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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Former Trans Child of Gender Critical Parents (very long). *Trigger warning - descriptions of self harm and suicide* - Title edited by MNHQ

541 replies

pop91 · 26/03/2022 22:33

Hi,

To start I wanna say I'm writing this post in good faith to provide the viewpoint of a Trans person with Gender Critical parents but I know this is the internet and this will probably just be trolled to death but here goes.

I had a pretty regular 'happy' family setup, and apparently first told my parents of my identity at just 5yrs old but the first I remember is at 8yrs old when I refused to go by my 'very gendered' birth name but my parents insisted on using it especially publicly.

My parents were never particularly strict on gender roles in the home - my sister would wear my dad's glasses and jacket and stomp around with his briefcase in hand and my brother had an emo phase with heels and mascara to match and apart from some grumbling from my father it was never the biggest issue in our house.

Sexuality was different though even though my father would class himself as a pragmatic centrist, barring a socialist university phase, and my mother a card-carrying progressive New Labour type whose Best Friend was the most flamboyant gay man and an Aunt who lived with her 'friend' until she passed. There was an uncomfortableness with sexuality where both my parents would call it a lifestyle choice and opposed gay marriage - cut to three years ago when my older brother came out as bisexual and last month the youngest sister as a lesbian Grin but rest assured the other 3 siblings remain firmly 'normal.'

Back to me and by 12 I had started puberty and was experiencing debilitating gender dysphoria - I would look into the mirror and see nothing that matched my brain. I would continue to feel this way until the bullying and dysphoria got so bad that one night I climbed into my bathtub with a kitchen knife hoping I could change my body to fit my brain somehow I managed not to perform self-surgery in my bathtub.

A couple of months later I came clean to my parents, I wasn't expecting a big hug but I wasn't expecting what came next. They ignored it as if I had told them what I wanted for dinner, they decided they didn't hear what I had said at all.

Over the next year, the internet became my friend as I found ways to affirm my gender by doing hidden things at first and then slowly more outward things. I came out to my siblings and although they found it confusing my oldest brother and sister were a godsend who I wouldn't have survived without, They helped me pick out a new haircut and new clothes and we came up with a new name.

I came out in school and sure there was bullying but I was feeling so Euphoric that it almost didn't matter. When the teachers found out they informed my parents and that's when everything changed! My parents sat me down and said I was just confused. They threw out my new clothes, anything that I used to affirm my gender, even my shoes and magazines then they took my bedroom door off and took away my laptop and phone and forced my older siblings to refer to me by my birth name, my older brother and sister stopped supporting me and I lost my only family support and anything that was helping me.

Eventually, when they realised everything they had done hadn't worked and I still felt the same way, they decided to try both religious and non-religious conversion therapy which left permanent scarring to my mental health and I frequently have nightmares about it.

At 15 I had my first suicide attempt and my parents forced me to lie and say it was due just to bullying at school but that wasn't true it was the dysphoria and conversion therapy that was killing me.

From 15 to 17 I had multiple suicide attempts and after the third one, my parents finally allowed me to stop the conversion therapy but still forcibly live as my 'biological' sex.

Eventually, I managed to get to a great University and at 18 I socially transitioned and by 20 I had started hormones. I now have a job that provides me financial stability and have an amazing partner, with 2 children from a prior relationship that I now consider like my own. We are also now having a baby very soon.

My mother now describes herself as Gender Critical and frequently posts online about how she will be unable to see her grandchildren because of her views, which is true as I will not allow my parents to see either my child or stepchildren.

My parents continue to refuse to acknowledge my identity and pronouns. The last time we talked, she said she believes I am just gay, which neither makes sense considering my partner's gender nor the fact she also has a terrible relationship with my lesbian sister and bisexual brother who also rarely allows his child to visit my mum, due to her comments about their sexualities.

I finally have the support back of all my siblings and we do frequently gather without my parents. I hope one day my parents change their minds but honestly I don't hold much hope and I don't know if I could forgive what they did to me.

A lot of online trans activists wish trans children for Gender Criticals but I don't, it wasn't very nice at all. If you're going to ask if I think kids should transition, the answer is I don't know as I didn't transition as a child and a social transition helped plenty for me.

Well that's it I think, just the perspective and experience of a trans person with Gender Critical parents, feel free to ask any reasonable questions or respectful questions. Smile

OP posts:
IcakethereforeIam · 28/03/2022 14:05

Have they gone? I wonder if this'll show up as a YouTube, or in Pink News, or something? Headline: Fighting on the TERF turf

Blogblogblogblog · 28/03/2022 14:45

OP said they would get to 500 posts then stop. I do think this will end up on some kind of blog or article too.
OP hopefully you can see that the posters on here are not like your parents and do not share their views. Hope the birth goes well and hope you feel you can come back for support and advice. Mumsnet got me through some sleepless nights.

BinBandit · 28/03/2022 15:01

@TheAbbotOfUnreason

I became an engineer too - I guess growing up I’d now be described as gender non confirming, but it didn’t feel like anything that needed a label in the 1980s. Lots of pop stars were GNC and it was just normal, lots of us looked pretty androgynous. I had a family that were keen for all us kids to do what we wanted (parents were war generation so had had limited opportunities). I was lucky with puberty that I kept a boyish figure (I did loads of sport and was very fit) and it never occurred to me that I was anything other than a girl / woman as I was a human female.

I too had to put up with misogyny on site, usually of the “women shouldn’t be doing this, I wouldn’t want my daughters to be doing this, I’m going to be fucking difficult” kind, so I always felt I had to prove myself more than the men. And I also felt like I was doing this to pave the way for more women to go into the industry.

