Cis-gender queer woman

[EmmaGrundyForPM]

A colleague described herself recently as being a cis-gender queer woman. Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but isn't that the same as being a lesbian? So why not call herself a lesbian? Presumably there's a reason but can't work out what.

It is ffs, God I'm totally sick of all this crap 😒

My brain hurts trying to work these labels out

Lots of us are lesbians, it’s not special enough as a label anymore, it definitely won’t stand out in your instagram bio. That’s why we now have over 300 genders and there’s probably just as many sexual orientations by now.

She might be a lesbian, or bisexual, or asexual. She might be in a relationship with a trans person where other people perceive her as straight/a lesbian because of it when she sees herself differently. She might fall into more than one category, eg be asexual but romantically attracted to women. She might prefer an umbrella term like "queer" that suggests things she has in common with, eg gay and bisexual men and lesbians/bisexual women rather than being part of a smaller discrete group. She might feel uncomfortable using the word "lesbian" which has become ambiguous in recent years and feel that "queer" more clearly signifies an openness to relationships with trans women/non binary people. She might see it as a way of joyfully reclaiming a slur and being part of a tradition of fighting homophobia. Or she might just like the sound of it better.

You could always ask her.

It’s very confusing. I recently saw someone on Twitter describe themselves as non binary and trans. How one could be both I can’t quite work out. Your colleague might not actually be a lesbian by the way, lots of straight people are calling themselves queer these days (I think for attention). For example the model Lily Cole who is married to a man and has seemingly led a exclusively heterosexual life now describes herself as queer.

I don't think the word queer is that confusing? Could mean bisexual instead of lesbian.

I'm a lesbian and the word queer isn't for me but it doesn't just mean lesbian!

Not necessarily lesbian, could be bi and not want to say that (to avoid the comments that often come with that). Some people who have a kink call themselves queer now too - so straight people...

Anyway, what work do you guys do that makes it in any way relevant information for colleagues? Can you - her colleagues - now perform your functions better for knowing that?!

@TabithaHazel

It’s very confusing. I recently saw someone on Twitter describe themselves as non binary and trans. How one could be both I can’t quite work out. Your colleague might not actually be a lesbian by the way, lots of straight people are calling themselves queer these days (I think for attention). For example the model Lily Cole who is married to a man and has seemingly led a exclusively heterosexual life now describes herself as queer.

Yes I also know someone who describes herself as queer. She's been married to a man for 8 years and got together with him after divorcing her previous husband.

Apparently it has nothing to do with sexuality any more, it's about identity. Or being a 'spicy straight' as one of my friends says

@DaisyWaldron

She might be a lesbian, or bisexual, or asexual. She might be in a relationship with a trans person where other people perceive her as straight/a lesbian because of it when she sees herself differently. She might fall into more than one category, eg be asexual but romantically attracted to women. She might prefer an umbrella term like "queer" that suggests things she has in common with, eg gay and bisexual men and lesbians/bisexual women rather than being part of a smaller discrete group. She might feel uncomfortable using the word "lesbian" which has become ambiguous in recent years and feel that "queer" more clearly signifies an openness to relationships with trans women/non binary people. She might see it as a way of joyfully reclaiming a slur and being part of a tradition of fighting homophobia. Or she might just like the sound of it better.

You could always ask her.

It's not that useful a label really, is it?

@DaisyWaldron

She might be a lesbian, or bisexual, or asexual. She might be in a relationship with a trans person where other people perceive her as straight/a lesbian because of it when she sees herself differently. She might fall into more than one category, eg be asexual but romantically attracted to women. She might prefer an umbrella term like "queer" that suggests things she has in common with, eg gay and bisexual men and lesbians/bisexual women rather than being part of a smaller discrete group. She might feel uncomfortable using the word "lesbian" which has become ambiguous in recent years and feel that "queer" more clearly signifies an openness to relationships with trans women/non binary people. She might see it as a way of joyfully reclaiming a slur and being part of a tradition of fighting homophobia. Or she might just like the sound of it better.

You could always ask her.

I wouldn’t be interested enough to ask her if I was the OP - the sexual orientation or gender identity of colleagues is really nothing to do with me and not particularly relevant in the workplace. People don’t go around announcing any other protected characteristic like disability or religion to acquaintances, so why this?

