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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Former Trans Child of Gender Critical Parents (very long). *Trigger warning - descriptions of self harm and suicide* - Title edited by MNHQ

541 replies

pop91 · 26/03/2022 22:33

Hi,

To start I wanna say I'm writing this post in good faith to provide the viewpoint of a Trans person with Gender Critical parents but I know this is the internet and this will probably just be trolled to death but here goes.

I had a pretty regular 'happy' family setup, and apparently first told my parents of my identity at just 5yrs old but the first I remember is at 8yrs old when I refused to go by my 'very gendered' birth name but my parents insisted on using it especially publicly.

My parents were never particularly strict on gender roles in the home - my sister would wear my dad's glasses and jacket and stomp around with his briefcase in hand and my brother had an emo phase with heels and mascara to match and apart from some grumbling from my father it was never the biggest issue in our house.

Sexuality was different though even though my father would class himself as a pragmatic centrist, barring a socialist university phase, and my mother a card-carrying progressive New Labour type whose Best Friend was the most flamboyant gay man and an Aunt who lived with her 'friend' until she passed. There was an uncomfortableness with sexuality where both my parents would call it a lifestyle choice and opposed gay marriage - cut to three years ago when my older brother came out as bisexual and last month the youngest sister as a lesbian Grin but rest assured the other 3 siblings remain firmly 'normal.'

Back to me and by 12 I had started puberty and was experiencing debilitating gender dysphoria - I would look into the mirror and see nothing that matched my brain. I would continue to feel this way until the bullying and dysphoria got so bad that one night I climbed into my bathtub with a kitchen knife hoping I could change my body to fit my brain somehow I managed not to perform self-surgery in my bathtub.

A couple of months later I came clean to my parents, I wasn't expecting a big hug but I wasn't expecting what came next. They ignored it as if I had told them what I wanted for dinner, they decided they didn't hear what I had said at all.

Over the next year, the internet became my friend as I found ways to affirm my gender by doing hidden things at first and then slowly more outward things. I came out to my siblings and although they found it confusing my oldest brother and sister were a godsend who I wouldn't have survived without, They helped me pick out a new haircut and new clothes and we came up with a new name.

I came out in school and sure there was bullying but I was feeling so Euphoric that it almost didn't matter. When the teachers found out they informed my parents and that's when everything changed! My parents sat me down and said I was just confused. They threw out my new clothes, anything that I used to affirm my gender, even my shoes and magazines then they took my bedroom door off and took away my laptop and phone and forced my older siblings to refer to me by my birth name, my older brother and sister stopped supporting me and I lost my only family support and anything that was helping me.

Eventually, when they realised everything they had done hadn't worked and I still felt the same way, they decided to try both religious and non-religious conversion therapy which left permanent scarring to my mental health and I frequently have nightmares about it.

At 15 I had my first suicide attempt and my parents forced me to lie and say it was due just to bullying at school but that wasn't true it was the dysphoria and conversion therapy that was killing me.

From 15 to 17 I had multiple suicide attempts and after the third one, my parents finally allowed me to stop the conversion therapy but still forcibly live as my 'biological' sex.

Eventually, I managed to get to a great University and at 18 I socially transitioned and by 20 I had started hormones. I now have a job that provides me financial stability and have an amazing partner, with 2 children from a prior relationship that I now consider like my own. We are also now having a baby very soon.

My mother now describes herself as Gender Critical and frequently posts online about how she will be unable to see her grandchildren because of her views, which is true as I will not allow my parents to see either my child or stepchildren.

My parents continue to refuse to acknowledge my identity and pronouns. The last time we talked, she said she believes I am just gay, which neither makes sense considering my partner's gender nor the fact she also has a terrible relationship with my lesbian sister and bisexual brother who also rarely allows his child to visit my mum, due to her comments about their sexualities.

I finally have the support back of all my siblings and we do frequently gather without my parents. I hope one day my parents change their minds but honestly I don't hold much hope and I don't know if I could forgive what they did to me.

A lot of online trans activists wish trans children for Gender Criticals but I don't, it wasn't very nice at all. If you're going to ask if I think kids should transition, the answer is I don't know as I didn't transition as a child and a social transition helped plenty for me.

Well that's it I think, just the perspective and experience of a trans person with Gender Critical parents, feel free to ask any reasonable questions or respectful questions. Smile

OP posts:
RoaringtoLangClegintheDark · 27/03/2022 00:10

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LondonWolf · 27/03/2022 00:10

[quote pop91]@Wafflemaker

though I don't suppose this is a good-faith question of what is a woman I will give the definition I find most appropriate:

Firstly women are in 99% of cases an adult human female who identifies as a woman and secondly in 1% of cases either a woman is an Adult Trans Woman who identifies as a woman or anyone who falls towards the women end of the gender spectrum and identifies as a woman.[/quote]
What a load of nonsense. I'm sorry I just can't be polite or even attempt to engage with this ridiculous ideology anymore.

RoaringtoLangClegintheDark · 27/03/2022 00:10

@PrelateChuckles

Hi, i am slightly sceptical of this post (Shhh, we're not supposed to say that out loud...)
Grin
Lovelyricepudding · 27/03/2022 00:11

What input did you have from camhs for your multiple suicide attempts?

pop91 · 27/03/2022 00:13

@sacredfeminina

Hi, i am slightly sceptical of this post, some of the phrases and things dont seem to add up, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

Firstly could you state what sex you were born as, as it is quite relevant. (I think you were born male, but please confirm.)

2nd, please could you describe what 'conversion therapies' you went through.

What transitioning have you done? Have you taken hormones, had surgery? If so what surgery? I imagine not bottom surgery if you are about to have a child?

Im sorry to hear your parents are homophobic, and I'm sorry to hear you dont have a good relationship with them. That can be hard, whatever the problem that is going on.

