to be called Joe.

Your poor daughter, what an absolute shit show. It's great that she has demister but what an absolutely appalling state of affairs that children are subjected to such treatment. I know kids can be vile, but the teachers really make me want to puke.

Please document everything and, when your daughter moves schools, report these events to the relevant authorities. Teachers should not be facilitating all this much less pressuring kids like this.

We're in Scotland.

My child's new name was used for exams. No legal change had been made.

Scotland has a known as law. As long as there's no intention to defraud.

Where are you OP?

I am absolutely horrified at this. Your poor daughter. I would be tempted to contact the headteacher immediately, but if your daughter really doesn't want you to then on the day of her last exam I would be up at the school. I would be notifying the governors as well about the teacher who is causing this problem.

I would stick to what your daughter wants at the moment because she feels very powerless and it wouldn't be a good time to override her. However, once she has left school I would feel completely free to make a complaint.