I'd judge her for that wankery tbh. Is she straight and a drama llama? Is she in a relationship with a transman or transwoman and feeling ambiguous about the term lesbian? Or a lesbian who wants to make it very clear she's not a trans woman? I have no idea why you'd label yourself in such a nonsensical way. No label is fine BTW but choosing this as a label is very revealing.

You could always ask her

You're joking anyone who announced this stuff would be getting a swerve from me and dismissed as an attention seeker. Nobody needs to know what their colleagues do in the bedroom. Ta.

I wouldn’t ask - what if she is ‘spicy straight’ () and starts telling you about it…

Attention seeking

@EmmaGrundyForPM

A colleague described herself recently as being a cis-gender queer woman. Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but isn't that the same as being a lesbian? So why not call herself a lesbian? Presumably there's a reason but can't work out what.

Nah could mean she’s happily married to John but gets turned on by the sight of coke cans on every Tuesday.

She means she’s terribly interesting. “Queer” is the new mid life crisis.

If someone cares enough about the answer to start a thread on Mumsnet, presumably they either genuinely want to know the answer, in which case asking the colleague seems sensible, or they want to start a conversation where they get to talk about their dislike of people who use the word "queer" and get to complain about the tediousness of woke attention-seeking narcissistic blue-haired spicy straight pick-me handmaidens.

I'm also curious about how this conversation even happens in a work context. If you are close to colleagues/ have a chatty relationship you'll probably have mentioned partners/ spouse and they'll organically have realised that you have or have had a same or opposite sex partner, but in what context would you kind of "announce" things/ labels about your sexuality at work?

Why does it matter what she calls herself? Why do people care so much? There are plenty of reasons she might refer to herself in that way, and it isn’t anyone else’s business. This board claims to be about feminism yet here you all are, making bitchy comments about a women you don’t know for a personal choice she’s has made, that has nothing to do with you.

"Why does it matter what she calls herself? Why do people care so much? "
Because "queer" is a vile slur and no amount of pretending it's been appropriated for power makes it so. Do you say the "N" word, or the "P" word or the "Y" word?

Were we all this tedious when we were in our teens and 20s?

I can only assume so.

She's might not necessarily be a lesbian. If she's in a relationship with a male person who identifies as anything other than cisgender (not necessarily a transwomen. Identifying as nombinary in order to reject toxic masculinity is quite popular) then that would probably mean that logically she can't be heterosexual because she's not in a relationship with a "man".

@DaisyWaldron

She might be a lesbian, or bisexual, or asexual. She might be in a relationship with a trans person where other people perceive her as straight/a lesbian because of it when she sees herself differently. She might fall into more than one category, eg be asexual but romantically attracted to women. She might prefer an umbrella term like "queer" that suggests things she has in common with, eg gay and bisexual men and lesbians/bisexual women rather than being part of a smaller discrete group. She might feel uncomfortable using the word "lesbian" which has become ambiguous in recent years and feel that "queer" more clearly signifies an openness to relationships with trans women/non binary people. She might see it as a way of joyfully reclaiming a slur and being part of a tradition of fighting homophobia. Or she might just like the sound of it better.

You could always ask her.

Or maybe she/he/they needs to step away from the internet for a while!

@bellinisurge

"Why does it matter what she calls herself? Why do people care so much? " Because "queer" is a vile slur and no amount of pretending it's been appropriated for power makes it so. Do you say the "N" word, or the "P" word or the "Y" word?

Sorry to take the thread off topic but what is the Y word?

@BigHeartyTruffle

Why does it matter what she calls herself? Why do people care so much? There are plenty of reasons she might refer to herself in that way, and it isn’t anyone else’s business. This board claims to be about feminism yet here you all are, making bitchy comments about a women you don’t know for a personal choice she’s has made, that has nothing to do with you.

My question is, if it doesn’t matter then why is she telling everyone how she ‘identifies’? I can’t recall any time when I’ve decided someone needs to know what I am, because the whole world can see for themselves. And guess what, no one needs to check my genitals. Ive never needed to tell anyone my sexual orientation, and no one has ever told me theirs. Because that would be stating the bleedin’ obvious.

People who choose to jump on the identity bandwagon are doing it for one reason - virtue signalling. Look at me, I’m special, I’m different, i need to be treated differently that all the other ordinary people out there (ordinary usually meaning White, hetero, employed and in a relationship)

It’s an affectation!

@BellaMachine
I assume PP meant the anti-Semetic slur (if you were to abbreviate Yiddish & rhyme it with “did”)