Also, please don't make some sprt of sweeping statement about 'gender criticals'. I personally am gender critical, as in I don't think we have innate genders in our brain, as these exist entirely based on stereotypes. I do however believe that gender dysphoria is real, and can be debilitating. I believe it requires good, compassionate therapy, and i think children require watchful, loving waiting. It is afterall better someones gets rid of the dysphoria in their head and lives happily with their healthy body, rather than taking chemicals and having surgeries which make that person drug-dependant and less healthy.

@sacredfeminina

Unfortunately, I don't feel I can disclose my biological sex or gender identity as I fear it would lead to abuse which would trigger my dysphoria.

The Non-religious therapies consisted of a sort of pseudo cbt where I was first told to conform to my biological sex and then having failed that moved to be told I was actually homosexual and not transgender.

The Religious versions were Christian and Muslim where they described me as a sexual deviant and tried to shame me into being 'normal.'

Neither Worked.

Yes, I take Hormones and have had Top surgery and I eventually plan to get Bottom surgery. I Won't reveal if I'm the partner carrying the child or not for the obvious reasons mentioned above.

Social Transition was the most beneficial aspect for me so I don't know if teens should medically transition or not. Maybe a case by case solution is best, no?

OP posts:
maeveiscurious · 27/03/2022 00:13

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pop91 · 27/03/2022 00:15

@PrelateChuckles

Hi, i am slightly sceptical of this post (Shhh, we're not supposed to say that out loud...)
That's okay.

I'm sceptical of most things online so I suppose I should expect the same.

OP posts:
Lovelyricepudding · 27/03/2022 00:15

Christian and Muslim Hmm

pop91 · 27/03/2022 00:16

@titchy

I assume you're American? Religious 'therapies' aren't really a thing here. And your imaginary parents were absolutely not gender critical!
British.

Maybe not common but certainly they exist especially in minority communities.

OP posts:
pop91 · 27/03/2022 00:18

@Lovelyricepudding

Christian and Muslim Hmm
Yh

My Mother is Christian and My Father is Muslim.
Though neither of them is particularly religious.

OP posts:
Lovelyricepudding · 27/03/2022 00:19

Because people with fundamentalist religious beliefs like to go to other belief systems for their therapies...

Fellforitagain · 27/03/2022 00:20

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pop91 · 27/03/2022 00:20

@sacredfeminina

It is true that they do not sound gender critical. They might have otherwise supported you wearing and acting however you pleased, loving whoever you pleased, whilst reminding you that it is unrelated to your sexed body.
They allowed my other siblings exploration of gender roles but I think me being trans made it different for them.
OP posts:
pop91 · 27/03/2022 00:21

@IcakethereforeIam

Don't do the blue bird app....kids. It'll do bad things to your attention sp....kids!! KIDS!!
lol this is genuinely funny! Grin
OP posts:
RoaringtoLangClegintheDark · 27/03/2022 00:23

Unfortunately, I don't feel I can disclose my biological sex or gender identity as I fear it would lead to abuse which would trigger my dysphoria.

Your sex is pretty obvious from the knife in the bathtub story.

(And from so many, many other things too.)

pop91 · 27/03/2022 00:23

@MidCenturyClegs

This post sounds like a Saturday night troll post. Gender critical parents wouldn't throw out clothes that they thought were inappropriate for your sex: quite the opposite. Skimmed thru the rest of your post. Goady af and I wish Bunbury guidelines could come back
I do work Monday - Friday Grin

They didn't throw my sibling's clothes out just mine.

OP posts:
NurseBernard · 27/03/2022 00:23

@pop91 - are you able to have another attempt at defining ‘woman’ and ‘man’ that doesn’t actually use those words in the definition?

NurseBernard · 27/03/2022 00:24

And yes, we all know what your biological sex is.

Lovelyricepudding · 27/03/2022 00:24

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RoaringtoLangClegintheDark · 27/03/2022 00:25

Still lolling at the whole GC parents malarkey. Sure, Jan. Sure.

And what was that non circular definition of woman again? You did say to ask you stuff. But you don’t seem able to answer.

pop91 · 27/03/2022 00:26

@AgathaMystery

I don’t understand what you mean by socially transition? Do you mean conforming to gender stereotypes?

How did your parents force you to live as your ‘biological’ sex - what other type of sex is there?

We will all die the same biological sex we were conceived as. Won’t we Hmm?

I asked people to refer to me a certain way and they did - that's all.

They forced me to live in the Gender that's the same as my sex if that makes it clearer.

isn't sex determined later in pregnancy, not at conception?

OP posts:
PrelateChuckles · 27/03/2022 00:29

They forced me to live in the Gender that's the same as my sex

How can a gender be the same as a sex? They are different things. Which sexes match which genders?

AlexaShutUp · 27/03/2022 00:30

OP, thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry that you had such homophobic parents.

After years of reading these threads, I still don't have any concept of what it means to "identify as a woman" or "identify as a man". I struggle to relate to this personally, and believe that I am a woman on the basis of my biological sex alone. I understand from your posts that you think identifying with a particular gender means more than just dressing in a certain way etc. Are you able to explain what this means for you in a concrete way that doesn't just rely on the circular explanation about "feeling like a woman" or "feeling like a man", because again, those phrases are meaningless to me. What does "identifying as a woman" or "identifying as a man" mean in real terms? Is it simply about being attracted to the traditional stereotypes for one particular gender?

RoaringtoLangClegintheDark · 27/03/2022 00:30

isn't sex determined later in pregnancy, not at conception?

No, dear. Back to school for you! Must try harder at biology!

Eyesofdisarray · 27/03/2022 00:31

Doesn't pregnancy trigger a transman's dysphoria?
Genuine question; wondered for a while..