When i was in my late teens and early twenties (early to mid 80s) I used to work for a company that employed engineers through the milk round and we had a kind of open day thing with talks and buffet etc.

Anyway, one year one of our chief engineers stood up to do his bit and and kicked off with "welcome to the XX co day and can I just say how brilliant it is that I see so many young women here as well as engineers?" He was mortified with himself.

PrelateChuckles · 28/03/2022 16:40

@ClawedButler

What I'm taking from this thread is:
  • One person's definition of transgender can be wildly at odds with another person's. You must accept the definition offered by the person in front of you, otherwise you are a hateful bigot terf etc. But also accept the definition of the other person, even if it negates the first. You must hold all the possible definitions in your head at the same time, even though they all contradict one another.
  • There seems to be a huge misconception of what "gender critical" means. And to echo a PP, if this is what many TRAs think GC is, no wonder we're in this mess
  • I think that sexist stereotypes are a load of balls. Why are these outdated, limiting ideas being dusted off, given a lick of pastel paint and being lauded as gender identity? As if it was somehow progressive? As if a boy who doesn't like playing with guns is "really" a girl? Fuck right off with that.
Absolutely. I note OP has chosen to remain silent about how they view internal gender being sufficient to be a woman/man. I suspect their views, which put so much stock in bodies and appearances, might not pass the most recent Correct Views paper. (I'm speculating and to be clear I don't think this is necessarily any problem with the OP, because it seems to represent what "trans" used to mean to most people).
Lovelyricepudding · 28/03/2022 16:47

@Blogblogblogblog

OP said they would get to 500 posts then stop. I do think this will end up on some kind of blog or article too. OP hopefully you can see that the posters on here are not like your parents and do not share their views. Hope the birth goes well and hope you feel you can come back for support and advice. Mumsnet got me through some sleepless nights.
Nah, OP wasn't hear to listen.
Whatsnewpussyhat · 28/03/2022 18:41

They must've got enough screen shots....

There seems to be a huge misconception of what "gender critical" means. And to echo a PP, if this is what many TRAs think GC is, no wonder we're in this mess

I don't think it's a misconception at all. I think it's very deliberate. Meant to paint women as evil witches so they can justify their self righteous misogyny. They can then send the rape and death threats because they see that violence as an acceptable response to our 'literal violence' Hmm
Funnily enough, the rape threats don't get sent to GC men.
It's almost like they know exactly what a woman is🤔

KitBumbleB · 28/03/2022 19:21

No chance those OPs were written by someone who was raised and socialised female

Angryalot · 28/03/2022 19:59

Whatevs. This post is a crock of shit.

Mediocrates · 29/03/2022 15:05

Here for the headed notepaper...

Seriously lost the will to even try to understand the OP's perspective at "Gender is real but race isn't", and "I'm not something I say I'm not". Are we just making stuff up now to suit our narrative?

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 29/03/2022 21:19

I don't think the OP knows what gender critical means.

bluesapphire48 · 05/04/2022 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

unwashedanddazed · 05/04/2022 23:38

Constant misinformation about the GC position is standard throughout trans supportive spaces. The Actual Detrans reddit sub has a pinned post explaining how they are critical of gender but not gender critical. They basically describe the GC position (sex is real, gender is oppressive) as their own, then go on to explain that terfs are evil because they believe the opposite. It really is the upside down.
I can't seem to copy a link to the post but it's r/actual_detrans sub.

Enough4me · 05/04/2022 23:58

Whatever OP was feeling wasn't female or male, as these are a state of being not feelings. If s/he felt anxious, confused, different etc. then s/he had these feelings as a biological fe/male. It was fine of him/her to feel this way, but there was no need to feel wrong about these feelings.

I hope the OP finds peace with her/his feelings and realises it's ok to be a fe/male with these feelings rather than trying to follow stereotypes.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 06/04/2022 14:01

@unwashedanddazed

Constant misinformation about the GC position is standard throughout trans supportive spaces. The Actual Detrans reddit sub has a pinned post explaining how they are critical of gender but not gender critical. They basically describe the GC position (sex is real, gender is oppressive) as their own, then go on to explain that terfs are evil because they believe the opposite. It really is the upside down. I can't seem to copy a link to the post but it's r/actual_detrans sub.
OP I noticed that you do connect 'gender critical' with the reinforcement of gender stereotypes rather than with rejection of them.

The 'no debate' does lead to serious misunderstanding doesn't it.

To explain: being a GC parent I was happy to watch my friend's son don his mother's necklaces, silk scarves and kitten-heels, while my daughter (dressed in practical denim-dungerees that she loved) was more interested in scooting on a go-cart.

We parents watched knowing that they would probably change places shortly - that is how games go for pre-schoolers. If they didn't - that wouldn't matter either.

Toys/colours/clothes/make-up don't have to be divided between boys and girls. Why should pink be reserved for one sex or another?

If ideas about gender (to me this is a made-up social construct) limit the possibilities but offer no gain to girls or boys- then gender is a dangerous thing.

(From your description of your childhood, your parents were not GC! Did the term exist when you were growing up? )

CandyLeBonBon · 06/04/2022 14:13

Lots to unpick here

SoyaChai · 06/04/2022 14:44

I didn't want to remove my breasts as a teen girl due to unwanted sexual attention. To me, the sexual attention meant that I looked female, and that's what I wanted to look like and be seen as. I didn't want to be a male or look like a male, because I wasn't one and that to me would be "ugly".

Puberty can be very different for girls.

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